Bay 12 Games Forum

I mean I nearly snapped and killed an old man with a can of cranberry sauce today. I was insanely close. Why? Sure he was petulant and it was inconvenient to run and get some for him since I was busy, but why feel such burning desire to crush and hurt? No one deserves that. Ever. Yet I felt it. Why? I'd like to think I'm better than that.

Or love. People wax on and on and on about it but from what I've experienced all it is is an excessively long experience of lack of satisfaction and drainage of motivation except for when the object of your attentions is around, in which case your mind is tricked into thinking your energy is boundless. That's nothing but a detriment. It's been nothing but a detriment to me, and doesn't show any signs of changing.

Shit, feeling any emotion isn't really beneficial. All of them are detrimental either in the short or long term. Or both. There's no use to them.

Mayhaps my perception's just skewed - actually it certainly is, I know when I'm in a depressive funk by now. But even so, the fact that I've written so many fucking rants like this and they've all amounted to nothing, will never ever amount to anything the least bit good for me ever, that I've put in all this effort into feeling things instead of shrinking into comfortable abandonment and distractions and it's really only brought me pain ... I'm rather tired of it. And I dearly wish I could've refused all this, especially this infatuation because I really could've been doing better things with the last year and a half than pining pointlessly over someone who's never going to reciprocate. I could've actually focused on university instead of dropping out and just now start struggling to reapply. I could've written more creative pieces. I could've made more friends, probably. Beneficial stuff for me.

And just you wait, give me a week or two and my position will be totally reversed again, all my energy will be devoted to figuring out how to confess and all that horse shit. If nothing else, love has made me a tremendous hypocrite and I hate it for that.