Bay 12 Games Forum

So I've known her for almost 2 years now, been in love with her for about a year and two months. Haven't told her partially out of fear, partially to avoid this exact scenario that's occurring now.
She's had a boyfriend for 3.5 years now. So it's at that point where you start getting relationship troubles because of the stability and routine boring some people.
She's been friends with some other guy who happens to go to the university she does for around 5 months now, known him for a little longer than that. He confessed that he was attracted to her around 2 or 3 months ago. To be fair I have to give him credit, he had the balls to go and confess it.

Now then, she recently (as in 3 days ago) confessed to me that she's feeling incredibly conflicted because she's become attracted to him in return. Feels bored around her boyfriend, hot n' bothered around other guy, but still feels emotional attachment to boyfriend and all that. Classic relationship troubles at this stage, from what I've heard. Maybe not in the attraction to other people, but the boredom thing. Probably doesn't help that she's "dissatisfied" with certain physical parts of her relationship, if I'm not being too obtuse.

The confession fucked me up - I could barely think straight for several hours after that, which wasn't good as I was at work with her at the time and I ended up cutting my finger open on a piece of cardboard, when I managed to stop uncontrollably shaking and pacing and stuff. I managed to pull myself together eventually and give her some sort of advice (which is fucking rich given that I've never been in any sort of relationship) to basically have a talk with her significant other about the stagnancy that's cropped up in their relationship and all that. I didn't address the issue of the other guy very much because my bias would very easily be revealed and I don't want to get angry at all.

In subsequent talks with her about it, she's said that she doesn't really know how she feels about either her boyfriend or the other guy any more. Then of course she had to use the magic fucking phrase "I'm so glad I have you" or somesuch to that extent. She then suggested we just be single together or somesuch, which of course is a clear indicator that she most likely doesn't know of my attraction to her and desires the uncomplicated goodness of friendship or somesuch because the current situation is stressful for all parties that know about it. Which basically means me and her. She's evidently told a few of her other friends, but I doubt that any of them have the stake in this that I do.

The fucking thing about this is that I'm stuck between multiple potential courses of action. I could tell her about how I feel and make the situation even more goddamn complicated, but probably end up shut out of the situation even more if reality adheres to my pessimistic delusions. I know that if I'd told her it probably could've been me unintentionally tempting her away from her SO because she's subtly and blatantly and a few times unintentionally hinted that she'd be interested in me if she were single. Which again is one of the reasons I didn't, clusterfucks like this never turn out well.
Or I could play the waiting game and be the consoling friend for as long as it takes in the vain hope that she'll choose neither of them and then take my chances. Higher chance of not fucking the situation completely over, but also less chances that she'll actually develop anything in return because of fucking course not you dumb idiot she doesn't know how could she decide how she feels about something she's unaware of. And that keeps the stress piling onto me, which with this latest reveal has skyrocketed to the point where I'm starting to display physical tics at some points.

And the roiling emotions don't help either - anger and jealousy at the guy for daring to do what I didn't and say something and actually have that meet with results, desire to shatter his skull and crush his heart and such for daring to desire what I do, empathy with him because he's just another person much like myself who just happened to speak his mind and found himself in this scenario.

Near-comical amounts of longing for her, amplified only more because the inviolate wall I'd put in my mind of 'she loves her boyfriend and will never love you so don't even try' has been shattered thanks to actual evidence that it's possible to get her to be attracted to someone else. Massive amounts of anxiety. An undercurrent of resentment and paranoia, which I do my best to quash every time I feel it, to little success - I can feel it growing with every passing day.

I think I caught her lying to me today. Or rather lying about something else, but another detail she mentioned led me to think that she was lying to me then.
Yesterday when I was meeting with her she called him. The other guy. This is a big fucking deal, she never calls anyone and hates doing it, or so she's said in the past.

So there's this big ball of unjustified jealously and anger bouncing around inside me combined with paranoia, anxiety, the repressed feelings I've been hiding for more than a year now, and the stress of keeping all this shit secret while I try to help her through this fucking scenario and come to a decision that benefits her the most while resisting the urge to try to manipulate her against both the newcomer and her boyfriend for my benefit. Because I'm a fucking selfless person, and that backfires on me so fucking much it isn't even funny.

I have to find some sort of relief. I can't sleep and my appetite's gone down the drain, and if I don't constantly keep my thoughts occupied they inevitably turn to her and the situation and I start envisioning her with one or the other and both outcomes make me want to smash my furniture to kindling but I'm not sure if it's out of stress or genuine anger and I can't tell anyone because I promised to her that I'd keep it secret and I keep my fucking promises but I'm going to burst if this goes on much longer. I can't fuckijg ... I'm shaking even as I type this out.

This is why you don't repress your feelings, kids.

Fuck.