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« on: February 16, 2018, 06:44:00 am »
Alan, Milkshake Deliveryman and God of Unintentional Annoyance
Alan's psyche is a strange place. Were a psychological professional to examine him and survive with their wits intact they would likely, aside from being baffled and annoyed, liken him to a human incarnation of liquified rubber - malleable, able to adapt to many different circumstances, yet even when set still possessing the capacity to bounce in unexpected directions. It's no coincidence that Alan occasionally displays flashes of competence that contrast so severely with his usual lackadaisical performance - within his mind there are multitudes of incomprehensible processes calculating every aspect of the situation he finds himself in, operating his mind according to their own arcane brand of alien logic. It may seem as if his head is merely an empty receptacle for whatever wacky idea passes through, but in those rare moments every fibre of his being becomes a fine-tuned machine, startlingly efficient and almost deadly smooth.
This is not one of those times.
Alan looks up at the colossal alien spider-like being that is in the process of enslaving his essence to its own and has possibly made him into an alien spider thing as well and begins uncontrollably giggling in a very high-pitched tone. This continues on for a while until it very suddenly stops, and Alan looks up at his new friend.
<I must say, you are a bit different than I initially saw you as! Must be the contacts I've never worn. No worries however, no friend is too big for my capacity! We'll be happily hanging in no time, milkshakes in needle-hands.
Hehe. Get it? Because you're a giant spider! This is great, I've been saving up so many puns for an occasion just like this - and there's some skelebros here too, so I can use that stockpile too,> he chortles in a tone that anyone who knows him knows very well means that things are about to get very derivative very quickly.
<I'm glad I can add you to my web of friends, hehe. I can see from the rest of the guys here that people must have a lot of bones to pick with you, but don't worry, I'm a very humerus person, I'm sure we'll connect quickly. You're looking pretty fly, guess you are what you eat! Get it? Get it? Get it? Aw c'mon, I know you don't really have vocal chords probably but that joke had those guys below us rattled - because they're skeletons, geddit? Ah, this is gonna be great! Say, what's your name name? I only know you as Anime Milkshake Girl, but I don't know if spiders really do names. Ooh, can I give you a name? Can I can I can I please please please please please? I'm gonna do it, you gotta have a name, otherwise we won't sound cool as a catchphrase. Lenore? Madison? Charles? Jaqueline? Aline? Lime? Lemon? Citrus fruit - Orangey! Grapefruit! Fruitgrape! Apple! Appline! Oooooh, ooh ooh I know - Amigir, Anime Milkshake Girl for short! You're welcome, I'm here all day. So, now that we know each other, let me tell you about my friends! First is Rickman, and he's just great! You'd get along with him great because he's an alien and you're an alien too. I met him...>
As Alan continues his nonstop stream of excited friend talk, it'd be easy to forget that he promised his new bud pal Amigir milkshakes, but Alan cares about his friends, even if he's known them for less than twenty minutes. He decides to be efficient and just charge up his milkshake beam while he talks, so he can surprise Ammie with just how much literal milkshake he can summon up.
Become excited about being new best friends with a giant necromancer spider and proceed to talk endlessly. Shower her with spider and skeleton puns, bust out all my irrelevant trivia facts about spiders, skeletons, and sperm whales and narwhals I know (only a little more than most kids encyclopedias, but explained very enthusiastically), explain every last detail about all the dumb irreverent stuff I've done with and to everyone I've interacted with so far in this world - including all the times I almost killed myself by accident - and generally go maximum Alan on her. He wants to really get to know his new friend! (OOC reasoning: By golly though I can't really do much about my situation through direct action this will hopefully annoy her enough that she reconsiders mindslaving me or whatever it is she's planning because then she'd have a direct link to Alan's mind forever.)
Oh also while I'm talking, start charging up a milkshake or the closest equivalent I can think of in a manner similar to the Chaos Carrot of aeons past - Ammie's a big girl, she needs a lot of milkshake.