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« on: June 13, 2015, 03:06:58 am »
Shit, I hate being in love/limerance/infatuation/whatever fancy term I look up on the internet in a futile attempt to convince myself of the futility of my feelings.
I don't even know what set it off, but I just was extremely distraught for over an hour straight because of the intensity of what I feel and the inevitability that I'm never going to be able to express them.
I think I just have problems with expressing my emotions in general - when I get sad I apparently never show it physically, but it actually hurts physically, deep in my chest, from how hard it is to keep this shit inside. I know I should probably do something to show them, but I don't know how I'd do that and I'm too afraid to do so.
It's kinda funny actually, me repressing my feelings causes me physical pain but I'm too afraid to express them. Kinda circular, ain't it? I suppose it was also the fact that I was so damn tired after working several days in a row (I know that 4 days in a row might not be much for some people, but I was tired anyhow), sad over the whole romantic bullshit situation, and mildly pissed at myself over being unable to properly process/express this gigantic fucking bundle of emotion that got set off when I saw that I'd have to cancel plans I had with my friend (same one I'm infatuated with, might have something to do with this) because of my work schedule. That must be why I got so damn emotional that I couldn't even keep a coherent thought train going for more than five seconds at a time. Can't even really now. Never cried though, which is kinda wierd, you'd think sadness of that level would lead to crying.
Maybe I've just repressed myself so thouroughly that I just won't be able to do that again. That'd be shitty, never being able to communicate how I can feel my blood pulsing through my ... something you normally don't feel blood through, eyeballs or something, when my thoughts involuntarily drift to the possibility of us being together, impossible as that is - or as has been the case recently, just thoughts of me telling her what I feel, which also isn't gonna happen. What's the point of having such intense feelings toward another person if you can't communicate them?
I know intellectually that I'm not broken or a lesser person for having a hard time expressing my more sensitive side to people out of a fear of rejection and hurt due to emotional trauma I got while I was growing up (hint, going out of your way to make a kid feel worthless throughout their childhood will leave them with self-esteem issues and shyness at the least), but sometimes I can't help but feel emotionally that I'm stupid for even hoping to be with her when I'm so fucked up. I don't even feel ugly or anything, I have a great bodily image of myself, what with the karate I do there's no surprise there, but I tend to perceive myself like a broken clockwork toy at times - the gears are still turning inside the thing, but there's no outward expression of those gears because it's broken, and it hurts it to turn the gears because there's no way for it to express outwardly what the gears are doing inside it.
Shit I'm lonely.
Also tired. This is gonna be wierd to wake up to in the whenever I wake up. Sleep now.
