Bay 12 Games Forum

And even as exhausted as I was, I couldn't help but think about her, though I've been trying to keep my thoughts from focusing unnecessarily on her like they've been doing over the last ...several months. It's hard to tell how long it's been since my feelings reached this level of intensity since they grew slowly over the period of the first 7 or 8 months I knew her. I didn't even realize they were there until then, but they've been escalating this whole time. I wish they wouldn't, but at the same time I can't help but savour them, which I suppose is the point of them. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier having to wrestle with this deep-set desire which seems to constantly be growing stronger, though. I'm pretty sure it's just my residual shyness and better judgement that keeps me from blurting it out sometimes. Even so, sometimes I can't help but do shit that I'm forced to debate with myself whether I shouldn't have done. For instance, even though I was barely awake by the end of my shift tonight I went and bought her a few of her favourite candies. No special occasion or reason I could bullshit into existence as to why I'd bought them other than the one I can't say. I don't even know what I'm going to do with them to be honest.
And yet despite all this emotional turbulence that she inadvertently causes, I can't help but relish her company, if only for the fact that when I'm hanging out with her, said emotional turbulence ceases and I can't help but feel happy/content/whole for those few hours or however long it ends up being.
Well, at least I know why people put so much stock in love the emotion now. Even the knowledge that I'll never be with her because she's already with someone, has been with them for around 3 times as long as I've even known her, and is genuinely and wholly in love with them, only makes it curiously bittersweet, which is a very interesting emotion to experience.
Oh look I've gone and written a shit-ton about my emotions concerning this whole situation, that just proves more how hopelessly entangled I am in this whole thing. I only ever get this verbose during fits of intense emotion normally, whether it be love, hate, fey moods, etc.
Damn brain always deciding to get infatuated with people already in relationships. This is just the continuation of that initial condition, I guess.
Eh, maybe if I make myself not think about it hard enough it'll go away. False hope, since that didn't work on the last infatuation, and that was much less intense than this one, but I have experience repressing my emotions. Figure I can't do too much more damage to my self-esteem or whatever it is that repressing feelings of love and desire by putting yourself down and convincing yourself that you're not worthy of them does than I already have.