Bay 12 Games Forum

1. Yeah, I suspected as much . It seemed though that at least some of the "overcome fear of death" articles I've found (of which there are strikingly few, at least if you want a site focused on psychology and related, instead of something overly-religious) suggested "distract yourself by being with friends etc." (i.e. denial), which never sounded right to me. I guess I'll go google "how to accept your death" after this .

2. Like I said earlier, it'll take some work to overcome all the mental barriers I've set up involving talking with my parents, but I feel I should do that at some point (preferably very soon). I'm really feeling that I'll need some help in accepting the inevitable, in addition to getting a better life.

Some other thoughts:

I think what's happening is that I don't have anything to look forward to in my life at this time, so perhaps my brain has defaulted to the one thing left to look forward to? Also another possibility, could I just be mourning my death ahead of time, simply because I won't be around to mourn it afterward ?

I'm also confident that, once I finally accept this down to my core, I'll have decades of my life where it's not something I worry about, even when it comes to mind, instead of worrying and accepting it when my days are numbered. That's something to look forward to, I guess.

I realized just a short while ago that perhaps Dwarf Fortress can give me a little motivation for doing stuff when it seems we and most of what we do is fated to fade into obscurity so what's the point: Losing is Fun! Perhaps that's how I'll accept it in the end: someday my adventurer will fall to a hydra, someday my fort will flood, and someday an entire dwarf civilization will be wiped out. But, I should have fun while it lasts, not like it's permanent or anything .

I should really take a look at the stuff I want to do, come up with tasklists for doing those things, and work on stuff. That, I predict, would help a lot. Also spending time with my family helps. When I'm in the middle of doing stuff, and I get twinges of those feelings and thoughts, it's much easier to say "not now brain, I'm busy doing fun stuff". I definitely have to find more to do with my life, so that I at least don't spend all day with only these thoughts to contend with.

As I said before, were I in school right now, I would've likely dropped these feelings entirely by now, because of all the stuff I'd be dealing with. Come to think of it, it's entirely possible (and likely) that those previous depressing episodes I mentioned earlier only occurred during various week-long school breaks (where my standard vacation plans were "stay home and do nothing"), and then those spells were broken within a few days back at school. I can remember one of them happening during winter break one year. Something to consider.

Also, I need to trust that the set of things I like to do, listen to, watch, and so on will change and expand over time. My brain seems to think that all the stuff in that collection is set in stone, and then I have trouble imagining a fun life when I have such a small and stagnant collection of "things I like" to carry through the decades with me. (The whole "hard to predict new things happening in the future that I like" in one of the early posts.)

Finally, while I don't refuse the possibility of religion being correct (there is life after death! in particular), I'm merely trying to accept the worst-case scenario of nothing.

Here's to my ongoing fight with these issues!

EDIT: I just realized: perhaps some of my panic surrounding this whole mess of my stagnant life comes from me being just 18. For example, when you've got a plan in place that may take up to a couple of years, it seems like it will take up a lot of your life when you're younger. At 18, two years is 1/9 of your life so far. If you were instead, say, 66, two years is 1/33 of your life. I should remind myself that a year here or there to get my life in motion is comparatively little, especially when the right effort throughout a few years gives you decades of a better life.

Also, I am still meditating (it helps a lot, I plan on doing it in the morning too in order to combat that "painting of despair" I described previously), and I should give an earnest try to journal-writing this time 'round. I'm also thinking that perhaps I could write a short story and then share it with this fine community, as a small step towards "doing substansial stuff" .

On "depression" being something made much of: A couple or few days ago, while mulling over how I have depression, I had pop into my mind that one of the requirements for major depression was "experiencing it for at least two weeks", and I realized that wasn't me yet. I'm not depressed now, so that's broken the race towards two weeks of sadness, but it's still not a nice fear to entertain, and also didn't stop from feeling depressed at the time.

I would agree with the observation that we seem to be eager to eliminate bad feelings, as a collective whole. It's natural to want to not be sad, yet the trend somehow makes me want to watch The Happiness Patrol now (as opposed to just knowing the gist of it).

I think you're on to something with the whole "I'll find something new to fear" bit . If I were back in high school now, I'd be stressing and worried over homework, readjusting to a non-freeform daily schedule, etc. etc. I still would like to be at peace with this fear, because it's something my mind returns to every once in a while, and because I think it's (one of) the worst thing(s) to get worried about, to develop a hyperactive fear of.

Not that the fear of death doesn't stack with others I may have, because it has before.

Like I said before, this is easier to handle now that I'm also not depressing myself with this fear, and I'm finally getting out of that stupid stomach bug.

Also, it should be noted that my preferred idea of immortality is a very weak kind: basically eliminate aging as a cause of death. Cure aging, you might say. That way, you can live practically forever. But if you're stupid, attract enemies (especially if you're a bit Hitler-y), or otherwise get tired of immortality, there's still a way out.

Edit: It's kind of annoying how a lot of "how to overcome fear of death" articles on the web recommend denial, more or less, even though I don't like that way of accepting it. Maybe it's just me thinking 70+ years of distracting myself from the inevitable is "a lot of work" .

Immortality will probably never look good to a species that wasn't designed for it . I might try to find that book, esp. considering I'm currently in the "Immortality doesn't seem like it'd be that bad" camp.

Yes, talking about it (even here) helps always, although happily for the past few days I've been much better. The thoughts still creep into my head at times, especially when I'm bored or inactive in any way. I think what will help me find ways to get over it is to focus on the root problem, a far-too-strong fear of death.

I only just realized this last night, that my issue with my depressive mood recently wasn't the thing I needed to "cure", but rather the fear of death that came to the forefront of my mind. I'm not getting overly depressed now, so long as I don't linger on those thoughts too long (imagining the process of your brain shutting down is never pleasant ). Yet those thoughts still exist, which is why I just now realized the true issue.

As I said before with the "cabin fever" theory (which doesn't seem to pan out too much anymore), categorizing it as a fear of death instead of depression makes it seem a simpler problem, because:

Depression → Months-long process of psychotherapy and/or medication
Fear of Death → Face and/or be at peace with your fears

Of course, getting over a hyperactive fear of death won't be so simple, but there is hope I can do it without long and expensive processes of therapy. I'll be especially interested in studying some Eastern philosophy on the matter, because apparently it's just a Western thing that likes to not talk about death at all ever. Regardless of the accuracy of that last statement, it should be interesting to look at a wildly different view of things. I always did prefer to think of things as cycles, instead of marching towards an end... (Again, apologies for any inaccuracies caused by my currently limited knowledge of Eastern ways of thought.)

Also what's been helping is participating the couple of online communities (yes, including this one ) I'm a part of more often. No substitute for meatspace human interaction, but it does help.

(I'm thinking of changing the title of this thread to something like "Stupid Fear of Death" at this point, since that seems to be the root of the matter.)

FAKE-EDIT: On the subject of making light of it: I'd thought at some points in this discussion of how doctors apparently engage in dark humor to deal with all they have to deal with, and was considering trying to find some of it.

To be honest, I've only ever used the "Get Past Zombies Easily" trick to raid towers, I have yet to actually tackle it "fairly". Good luck on your continuing trials!

Sneaking is definitely important for raiding a tower. There's another trick that makes it stupidly easy, but I won't tell you unless you really want to know

Yeah, I just need to keep those disquieting thoughts at bay and then I'll just be a bored person all day

Some responses to those distressing question that others might like to know:

• I didn't have a problem not existing before I was born, I doubt I will after I die. (I believe Mark Twain said this once.)
• Humans are exceptional at adapting to new situations. Thus, when I die, regardless of what (if anything) is on the other side, I'll adapt to my newfound non-existence. (I was very elated the night I came up with this one.)
• I should only be concerned with living a life worth being remembered, even if only in genealogical ways. (What my previous post's edit and nenjin both say).
• Yeah, there'll be stuff I either don't get to see or only start seeing, but I should never regret what I did get to see. I came up with this as a parallel to when you find out in your senior year of high school that they're introducing a new, awesome program next year. It sucks that you don't get to take a part in it, but there's still a bunch of stuff you did get to do during your time.

Also, I think what I'm going through may be just a delayed form of cabin fever. It makes sense, considering my current living habits and why I want to get out of the house instead of too depressed to care to. And it has an easier cure.

Depression → Months-long process of psychotherapy and/or medication
Cabin Fever → Go outside, into civilization.

EDIT: As for how it took said cabin fever over three months to set in, my guess is that I got used to spending the entirety of summer vacation at home, more or less, but staying home after the start of the school year is completely new to me.

EDIT 2: Having the stomach bug really doesn't help one's quest to feel better. That stomachache feels suspiciously similar to that "stress knot", which is the main problem with this bug. Also, I should really just exercise in tiny ways in my home (maybe even pull out the ol' Wii Fit Plus, which seems obvious now that I type it).

Also, since every time I write to this thread I feel better, I'm seriously thinking of contributing stuff to the various threads in the Creative Projects board. Because a tiny bit of exercise, and a sliver of community participation, has got to be better than none. I certainly need to make big changes to my life, but I have to start doing something in the meantime, as a holdover to those big changes.

Thanks again for replying. This being a lower forum and all, I was getting a little panicked that I wasn't being listened too "fast enough" or whatever.

I'll keep in mind trying to break the pattern, but I don't do anything outside this house. I'm thinking it would still be beneficial to talk to them at some point, if only as an explanation for suddenly wanting to go places all the time. Although I must say, I don't feel nearly as panicked about needing to talk to them right now anymore.

I suppose I'm just suffering from questioning the point of life when it's limited as it is and seemingly meaningless. I know that doing more with it would help immensely. I'm just suspicious that I may be suffering from real, honest-to-god depression.

I suppose I just need to get a life.