Bay 12 Games Forum

Quote from: Darkmere on June 23, 2013, 03:49:11 am

If she gave a damn she would have actually responded to your concerns like a human being, because that's what adults do. Instead, she blew you off and did everything possible to change the subject, which is what children do when they piss the bed. Now you're just dragging the whole thing out, trying to passive-aggressively punish her for being with another guy, which isn't going to change her mind. Also, you're still placing all the power directly on her. If you don't take action, maybe she'll feel bad, maybe she'll visit, maybe she'll be something that she isn't. Maybe she'll fix it for you. Saying that blocking her is immature is another defense mechanism to keep yourself from taking the control of the situation that she's adamantly refusing to give.

And yet again, when you could be doing something for YOU, to make YOU feel better, you're still mired in the same shit, defining everything via her, wasting more energy and time on her, while she toys with you and sleeps with him (or whatever).

I'm not trying to passively aggressively punish her for being with another guy, I'm clearly stating that I've done everything I could to try and talk about it like an adult and rationally and she always takes the path or avoidance and internalizing my problems. Thats why I am not speaking to her, because now when I decided 'well okay fine she seems to want to talk to me and i want to talk to her w/e' its become stupid and yeah I'm mired in her bullshit again. So she's hurting me because I'm not taking charge, well I feel like I took charge tonight and told her whats what and how it is and what I won't be putting up with anymore, and she clearly knows that because of what she's done our friendship and the entire concept of it will be over if she doesn't take some fucking steps to be an adult and be decent and talk to me and show she cares even half as much as I do, because as is I care way more than her, clearly, and all its doing is hurting me and all she's doing is hurting me. Tonight I basically said I'm not putting up with it anymore, heres my problems, heres whats bothering me, heres whats wrong. I am not speaking to you until you approach me to talk about it, and then I just have her hidden on facebook IM and removed from skype. I just don't want to delete her from facebook and effectively cut off her only avenue of actually attempting to fix it herself. I have wasted too much time trying to fix a situation entirely out of my control, 2+2 is 4, as much as I wish it was 5 it isn't, and that is up to her, not me.

I'm taking action by telling her what I am doing unless she grows up about this situation, I've made my mind up and I let her know and I let her know why and as I've detailed too many times I've told her that if we continue to be anything depends entirely on her, because it just sort of does. In the meantime I'm considering our friendship just nonexistant, and though I didn't say that, what I said amounts to that. And even if she does speak to me about it or comes to talk to me, thats no guarantee. Because it might just end as angry shouting and then there really will be reason to block her, but she needs to come speak to me when she genuinely wants me back in her life, and then I'll see after speaking to her if I really want her back in mine.

I am getting the feeling the whole "drop her out of your life like a hot rock" thing isn't working terribly well. 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Okay, riddle me this one:

Girl and I had been friends for years. 3 months after she broke up with her ex, we start hanging out more, and she admits to still stalking her ex, but claims to be interested in me. I keep my distance but we eventually end up fooling around (second base, for later reference). The next morning she calls her ex, from my place, in front of me, to tell him we had sex. The best I can come up with is, she either wanted to punish me for having issues, or she wanted to punish him using me and just didn't care that I knew I was being used.

Care to fix that with your empathy? Coz... well if you honestly try to justify treating someone like that, willfully, then I have nothing else for you.

ninja'd... Well.. he left. I'm... not really sad, but I'm leaving this up anyway. Zehive, don't let people do this to you, because that sure as hell sounds like what I went through and it took me more than a year to think I might be worth something better. You are worth something better. EVERYONE deserves to be treated better than that.

Edit: Upon reflection, I'm at least going to spoiler that. I feel kinda awkward having it be right there and the thread just... dying... and the awkward silence. I do mean what I say, and from what I can tell, it does seem to be a situation that needs distance, so I stand by what the rest of us have been saying.

You say both physical and emotional abuse are two way things. Then you say that Abuse is not a two way thing. So what constitutes Abuse that is not a two way thing, that is not physical or emotional?

It's either comedy or go have a panic attack.  I prefer making fun of you and your unrealistic expectations.

I am SO concerned with the men who gaslit and threatened to hit me right now.  Boy.  Really concerned about those fuckers' well-being, and their well-equipped friend networks, and their good-paying jobs.  And their lack of PTSD.  I feel soooo sorry for them.

The reason everyone is reacting so badly is because someone is either playing a very infantile game here ("let's call her Vienna") or incredibly inexperienced in healthy human relationships (that skype-ralationship story). And then advocating Stockholm Syndrome as a lifestyle.

Geronimo - I agree with Vector's sentiment that you contribution is contraproductive at best.

zehive - I think we have made our arguments, we can only give advice, you have to decide for yourself. I would advise you to choose an end with pain over pain without end.

Quote from: geronimo on June 12, 2013, 08:25:51 pm

The focal point here is when zehive said he still wants Vienna to be his friend, regardless of the fact that she was "abusing" him. That actually takes quite a lot of commitment, it shows their strong bond and also the fact that they are very good friends, and if you were to think about it logically, there are reasons why the OP still feels connections for her regardless of the way he was treated. In fact saying that alone really stands out and resonates above everything else he has said, to me at least.

Now, if he hadn't said something like that it would be a different story altogether, in fact that was a very mature decision zehive, even though you probably meant having her as much more than a friend, I still applaud you with what you said, you have a very kind mind.

I met an American girl a few years back she fell in love with me and I with her. But she also loved someone else, her previous lover, and another guy and another. Of course this burned, but how could it move my love for her. Coming back home we had regular skype calls for 5 months, it was also very enjoyable, yet she still had love for others though she hailed mine above all.

Then came summer and I left for vacation for 2 weeks and on my return she told me she had a boyfriend, she pause my calls to talk to him, our calls became less frequent she claimed love but all I could see was a fire demon. But then it struck me, she was confused, in fact I had learned she ran away from home because of my leaving, she actually depended on me for her comfort, that much. Yet she could still get a boyfriend, love him, love me, love anyone else. It burned a lot at the time, but then it hit me, she did not actually want to hurt me, not answering, treating this new one the way she treated me, it felt absurd, and like she was something I don't wish to call her, but most importantly I realised she was emotionally immature. And zehive, thats what I believe Vienna is, emotionally immature, she doesn't mean to hurt you at all. Unfortunately, a lot of people are raised that way, and I pity your situation, she just can't make a decision.

Now, I have no idea what the world is coming to if someone is just expected to be abused, suck it up and leave. You should end a stronger man, suffering a bunch of pain and tears, will just be a waste otherwise or you will find yourself in this situation again, and so will Vienna to someone else. That is option 1, option 2 can be much, much better. Its like a playground bully you can suck it up and walk away and you would be fine, you'd just be another coward, fine. Now lets saythat playground bully was your best friend, you could suck it up and walk away, leaving your friend to suffer, and you suffered for no reason. To me that is BS by all means and I just cannot agree with it, so yes it is more than obviously immature to unfriend her, it helps noone, those scars are rubbed deeper into zehive's heart, not trusting anyone again, his heart will still skip a beat at the yell Vienna and the girl will also be an emotional wreck, if zehive can fix this he can fix this good.

He doesn't want to do remove her from his life, and thats reason enough to keep her, you aren't treating the girl as anything more than a slut, but I see her as a human being like us all

I took way too long to respond but I hope you haven't done anything that's worth regretting yet. Vector I still ask you to make a response to this, not only because I haven't had anyone willing to have an intelligent argument with me for a while, or for further philanthropy on this topic, but also for zehive's sake and for his ability to choose a path, also I would like to know why you told him otherwise.

Well can I atleast ask you what you think I should do? I havent done anything yet, all she seems to be is really concerned for me and that I don't care for her. But I havent done anything more or less than what I've been doing these last few days. You have a different perspective and I'm not sure if I 100% agree with not speaking to her seeing as it currently causes me a lot of pain, but I'm interested to hear your thoughts

I did empathize with my abusers.

That would be why I stayed.