I generated a world named "The Planet of Enchantments". In it there is a tower known as Cobaltfigures. That tower is home to literally a dozen necromancers. And all of them like to write books about themselves, Cobaltfigures, life and death, and/or other books.
It's like some weird necromancer academy, where each necromancer takes an apprentice within a few years of becoming a necromancer themselves.
It all started in the year 51 when the god of death, Figul, rewarded the dwarf, Medtob Quakechaoses, for 10 years of worship with a kimberlite slab known as "Boilgristle" which taught her the secrets of life and death. Medtob was the first necromancer, who then became the chieftess of the group "The Pink Gates" (uh... yeah) that founded Cobaltfigures four years later. Medtob took her first and only apprentice that same year, the male human known as Seto Romancegirls (note to self: change last name to Romancegirls).
After the first book is published in 66, books begin to be released at a rate of a little over one per year (I only went up to year 125), most of them coming out of Cobaltfigures. Here is a selection of some of the more amusing titles (out of 67 books):
Errors In Udil Wirebud - A 23 page essay by the necromancer Zudil Axeblocks about his marriage to the dusk freak Udil Wirebud. (One might think he's not too happy with his wife, the dusk freak.
)
Truth About the Tower - The first of dozens of books about Cobaltfigures was a 63 page guide written by Tolmo Tomesculpts (good author name!), bound tastefully in kiwi leather. The author apparently became obsessed with this book, since his next writing (not including a couple of untitled letters) was a 32 page essay titled "
The Book Is My Life", which was about the first book. Eventually he snapped out of it and wrote one of the few books ever written
not about Cobaltfigures, life and/or death, a necromancer, or another book, which was titled "
The Market: The Definitive Guide". Either the story is a huge metaphor or the title is terribly misleading, since it's really about a "scuffle" between a giant cave spider and Tolmo in the year 6, where (spoilers!) he was defeated by a giant cave spider but escaped unscathed. This book is bound in giant bat leather. Nice! This lead to his most recent work, a 276 page autobiography titled, "
Tolmo Tomesculpts Ever Onward". Bound in pig bone. Eww. (Reminder, folks, don't bind your books with what's left over after a pork BBQ!)
The Human: Further Musings - The first book by the prolific author, and human necromancer, Das Friendlymaze. It's a cheerful 37 page essay about himself bound in ibex leather.
The Secret of Death - This one I can only quote directly for the full impact: "
The Secret Of Death was a legendary donkey hoof-bound book. The written portion consists of a 26 page essay entitled The Secret of Death, authored by Das Friendlymaze. It concerns death. The writing is quite cheerful." (And no, this wasn't the only book bound in donkey hooves either.)
It Must Have Been Das Friendlymaze - This one is his 271 page autobiography, and is bound in reindeer bone. "
The writing bubbles over with cheefulness." He later wrote a short essay on this book titled, "
Reindeer Bone and the Universe". And yes, the writing is "fairly cheerful" in this one as well. This has to be the most cheerful necromancer I've ever heard of. Heck, he wrote an essay about Cobaltfigures (just like everyone else has) titled "
Cobaltfigures in the Modern Era", but the writing in this one is, surprise surprise, "fairly cheerful."
My Friend the Dwarf - Not to be outdone by Friendlymaze, Medtob Quakechaoses, the first necromancer in the world, writes a 277 page autobiography, and if the title is anything to go by, it's written in the third person. Reviewers called it, "quite cheerful and it is refreshingly witty." Yes, "refreshingly witty" according to the game.
Dying: Principals and Practice - A 122 page guide on the secrets of life and death. I can only imagine how boringly written this one must be with a title like that. It must read like stereo instructions.
Quesa Sneakbolt: Natural or Supernatural? - A 23 page autobiography by yet another necromancer, the male dwarf Quesa Sneakbolt, the only necromancer who does not take an apprentice. This book is described as "
utterly disjointed yet it is quite humorous." Quesa later wrote both a short story and an essay about this book. The short story is titled, "
Sloppy Quesa Sneakbolt: Natural or Supernatural?" and the description for that one says, "
The writing meanders somewhat yet it has a touch of humor." The essay was titled, "
The Nuanced Book", in which "
the writing is very compassionate yet it gets off track from time to time." While Quesa clearly needs an editor, he apparently already has a scribe. His more recent novel is titled, "
The Dwarf and the Adorable Scribe", which is a 128 page novel about himself which is "
somewhat showy." Quesa somehow creates nearly 10% of all literature, but, with the exception of his latest work, a 2 page poem titled "
The Birth of the Dwarf", all of it is pretty awful.
The Unseen Illness and Quesa Sneakbolt - The tell-all biography of Quesa Sneakbolt by male human necromancer Domi Cusphonored on how his hidden illness forces him to churn out crappy texts. 226 pages and bound in donkey leather. Reviewers called it, "somewhat self-indulgent". Now available at a Book Tower near you!
Choose the Human - Less amusing than simply interesting and somewhat touching. This is a 23 page essay by the female human necromancer Ostri Craftslizards (master of Tolmo Friendlymaze), writing about her husband, who had died seven years earlier.
It Is Death - A self-indulgent 95 page guide on death written by the necromancer Zulgar Axeblocks, which is somewhat undercut by the fact that it's bound in kangaroo leather. (It doesn't mention if it includes a handy carrying pouch or not.
)
Doom: Further Musings - A 16 page essay bound in quartzite on the secrets of life and death, by female dwarf necromancer Zomuth Faintdaub.
More Dying - A 102 page guide bound in turkey leather by Sestah Casketkindled, concerning the secrets of life and death. The writing is "as vicious as can be". (The combination of the title and the description made me LOL.)
and finally:
Death Without Limits - A 19 page essay bound in green tourmaline, also by Sestah Casketkindled. It sounds like a cheesy self-help book for zombies, but apparently "it concerns death" and "the writing is completely serious."
So, what's in your worlds' libraries?
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Topic: Topic for posting amusing books. (Read 16030 times)