TURN THREE
Continue firing at the sniper. Also using literal mathematics (Fire+Fountainfilth)*Wind +Communists=Flaming Tornado of Doom
“Drat,” exclaims the furious
Archimedes, in between violent retches.
“Blasted sniper. Made me see the OH GODS NO...”Archimedes trails off into a mumble of despondent sickness as he accidentally sees the fountain filth once more, eyes cast down and lingering on the traces of partially digested food clinging forlornly to his once-luxurious robes.
“If I don't do something about this damned thing we're never getting out of here,” he thinks to himself.
“This rotten fountain will have us all pinned down. But then,” he morale-boostingly eurekas,
“That's why the Timelord sent US, and not just any old elite force! Yes, by Jove! We are the chosen bowienauts, and a mere fountain,” he cries out as he rises to his feet, back straight and chin proudly out,
“Of furious fountain filth,” he proclaims, as he stands feet apart with horrendously waving arms,
”Is not going to come between us and our righteous objective! Nay! Shield thine eyes, comrades, I have a plan!”Archimedes shouts out some extreme capitalist dogma and some jumbled cries about water displacement, and with a majestic flourish finishes his tremendous arm waving, ending with a blast of noise as he thrusts his arms and his pelvis towards the suspected location of the communist sniper.
...A vast spire of fire leaps into the air from the middle of the fountain, and the thousands of used communist speedos are thrown enflamed to the suddenly rising wind, scattering this way and that, showering the square with burning crotch sweat and shards of liquid-hot communist panties! Flaming nylon rains from the sky, sticking like demonic napalm to everything it touches upon and the square is lit up as if a nightmarish vision of terrible hell!
For a second the column of twirling wind seems to stop and pause, still in the upper reaches of the air above Stalingrad, before abruptly dashing over to where the unfortunate communist sniper was stalking his prey, hauling him into the sky through the battered roof of the communist apartment block that housed him, and then flinging him violently to the ground, accompanied by the myriad burning communist speedos!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett:
Burning Leg!Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney:
Burning Head!Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney:
Severed Left Leg!OHIO LEAP to the sniper and feed him to Boone!
"Oh, Good Lord! I’m on fire! Never mind, I’ve had worse! Men, hold ground! I'll handle this sniper!" cries out
Davy Crockett as he rushes through the burning rain of communist crotch fabric to take a mighty run up.
“Ooh, what’s that?” he wonders as a heavy object enwreathed in flame crashes to the ground a short distance behind him.
Having taken a fine democratic run-up, Crockett pictures the Ohio,
...and leaps splendidly through the air into the communist apartment block in front of him, flying upright through the sky and blasting apart the only surviving window in the building, sending shards of shattered glass shooting into the communist soldier he finds before him!
“Say, you don’t have a sniper rifle!” shouts Davy to the bemused commie, with a trace of disappointment in his voice.
“Oh well, Boone’s hungry and I’m on fire: you’ll have to do! Here, Booney Booney Booney! Dinner time!”With a ferocious snarl,
Boone flings Crockett’s lower half into the air to get a better bite at his impending lunch.
...He bites out the communist’s spine! He topples lifeless to the floor, and the hideous crockofoot munches happily away, devouring the liver and tearing the fat!
While the others take down the sniper, Paul lunges for SPEEDOCOMMUNIST #2 and commits unto him the dreaded hidden technique: SPEEDO WEDGIE.
"Where are they coming from, man?” cries the delirium-crazed
McCartney,
“There's speedocommunists everywhere! Oh, take this!"...Paul punctuates his war cry with an awe-inspiring lunge towards the evil SPEEDOCOMMUNIST #2, rolling between the fiend’s outstretched legs and grabbing his dual-wielded communist speedos as he rolls. He leaps up behind the communist, bolting into the air with both speedos in one hand and the communist’s own worn speedos in the other, pulling the red nylon sporting underwear over the back of the communist’s head! Paul continues to somersault through the air, spinning several times till he reaches his apex and descends back through the communist night-time sky until level with the wedgied communist’s head. He rams the two used speedos over the speedocommunist’s face! As the speedocommunist begins to choke on his own used sweaty fabric, Paul lands deftly on the ground, only to see the commie fiend split from head to wedgied backside! He topples to the floor, his body a foully violated display of lurid internal organs!
“Ooh, heavy, man,” comments Paul.
“Oh well – he was just a speedocommie, those fiends are barely human, man! Half-man, half-crotchswea- oh god no the fire! The burning! The flames! Arg, my head! Oh no, what’s that falling from the sky-arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhgh!”Suddenly a burning communist sniper falls from the sky, severing Paul’s leg!
“Oh well,” philosophises the Last Beatle.
“At least the severe burning has instantaneously cauterised the wound! That was lucky!”Retreat into cover! GET AWAY FROM THE SPEEDOS!
“Arrrg!” cries
Steve Irwin as he sees
Paul valiantly destroy one foul speedocommunist.
“Arrrrggh! There’s speedos everywhere! There’s speedos falling from the sky! They’re on fire! Their crotchsweat is dripping all over me! Arhghghgh!”Stevo tries to retreat into cover,
...but only manages to retreat into a pile of burning speedos! He sets his arm on fire as speedocommunist number 473 comes at him again! Speedocommunist number 473 slices up his burning arm!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Burning Left Arm!Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Lightly Bleeding Left Arm!Suddenly there is the sound of a burning weasel nearby, and Archimedes looks to the west to see a mark IV dinoPANZER grind into the town square! The siren wails on!“Hey chaps,” announces the
Timelord over the bowienauts’ internal neurocomms,
“We have readings of extreme dinoARMOUR coming your way, over. It also appears likely that ROBOSTALIN is heading in your direction to investigate the disturbances: there is a large mechanised object moving towards you at around twenty miles an hour from the north east, ETA five minutes, I’d estimate. If you guys get caught between the dinoARMOUR and ROBOSTALIN, we aren’t going to need to come up with an exfil plan at short notice, you dig?”There’s a pauses of a few seconds.
“Er, uh, over and out, and stuff.”
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTNone.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: On fire.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:56/75] |
Light Knee Bleeding |
Heavily Bleeding Guts! |
Burning Left Arm! |
Lightly Bleeding Left Arm!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. Speedo-induced delirium. Severe bleeding. On fire. -1 to left leg use.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar Wounds: [HP:40/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severe Gut Bleeding! |
Burning Head! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status: Cover from N. On fire.
Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Armface.
Wounds: [HP:55/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Heavy Left Leg Gash! |
Burning Leg!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm. Retching. Cover from N.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Bent Left Arm!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Yeah so I had an awesome picture of a dinoPANZER that accurately conveyed the fear you should all now be feeling, but it wouldn't upload for some strange technical reason. Blast.
Edit: missed a capital letter and a line of italicisation.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 238682 times)