CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY FOUR
Continue shooting.
"Hey, boys,” suggests
Paul McCartney,
“I'm feelin' a little better with some music in my system. Why don't we take care of these last few commies, hmm?"”Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” answers the mathraging
Archimedes, still blasting away one-handed with his M60,
”Rawrrrrggghrh2!!”Sweeping his side of the crash site with the philosopher-mounted machine gun, Archimedes aims burst after burst after hail of fully automatic continuous fire at every moving commie on the ground, sending communist blood and fur and skin and worse showering into the air!
…Moving from left to right he methodically cuts down half the enemy before his gun abruptly jams!
”Damn cheap foreign imports!” he cries, flinging the gun to the floor and getting ready to charge into melee.
”Damn you, Communist China!” he yells as he scrambles forward.
But Archimedes once again
…trips on his sandals and crashes to the floor, directly in front of the nearest surviving communist! The vicious cattybara rises to his feet, raising his rifle above his head to thrust the bayonet into the ancient Greek!
Paul McCartney strums a loud rock chord on his guitar in an attempt to distract the commies while Archimedes does his thing!
”Archimedes! No!” wails
Paul in despair,
”Noooooo!”He does the only thing left to him: he strums a mighty chord of ROCK,
…aiming at the communist and knocking him the ground!
”Whoa, thanks, my friend!” shouts
Archimedes, giving McCartney a thumbs up with one hand as he draws his submachine gun with the other and smashes the communist in the head.
…But the blows bounce off the cattybara’s helmet, and the cattybara wrestles Archimedes to the floor, knocking away the submachine gun before climbing onto his chest and
…pinning the Greek’s arms with his knees!
Paul is about to rush out to help his comrade, when he suddenly remembers he has a fractured leg and a crocodile gnawing on his other foot!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney:
Light Foot Bleeding!He waved at the camera and tackled the nearest enemy, wrestling it into submission before moving on to the next one.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the wrecked bowiecopter, the battle rages just as fiercely!
”Come on chaps,” chides
Marcus Aurelius.
”You’re all looking rather terribly scruffy, you know. Chin up! Back straight! Stop swooning there, Crockett! Watch out Mr Irwin! I say, Mr Irwin! There’s a ravenous commudile coming straight at you!”"Strewth, mates! Crikey! These blokes think they stand a chance against me, Steve Irwin? Bloody Oath, eh? Let's show ‘em the World Renowned Aussie Hero's wrestlin' technique why don't we?"All but surrounded by half a dozen reptilian Marxist fiends,
Steve Irwin …backflips over the croc approaching behind him and lands directly on the sneaky commudile’s back, wrapping his thick muscley wrestling arms round the croccunist’s big gnarly throat, choking it into submission before leaping off to pick it up by the tail and spin it 360 degrees into the second incoming crocodile!
…He smashes the croc so hard in the face its bleedin’ eyes fly out! It’s totally struck down, mate!
Take a defensive position right next to Marcus and start shooting down commies!
”Stevooooooo! Watch out Irwin! There’s another one behind you!”Stevo turns round once more to heed
Davy’s warning just as the crack of his bullet rushes past,
…dodged by the nearest crocodile who then jumps Stevo in a flash.
…But the Aussie’s crocotechnique is strong, and he escapes the reptile’s amateur wrestling hold and turns it right back on him, mate! Steve Irwin picks up the fiendish commie before jumping to his feet and then suplexing its head right into the ground!
”I say, Irwin, jump out of the way a second,” warns Crockett, raising his rifle once again,
”There’s another one coming for you!””Don’t worry,” announces the
16th Roman Emperor.
“Shield your eyes Irwin – I’ll handle this.”
Marcus Aurelius stares directly at the communist crocodile waddling towards where Steve Irwin is still busily smashing the croc’s head into the ground with his eyes shut, and gazes his most soulful cross-species gaze. The crocodile immediately turns, and starts waddling towards Marcus Aurelius! He barely waddles another yard before he keels over and swoons!
”Oh yeah, the Pimperator’s still got it.” remarks Aurelius, half to himself.
”Lay-deez…””Er… fella?” interrupts Stevo, breaking off from smashing in the croc’s head to briefly look at the swooned crocodile.
”I think it’s fairly obvious from the profile of his jawbone there that that’s no lady crocodile, mate. That’s a full on ferocious alpha male, mate! What a beauty!””Oh well,” sighs Aurelius, glancing at Crockett,
”Wouldn’t be the first unwanted alpha male to fall to my charms, eh, Davy baby?”"Argg! You should be careful with those... eyes, man, eyes. Mmmmmm…” digresses Crockett.
”I mean, uh... right, shooting! Duck, Marcus, there’s another one behind you! Look out!”Marcus Aurelius ducks as another communist crocodile rises to his back feet to take a swipe at the Pimperator’s head with his razor sharp claws, and Davy Crockett
…showers him with crocobrain!
”Aw no, Davy! Tell me I ain’t hit, man, tell me I ain’t hit!””Well, there might be a little stain on the ba-“”Damn and blast! I only got this toga back from the drycleaner’s an hour before this mission, man! I can’t see the girls covered in brain, man!””The girls? It’s hardly the time to be thinking about girls right now, Aurelius!””Oh Davy…” Marcus Aurelius wearily shakes his head.
”It’s always the time to be thinking about girls, son!””But… but you’re covered in crocodile brain!””Yep… and the only way to get crocodile brains out a toga is a good long soak in a hot tub… Oh yeah…” Marcus glances at his gold watch, narrowly avoiding swooning himself in the highly polished reflection.
”Looks like it’s about time, fellas. Everybody, on me! It’s gonna be alright! The girls are on their way! Better dust off that khaki shirt, Irwin! Should maybe put your shorts on, too. You er… you might want to just put a bag over your head or something there, Crockett. Now,” he crackles, suddenly switching over to the neurocomms network,
”Where the blazes are Paul and the Greek? Chaps? I can sure as hell hear you, now get your backsides over here, men! Er, Davy? There's a goddamned communist behind you, son."Suddenly a pair of crocs jump out the undergrowth, charging towards Stevo, still wrestling the communist croc corpse on the floor.
…The fastest one severely bites Steve Irwin in the thigh, severing a major artery! The second starts licking his lips!
”Aw no, man! Should've worn me khaki shorts, mate!”Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin:
Severe Thigh Bleeding!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTNone.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Two Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to ranged attacks. -1 to smelling.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:60/75] |
Broken Left Eye! |
Fractured Nose! |
Severe Thigh Bleeding!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Two Beatle
Status: -1 to movement rolls. -1 to left leg use.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar Wounds: [HP:45/75] |
Broken Guts! |
Fractured Right Leg! |
Light Foot Bleeding!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Two King of the Wild Frontier
Status: -1 to defence rolls unless wearing Facial Protection Catmask. -1 blurred vision penalty to ranged attacks. -1 to two handed melee weaponry.
Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask!,
Miaowskin-facehat, fractured and severed left arm (in face),
Armface.
Wounds: [HP:48/75] |
Fractured Left Arm! |
Broken Face! |
Severed Left Arm! |
Heavier Head Bruising!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Two Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Fractured Left Arm!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Absent Minded! Player: DigitalHellhound
Name: Marcus Aurelius, Courtesan Commander
Status: Inventory: Marcus Aurelius Don't Need No Inventory, Fool. His Robes Don't Even Got Pockets.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Courtesanmobile,
Lay-deez,
Pimp's Dignity.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 239055 times)