Finally... > Life Advice

So my dad died in a car accident that I was in

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zehive:
And by 'In' I mean, I was driving. Everyone has told me the basic gist of what happened, but apparently as we were driving in my grandparents old Ranger its transmission literally jammed. Like, it just ceased moving, and it started blowing into pieces as we were driving. This resulted in us flying across the median into oncoming traffic. Oncoming traffic being rush hour on an interstate, on a friday afternoon near a major university.

I was told that the transmission blowing into bits cut both the brakes and everything remotely involving the idea of steering, so the only thing to slow us was the two ditches on each side of the median, the median itself and the SUV we hit headon. Now as can be imagined we didn't just stop, but instead we frontflipped airborne, immediately afterwards the massive pickup following the SUV hit us, somehow thats all we hit. We ended up coming to a rest on my side, the drivers side. I wasn't sure what happened, but I tried checking my dad, who was laying on me, before I could move I heard the sound you get when you hear someone shot in the head, movies have it dead on apparently. I checked myself too of course, I had not a scratch that I could discern, all movement and feeling, no protruding bones no stiffness. But my dad was laying in such a way that all the blood ran to his wound. I couldn't see him but the proof that his brain was destroyed was all over me, and the wound was against my head so I had to feel it. For the full 45 minutes it took for the responders to cut the roof off and pull me out.

I tried keeping myself calm and in good spirits, and it actually worked, I briefly cried and pulled myself together, I had small bursts of being pissed at the EMTs because they either acted hastily (one of them started ripping away the windshield without anything to cover my eyes, I got a shard of glass on my eyelid, left a nasty gash that required glue, my only injury). But things just aren't the same now, about a 2/3s a month after the accident. I know I saw some horrifying shit, and my dad was my best friend in the whole damned world, but I'm almost always in a foul mood, I barely smile, I think about death more than could possibly be considered 'okay', I can't sleep without horrible nightmares if I sleep at all. But I can still drive, I still get up and face the world, I'm going into a program to get my ASE certification to facilitate my love of computer science and repair until I can eventually get the maturity and know-how to start a business, and because I'm genuinely interested in cars, and its looking like I'm about to land a job I really want, despite only being 18.

But I want to smile and tell jokes again, I was to be the same unorthodox strange-sense-of-humor dumbass I was before, instead of the gloom doom depressed hate-the-world attitude I'm stuck in. I'm utterly horrified it will never change, and its hard to imagine it will considering all that has happened. I'd really like someone to tell me it's okay, to tell me a joke or anything. But mostly it just feels nice to rant.


Oh and if anyone starts talking about God or Fate, I might just become psychotic

Xeron:
My only advice is that you seek professional counseling

drago55577:
Above, and god I'm so sorry. Losing anyone in my family or friends would destroy me, I feel sad when people die in movies... and I hate seeing animals hurt. I'm sorry for your loss, someones father is very close to nearly all people.


But don't linger in the past, he's gone, not coming back so move on and make the most of life.


Oh god I just gave advice... that's a new side of me.

zehive:
Shit I'm just trying to get over blaming myself. I was fixing an overdrive fuckup, which requires playing with the shifter and for the life of me I can't remember if I went too far past neutral into reverse, because I know messing with the shifter caused the car to shit itself like that, the tranny was already garbage which is why it was able to have such a, as the post called it 'massive cascading mechanical failure', but I can't discern if it was me fucking up that was the straw that obliterated the camels back, or the car.

Xeron:
Its probably the car.You did mention it being old.Don't blame yourself .Also condolences from me

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