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Author Topic: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)  (Read 67378 times)

Rainseeker

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Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« on: March 23, 2012, 09:34:26 am »

Hey guys!  Rainseeker here needs your help.  We're coming out with a new version of DF Talk soon, and I need some funny stories about the current releases to have context for the show.  Maybe I'll even include them in the show, who knows!

Rules: 
-Put comments in yellow
-Stories in white.
-All stories from the last 6 releases (or so) are welcome
-Hopefully they are at least slightly humorous!  Tragically so are even better!

-It's okay if you've already posted it somewhere else!

Thanks, guys!
« Last Edit: March 24, 2012, 01:53:31 pm by Rainseeker »
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Rainseeker writes comics!  http://rattownstories.com

Also, forum profile for said comic:  http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=78817.0

Bohemian Ear Spoon

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2012, 08:44:56 pm »

The Golden Axe

They envisioned starting small and poor, and staying that way for as long as possible while the outer defenses were built up. The Fortress of the Ringmartyrs was founded on a forested plateau in a warm climate with year-round rain, and lots of small lakes. Unlike most fortresses, there was no mining the first year, in fact, the dwarves lived without any stone at all for over a year while they set up their site plan.

While the carpenters chopped the massive amounts of logs needed for the all-wood above ground fort and stockade, the miners put their picks to work digging trenches to connect the nearby lakes into a wide, murky moat. Within this ring, the carpenters built up a huge wooden fortress, housing the Trade Depot, carpenter’s shack, and a craftworks station, along with all the necessities for the food industry – kitchen, still, farmer’s workshop, butcher and tanner. This large building also housed a few beds tucked in corners and some tables and chairs, and eventually the entire compound was roofed, at the cost of thousands of trees. It is amazing how much wood putting on a roof can use. (I solved this spectacularly in my current glorious fortress, Shootflukes, which should get a write up eventually.)

After two years of enforced poverty the central fort was walled and roofed, and a stockade wall circled the inner circumference of the moat. The miners finally breached the ground and began digging out the level just beneath the fortress. Hemmed in by the moat, this level became a series of large store rooms. Then the miners delved deep and began digging out a massive centrally open grand hall, about 10 levels below ground. Around this central hall, corridors led off into a new unique layout of workshops, small stockpiles, and housing. Yet the workshops sat idle, as all hands were put to work hauling, chopping, or digging, rather than building and increasing the fortress’ wealth. The second year, no migrants arrived at all, due to the lack of the finer things dwarves have come to expect in their fortresses. For the seven – now 16 – original Ringmartyrs, simple meals, beer in great quantities, and an above ground dormitory were all they needed.

That is, until one of the dwarves entered a strange mood. He demanded metal bars, and I did not want him to go mad, so I set up a wood furnace, smelter and forge for the express purpose of melting down the few nuggets of ore so far uncovered, one of which happened to be solid gold. The dwarf took the gold, and made the coolest golden battle axe of all time, with a picture of a cacao tree on its blade. This axe, worth over a hundred thousand dwarf bucks, increased fortress wealth one thousand percent, and suddenly the Ringmartyrs gained celebratory status. 25 new migrants immediately arrived, nearly tripling the population. And they were not all…

I worried that the sudden, vast increase in wealth would cause an unsavory element to look toward the Ringmartyr’s fortress with envy, so I needed to prepare. The walls, moat, drawbridge, and cage traps would thwart any invasion, so no military had been set up due to the high cost of weapons and armour, but the golden axe had ended the Ringmartyr’s subsistence living with a single whack. So the newly built forge was put to work outfitting a single squad, as usual with silver war hammers. This was done in the nick of time, not for an invasion, but because of a single stranger who came trundling towards the Ringmartyrs from the east.

He was a were-tortoise, and the moat did not stop him; he paddled across with leisurely ease. Nor did the cage traps thwart him, when he transformed into normal looking dwarf. The were-tortoise ran amok through the fortress, before being chased out and all over the map by the squad. They chased him for weeks, all over the place before eventually the golden axe managed to hew through the shell and destroy the forgotten beast. As the exhausted and wounded (bitten) dwarves trudged back to the fortress, night fell, and a full moon came out. No less than half the squad then transformed into were-tortoises and commenced slaughtering the populace.

Weeks passed as the dwarves and tortoises fought through the darkened halls. The population dropped from a high of over forty dwarves down to nine survivors by the time the lycanthropy had run its course. The were-beasts had decimated the fortress, but somehow, due to the golden axe, no doubt, dwarves still sought out a new life in the fortress the Ringmartyr’s built, and so the population began to rise again. Blood scrubbers, undertakers, and coffin makers were in great demand.

After the decimation, things started to turn around. A chamber was set aside for the victims of the were-tortoise, and it held over 60 coffins, many of which were for children and babies, the most fragile of dwarves. (Babies and children are not counted as population, so while the population was listed at 43 at the time of the lycanthrope infestation, the total population including kids, must have added another twenty, judging by the high number of short caskets.

The rain quickly washed away signs of the struggle, and after the mausoleum was completed and stocked with the dead, the fortress began to pick itself up. Forges rang out day and night outfitting the dwarves in iron, while the craftworkers worked overtime to have a big selection for that year’s trade caravan. When a small goblin band of ambushers arrived, the dwarves went about their business with little fear of attack. They were secure by moat, walls, and cage traps, which would easily hold the goblins at bay.

Being safe from invasion, however, id not prevent the conniving little brutes from causing trouble. They continuously ran about trying to catch any dwarf who ventured across the moat – for wood, fishing, to collect a dead dwarf from the garbage heap for burial, or just out for a walk, and so I determined to lure the goblins to their demise. The reborn fortress needed freedom to rebuild!

It would be a simple matter to let down the drawbridge, and allow the goblins to cross and trap themselves in the cunningly concealed falling cage traps installed just inside the main entrance. To be sure nothing went awry, I stationed the squad of dwarves on the other side of the bank of cage traps, so they could deal with any goblins who made it through the gauntlet. It would be a turkey shoot.

The bridge dropped, the dwarves moved into position. The goblins noticed the way was open and streamed towards the bridge. There were more than I thought, and there weren’t enough cages for them all, so it was a good thing the dwarven squad was waiting for them.

The goblins hit the bridge. The dwarves saw them coming, and ran past the waiting traps to meet them on the bridge. NO! A furious battle took place, and all 10 members of the squad were slain, and the few remaining goblins made it into the fortress from a small sortie door wedged open by the corpse of the captain of the guard, golden axe locked in his stiff dead fingers.

Soon all that remained of Ringmartyrs were the ghosts. It was a great experiment gone terribly awry. That damned golden axe cursed them all.

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Rainseeker

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2012, 10:31:48 pm »

Nice first story!  Keep them coming, guys!
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Also, forum profile for said comic:  http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=78817.0

tfaal

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2012, 01:37:27 pm »

Nice first story!  Keep them coming, guys!
Quote from: Rainseeker
-Comment on other people's stories in white, so it's easy for me to filter.
Tsk tsk. :P
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I still think that the whole fortress should be flooded with magma the moment you try dividing by zero.
This could be a handy way of teaching preschool children mathematics.

Rainseeker

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2012, 01:54:11 pm »

Nice first story!  Keep them coming, guys!
Quote from: Rainseeker
-Comment on other people's stories in white, so it's easy for me to filter.
Tsk tsk. :P

Yeah, yeah.  The first guy broke the rules so I reversed 'em.   :-\
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Bohemian Ear Spoon

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2012, 06:49:52 pm »

Sorry, I don't know how to do things, my bad.  ;)
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Rainseeker

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2012, 07:40:14 pm »

No biggie!  It's probably for the best anyways.    ;)
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Rainseeker writes comics!  http://rattownstories.com

Also, forum profile for said comic:  http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=78817.0

Vargas Gray

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2012, 03:43:19 pm »

Lets see if I can make a small contribution for your DF-talk. This happened over a year ago but still I remember this little event.   

Well event isn't really the correct way to describe it but rather a series of descriptive arts on a wall. I ordered a dwarf to engrave the main hallway, leading into the fortress's meeting hall, with some legendary quality engravings. So off he went, followed by his cuddly pet. And damn he worked his ass off with that hallway! And as the hours came and went something wonderful happened right at his feet! Kittens where born! Oh, the joy! The miracle! The happiness! The... yeah you get it.

The dwarf halted his work and stood there for a few second before he returned to work. About then I was struck with this notion that perhaps the dwarf immortalized the event through his splendid art! So I hit "k" and navigated it over the last engravings. Pure treasures of art that nifty little dwarf bestow on the fortress!

The first engraving depicted a lonely dwarf, the artist himself, curled up crying on the ground. It was raining. *Playing the worlds smallest violin*

The second engraving depicted the same dwarf being approached by a cat, his pet, and promptly adopted by the said cat. The dwarf where laughing and there where no more rain. *heavenly chorus*

The third engraving depicted the dwarf hugging and gently stroking the cat, both whom where happy.

The forth engraving depicted a mother cat surrounded by four kittens and a very proud and happy dwarf.     

It's so cute one could almost go "Aaaaaw"! But I got to say that one can never really stop to be amazed by Dwarf Fortress epic storytelling and randomized bad-assery!   
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"Run far and fast when a DF Player Frowns. If he smiles, Run harder. Above all, refrain from laughing when he laughs. But if he weeps, you may join in courteously...

Bohemian Ear Spoon

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2012, 06:23:39 pm »

That is an awesome story Vargas G.
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kingfisher1112

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2012, 10:17:08 am »

A giant sponge. What happened was I underestimated it. It killed 3 of the starting seven. 7 years on, it wiped out a goblin siege.
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Vargas Gray

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2012, 06:40:37 pm »

A giant sponge. What happened was I underestimated it. It killed 3 of the starting seven. 7 years on, it wiped out a goblin siege.

Haha! Epic!
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"Run far and fast when a DF Player Frowns. If he smiles, Run harder. Above all, refrain from laughing when he laughs. But if he weeps, you may join in courteously...

underdark

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2012, 04:57:27 pm »

It was the autumn of 254 in the fortress Isakbim.  Population 132.  A successful mining fortress, we had just hit and began production of candy arms and armor.  Having repelled a few sieges at this point, my military was 40 dwarves strong.  Until, that is the candy tube of death and despair was breached.  20+ demons poured forth.  Sending the entirety of the military to face them resulted in losing all 40 military dwarves and 15 civilians.  They killed one demon.  The emergency civil defense lever is pulled and the fortress living and main production areas are sealed off from the depths.  Ending pop: 73 dwarves (there was a birth during that event).  For another year they work fine, until a legendary +2 mason decides to throw a tantrum over the demons destroying a masterful door or something.  He decides that the best way to handle his tantrum is to destroy a draw bridge.  One of the very bridges keeping the demons from the fortress.  The demons pour forth, and destroy the fortress.  The mason?  He was the last to die, the demons took turns beating him for over a season before he died.  Thus ending Isakbim.

I suck at writing humor, but it should be noted that 2 military dwarves gave birth during the first demon engagement, the babies were promptly slaughtered after acting as ablative armor for the 2 sword-dwarves.
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Garath

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2012, 06:52:15 pm »

The fortress of Copperdust.

It was a good place, not too hilly not too flat, quite some woodland but also some variety, good metal deposits though a bit scarce on iron or flux, bet hey, we've seen worse places and we already found platinum. After digging out the massive cavern that would be our main storage area and the slightly less impressive place where the workshops would be, construction began on a wildlife funnel and a farm for brewing. Both worked out fine, but while the farm produced usable items, the traps did not.

Now you understand, There is nothing against eating the meat that tried to kill you, especially if they consciously tried to kill you, after all, it's a different species, but those hamster man and women, and so many of them.... We put em all in one cage and sprung em free somewhere far from the fort. This was near winter as I recall, the liaison had just visited.

Well, so the traps were next to useless with only hamster people walking about so they were removed. I mean yes we're brutal, but we're not cruel. The entrance was still trapped and we flushed out the occasional goblin or kobold thief. We knew they wouldn't make too much trouble yet, not enough wealth to get here yet, Not worth the traveling and the inevitable cost, since no fort is entirely undefended. so work on serious defences and militia training was put off, though the wardogs were breeding fine.

Shortly after the turning of the year though, a woodcutter spotted an elf and went over to say hello. We try to keep good relations with the elf people. We can sell them things no dwarf would buy, but they seem to treasure them.In return they bring strange creatures that are completely tame, wood that is smoother and more workable than any I've seen and the seeds to fuel an above ground farm. However, they are too arrogant by half. They may be masters of the wilds, but we are masters of the stone.

In any case, this was not an average encounter, it seemed, they were too early to be a caravan, and our nations were not at war as far as was known currently, us being an outpost where news is last to arrive. However, what happened was visible for some people and his screams were audible enough to make us lead the alarm gongs. Everyone went into the secure area of the fort. Rotting elf bodies and rotting goblin bodies quickly made a stake out on the entrance. The hamster people however were left alone. I can not gaze into the mind of one who sold his soul to darkness, but still, I wonder what they had offered to make him send this force to us. We freed them! with no torture, they were well treated!

It was a frantic time. Food and other things were well supplied, but we were overflowing. It had been counted on that we could trade crafts and other things back to the mountain homes, but the undead menace was spotted and no dwarf trader came anywhere near. Smart 'us', unfortunately for us.

It was at this time that the bloodless body of the old mayor was found. The new mayor managed to comfort the new widow, but it was a bleak sign. A vampire was in ourmidst. We had all heard the tales when we were young. One more dwarf died before the criminal was found. None other than the militia commander! his skills with a crossbow were unmatched, so noone had closely examined all the jewelry he owned. Now some of that looked suspiciously like dwarf bone and other parts. Oh, the other sapient trophies were no problem, many soldiers had a nice collection of elf ears, or human ears, but dwarf ones? Well, we had assumed his allegiance to many places was due to the nature of hunters to wander about, but oh well.

He was exiled from the fort. Legally we couldn't do more. That or some hammer strikes or prison, both of which he would survive. Some wanted the hammerstrikes first, but it was thought of as a great idea to let him fight the zombies.
The trap corridor had been enhanced by nor, getting to early summer. Cage traps, weapon traps and spearing traps were working together. To top it off, a smasher had been made. Now a normal raising bridge will crush things it falls on, but this one was designed to crush and to crush a lot. So where did it go wrong?

Well, everything went as planned and the 50 odd undead were down to 0 in no time, most of them crushed. "unfortunatedly" or so we thought at that time, the vampire was also crushed.

It was, and as a true vampire it rose from the grave. Insubstantial and untouchable it drifted through the fort, upsetting anyone who saw it. After the first drained corpse, we knew it was serious. Trying to engrave a slab proved fruitless, noone knew the real name.

Another army of walking dead arrived, another was found drained. In the end the area was abandoned. The ores were not worth it yet and we need an exorsism for that ghost. Our other goal was to learn about strange creatures and how to train them. With the only creature being the useless hamster man/woman this was discarded too.

Previous inhabitants are notified that this will not be the last outpost and you are welcome to try and join if it fancies you in the future.
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Quote from: Urist Imiknorris
Jam a door with its corpse and let all the goblins in. Hey, nobody said it had to be a weapon against your enemies.
Quote from: Frogwarrior
And then everyone melted.

Rainseeker

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Good job! Now MORE! :D
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2012, 12:35:38 pm »

Nice stories, guys!  And for people who haven't posted, a couple of sentences are just as valid as longer stories.  Keep 'em coming!
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Rainseeker writes comics!  http://rattownstories.com

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Tweakd

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2012, 03:37:30 pm »

Rin Breakfastvoice decided enough was enough. After 33 years a *minced fish* in the morning doesn't hit the mark and the time had come to venture into the wilds in search of a breakfast fit for his name. He would travel far and wide eating only the best that this world had to offer. Gathering some rations and his trusty bronze sword he headed out, perhaps somewhat unprepared. At the edge of town a fellow Human by the name of Rel Scribebolted shuffled around anxiously. Rin stopped to ask directions for the capital. "A few days travel to the east young adventurer! Perhaps I can show you the way?" asked Rel. Obviously Rel was fed up with the fish too. So the two set out through the desert.

The food and water had run out sometime before but no matter, they were near. Strapamazed finally came into view.

Empty houses and shops, crumbling structures and roads in need of repair. As far as they could see only decay graced their presence. Rin and Rel needed to eat and drink and turning back was not an option. Too far from anywhere they searched the ruined city. Nothing. His stomach began to protest.

But then Rin spotted something scamper down a flight of stairs. Taking chase he was greeted by the sight of a dozen stray cats and their offspring that had taken residence in the entranceway of the city's lower regions. "Well at least it's not fish!" No-one was around and one cat would not be missed. This would be the first meal. Following it down into the sunken stone structure he stood amongst them. They purred around his legs. He struck at the closest and it died instantly. Stuffing its corpse into his sack he was jumped on by another. The little bastards could scratch! He chopped another in half in self defense.

"Rin Breakfastvoice you will pay for your crimes!" Rel must have been a cat person. But the old man couldn't match the cat slayers speed or strength and was slain where he stood. The feline army kept coming and so armed with some food Rin decided to explore the sewers to find some water and prepare his dinner. Slamming the heavy stone door behind him the cats hissed on the other side.

He turned his back to the door. His gaze fell upon a small marble room crammed with treasures complete with sets of armour and finely crafted weapons and ammunition. Perhaps this expedition was worth it after all! He stepped forwards only to narrowly avoid a spear trap hidden under the floor. Taking another step he just evaded a second. The next step wasn't so lucky. Click. He felt a searing pain shoot up his leg as a spear completely pierced his foot. Somehow the sandals seemed like a good idea 3 days ago. Passing out from the pain he spent a number of hours unconsious on the floor. Rin woke up in agony and unable to stand. "Sod this place!"

He crawled to the door along the same path he entered fearing the next trap would finish him off. The pain was hard to ignore but he fought it off long enough to get back outside. Pulling himself along the warm stone floor under the desert sun took all his strength and determination. "How could this day get any worse?"

Well the answer came in a small furry 4 legged mammal. Or rather a pissed off group of them. As they drew close he passed out once more from the intense pain. They scratched and bit and scratched at his lifeless body. He would wake covered in blood, unable to escape and then succumb to the pain once more. Over and over.

No-one is sure how long he lay there. Minutes passed into hours of unbearable pain. It could have been days. They say he died of suffocation by the paws of the cat Glowmonks. But two things are certain. He forgot to eat the sodding cat. And he should have settled for fish.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/877292/Rin%20Breakfastvoice.png
« Last Edit: April 02, 2012, 04:44:03 pm by Tweakd »
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