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Author Topic: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)  (Read 67407 times)

EmperorJon

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2012, 06:08:54 am »

Drink This Wine...

It was the spring of the year 167, and in the land they named The Hills Of Scribing there settled a fledgling Dwarf trading post. A population of at least 70, the wooden palisade surrounded a mix of log and stone surface houses and warehouses, and entrances to the subterranean dwellings below.
The people of this town, named Goldfire, were content to continue their lives as they had done for the past few years since the founding of the town; mining and smelting the abundant minerals, crafting the colourful rock into assortments of furniture and trade goods, and surviving off the fish of the local river, the plants which could be gathered or farmed above ground, and below-surface farms, as well as their own animal herds.
There had been no deaths, no disasters, indeed only 2 attacks. The first consisting of a Kobold thief, caught and caged while trying to steal gold trinkets, and the second being a Goblin ambush which was quickly routed by a combination of the trained Dwarven caravan guards, and the brave men and women who took up the crossbow and made their way to the palisade. In fact, the only injury to any of the inhabitants had been a slight cut on the Hunter-Militia-Commander's arm, where a bolt grazed him.
It was, however, the end of this spring, when everything changed.
Unbeknownst to the inhabitants of this idyllic quiet mining and farming town, one of the more recent migrants had a past slightly more shady... and longer... than anyone expected. He named himself as Domas Manorreigned, a humble 57-year-old ex-trader and accountant, skilled at negotiating deals, keeping records, and generally winning arguments and persuading people. In this especially he excelled, and soon trade with the other races was burgeoning more than ever.
This, however, was not his real name. His real name was Zefon Wetfigures, he who had sworn against the god Erib and had been punished, turned into a fanged creature who thirsted for the warm blood of others. He seemed different. Sure, yes, he was from the north. Strange folk those... perfectly find Dwarven lads and lasses, the lot of them, but strange. Different. Foreign. Still, despite his strangeness, none of them knew. None of them noticed. He was cunning, wise, and old... so very old. He had been born before time itself had been recorded, and had been a vampire for nigh on 100 years. He knew how to feed without killing, without arousing suspicion.
But then everything went horribly, horribly wrong.
At the end of that spring, an unfortunate spree of most ill timed events led to chaos in the fort. A siege of Goblins surrounding the walls, no traders for more than a year. Decent food and drink began to run low, and the population was growing unhappy. Early one morning, the sun yet to peak above the horizon, 'Domas' wandered through the livestock talking to the sentries on constant lookout for Goblins trying to break in or otherwise circumvent the wall. Animals were always strange around him too, it seemed they could tell something was wrong, and it was this morning that a Yak bull, with long horns, forced to trample the same small square of barren pasture day on day lost it. It gored him, breaking a rib and causing major damage to his lung. He gasped and blacked out repeatedly as his body tried to breathe but failed.
They took him to the hospital, where he underwent surgery and spent a long time in bed. He survived, although scarred, and did not suffer from infection. But the damage had been done; his blood had been spilled. Although it could not possibly be seen by the naked eye, the river was tainted, running red with the vampiric blood of Zefon Wetfigures. The river that, due to diminishing alchohol supplies, was the main source of water for the town.
From that day onwards the gates of Goldfire-On-The-Bloodwine never opened again.



Hope you enjoyed that. What was most amusing about it was I didn't find out this had happened until a Necromancer invasion refused to kill anyone. I thought, wait, are all my Dwarves undead? I was going to post a bug report, when I realised there was blood in the water in the well, and after checking the source and realising he was 50-something... with totally white hair and a former member of about 70 places, I realised what must have happened... legends mode confirmed this.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2012, 06:11:08 am by EmperorJon »
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I think it's the way towns develop now. In the beginning, people move into a town. Then they start producing tables, which results in more and more tables. Soon tables represent a significant portion of the population, they start lobbying for new laws and regulations, putting people to greater and greater disadvantage...
Link for full quote. 'tis mighty funny.

Garath

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2012, 04:07:00 pm »

Wasprocks; A work in progress

We were sent into inhospitable territory by the bejeweled pages, The glorious mountainhomes, after the failure at Copperdust. Our mission is to establish a stronghold at the edge of goblin territory. We will receive few reinforcements and should expect heavy goblin pressence. We are not actually at war, but outposts like this will protect the citadels further inland. That being said, we're not just making a stronghold, we're making a death trap. The ground level will be closed off, the level above will have carved walls for marksdwarfs to shoot through. All will receive a roof to force the flying creatures through the few tunnels that will remain to the heart of the earth.

Defences were worked on early and traps were set. No able military arrived early on, but some capables from the older forts did make an appearance. This time things will be different. Goblin ambushes were soon to follow. We might not make golden statues, not much gold here, but our luxury of life spread fast, since a master brewer and a master cook have emerged now. We've gained an enormous amount of experience on training most of the creatures here. Cougars and Leopards, black mambas, king cobras, warthogs, falcons and a bit more. However, our efforts with warthogs were so succesful that the trade caravan now offers domesticated ones to us. Needless to say we got our own, but it is gratifying to see results.


We have done a lot of work and the walls are complete. An east-west corridor keeps the fort open to visitors, but it is heavily fortified. Quite a lot of the roof has been finished, there are lots of traps down. Marksdwarf walkways have been made, there are several barracks and a good archery range, archery towers, guard posts and more. We number just under 80 but the goblin ambushes extract their toll and work gets slow. However, the number of wildlife trying to cross our corridor means we get to practice with many species. A tiger was caught lately. A male, but still.


The way to our work, the roof, is safe, no goblin showed up on an aggressive flying creature yet and whenever they enter the corridors or the tunnels they lose, but it's defeating our spirits. Work is left unfinished. The metal industry has all but ground to a halt. There is a squad of spear dwarfs and a squad of marksdwarfs, but they can't be kept on active duty, we are too few in number and putting a roof up is more important right now. We were ordered to make one of the most defensible points in the history and we will, though we will not have the time to construct pits, drowning chambers and such. This place has to be huge, it has to be able to hold, hide and feed an army. It will be a sally point. We will outflank them in their own territory.


War cougars and war leopards now guard our borders. I hope the end of our work will be a quiet one. Almost every labor has been canceled except those related to direct survival and the completion of our goal. I am looking forward to the day that I can turn the controll of this place over to a military governor. I truly want to move on, and between attacks and sieges I'm dreaming of some quiet place, not too quiet, where I can get a couple of people to settle down, farm and smoke tobacco and kill any kobold that tries to steal my pipe...


Meanwhile, I'll make the greenskinned bastards pay for every inch they see. We already buried Bomrek, Torast.. was it Torast? and several more. No giving up, for the mountain homes!

_______

seriously, I wanted to make a deathtrap / horrible outpost, got a bit out of hand. My biggest enemy is FPS, going to keep updating
« Last Edit: April 06, 2012, 09:44:36 am by Garath »
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Quote from: Urist Imiknorris
Jam a door with its corpse and let all the goblins in. Hey, nobody said it had to be a weapon against your enemies.
Quote from: Frogwarrior
And then everyone melted.

Clownmite

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2012, 09:10:16 pm »

Short story, and I'm sure its nothing unique:

Iton was everything a dwarf could aspire to be: strong, agile, charismatic, and skilled with a hammer. He enlisted in the militia upon arrival at Rosemountains and was soon elected mayor. After proving himself on the field of battle, he was promoted to the Captain of the newly formed Fortress Guard, and also given the honorary title of Hammerer. Over time, the fortress noticed some quirks about Iton. He refused to fight the undead horde as his comrades died around him, and neither did the undead make any attempt to attack him. He also refused to meet the Outpost Liaison, who had been following him dutifully around the fortress for years.

In a goblin ambush, Iton heroically defended the fortress entrance but took heavy injuries to his spine. He would never walk again. Soon after, he dragged himself to the barracks and was caught draining one of his fellow Fortress Guard members of blood! For reasons unknown, Iton made his way to the empty bedroom of another dwarf. As soon as he entered (outpost liason following happily behind), the dwarves locked the door shut.

Years passed. The Outpost Liaison tried as hard as he could, but he could not get through to Iton to begin their meeting. After about 36.06 ;) months, a slow realization dawned on Iton. "I'm.... I'm... NAKED!," he screamed, for his clothes had indeed rotted away. The Outpost Liaison could not console him. Iton descended into madness, babbling incoherently. The dwarves took this as their cue to release Iton from his confinement.

And that is the reason there has been a naked dwarf crawling around my fort for the past 5 years.
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McFlow

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2012, 12:57:15 pm »

Okay, here it is. Short but fun!

McFlow is overseering his a fortress and his second siege ever arrives at the gates of The Righteous Incest, part of "The Familial Sack" civilization. He is masterfully prepared. Although the military only consists of seven dwarves total with mediocre training, fields full of cage traps and a spike corridor stand between The Righteous Incest's wealth of treasures and the siegers.

He orders the metalsmiths and woodburners inside, who have their workshops inside the outside walls, but outside of the trap system. ((I thought wood burning would cause smoke and had to be done outside, silly me.)) The spike corridor consists instead of firm stone is surrounded on all sides by a deep pit. The spikes are connected to a lever. No sieger will ever pass without falling into the depths of the mountain. Mc Flow smiles, and tells one of his minions to repeatedly pull the lever.

Combat reports start streaming in. A small and sturdy creature storms into the overseers office. "They're all dead! They're all dead!" The overseer bursts into laughter. "Lower the drawbridge. Collect the skulls of the siegers and make sure future enemies will know what they are messing with!" The other dwarf blinks quickly a few times and begins rapidly spewing words. "I am not talking about the siegers. The forgers of our metal! Urist McWeaponSmith, Urist McSmelter, all of them. They have turned into Urist McSpiked, UristMcSquatted, Urist McDead, Urist McBoneless."

The overseer facepalms.
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I embarked on an island, saw the ocean was frozen, and decided to dig a fort in there. I forgot that it wasn't a freezing biome...

TSTwizby

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2012, 06:38:50 pm »

A bit of an old one this. Not particularly relevant to elements of the new versions, but kind of funny.

The curious incident of the demon in the wartime

On the fifteenth of Felsite of the year 10, a second vile force of darkness arrives. I quickly order the dwarves to stay in the fortress (luckily, all were already inside due to the large amount of labor necessary in hauling spare clothing to the trading depot to offload onto the elves) and lock all doors to the inside. I take a look at the invaders, noting that this time they had brought trolls and ogres, so I might need the second bridge I'd built as an extra precaution over the back door. I take a moment to order the levers that control these bridges pulled, and then return to my searching.
Along with about sixty assorted goblin lashers and hammer men, I see something called Snun Tospasuspsast, master. Curious, I view the creature.

An enormous eyeless lizard twisted into humanoid form. It has a bloated body. It's crimson scales are blocky and overlapping. Beware its poisonous sting! He is of average size.

I ignore the obvious contradiction inherent to the description, being used by now to artifacts which are engraved with images of themselves. I take a moment and look up the tileset on the wiki.

I return to dwarf fortress, hoping that, even if I don't survive, I can at least lose in a spectacular way.
Realising that this might not be the best attitude to have, I take a break for a few moments to pull myself together, ready to hold out for even more Fun in the future rather than settle for what little is available now. I'm not sure at this point exactly what demons can do, it being my personal policy that I not look up the details of creatures until after I've survived them or they've killed me. I assume for the moment that they are immune to traps and building destroyers, correctly as I saw later. At the moment, assuming it cannot fly due to a lack of wings, it has three potential entrance points: the front and back doors, and a door leading into a channeled out section beneath my front door. The last of these should not be a problem unless the demon either jumps off the cliff on the side of the channeled out side or is somehow knocked in. Just in case, I set a bridge to be built just inside the door. I unpause the game, spend a minute or so ordering my miners about, then check back on the surface to see what has happened. I notice that the front door has been broken by one of the trolls, though the bridge behind it is raised and intact, and that the demon is slowly advancing on the fortress. I also note, with some alarm, that the bridge in front of my back door isn't closed. I check the levers I had assigned pulled just in case, and both had indeed been pulled. I order the backdoor-bridge lever to be pulled again just in case. After a dwarf pulls it I wait a few moments, and still nothing happens. Deciding that there's no time to waste, I order the dismantling of the bridge and the construction of a new one a few tiles below it. I assign six dwarfs the mechanics, masonry and building design labors and turn off all the others to speed up time. I wait, my breath coming a little shorter and faster with every passing step, until the bridge is built and I order it linked to the lever that I had thought matched the old bridge. As I wait for this to take effect, I feverishly pound at the keyboard, ordering all three squads of military dwarves to the door, pulling all nonmilitary and nonmason/architect/mechanic dwarves deeper in the fortress. To save a little time I order some cheesemakers and waxworkers to carry doors down ahead of the bridge, hoping that if they didn't manage to construct the doors in time they could at least delay the demon a little in their death. At last the mechanic finishes his job, and I order the lever pulled. And the bridge retracts. At this point, all my hysteria drains away, replaced with a sort of cold acceptance that I've lost. I notice, uncaringly, that I had forgotten to release the cheesemakers and waxworkers from the burrow, as indicated by the numerous 'Urist McExpendable cancels construct Door' announcements crossing the bottom of the screen. I release the military from their task, deciding to allow them some last happy moments of freedom before the end.
I wait a few moments.
It occurs to me to wonder why the demon hasn't attacked yet.
I search the map. It doesn't appear to be on ground level. Wondering if it could indeed fly, I check to see if it was already slaughtering my dwarves, having flown in through a hole I'd made earlier in the roof to prevent cave adaptation. There are no reports of fighting, but I check the mountain anyway. Apart from a few stray trolls, a squad of goblins that seemed lost and a few stray yaks (tame) that had somehow avoided slaughter, there was nothing. Thoroughly confused, I checked the front door of my fortress. It was still closed tight. Finally, wondering if it had fled for some reason, I search through the units screen. I find it, and press c.

It was sitting at the bottom of a murky pool.

I wait for a few moments. It doesn't seem to be moving. I pause, set orders for my dwarves to build a new bridge, then return to the demon and resume play.

It sits there for about five minutes.

Not quite sure what to make of this, I decide to risk sending my military to attack a squad of goblin lashers that were wandering around their caged leader. They kill them without trouble and return to the fortress. I check up on the construction of the bridge, note that it is finished, and connect a lever to it. As the mechanic is at work, I see the last squad of goblins come in through the back door and run straight into my weapon traps. None of them is especially injured, and I am almost insulted when I check the reports to see how easily they dodged or blocked the best weapons I could forge. I lock the door leading into the fortress (not interrupting my mechanic, since the door is on the other side of the bridge I am working on) and the goblins turn around and walk right back through the weapon traps, taking a bit more damage. Ignoring them for the moment, I check the demon again, and see it still sitting at the bottom of the pool.
I decide that the best thing to do is to try and build a floor over the pond, trapping the demon inside. I'm still not sure what that would mean for the siege, but I could then spend a few years training up my military to finally kill it, or else digging down to the caverns so I can gather some spider webs and cage it. I release all my masons from the burrow, order my military to stand around the pond looking menacing, and order the masons to construct floors over the pond. I look for the last goblin squad, just in case they are still a danger, and see that they have fled the map and that the siege tag was gone. Disappointed, I note that the demon has also managed to pull itself away from the bottom of the pool and escape. I sadly cancel my military and mason's orders, and remove my citizens from the burrow.
Logged
I got a female and male dragon on my embark. I got cagetraps on the exits but im struggling to find a way to make them path into it.
Live bait.
3 dwarfs out of 7 dead so far

King_of_the_weasels

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2012, 06:53:07 pm »

A few releases ago I had a pretty nifty fortress going on, it had a waterfall fountain in the dining room, that would lead into a big pool I had dug out below it, to collect all the water, there were also 2 openings else were that over looked the pool, and were there just to look nice I guess, so I built a pumpstack that was powered by a waterwheel, this pumpstack would carry the water from the pool and expel it back into the river (ie brook) and the brook had a moat dug out that was used to feed the waterfall fountain (it had to go through another level which I built somewhat of a pipe with walls for, then it would simply cascade down the dining room level then fill the pool.

The only problem was, the way the river (ie brook) froze, was that it would freeze the water leading to the wheel, that would pump the water out, but leave the part that fueled the waterfall unfrozen for a few turns more, this would lead to seasonal minor flooding (about 1-2 units of water) that would not only flood the fountain in the dining room, but also the two extra pool areas, which were mostly just traffic areas leading from the living, eating, sleeping area, to the work area.  This wasn't really a threat to the adult dwarves, but pretty much any time someone had a baby, they would get washed away into the below level pool every winter.

Despite this it was one of my best fortresses, and lasted 4 years. 
« Last Edit: April 09, 2012, 06:59:37 pm by King_of_the_weasels »
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Slacker an illustrated story. Actually updated!?

riznar

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2012, 02:38:30 pm »

This happened a few weeks and like 10 fortresses ago so I don't have names.

I had a vampire in my evil region fort.
 
I had a zombie apocalypse happen.
 
Since zombies ignored him I had him clean up until the next migrant wave came. This involved temporarily killing zombies and dumping them in a deep pit.
 
However, a zombie cow reraised while he was dragging it. The cow out-massed him, and when he fought it, it kicked him into said hole.

Which there was no way out from.
 
The irony being that the vampire actually started the zombie apocalypse by killing a child in its bedroom while I wasn't looking.

I got the message "No one even thought about migrating to such a death trap."
 
There, in that hole, the vampire had all of eternity to contemplate what he had done.
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Garath

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2012, 06:44:57 pm »

can I post some fiction on what CAN happen too (though dramatized)? It's not really fit for story board.

in any case:

this is a hypothetical thing, using an "exploit", noone did it yet afaik. Mostly because it is tedious and not worth it. Was done sometimes in adventure mode from rumors I heard. Dwarfs with little or no fat can survive extreme heat, since it is their fat melting that causes bleeding.
_____________________________________


The fort of Caveswallowed was having troubles. It was located at a volcano and the forges were runing day and night. However, the enemy hosts were endless. Goblins, Humans, Elves, Animal People... All were enraged at the lonely outpost that they all claimed was sitting in land that belonged to them. And while the smiths were the best and their armor and weapons without peer, they would always lose a dwarf or two during the battles, and migrants could not make it through the deadly rings of enemies. Slowly but surely, Caveswallowed would be worn away. Their only fail-safe defence was to flood the immediate area of the gate with magma. It had saved quite some migrants earlier, but now the sieges were too strong, too mobilized, everywhere.

Then, one season after no migrants had shown for a year, hearing of the fate of their predecessors, a large group was spotted. Nearly 40 dwarfs had arrived at a weak point in the siegers ring. Many cheered at the arrivals, they stood a good chance to reinforce the dwindling forces of the fort. Sunlight glinted of bronze, iron, steel and copper armor. Soon it looked hopeless enough. They made a fighting retreat, the steel clad fighters obviously being the backbone, but one by one they were cut down. It was down to the eleven steel clads and a handfull of the others by the time they got near the gates. By then their fate was sealed, they could not be allowed to lure this siege force into the fort. With a heavy heart the levers were pulled and the magma started flowing and the lava would soon incinerate the hillside. It was sad to lose such skilled fighters. They were down to 9 now, and chances of victory were non existent

Shortly after, screams went up near the entrance. The unprotected animal people died instantly. Goblins and trolls died in heartbeats. The better protected dwarfs took a heart rending minute to draw their last breath. As the screams of anguish died away, some inside silently prayed to Armok to watch over the souls of the valiant fighters, making sure they would never run out of booze or enemies in the time after. Then one screamed in terror and pointed at the red haze that had been the battlefield.

Through it a shape was aproaching. This could only be a demon, nothing could withstand the heat of the place. As it approached, everyone nervously gripped their weapons. Slowly eight more shapes materialized, four on each side. Had they survived so far only to die to this? But as the shape grew nearer the heated air started to stop playing tricks. The shapes stopped wavering and shrank down to dwarf size.

Nine dwarfs walked out of the crazy heat. Clad in steel and clothed in... what? was that the famed adamantine? It didn't show any change at all and was clearly what protected them from the glowing armor, hot enough to sear flesh. They looked emaciated to the point of death and for a moment every dwarf present wondered if he really was still alive, or if there was necromancy going on.

Then the leader... thing saluted.

"Litush Ilriden, reporting, with the, eh, magma squad."

Silence greeted his words.

"We were hired, and trust me we are not cheap, to fight here. As long as we are not submerged in magma more than our neck, our clothing and armor protects us. Our upper tissue is mostly gone though. But now, I'm dying for a drink. Who's the boss around here? We need quarters, supplies, a barracks of our own, more supplies and can someone get me a fucking drink!"
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Quote from: Urist Imiknorris
Jam a door with its corpse and let all the goblins in. Hey, nobody said it had to be a weapon against your enemies.
Quote from: Frogwarrior
And then everyone melted.

stopdroprole

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #23 on: April 14, 2012, 08:12:23 pm »

Children all throw tantrums, but how many do you know that decide to KILL out of anger? My fort was running very smoothly until everyone decided to start giving birth! we had about 150 dwarves and 20 soldiers all suited with fine steel. Along with those dwarves were about 30 kids. Apparently i was a bad dad and they all began to throw tantrums, i thought it was just a kid thing so i promptly ignored it. Well that was until one went berserk on me! Now i didn't want to kill the poor thing but he was strangling all of my animals!!! But i figured he would just calm down eventually so i let him run his course. The very next thing he attacks is another kid! sending 3 other kids into tantrums! By this point i have had enough these kids would not make a mockery of my fort!! So what did do? Well what any good leader would do, send in the military! The battles didn't last long as each kid was brutally stabbed, clubbed, mangled, and sliced. this had unforeseen problems though, 15 out of my 20 military units go tantrum quickly destroying and slaughtering every living sole in my fort. Now it remains a ghost graveyard littered with bones of men, women and many children.       
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Andrew425

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2012, 12:40:38 am »

Here is my somewhat humorous contribution  (This was before there were automatic ramps next to ponds)

Urist McAxedwarf in the midst of chasing a goblin thief dodges into a pond. He drowns. Awwww

I then say hmm, he's the guy with the steel battleaxe, so I go try to find a way to get him out. Instead of just draining the pool into a cavern or something I decide that it would be best to pump the water out.

I assemble a screw pump and begin pumping, of course forgetting that the water will just flow back into the pool bringing my pumper with it. The first one with no swimming experience manages to drag himself out of the ramp. I'm ecstatic i've just developed a place to train swimmers! so about 6 dwarves with the pump labour come on over to it and get swished into the pool. They then drag themselves out and wait in line to try it again. Then along comes McLengedary Mason/Architect. (My only mason in a fort of 130 dwarves) He tries it out, gets swept back in and immediately gets frozen.

The battleaxe was never recovered.
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May the mass times acceleration be with you

Manze

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #25 on: April 23, 2012, 10:08:24 pm »

In the fortress of Riddledrazor, things were getting hectic. A newly-elected mayor was mandating maces, regardless of the fact that precious little in the way of metals had been mined. A vampire was killing people left and right, leaving no clues as to who he is. Defenses are being made at an astonishingly slow rate. A well has just been set up, and food production is stabilizing. Some of the 54 dwarf children are finally reaching an age of use.

A bronze colossus arrives.

Charging at a fisherdwarf, he quickly strikes him down before turning on a planter. The pitiful military of 12 dwarves is sent out to hold it off while the dwarven caravan makes its way over. They reach him as he starts to strangle the planter. Striking ineffectively with iron maces, spears, and swords (and one steel war hammer), all looks hopeless.

Weeks pass. The dwarven caravan has left. The military has been bolstered with another fifteen dwarves, armed with whatever they could find (mostly more maces and obsidian swords). The collossus is still strangling that poor planter. Almost all of the military dwarves are legendary in their respective skill, yet none of them can even scratch the colossus.

Months pass. A human caravan arrives. The entire military consists of legendary weapon users, from swords to hammers to daggers. Planter still alive, somehow. Still being strangled. As the humans prepare to leave, a lasher is noted among their escort. After he refuses to assist the slaying of the colossus, his whip is forcibly removed and handed to a green recruit. The recruit, a brave young soul named Ideb, charges at the colossus with reckless abandon, flailing his whip left and right. The first strike fractures the colossus' right leg, while the second fractures its right arm. The rest of the military descends upon the weakened limbs, while Ideb keeps swinging recklessly. A short tie thereafter, he gets a lucky swing in and severs the colossus' head.

Shortly after the colossus is killed, the poor planter finally dies. Nobody ever found out from what.

Seriously, the colossus spawned and I thought I was done for. But no, he was content to spend two and a half seasons strangling a planter while I trained up my entire military on him, before I finally got a whip by killing a caravan guard.
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empfan

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #26 on: April 25, 2012, 08:06:20 pm »

about a couple months ago, I had one ice block melt and had the tile sit there.  The next few months, it never stopped raining, and eventually the spot grew, and soon it flooded my entire fort, starting from the entrance.  I find this slightly funny, considering a single tile caused the Fun death of everyone drowning inside the fort.

Horrid humor, yes I know.
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negligible

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #27 on: April 28, 2012, 06:25:50 am »

This story dwarf fortress was played in Masterwork version.  I will stick to the truth as much as possible, but I will add my own dialogue to add taste to the story and give my own thoughts on what happened, outside the fortress.  The constructions were inspired by the dwarf machinists of Dragon Age and Skyrim.  I hope you enjoy this story, it was my longest lasting and biggest fortress without using any external apps (except dtherapist)

                                                                                                                  The City of Subetoddom

Baronness:  Come here children, do not be alarmed.  Let me tell you a story to pass the time.

     A long time ago, there was a magnificent fortress built out of silver and gold; a wondrous and horrid tale of great riches and their inevitable downfall; built from the lives and deaths of hundreds of dwarves.  On the surface, the mega-construct was a sight to behold with 2 walls of defense made of pure silver, surrounding a tower, made out of pure gold, reaching 15 stories high; however, this is only the tip of the iceberg.  It is told that the tower stretched many miles deep to the great magma sea itself.  Today we will delve into a story, thrown into the records as a myth, of one of the first greatest civilizations that almost made and destroyed the world as we know it.  Every story has a beginning and an end, so grab a seat and immerse yourself in this tale.

     It was the beginning of the recorded world, many civilizations has started to become aware of the strength in numbers and fortifications.  The dwarves were a smart race and had a natural talent in masonry, but they were also cursed with small stature, making them easy prey for larger predators.  After being hunted from cave to cave, a group of 7 dwarves were forced to trudge the vast desert of "The Marked Hills."  When the caravan was about to lose all hope of finding safe haven, they came across a site with multiple oasis nearby.  There was no caves to seek shelter, but sand is also rock and stone withered down by many years of high winds and friction.  Luckily the dwarves moved with a savant with an unusual talent for smithing, a talent that was not known during those times.  He was able to use fire to hold the sand in place and create tunnels into the land.  Intrigued with the notion of sand turning to glass, the seven dwarves wasted no time in creating shelter from the cold desert nights.  The oasis provided enough water and wild life to sustain their lives, but like all sentient life forms on this world, they felt something was missing and wanted more from life.  So they started to dig.  In hopes to create a permanent home for themselves, they dug deeper to find a rock-bed.  It made them comfortable to know that the roof and floor was stable and not prone to collapse.  Each of them worked day and night, delighted that they can create a new home for themselves, they created storerooms, individual sleeping quarters, and masonry's.  Weeks past by.  The nearby oasis provided them with plenty of water and enough wild life to live comfortable and carefree; however, one night, a creature known as the white tigerman sneaked into their little haven, to scout and steal what he can.  They became aware of this and protected what little they had.  The seven dwarves came to the realization that they're not dreaming and that there were still beasts and large predators lurking out there to take what they want.  Reality hit them hard and they did not want to lose their home again.  They knew sooner or later, an evil darkness would come to prey on them.

      Dwarves may be small, but we are not weak and we are definitely not dumb.  So they started to build walls for defense and stonefall traps for any beasts lurking nearby, but that wasn't enough, they also knew that they can't live in peace with so few to protect their home.  So everyday, 2 of them would go scout the area to forge alliances with any neighboring villages that weren't hostile.  They wanted to create weapons to protect themselves, but the trees were too few, cactus was too frail, and stone was too heavy to create efficient weapons, but they had plenty of sand to create glass.  With the discovery of coal deposits and a the construction of furnaces, they were able to craft many items needed create a safe haven.  Soon they were able to build proper defenses and luxurious items for themselves and the scouts would find lost dwarves and trade caravans.  The small home created to live peacefully, would soon turn into a city with an armed militia...but a thriving city would only give evil creatures more to steal and pillage.
 
     The Marked Hills is a vast desert filled with nothing but sand and heat, the wildlife is scarce and dangerous, and the dryness makes water more valuable then gold; however, the land below the city of Subetoddom is a lot more generous and provided an abundant amount of resources to trade with other cities.  With the creation of glass products, trade caravans from other villages and cities would barter items and knowledge for trinkets made by the desert dwelling dwarves.  With the knowledge of forging, the city was able to make use of the large amount of mineral veins beneath their feet.  Records say that the city of Subetoddom was so rich, they didn't have enough space in their treasury to store all the silver and gold, so they used their metals to make their city more beautiful.  The walls and roads were crafted out of pure silver and made a tower out of gold to store their riches.  Sentient beings from all across the land would travel to this magnificent city, just to see a glimpse of its beauty.  Some would go to live their, others would go to trade, but most seemed inclined to destroy or take the city for themselves.  Such a gaudy display of wealth made many creatures despise these dwarves and the city soon found themselves sieged by armies from: white tigerman, war elephants, goblins, frog men, jaguar warlords, ferric elves, warlocks, orcs, undead, serpentmen, badgermen, raptormen, and even the fabled minotaurs and jotuns.  Most were all out with the intent to destroy this city and the dwarves hubris, but the humans were stricken by greed and wanted to capture the city for themselves.  For years, each species eyed the jewel on the Marked Hills, but the city was turned into a fortress and the outlying sands turned into a mass graveyard for any who tried to invade.  For every 10 fallen enemies, the city would lose 1.  The enemies weren't weak and they started building alliances among eachother to attack multiple sides at once.  Even though the city guards had higher ground, they were still few compared to the amount of evil that lurked beyond the gates.  How did this city stand so strong with such overwhelming forces, you might ask?  The city counselors were smart, they were using their brains and decided to create a strong medical branch within the city walls.  Constant attack and accidents among the miners, kept the hospital filled up and trained many dwarves to be proficient doctors.  As the years went on, more and more dwarves migrated into the city and with it, a stronger military.  Soon the city was becoming overpopulated and the miners had to start digging deeper, not knowing of the dangers that laid below.
     
     Wealth is a funny concept.  Every creature can succumb to greed and corrupt the core of their soul.  The city had more wealth then they could spend and controlled the trade caravans throughout the world.  The city was so self reliant it didn't even need to trade with other cities, so they decided to control wealth traded throughout the world...but that wasn't enough.  The city of Subetoddom became the most advanced city and there was nothing left to learn and since there was nothing to learn above ground, they wanted to learn everything below ground.  The various amounts of metals made the dwarves in this city want to dig deeper to find new metals and more of it.  Some miners were so focused on discovering new veins, they haven't touched the warmth of the great fire in the sky for years.  This brought an adaptation they never expected; the deep miners never used their eyes because it was so dark, so they soon grew blind and used their sense of touch and smell to navigate through the mines...until they came across a blinding light deep beneath the land.

     The blinding light was a gigantic cave covered in a type of glass we call crystal, light was somehow trapped within this cave and it reflected off every crevice in the vast cavern below.  This was a new place the dwarves never new about.  The new plant life and knowledge to be gained excited the whole city and wanted to discover the mystery to the crystallized lifeforms.  More then half the city created expeditions to harvest the plants and create living quarters in the new place.  Underlying rivers gave them a way to create energy through waterwheels and give them a much more efficient way to carry out manual labor.  Automatic machines gave the dwarfs more leisure and jumped with joy at the thought of this.  They started expanding and some dwarves created houses for themselves in what looked like a giant terrarium.  Everything was going well, until they discovered that the world below had lifeforms of its own.  Strange creatures started popping out of horizon; the scholars wanted to study the creature, not knowing of its malevolent nature.  The crystal chasm was soon abandoned to all civilians and city created a military base to keep the monsters away.  They created the base because the the city now had access to a forest, the world has not discovered yet.  Even with the new dangers, the dwarves wanted to dig deeper and learn what other secrets await.

End of Part 1.

Trying to remember my first fortress in this land is quite difficult and takes quite a while to remember what I was doing exactly.  It's a long story, just want to share my nerdiness with everyone.  :)
Part 2 will come up within the next day or 2.
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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #28 on: April 29, 2012, 04:25:45 am »

I don't often play Fort mode. It's too involved with what I feel is too poor control to really have the kind of Fun I want with it.

However, I found myself starting a Fortress Mode game after my last adventurer retired.

This has, so far, been the most successful fort I've ever made; it's survived 2 years already. They had their shares of ups-and-downs (the first set of settlers had to abandon it when all but 3 people died of thirst due to the lack of room to place stills), and there was a cave-in over the farming area that killed 3 of the current settlers to the reclaimed fort. One of which was an innocent bystander; the two miners whom collapsed the section of cave were told to do so, and the room below was kept off-limits until construction was over, but the miners died from standing on the material that fell, and a Legendary Cheesemaker (RIP Cheez Wiz) in a room below the room where the materials fell was killed when a small section of the roof collapsed from the weight above him.

However, some funny things have occurred through out this fortress's life:

  • Every dwarf the game gave me (quick play) when I reclaimed the fort was a grandmaster in at least 1 food related skill.
  • When it was noticed that some of the overhanging sand from the main entrace was starting to cave in on it's own, operations began to safely collapse the excess material so no one would be injured later on. While this was happening, a fisherdwarf a fairly good distance away from the entrance was rendered unconscious 4 times by flying debris.
  • One of the Miners who died of thirst in the first party of settlers rose as a ghost and began haunting the fortress; however, the ghost was always described as being content and every dwarf who encountered it had their mood levels elevated. He also liked to misplace people's socks and underpants, so I decided to move his corpse to a special tomb (not actually in a Tomb, but just a room where it wouldn't cause miasma problems) so we could honor him and keep his spirit around.
  • Two dwarves whom failed to create a masterpiece and then went insane were running around my fort and one of them, a Wax Worker, murdered one of the craftsdwarves. There were 2 witnesses to the event, both implicating the Wax Worker. The case went unsolved until the Wax Worker died of thirst from not bothering to drink, and the city watch eventually arrested the other insane dwarf and sentenced him to death for the murder of the craftsdwarf.
  • A baby was just born and it is already a devout worshipper of the local diety, as well as having a beard longer and thicker than his father.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2012, 04:28:13 am by TheCoolSideofthePIllow »
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nimbus25

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #29 on: April 29, 2012, 06:37:56 pm »

alright couple things, 1. this is my first post so don't yell at me 2. this story might be lame, but it annoys me a ton...

in my newest fortress, setting up some stuff, trying to find 1st cavern as i probably missed it, and you know, running a fortress. suddenly a dwarf has a baby. i'm like "*sigh* time to make another living quarters". shortly later, another baby was born, so i made another living quarters. then it went on normally, for a while.

about 1 month later, another baby was born, then another, then another, then another, then another, like 8 babies in 20 real life minutes. i'm like "-.- you know how annoying you babies are"

shortly later, after the 1st breakout, i get like 8 more babies. i'm facedesking at the number of babies i have, currently the number is 23 babies, ALL from being born

and not only that, every single migrant wave is like 50% cooks, and i have like 8 fisherdwarves.

figurenotched, the fortress of babies, cooks, and fisherdwarves
« Last Edit: April 29, 2012, 07:13:11 pm by nimbus25 »
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