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Author Topic: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)  (Read 68802 times)

Eric-The-Red

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #30 on: April 30, 2012, 10:11:41 am »

Hello, short time reader, first time poster. I have two kinda funny stories from different fortresses, one was from I was just starting and I didn't know much and the other was just a kinda "Meh, what the hell?" I don't have names, So they will be Fortress One and Fortress A.

Fortress 1

So, I'm going marrily along until I get this message "Id McCheese, Cheesemaker, is taken by a strange mood" I'm like "Oh, yay, an artifact is going to be made." So, I scroll over the workshop he commandeered and he had the wood he needed, but he was drawing pictures of quarries. I thought "Well, stone right?" I had stone, but he didn't get any, so I tried growing some quarry bushes in case thats what he meant. I found out later it was stone, that Dwarf was just odd. Well they didn't grow any, but I knew I had the farmers had the labor. So I waited him to go insane because there was nothing I could do. Well, he went berserk and was trying to kill people so I rounded up my military to kill him right away. Easy enough. And so, things went on as normal except for one thing - I didn't make him a coffin. Yes, I put him in an air tight corpse pile, and I mistakenly thought that was the end of it. Time went on, migrants came, children among them and others and then I see that this berserk cheesemaker has become a malevolent apparition and ripped off a child's leg. I was horrified. Looked up what to do in this case... So I made the bastard a burial receptacle and he was put to rest, but the child was wounded. He was fine though, I had crutches, plenty of doctors, and a hospital. He was going to be fine after awhile.
Nope.
Kidnappers came in the night, avoided my traps and militia and took just that child, the limping weak child to be raised by goblins! I assume they're going to tell him that dwarves had ripped off his leg because they are evil creatures. Which is half true, it was an evil dwarf ghost after all.

And now the Fortress A.

I have learned from the mistakes of the past and have made a truly formidable fortress that would stand up to a goblin siege if I did indeed get one. I had about 80 or so dwarves and its been awhile, maybe 2 years, and no sign, not a kidnapper, not an ambush of goblins. I was not on an island, I got some goblins later, but just kidnappers, no ambushes or sieges. Moving on, I had 80 dwarves and the only trouble I've had was the death of a couple dwarves from a vampire (and one from a werenewt). I went looking, but I couldn't be arsed to look on the list so I just looked around my fortress for any strange dwarves in bedrooms for awhile. Then I noticed thusly, my expedition leader was dead. I was pissed, he was a legendary miner dwarf slated to become mayor. And then I noticed that my dwarves just held an election after his death for mayor. I ignored that for awhile and looked at the lists now more thoroughly and found the perpetrator. My dwarves elected a fucking vampire as the mayor, the vampire that has been picking them off and killed his only competition. I applauded him before I walled him up in a nice noble room, engraved and adorned beyond his expectations, with an office for mayorly work. So yes, my fortress had a vampire mayor and it actually got up to 120some dwarves. It was my most successful fortress yet. I'm still learning all the outs and ins, but just two kind funny stories from a newcomer to Dwarf Fortress. Hope you enjoyed them.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2012, 10:13:41 am by Eric-The-Red »
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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #31 on: May 01, 2012, 03:05:57 am »

I copied over my running fortress's save so I could play adventure mode to find the fort. When I got there, I expected to see a bunch of corpses and scattered goods. Instead, it seems, that almost every dwarf is still alive... However, over half the fortress's population was babies. So all the living dwarves I have found in my abandoned for adventure mode fort are babies crawling around XD
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xandalis

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2012, 11:21:25 am »

So, the following story is a dramatized version of the events that lead to my abandonment of the fortress, including a brief attempt to reclaim it. That attempted reclaiming also failed spectacularly, though mostly due to the insane amount of clutter that prevented any kind of functional fortress from being re-established.

Some time ago in a fortress, the name of which has been lost to the ages, things were going quite well for the dwarves who had settled there. For several years, the fortress was prosperous, attracting many other dwarves looking for a new life... Unfortunately, this was also the beginning of their downfall...

The following is extrapolation based upon what few documents or other forms of records that have been found:

About 2 years after the fortress was founded, one of the world's first vampires decided it would be an excellent new home. The vampire was soon discovered though, and entombed for all time, deep within the fortress. Unfortunately, the dwarves were ill-equipped to completely seal the vampire away...

Within a year of imprisoning the elder vampire, things started to go wrong. Seemingly small and insignificant things began to happen, each building upon the other. A few harvests rotted in the fields, even as they were being tended. Sometimes freshly slaughtered livestock rotted within hours. And then... Dwarves began starving. Not from lack of food, however... Details at this point begin to break down even further, but it would seem that in the 4th year food riots began to break out among the population. According to one dated ledger, there was more than enough unspoiled and edible food and drink for the dwarves. Yet still they rioted. A few would manage to find some scrap to eat, while others (even those who had just had a meal) were dying of starvation. Total anarchy soon set in among the 200 or so dwarves living there.

What happened after, has been pieced together from rumors, and may not be entirely accurate. A caravan from the mountainhome had come to trade, just like over the previous years. What they found on their last trip though, was a fortress in rapid decline. Dwarves, delirious from insatiable hunger, wandered around outside. Many were so far-gone that they could not even find the strength to eat food that was right in front of them. And all the adults seemed oblivious to the trader's arrival. The children however... They were another matter. When the children took notice, a feral gleam could be seen in their eyes. Some 30 to 40 of them, rushed the wagons, ganging up on the guards. Like a huge pack of wild dogs, they swarmed, dragging trained warriors down, beating them to death with whatever they could find as weapons. And then, they turned to the traders. Only one managed to escape, as the children then began tearing the wagons apart in search of food...

Rumor or not, after that season, no traders returned, striking the fortress from their planned routes. One adventurer ventured there a few years later, and miraculously returned alive. He reported that what appeared to be a specially sealed chamber, had been breached from within, the large steel doors blown outwards and off the hinges as if they were made of parchment. The heavy stone walls that had been built in front of the doors, shattered, seemingly before the doors had been breached, also being blown out and away from the chamber. Inside, the walls, floors, and even the ceiling, were covered with strange sigils and glyphs that did not match the surrounding area's designs. They were however, still clearly the work of a dwarf. There was one freshly-carved phrase that he could read however, "At last, they have paid in full for their arrogance." There was no sign of who carved it, nor were there any signs of the rest of those that had lived there, not even the bones of the dead...
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slink

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #33 on: May 01, 2012, 12:37:00 pm »

My fortress named Diamondclinch was more than 200 Dwarves strong when a Forgotten Beast somehow got into the central shaft that led down to the forges.  Diamondclinch was planned to be safe against external threat and was without a military presence.  I had no defense against this internal attack.  The Dwarven caravan had just been announced, so I made what I thought was a clever decision.  I ordered everyone past the depot, over the pit-bridges, through the trapfields, and out into the open.  I figured the caravan guards would handle the Forgotten Beast as it met them at the depot.  Most of my Dwarves made it out, however the Dwarven caravan seemed to have vanished.  I later found out that they had been ambushed at the edge of the map and promptly left.  I missed that fact in the deluge of announcements of jobs being cancelled due to the FB and the civilian alert.

So there everyone was, hanging out in the open while the FB loitered inside by the depot.  Finally I formed my seven miners into a squad and sent them after the FB.  They killed the FB with three or four of them dying.  I cancelled the civilian alert and Dwarves started pouring back into the fortress.  I thought everything was fine until I started getting a lot of notices about Dwarves dying of starvation.  I checked and about half of my population was still outdoors.  One of my miners had wrecked both bridges over the pits in a tantrum over his lost mining friends.  I hurridly ordered an emergency entrance to be mined out, but now I had massive unhappiness due to the additional deaths.  I had a nice dining room and plenty of delicious food and booze, so I thought things were looking up when the population seemed to be leveling off at about 100 after the tantrum spiral ended.  Coffins were being made, slowly, and burials were beginning to clear the corpse piles.

This is when another band of goblins attacked.  I had sealed the emergency entrance and gotten the bridges rebuilt.  I had not gotten them reconnected to levers, but I figured the trapfield would take care of this small band of goblins.  To my consternation, a goblin axelord tap-danced across all 21 rows of weapon traps.  I was watching at the time, and that was exactly what it looked like he did.  Once inside, he wreaked havoc and mayhem on the fragile stability.  By the time he got bored and left, there remained one adult male vampire locked in a room, one severely depressed adult female, and three unhappy children.  I have no idea why the goblin axelord left the latter four alive.

So there I was with a couple of hundred corpses, Dwarven and otherwise, and a one tantruming female to finish the coffin construction and burial detail.  She had gotten perhaps a dozen corpses buried when a Dwarven liaison arrived.  This is where the story gets funny.  The Dwarven liaison offered to make Diamondclinch a barony.  I pictured him standing there, making the usual speeches by rote, his eyes slowly widening as his surroundings sank into his awareness: Dwarven bodies stockpiled everywhere, dead livestock and rotting food scattered in the corridors, blood splattered on the walls, and one haggard female with three children screaming and crying.  When he gave his usual farewell, I imagined he was crossing his fingers behind his back when he said "our fortunes rise and fall together".
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Eric Blank

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #34 on: May 02, 2012, 01:07:20 am »

In a recently deleted fortress, a heavily modded save, I had a ranger who was also a battlemage. Not surprisingly, one of the special magical abilities she possessed was the ability to conjure fireballs and fling them at enemies. Also not surprising for a fortress in between a desert and a grassland was the presence of vultures and buzzards. Again, unsurprisingly, this ranger generally loved to fling fireballs at the birdies whenever I ordered her squad to help exterminate them.

The first time this occurred, and the first time I learned of her inborn talents, soon after her migration, she managed to start a fire in the topside meeting area in the Hall of Stoneworkers. The fire was tiny and controlled, except that I didn't know about it initially and didn't react fully until a total of three dwarves had burned to death, including a child. Luckily there weren't any tantrums associated.

I continued to send her out to deal with the birds, starting several more spot fires that didn't result in any fatalities. One was ridiculously close to my animal pastures in the grasslands, but luckily some plant or another was in the way and only one soldier lost some fat off her torso. Inevitably though, all hell broke loose. After a long hiatus from military duties besides training, I finally opted to issue her sqaud with kill orders again to help deal with some particularly nasty badger and bird intrusions. She of course took to the grasslands side of the map after some buzzards, where she began flinging fireballs everywhere, starting a total of four separate brush fires. This wouldn't be so bad if there weren't thirty other soldiers and five or so civilians out there with her. I didn't find out what sort of mess she'd gotten us into until someone had died, and by then the fire in the most dangerous location had spread out to maybe 25 tiles in diameter, and seven or so soldiers were caught in the middle of this ring of death! I ordered everyone inside, of course, figuring that most of them would be fine if they just ran through it without stopping, and sure enough most were, but around 5-7 dwarves still burned to death that day.

The funniest part? One of the other rangers was a mother, carrying her infant around to teach her how to punch birdies. The mother burned to death in the fire, leaving her baby to fend for herself in the blazing infernos. Amazingly, this infant crawled right through a wall of flames, ever so slowly, I really belived she was a goner, but no. She was then caught in the crux between this wall of flames (Slower to propogate because of interfering bushes and such!) and another one, which she travelled through as effortlessly as the last. The child crawled all they way back to the fort and into the dining room, where she died of thirst a few months later. If the fires don't get ya, the fact that you can't eat or drink and nobody will help you will...

That damn battlemage never did get punished. She was our finest animal trainer, in charge of the badger pens. Never let her outside again, though.
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Hanslanda

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #35 on: May 04, 2012, 08:59:32 pm »

I wanted to show a friend of mine what DF was like, he is an older fella (I'm twenty), and he kept making Commodore jokes when I was playing.  On the fortress of Spinelashes, which I was currently playing, I had gotten my first really effective military put together.  So to provide my friend with a sense of the detail and immersion of DF, I selected a militia member.  She had lost a hand in a previous attack, and he was quite impressed that the game kept track of individual limbs.  Then I opened her thoughts, and told him that the white was a description of her.  He started reading it, and flipped out. He likened her description to Might and Magic, the original.  I said no, in that you had stats, and you made up a personality for your character.  In this game, your characters have a personality, and YOU HAVE TO ACCOMODATE them.  Not to mention trying the take advantage of their premade stats for their occupations...

Dwarf Fortress has just the right blend of game elements for full immersion in ASCII.
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Well, we could put two and two together and write a book: "The Shit that Hans and Max Did: You Won't Believe This Shit."
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shadow_archmagi

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #36 on: May 05, 2012, 11:03:16 pm »

I had a nice little fort, and I was a little paranoid. It wasn't my first fort, and it was doing fairly well and I was hip to some of the community's tactics for avoiding disaster. So I had the only entrance to the fort be a single staircase than I deconstructed when not actively in use. We sold bins of mugs to everyone who came by, and all in all, life was pretty bearable inside the fort. The only snag was that I'd settled near a magma vent but hadn't found the time to clear out the fire imps.

So one day, a load of immigrants rolls up and I pick and choose the ones that I like because I've gotten a little bit jaded. It's just a game, after all. It makes perfect economic sense to consign the soapmakers to death. In fact, I figured I'd kill two imps with one soapmaker and have them all charge the monsters inhabiting the magma vent. So the woodworker goes into the fort and the soapmaker marches off to a fiery, explosive death. His camel goes too. The next day, the woodworker is sitting outside, having a break, leaning against the wagon, and she sees what happened. It turns out that one of the soapmakers was her husband. It turns out the camel was her beloved pet. It turns out that when a woman catches a whiff of the fetid stench of burning camel hair on the wind she gets a bit irate.

So she rips the wagon in half and starts punching the brewer, who was also enjoying a bit of fresh, camelful air. She breaks his arms, cracks his ribs, and punctures a lung before she calms down and walks away. The brewer is left lying on the ground, coughing up blood, and it begins to rain. So he's rolling around a pool of bloody mud, getting ready to die, when he's saved! One of the unemployed blacksmiths wanders over and drags him back to a spare bed and starts trying to nurse him back to health. They fall in love. She is not a very good doctor. He dies. She throws herself into the river.

Dwarf Fortress is one of those games where whenever I start to try to economize and find the most efficient route, it slaps my hand and reminds me that these are trying very hard to be real people
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invention is every dwarf's middle name
that means that somewhere out there theres a dwarf named Urist Invention Mcinvention.

DwarfMeister

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #37 on: May 06, 2012, 10:37:03 pm »

                                                                        The Fall Of The Guard

     Sparks flew from the steel pickaxe as Urist McMiner mined the granite stones. "If only...", he said to himself, "I didn't become a soberholic...". "You would've had a wife and kids to go back home to when you got out?", a familiar voice said to him. Spinning around, Urist was reminded of the chain that held him captive as the Captain of The Guard continued his disheartening speech. "If I had an ounce of Elf blood for every filthy animal that has said that!!! You sicken me!!!" continued the Captain of The Guard as he kicked dirt in Urist's face. Urist, painfully, got back up to his knees. "I beg you, Sir!!! Please!!! Give me another chance!!!", Urist begged. After a seemingly eternal silence, the Captain of The Guard spat and said, "The ONLY place that YOU are going is the gallows tomorrow after sunrise!!!". Urist wept as his daily meal of milk and a stale biscuit were thrown at him. "Eat up!!! You'll need your strength tomorrow!!!", the Captain of The Guard said mockingly, before he left.

     The sound of a screaming cat awoke Urist, early the next morning. He looked up, just in time to see the Captain of The Guard, standing above him, dripping the blood of a dead cat towards him. "Open wide!!!", the Captain of The Guard said, as he held Urist's mouth open. "Tastes good, doesn't it?", the Captain of The Guard asked him. Before Urist could answer, the cat's blood was inside his mouth, flowing down his throat. He choked as he formed the words, "N-No!!!". "Well...", the Captain of the Guard said, "I think you should be less worried about that cat and more worried about where you're going!!!". He left abruptly.

     It was finally time for the gallows. The Captain of The Guard and a squadron of highly trained soldiers entered the dark, musty cell and unchained Urist. They brought him before the town and made a mockery of him as he awaited his execution. "Any last words?", the Captain of The Guard asked him as he grasped the execution lever. "Yes. Next time, let me live long enough to meet your new friends.", Urist said coldly. "Ha!!!" The Captain of The Guard retorted, "Like I'd let you meet ANY of MY friends!!!", as he pulled the lever, snapping Urist's neck.

     The Captain of The Guard turned around just in time to see a large horde of elves coming towards the fortress. "Elves?", he thought. "Ha!!! That's nothing!!! I'll mop the floor with 'em!!!". He called attention to his troops, who lined up for the upcoming battle. After giving a pep talk, he sent them on their way, only to see them get slaughtered by the demon army that had made a pact with the elves. "If only I had shown the elves more mercy in my days of glory...", he thought to himself. "You wouldn't be worried about how you just killed the only guy that could save you?", a cold, yet soothing voice said to him. He spun around to face an Elven archer whose crossbow was pointed at his neck. "You have shown no mercy.", the Elf said to him, "Now, I shall return the favor.". A wooden bolt escaped the crossbow, puncturing the captain's neck. He fell with a thud and that was the end of him.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2012, 07:06:37 pm by DwarfMeister »
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buckets

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #38 on: May 10, 2012, 07:27:08 am »

I've always imagined that all sentients loathed my forts, only approaching it out of necesity.

No matter the fort, no matter the world, visitors would experience the same horrors.

The clucking, the squaking, the unending screeching!

The shell littered ground, crunching and poping horribly while dwarves move accross it. The air, thick with the scent of rotted eggs, would become a mist in the early mornings and late afternoon, leaving a sickly dull yellow stain on all it touched.

The dwarves, with armloads of eggs, would slowly trudge through the twisting sprawl of the fortress, near naked aside from egg biscut filled beards and egg roast stained chests. Cooks with stained hands would cower in the kitchens, surrounded by great piles of eggs, thier cheeks streaked with tears as they stewed egg after egg.  Brewers would be celebrated as heroes for their inablilty to make eggnog.

Traders would leave, carts bowing under the weight of a variety of egg based meals, full of stories about the fort that had eggs.

Eggs, by the Gods, eggs.

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Hanslanda

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #39 on: May 16, 2012, 11:16:25 pm »

So, the mighty fortress of Decentspear was living up to its name and being... Well... Decent. Nothing too fancy, just mining out iron and making serrated disks, mostly.  I have a small courtyard walled off for the trade depot, with a second set of pathchanger walls outside my gates, to lead invaders over traps liberally sprinkled outside my fort. One day, the elves came a calling. 
I am not much of an elf hater, the whole eating people thing is... Eclectic, but my dwarves enjoy tossing goblins down a fifteen story shaft to their unavoidable doom.  To each his own.  I bring up some of our weakest booze in the worst pots, and a couple iron discs to the depot.  I pick out a bunch of things, and let them make a nice 5K profit.  Lucky little forestdwellers this day. I hit 't'.

Once a beautiful tree, but now a rude bauble fit only for your kind.
*eye twitch*
Sigh. Now why did you go and make me angry?  I'm not a nice overlord, I'm just relatively polite. And I've been training my conscripts quite thoroughly in the art of making holes in living things so the noises stop. Now my plan is to wait for the next caravan, and dump all this elven wood stuff on them as an offering.  All in all, not what I wanted, but it satisfied my bloodlust for awhile, til the next ambush at least.

The trading system works great. When I'm paying attention. Four elves, three yaks and a water buffalo lost their lives due to my inattention.
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Well, we could put two and two together and write a book: "The Shit that Hans and Max Did: You Won't Believe This Shit."
He's fucking with us.

Jwph

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #40 on: May 18, 2012, 01:12:46 pm »

I started with 31.25 and I had watched a set of tutorial videos on youtube by 51ppycup so I had solid starting understanding and wouldn't just die right away.  When my first siege hit I had already built a drawbridge to lock up my fort and I had walls all around my pasture so I was completely safe.

It was around this time I started listening to the DF Talks and I got to #3 and felt kinda guilty listening to Toady talk about caves and it being bad from a design point of view if your first instinct is to wall yourself off from the fun stuff, plus the whole general "losing is fun" mentality sank in around then.  All throughout my childhood this had always been a big anxiety thing for me with video games where losing a life or getting a game over was a bigger deal than it should have, so at that point I decided "Forget this, I'm going to go out fighting even if I die."

I drafted my military and armed them up with what little I had, (I think it was mostly wooden weapons) I dropped the bridge and then charged them up to the surface.  It was about this time I looked in the upper right corner of the screen and noticed the *SIEGE* message had disappeared and there was nobody to fight anymore.
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chaosgear

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #41 on: May 18, 2012, 05:50:58 pm »

In a recently deleted fortress, a heavily modded save, I had a ranger who was also a battlemage. Not surprisingly, one of the special magical abilities she possessed was the ability to conjure fireballs and fling them at enemies. Also not surprising for a fortress in between a desert and a grassland was the presence of vultures and buzzards. Again, unsurprisingly, this ranger generally loved to fling fireballs at the birdies whenever I ordered her squad to help exterminate them.

The first time this occurred, and the first time I learned of her inborn talents, soon after her migration, she managed to start a fire in the topside meeting area in the Hall of Stoneworkers. The fire was tiny and controlled, except that I didn't know about it initially and didn't react fully until a total of three dwarves had burned to death, including a child. Luckily there weren't any tantrums associated.

I continued to send her out to deal with the birds, starting several more spot fires that didn't result in any fatalities. One was ridiculously close to my animal pastures in the grasslands, but luckily some plant or another was in the way and only one soldier lost some fat off her torso. Inevitably though, all hell broke loose. After a long hiatus from military duties besides training, I finally opted to issue her sqaud with kill orders again to help deal with some particularly nasty badger and bird intrusions. She of course took to the grasslands side of the map after some buzzards, where she began flinging fireballs everywhere, starting a total of four separate brush fires. This wouldn't be so bad if there weren't thirty other soldiers and five or so civilians out there with her. I didn't find out what sort of mess she'd gotten us into until someone had died, and by then the fire in the most dangerous location had spread out to maybe 25 tiles in diameter, and seven or so soldiers were caught in the middle of this ring of death! I ordered everyone inside, of course, figuring that most of them would be fine if they just ran through it without stopping, and sure enough most were, but around 5-7 dwarves still burned to death that day.

The funniest part? One of the other rangers was a mother, carrying her infant around to teach her how to punch birdies. The mother burned to death in the fire, leaving her baby to fend for herself in the blazing infernos. Amazingly, this infant crawled right through a wall of flames, ever so slowly, I really belived she was a goner, but no. She was then caught in the crux between this wall of flames (Slower to propogate because of interfering bushes and such!) and another one, which she travelled through as effortlessly as the last. The child crawled all they way back to the fort and into the dining room, where she died of thirst a few months later. If the fires don't get ya, the fact that you can't eat or drink and nobody will help you will...

That damn battlemage never did get punished. She was our finest animal trainer, in charge of the badger pens. Never let her outside again, though.
What mod are you using that does that? I'm interested.
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I always seem to end up with a magnificent burial complex and nowhere near enough bodies to fill it, or far too many bodies and nowhere to put any of them.

Finn

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #42 on: May 19, 2012, 01:51:14 am »

It turns out that when a woman catches a whiff of the fetid stench of burning camel hair on the wind she gets a bit irate.

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I thought 'complained about the draft lately' meant they didn't have a door to their room.

Raptor_a22

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2012, 07:49:20 am »

I may have found the most badass parrot in all of extistence!

I'm playing as per normal. I've just managed to get a self sufficient fortress and am currently making steel bolts for my squad of 10 marksdwarves, when I get a whole bunch of 'Urist McWorker cancels Job: Interrupted by Kea!' messages. This parrot managed to fly past all my defences, through the meeting hall and into my food stockpile without attracting attention! So I pause, find the damn parrot and decide that he's disrupting my fortress too much. I send my squad of 8 marksdwarves (equipped with my freshly made steel bolts) to kill it and remove the nuisance.

Check back a little later after seeing crossbow bolts flying everywhere AND THE PARROT IS STILL ALIVE! I examine it and find out:
- She has olive feathers
- She has peach coloured skin
- She has black eyes
- She is apparently gigantic with incredible muscles

Woah, watch out guys, we're dealing with a serious badass over here!

I decide to let my marksdwarves chase after it a little more, as they're firing up into the roof and the bolts are harmessly clattering to the floor instead of breaking on the walls.


A while later and an announcement comes up on my screen:
"A Kea has stolen *Dwarven Flour Biscuits [10]*!"
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Raptor's CivMod, Mithril and Dark Elves and Alchemy, oh my!
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Eric Blank

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #44 on: May 30, 2012, 06:52:19 pm »

In a recently deleted fortress, a heavily modded save, I had a ranger who was also a battlemage. Not surprisingly, one of the special magical abilities she possessed was the ability to conjure fireballs and fling them at enemies. Also not surprising for a fortress in between a desert and a grassland was the presence of vultures and buzzards. Again, unsurprisingly, this ranger generally loved to fling fireballs at the birdies whenever I ordered her squad to help exterminate them.

The first time this occurred, and the first time I learned of her inborn talents, soon after her migration, she managed to start a fire in the topside meeting area in the Hall of Stoneworkers. The fire was tiny and controlled, except that I didn't know about it initially and didn't react fully until a total of three dwarves had burned to death, including a child. Luckily there weren't any tantrums associated.

I continued to send her out to deal with the birds, starting several more spot fires that didn't result in any fatalities. One was ridiculously close to my animal pastures in the grasslands, but luckily some plant or another was in the way and only one soldier lost some fat off her torso. Inevitably though, all hell broke loose. After a long hiatus from military duties besides training, I finally opted to issue her sqaud with kill orders again to help deal with some particularly nasty badger and bird intrusions. She of course took to the grasslands side of the map after some buzzards, where she began flinging fireballs everywhere, starting a total of four separate brush fires. This wouldn't be so bad if there weren't thirty other soldiers and five or so civilians out there with her. I didn't find out what sort of mess she'd gotten us into until someone had died, and by then the fire in the most dangerous location had spread out to maybe 25 tiles in diameter, and seven or so soldiers were caught in the middle of this ring of death! I ordered everyone inside, of course, figuring that most of them would be fine if they just ran through it without stopping, and sure enough most were, but around 5-7 dwarves still burned to death that day.

The funniest part? One of the other rangers was a mother, carrying her infant around to teach her how to punch birdies. The mother burned to death in the fire, leaving her baby to fend for herself in the blazing infernos. Amazingly, this infant crawled right through a wall of flames, ever so slowly, I really belived she was a goner, but no. She was then caught in the crux between this wall of flames (Slower to propogate because of interfering bushes and such!) and another one, which she travelled through as effortlessly as the last. The child crawled all they way back to the fort and into the dining room, where she died of thirst a few months later. If the fires don't get ya, the fact that you can't eat or drink and nobody will help you will...

That damn battlemage never did get punished. She was our finest animal trainer, in charge of the badger pens. Never let her outside again, though.
What mod are you using that does that? I'm interested.

It's a mod I made for myself. I have an uploaded version here. Still very much in developement, but functional enough. No thread for it yet.
Logged
"THEN CAME TOBNOM, ASS-GOD".
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
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