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Author Topic: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)  (Read 66209 times)

chaosgear

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #60 on: August 10, 2012, 11:27:47 pm »

I've been reading this thread since it started, and I finally have a story I find worth posting.

T'was a dark, stormy night. One lone adventurer, whose name was lost to anonymity, was wandering lost through a twisted, haunted swamp. He had encountered many terrors that night, such as undead crocodiles, zombie bandits, and Armok knows what else. But all of these previous foes were easily avoided or slain with little difficulty.

That is, until he heard a eerie cackling coming from all around him.

From every direction they came, faster than one can blink and out for his blood. The first came at him from behind, but his reflexes saved him as he whirled around, his blade outstretched. His shining sword sliced clean through the beasts arm, its hand sailing off in an arc. The creature screamed as it watched its severed hand land in a puddle, giving our hero a clean chop at its neck. Down it goes, head rolling through the muck.

Two more approach him from both sides. He quickly flings a fireball at one, igniting it and throwing it into a panic, and parries the blow of the other. He kicks the flaming one to the ground, then bashes the other one with his shield. With the beast stunned, he runs it through with his weapon, ending its life, then turns to the other. It gets off the ground, covered in burns and mud, and wails at him in a manner that would paralyze lesser men with fear. But not our hero. He shouts right back at the creature and charges, blade at the ready, and sweeps the things legs out from under it. It lands on the ground with a thud, and he drives his sword through the attackers head, slaying it easily.

As the cackling fades, he wipes the muck and water from he brow. "That was far too easy," he taunts. Then he hears a faint hum from behind and notices a faint purple glow. Before he can turn around, a zap hits him in the lower back, and numbness fills his entire body. His arms and legs go limp, and he falls onto his back. Unable to turn his head, he lays there, listening to a soft scuffling sound grow louder. "What coward dares to attack me with a paralysis spell from behind!?" The sound grows louder and closer. "Once this wears off, I'll see to it that you're turned into a bloody pulp!" He feels pressure on his chest. He manages to look down to see the severed hand of the first boogeyman crawling up his torso. "What kind of dark magic is this? And why a severed hand? What's the worst one hand can possibly do to me, even while I'm helpless? I'm-" Before he can finish, the hand pounces onto his face and grabs on tightly. He tries to breath in, but the hand has his nose and mouth held shut! He attempts a muffled scream and tries to flail his arms, but to no avail. His vision blurs, and eventually goes to black.

Such was the tale of Urist McAdventurepants.

I may have embellished a little too much, but that's the gist of it. That was the tale of how one of my most successful adventurers met one of the worst ends. It was in a pretty modded game.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2012, 11:30:25 pm by chaosgear »
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Cthulufaic

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #61 on: September 06, 2012, 08:38:36 pm »

  My adventurer started as a simple swordsman, slaughtering wildlife and creatures of the night with his mighty bronze short sword.
He got a quest from a lord, telling him to go kill a certain goblin at a camp.  I gleefully went onwards to the camp with my faithful companions, when at the camp we got a little surprise.  The goblin we had to kill was slow.  SO VERY SLOW.  We were running circles around it while wondering why it was so slow, and I came to the conclusion that he just had lots of bone crowns and rings and it finally weighed him down.
After we(I) slayed him, I found out that he was carrying not one, but TWO slabs engraved with magical powers!   Either the gob was a mage, or he couldn't read.   Both slabs gave me the same powers: control over salt.... what... the.... fuck?   I didn't even know there were powers besides necromancy, but as I found out the power of salt turns out to be a very powerful power indeed.  I could shoot crystaline salt web at foes to stop them dead in their tracks, I could hurl globs of salt at enemies, and I could breathe a great cloud of molten salt gas(which always hit me as well).    This proved out to be a sad power though, as my own molten gas cloud melted me while fighting some bandits.

(Tldr: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FRIENDLY FIRE SALT)
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Mel_Vixen

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #62 on: September 23, 2012, 03:43:51 pm »

In a recent fort i settled in a terrifying Forest where kept raining fetid sludge. Said sludge had the effect that any exposed skin began to blister and i can only imagine that my dwarfs were not just mentally scarred from it. Still the Fort lived on and i thought this would be only a minor annoyance. Ho Boy was i wrong! After reaching 110 in Population (80 Grown ups 30 Children) i got my first real siege and i quickly deployed my Speardwarfs and and the Marksdwarf squad. The 10 of them took out 5 Snatchers and 2 Squads of heavy armed Goblin Ambushers (Hammers, Mauls, Longswords and 5 Marksgoblins) but my proud defenders got quite a beating.

At this time my overground Baracks where ready and Furnished so i decided to just mark that zone as Hospital too for the sake of the wounded. Turns out the blisters were so powerful that suddenly 80 Dwarfs including the Chief Medical dwarf plus his Assistant rushed in there to settle down between the sparse beds to take nice long "Rest from injury". Only child-labour was still working but those Children were up to no good. Not a single one butchered the Rams for Armok (and the dinnerplate) and neither was booze Brewed. So after 5 years of stout Holding out in this Wasteland my fort Grumbled to death because i was out of food.
 
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b_knight286

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Lee72

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #64 on: October 15, 2012, 03:59:17 am »

A Dwarven Tale

Once upon a time on a rather mild day in the recently established fortress known as Fikodedan, a small sturdy creature fond of booze and going by the name of Feb Odurinod sat upon an alder log and meticulously filed his copper pick ready for a good hard days mining. 

The labour that day consisted of channelling along the side of a beautiful deep brook that dropped off into a glorious waterfall which would in time fulfil the long term plans of a great hall below, where the dwarves would sit and eat and drink and make merry all the while looking upon the majestic water as it cascaded in front of them.

After an hour or so of mining an unfortunate accident occurred. The side wall of the channel collapsed and dragged Feb along with the rubble to the bottom of the waterfall where he lay with broken bones in agonising pain bleeding. Iton Rakustzal the miners buck rabbit who had been loyally bouncing close by, also fell but without luck and was taken by death that very day.
Refusing to be trapped in this predicament the Miner slowly made the  journey to the hospital that lay within the depths of the fortress.

There he lay in that hospital for over 1 year, slowly being mended and tended with soap and soft cloth made from llama wool and given cool refreshing water from the reservoirs below.

He made a full recovery in the month of Moonstone and was back to work quicker than a frog in a box!

With the Great Hall plans being put on hold for a year while Feb recovered in hospital he was once again put to work on the waterfall, yet with more precaution this time round! But luck was not on his side this day, and once again he fell from atop and once again he lay broken on the brook below, but this time he drowned and his body sat 7 depths below the surface of the water.
So it was the other dwarves couldn’t recover his corpse and Feb Odurinod the miner began to haunt the fortress and his ghost did befall a dark shroud upon the other dwarves which eventually drove a few of them insane which spiralled into a mass murder by which they did club each other with empty crossbows and destroy the cages that held tight 20 or so goblins and the fortress known as Fikodedan fell into ruin and was no more. 

« Last Edit: October 17, 2012, 12:46:33 pm by Lee72 »
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katana

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #65 on: October 25, 2012, 08:03:30 pm »

(Tldr: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FRIENDLY FIRE SALT)

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AND IF THIS FAILS MY IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER WHO WILL APPEAR IN THE MIGRANT WAVE THAT ARRIVES AFTER MY DEMISE WILL REPLACE ME.
(Tldr: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FRIENDLY FIRE SALT)

4533josh

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #66 on: October 26, 2012, 07:11:55 pm »

There's one story which has stuck with me.
This was almost a year ago, so I'm lacking in detail.
My captain of the guard, a migrant I'd named Urist McDoodle, was dicking about in the gold plated room I'd put him in. He had NEVER seen combat, even my most lowly recruit had a kill or two under his/her belt, but McDoodle had gotten to his position through a booze explosion killing everyone else.
Suddenly, a dragon appears. No biggie, I think, and send out the militia. Our hero does the normal and examines statues.
A few seconds later, the militia are all dead. Apparently armour does nothing. So out goes Urist in the only Adamantium breastplate and shield, with the weapon that would go into the ages... A cat leather shoe.
He beat the dragon to death slowly, over about an in game week. At the end, he was immensely muscular and had no head fat left. The shoe, tattered to the point of being basically a strip of leather, earns the name Sharkshields. He goes on to defeat entire invasions single handedly, and the shoe is wielded by the baron as a badge of honour after I give Urist an Adamantium battleaxe, but not before it amassed a kill count close to 100.

Tldr: shoes are the deadliest force in the game in the hands of a drunk, undeserving mad-dorf.
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katana

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #67 on: October 26, 2012, 07:45:58 pm »

There's one story which has stuck with me.
This was almost a year ago, so I'm lacking in detail.
My captain of the guard, a migrant I'd named Urist McDoodle, was dicking about in the gold plated room I'd put him in. He had NEVER seen combat, even my most lowly recruit had a kill or two under his/her belt, but McDoodle had gotten to his position through a booze explosion killing everyone else.
Suddenly, a dragon appears. No biggie, I think, and send out the militia. Our hero does the normal and examines statues.
A few seconds later, the militia are all dead. Apparently armour does nothing. So out goes Urist in the only Adamantium breastplate and shield, with the weapon that would go into the ages... A cat leather shoe.
He beat the dragon to death slowly, over about an in game week. At the end, he was immensely muscular and had no head fat left. The shoe, tattered to the point of being basically a strip of leather, earns the name Sharkshields. He goes on to defeat entire invasions single handedly, and the shoe is wielded by the baron as a badge of honour after I give Urist an Adamantium battleaxe, but not before it amassed a kill count close to 100.

Tldr: shoes are the deadliest force in the game in the hands of a drunk, undeserving mad-dorf.
Backpacks are still more legendary. How recent is this? I'm interested in how you managed to get him to equip that shoe.
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AND IF THIS FAILS MY IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER WHO WILL APPEAR IN THE MIGRANT WAVE THAT ARRIVES AFTER MY DEMISE WILL REPLACE ME.
(Tldr: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FRIENDLY FIRE SALT)

4533josh

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #68 on: October 26, 2012, 07:57:45 pm »


Backpacks are still more legendary. How recent is this? I'm interested in how you managed to get him to equip that shoe.


I honestly couldn't tell you. I'm pretty sure he either grabbed the closest thing to hand or just took off the shoe and equipped it. He definitely wasn't wearing it after the dragon. I think it was 0.31.04, as that matches the approximate time, and I know it was right after 40d, but it could be a few versions either way. I have the save somewhere on my hard drive amongst my many backups, I'll see if I can get it. I'll have to try and test to get the right version though, so give me a few days.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2012, 08:07:39 pm by 4533josh »
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wer6

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #69 on: October 27, 2012, 09:19:32 am »

an elven advuntureri just started on masterwork i aimed for getting  to my old fortress what i didnt realize during my fortress's demise i accidently collapsded  the living quarters on ht eelven caravan as i got there  i had 12 followers they are fully trained in dealing with necro towers. ( i killed of 2 o them and got a book incase i want to go bat shit rogue)i went into the fortress the death of my fortress was dragons " tons of em" drof skeletons everywhere as i walk in i see: 10  dwarven archers i used steel arrows to kill them off: as my armor  blocked it all only my lower body was relativly unprotected with  leather pants strangly enough everything glanced except when the arrows hit my knee ( not shitty arrow in knee joke) those moon arrows didnt doo much besides cause a little motor damage. as i fought threw: there was a  dwarf: my old overseer waiting: he apparently was making some kind of last stand i strangeled the fucker: no dwarf will get in the way of a elf that wants admo clad. as i was litterly 5 feet away from the armory my knee exploded. apparently a  moon arrow struck it: a  moon arrow made of mithril i immedatly fell and went unconsisous due to pain when i woke up i see my knee attacking me and my assaliant was a necromancer i shot one arrow at it and it  caused his skull  to  fly off in a rc: he was still alive i was a bit scared now as a shattered knee and a guy with out a skull is a bit Lovecraft to me. another arrow killed him i decieded too pull out one arrow i pulled out the moon arrow and another one came and killed me " a wooden moon arrow cause me to some how caused my other knee to explode propelling me  and i went right into a "noble room" i built. at this point i knew i was doomed because in order to escape i need to step on the pressure plate which was hooked up to the adamantine spears i stayed there because i have enough food to ast about 12 months and the blood from where the  nobles whee whould last a long time too. then: a fucking kobold jumped on the pressure plate causing  both of us to get speared: the damned kobold got it to the heart while i got it to the groin. the spear also had forgotten beast blood which causes complete necrosis.i slwoly died with my lower body decomposed i decided to escape and on the pressure plate again. it only managed to pierce a foot. i slowly crawled out with my legs just as bad as it was. i managed to get out of the  fort and   i thanked my self because of no bogie men and only one kind of night troll but: losts of vampires and were ebasts: it was full moon and i woke up to my leg being bitten off by a were dragon i managed to get werebeastdem "(YYYYUUUSSS!) i crawed away bearly though and i decided to use the power at a last minute when i really need it. i barely crawled back to town and retired there as some kind of weird pheaseant that whould beg for money for a doctor as i  completely forgotten the were beast par.

 later i played dwarf fortress for a little bit and found out she got a sliver arrow to the knee which made her loose the last of her blood

i bet  the RND god wanted me to ever regret getting leather pants, with poorly made arrow in the knee jokes: by the dozens of them.
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4533josh

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #70 on: October 27, 2012, 05:38:50 pm »

I found the save file and managed to smooth out the story. This was quite a while ago, so i got some details mixed up, and the save I found was (I think) right after the dragon attack. The shoe was in fact named "the Fortune of Angels" (Osram Sedil) and the fortress called Sharkarmors. The wielder was not in fact my militia commander, McDoodle, as he was in a different fortress. (However, take a look at my current militia commander, As Glorylashed the Walled Renown of bones. (As Anilmeng Adilelbel Osod)
The version required is 31.25 legacy, and here is the save file in question https://dl.dropbox.com/u/48449227/region2.zip
Enjoy, it's currently in the middle of a siege ;).
« Last Edit: October 27, 2012, 06:08:05 pm by 4533josh »
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Aseaheru

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #71 on: October 30, 2012, 09:28:11 am »

this is verry short as it is almost nothing:

i genned a world, and was looking at the gods as usual, when i noticed two dwarven gods. the first, Slash, was god of murder and the second, a female whos name i forget, was goddess of something similar.
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Kav

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #72 on: October 31, 2012, 03:52:45 pm »

This is one of my friend's stories. I think it's his best one.

There once was a problem noble in an established fortress. The tradition in that fortress was to unleash a cage full of captured goblins in their room while they were sleeping as guards waited outside the door.

But this noble was not going to go quietly.

The fighting started at the onset of winter when the 3 goblins attacked him in his bedroom. The 4 of them tumbled all over the bedroom and blood was tracking all over the floor. Days went by. One of the goblins was left unconscious in the bedroom and the fight spilled over into his office. More days passed. The two goblins are now tag teaming him from the point of exhaustion and blood is covering everything in the room. Eventually he kills one of them in the dining room. Weeks have gone by and the brutal bear handed fighting continues. The remaining two have hardly a bone left that isn't broken. Most of the Noble's fingers are broken. Everything he owns is stained with goblin blood and the walls are painted with it.

Finally, after the guards had listened to an entire season of nonstop brutal fighting the Noble's room went quiet. All of the goblins were dead. He had killed them with his bear hands slowly over the course of an entire season. He was exhausted, hungry, thirsty, and had more broken bones to even count. With nothing else to be done the guards unlocked the door and let him out.

The blood soaked Noble proceeded to the mead hall.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2012, 03:55:16 pm by Kav »
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wer6

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #73 on: October 31, 2012, 03:55:06 pm »

that sounds awesome
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Aseaheru

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Re: Share Your Funny Stories With Me! (Help DF Talk)
« Reply #74 on: October 31, 2012, 03:55:39 pm »

that... is one awesome noble...
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