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[Daveorock]

So one of my vampires just went melancholy because of not having socks for all eternity (and in fear of my bookkeeper doing the same, I decked out his room with masterwork gold furniture and a candy door, he went from unhappy to ecstatic within minutes).

Anyway, I was wondering what I should do with her, she can't drown herself, starve or dehydrate herself, I have no open magma, no deep stairwells, and no cliffs. So I have a totally useless un-dying vampire sitting in a containment room... What should I do to her? End her misery or what?

[WolfeyS]

Get her to flip two levers over and over again for the rest of eternity, then make those levers do something fun.

Added points if you put water between the two levers so she can become the best swimmer in existence, then use her for water related shit.

[Daveorock]

Well, she's melancholy (insane, and it's permanent), so she won't do anything for me, that's why I don't know what I should do with her.

[WolfeyS]

Use pressure plates instead of levers, I'm not sure if they still gain XP when insane so training swimming might not work, but you could still use her to flip pressure plates.  Other than that I would just launch her with a bridge catapult or something.

[CaveLobsterShell]

WolfeyS, she's melancholy, so she won't do ANYTHING. She won't even obey burrow orders, I believe.

I was actually thinking about this (never-dying completely useless wandering dwarf) as a potential annoyance, when one of my vampires went melancholy. Luckily, they were trapped with some other naked vampires who went berserk, and I was able to dispose of the last berserk vampire through traditional means.

Daveorock, I'm firmly of the 'end her' opinion. She's even more useless than nobles and children! I say pour magma into her room, engineer a path up from her room to the surface during a goblin siege, or knock her out into a cage trap. If you cage her, you could probably use her as bait in some fiendish device (GCS silk generator? might be tough with uncontrollable bait). You could also just atom-smash the cage, if you want to be rid of her entirely.

[Will_Tuna]

this dwarf isn't useless, you just haven't found a use for it!, and because it isn't going away soon, just wait till you do.(even if it is just  a goblin decoy). no need to magma this one,time for !!siences!!

[Broseph Stalin]

Why bother getting rid of her? I'd turn her into a mascot.

[WolfeyS]

so she won't do ANYTHING. She won't even obey burrow orders, I believe.

You could still technically lock her in a room with pressure plates (unless she doesn't even move), although I'm not sure what purpose that would serve other than a danger room trigger or something.  It would be hard enough to get her into that room though, it might just be easier to leave her locked away forever until you find a use.

[KodKod]

How old is she?

'Cause I'm imagining this pale, thin gothic girl with black nails and lipstick wandering around the corridors of your fortress moaning "Life is pain. Life is only pain. We're all taught to believe in happy fairy-tale endings, but there is only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that eats at your soul."

She probably writes terrible poetry.

[Daveorock]

She's older than 176 (not sure exact age, but her deity received her worship in year 50, it's 226 now), but the vampire in her is only 137 (also, interestingly, the same deity is the one who cursed my civ's vampire leader too). If I'm right in my assumption that a vampire's claimed age is the one they were when they were cursed, she's 202, if I'm wrong, she's probably the age of the world.

And you're right, she has little linguistic ability (along with about every other negative non-physical trait in existence).

[Mitchewawa]

Well, it isn't hurting anyone...

It might make good bait should goblins overrun your base, at least for a small while.

[Urist Da Vinci]

Obviously you need a replacement vampire. Contaminate a well somewhere with her blood. Use retracting spikes if necessary to obtain the blood.

[WolfeyS]

Wonder what would happen if you turned every single one of your dwarves into vampires...  That could be fun.

[KodKod]

It would be great fun... until everything grinds to a standstill as a result of sobriety.

[ThatAussieGuy]

Get her to flip two levers over and over again for the rest of eternity, then make those levers do something fun.

Added points if you put water between the two levers so she can become the best swimmer in existence, then use her for water related shit.

Now HERE'S a thought;  Can we implement vampires as a new generation of Dwarf AI's?