You remember me saying that I will spare your writing? Screw that? Also, let's just say it's only partly IC. As in, whenever I feel like, Vich will talk about it as if he was actually the one to talk to you about your back story. And some sections of this only make sense if he's the one saying this.
"So right now you're probably wondering 'Wow, Flint! And how could a man as good, as smart and as handsome as you come into being in a hole full of idiots like that?' Well, you see, not all of them were religious fanatics willing to give their life for their prophet. Some of them (the megacorps and the ones closer to the Robopope) were in it for the power or the money or whatever crazyness drived the people in power there. Some of them went there because it was their only way out of the overpopulated hellhole Home of Faith had become. And some of them, like my grandparents, were there to escape from their troubles and start over. You see, my grandfather, Ben Westwood, was an engineer and a darn good one. While most people boarding the transports were either volunteers or people who had no other choice except stay back and beg for food, Ben and his wife Elizabeth were paid proffessionals.
Ok, I'm sorry for not entirely being with you on this since the beginning, but I am a little confused. In other words, I have read your previous entry once, I am not completely sure what's happening. In order words, either your pacing is off, or the pauses between your content are too huge. I don't care if it's fine if we read it back to back, or if IC it happens only a day apart. You have to fix this. Regarding your pacing, I can point to one thing in particular that you made, and it is about references.
In the above paragraph of your narration, you have over and over again used the word "them," or otherwise referenced something you talked about before. You did all that without explaining or reminding us what it is you are referencing. Case in point: the
planet to which "they" (Who?) escaped. I have read the paragraph above, I have read the text below, and you have never once explained what planet exactly you are talking about. I'm sure you explained it before. But that was a long time ago, and I only read it once. And even a tough reader that I am, you can't expect me to read that text wall again, especially if you don't even provide a link to it! How am I supposed to find it to refresh my brains?! Sift through dozens of pages?!
You know what the correct way to fix this problem is? When you introduce a new element, or have pauses between your content, you (choice a) have to somehow remind us of what you were talking about the last time. If you met a man named Smith was selling you drugs, then the next time you meet Smith in a bar, you can say "Oh, that's the guy who was selling me drugs." Or: "Remember me, you were a drug dealer back then." #badexample. Or you can (choice b) give us a little space to play around with him to remember him, the way companions in an RPG are given a mission for you to familiarize yourself with them so you don't forget about their existence. Sure, a lot of really good authors don't do either, but they are either challenging your mind, (detective stories) minor characters (The Witcher Saga anyone?), or challenging your mind by treating you like a genius (TV Tropes: viewers are geniuses).
And why did a man like Ben went from one hellhole to a worst one? Because Lizzy was under investigation from the inquisitors for conducting illigal genetic modification experiments and Ben was seeking a way out. The new goverment needed people that would maintain the ships and help build the infrastracture of the planet and they paid good money for it. So, in order to save his family, my grandfather agreed to work for them. Of course inflation made the money worthless within the first few months of work but Ben wasn't in it for that. He was given a large part of desert where he was to construct desert farms to feed the populace. And food and energy was more precious than any other resource in the early days.
So was she conducting genetic modifications? Why the heck did the inquisitors let her go? Did they have bad accounting? Why wasn't the case continued later on? Aren't we in an era when you can wirelessly transport the data? Do you really think UWM could have kept sure a close tab on genetic modifications if every hooligan could escape to another slightly smaller planet and continue thereon?
Aaaaahhhhh?!?!?! Inflation?! Oh course?! Talk about a story element without a setup! So where did the inflation come from? Did they manage to move their family or was it just grandfather (Yeah, I know the answer, but you have to derive it from later. You don't say it explicitly #bad). So wait, who's Lizzy? Were they rich or poor? Did they have money? Did the inflation go away? And why was he given a large part of a desert? Wasn't he an engineer, not a magnate to have patches of land? Did he have people under his command? Also, food and energy being the main concerns? Pleeeease. If there's one thing people do not lack today, it is that. For example, no problem in having both in an unfit for life planet (mission 8]. And compared to that one, your world was much, much easier to live in.
And so the days went by, and soon my father, Adam, was born. He never really talked about grandfather much. Hell, the damned idiot never really talked about anything. From what I gathered, he and his father never really got along. My grandparents died like anyone else of the first settlers. Grandmother from cancer, grandfather from an accident while working in the farms. And then my father got married to Anna, my mother. He had three sons, Auer, Steel and me, Flint.
Hey, you know what's our biggest concern in a world with wetware computers, and automated technology with overpowered capabilities? An accident on a farm. What could that accident possibly be? A robohorse falling over? Are we in what nineteenth century? You've said it yourself, your grandfather was in charge of a large portion of a desert. So either he had huge completely automated, computerized, gigantic machines to do the job, or he had a large staff and almost completely automated, computerized, slightly less gigantic machines. Where's the space for an accident? Mind you, it is probably possible, but hardly mundane, and probably not an actual job hazard. I can buy cancer.
My mother died soon after my birth. I never really got to know her, I just have fragments of memory, no, less than that, a memory of a memory of her. From what my brothers told me, she was an angel, beautiful, sweet and kind. That's why I always wondered how she could possibly stand living with a dick like my father. Don't look at me like that. The guy WAS a dick, to everyone but especially to me. I don't know if he was like that before my mother died, but all of my memories of him are with a drink in hand, beating me up and telling me how much of a useless stupid brat I am.
Your brothers lied. Also, it seems the child protection services have not advanced much, ahem.
Achievement: Tropes Collector.
You know, this is not a particularly interesting section, but as with the actual books I read, I muddle through it in anticipation of where you take more active role.
I wasn't good with machines, I wasn't good with plants. All I wanted was to go to school so that I could leave this nightmare and go live in the city. But he always said that school was a waste of time. The happiest days of my life were the Sundays, when we would go to the Blessed Springs village for our compulsory mass attendance in the church there, where we learnt of how 'Jeebus killed the altered, demons born out of man's sin and arrogance' and other such crap. I enjoyed seeing the people coming and going, imagining all the interesting stories that led them here, seeing all those new gadgets the traders brought, begging for sweets near in the bakery... But the most interesting things were the things the other children told me, the things that they had learned at school.
It's Jesus, not "Jebus", also known as "Yeshu", "Yeshua", "Yehoshua", and consequently "Joshua" and "Josh". Also, he lived more than three thousand years before altered. Not much on history, was it, your religion. I hope that today you realize the real facts about the Altered War.
So okay, you wanted to go to school, but your father didn't let you, and because of it you idealized school.
Sure the the answer to all questions starting with 'Who invented/discovered...' always had 'Jeebus Christ' as the answer, but they also learnt a learnt a lot of useful, fun and interesting things like what pi is or how capacitors work. It still depresses me to think about those days. I remember praying to Jeebus so that he would come save me. Heh. I guess all children need an imaginary friend. But before long, I realised that nobody would help me. If I wanted things to change, if I wanted to make the world a better place, I had to make the change myself, because nobody else cared."
But wait! You actually did go to school because now you're talking about how it happened. Continuity error, her her her. So yeah, that part wasn't too bad, but hey, if I can pick on, I do it. Also, I will take the first sentence of the above quote as a comedic exaggeration and let it be. You know, I wish you actually invented the religion and the world so I could pick on it more. It would more interesting too.
Here's one thing I want to ask you. How many children, when faced with a problem, say "But before long, I realised that nobody would help me. If I wanted things to change, if I wanted to make the world a better place, I had to make the change myself, because nobody else cared." Just saying, but it seems to me to be not what a child would actually say. How many books have that type of line? Not by a nineteen-twenty something, but by a child. I can't say I'm an expert in child psychology myself, so I'll let you dwell on that for a while.
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Topic: Einsteinian Roulette (Original Thread: Rules, Armory, Misson archive 1-11) (Read 3831125 times)