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Author Topic: The Elf, A theory  (Read 21614 times)

BFEL

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The Elf, A theory
« on: September 20, 2012, 11:16:32 am »

As the thread title suggests, I have a theory to suggest to you, my fellow bay12ers. A theory that may change the way you see the elf forever. You see, we have been operating under the assumption that elves are "hippies" that, in essence, they are simply whiny pricks who like flowers too much.

I have a different conclusion in mind.

I submit to you, fellow members of Bay12, that the elf is NOT in fact a hippy, as it is NOT in fact, an intelligent, free willed being. You see there are many inconsistencies that exist in the creature we know as the elf. For example, it has been noted, that despite an  unwillingness to see trees come to harm at the hands of dwarves, or even trade in those that were felled by said dwarves, the elves bring wood to trade, and create many things such as weapons and armor, out of wood. Many consider this to be hypocritical. My revelation has shown that is, in fact, FAR more sinister then that.

You see, I have come to the conclusion that unlike the creatures of flesh and bone known as humans and dwarves, elves are in fact, a constructed race. Constructed by none other then the living forests of the world. While the elven appearance is one made of flesh and blood, they are in fact a clever illusion, a disguise of the trees used to lure good Men and Dwarves into a false sense of security and superiority. The truth of the elf, is that it is closer to a husk or zombie, controlled by a single organic parasite lodged deep in its brain. "But BFEL, if elves are constructs, what are they constructed of?" you may ask. The answer is a horrid revelation. The elves are born from all animals that have been decomposed by the forests. Those beasts, men and dwarves who have died and have had their rotting flesh devoured by sinister mushrooms lurking on the forest floors. All this, is raw material to create the elf.

This also explains the elven propensity toward eating sentient beings. They are simply adding fuel to the decomposing parasite lodged deep inside them. And as for the wooden constructions? The wooden weapons and armor? They are in fact still living bark, merged into the slaves flesh to protect them, so that they may protect the forest. And the truth of the "trade goods" that elves so willingly cleft from trees to bring to dwarf and man? Also living wood, but even more sinister in purpose, designed to create new slaves, to implant the forest parasite into those with will, so that when they die, they too will be turned to the forests' embrace.

I leave you, dear friends of the Bay12 community, with this. Beware the Elf, for it is a Lie. And Beware the Tree, for it is the true foe you must face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaWTsUfnuOo
Lyrics:
Forest King lyrics

Knee deep in the dead of their kind
They carry on without seeming to mind
Feed off their flesh, larger they grow
Persevere through ice, wind and snow
When metal beasts come crashing through the under brush
Through old majestic growth
To defend itself the forest will come to life
Encroachment against humanity, running root breaking stone
Rise up feed off the dead
Towering giants fill you with dread
Avenge the axe, avenge the blade
Cleansing all the parasites
A green shadow cast upon the world
Pushed to the brink the trees reclaim what is theirs
Collapse tall buildings for the survival of their kind
Payments coming for every cut that you've made
Feed off the dead, fill you with dread
Payments coming
Above their heads shine the stars of the night
Rising up to the dark through the light
Mighty giants, standing arm to arm
Warriors march forward, sound the alarm
Rise up
Born of the earth, more armies advance
The forest king will reign
Overtaking cities with branches they ensnare
Pushing the human race back a million years
The earth grows quiet all plant life will dominate again
When every structure falls you'll know the forest is king
« Last Edit: September 20, 2012, 06:23:29 pm by BFEL »
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IamanElfCollaborator

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2012, 11:36:36 am »

Mein gott.
I will ALWAYS burn all elves to death now. (Originally I crushed them or fed them to megabeasts.)
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Nyan Thousand

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2012, 11:44:40 am »

I hope you have a newsletter, good sir, because I'm going to subscribe the fuck out of it.
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BFEL

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2012, 12:09:50 pm »

I hope you have a newsletter, good sir, because I'm going to subscribe the fuck out of it.

lol no newsletter no, so I take it you like the theory?
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apiks

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2012, 12:54:43 pm »

WOOOOO! WOOO! WOOOO!
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BFEL

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2012, 12:57:16 pm »

WOOOOO! WOOO! WOOOO!

Are you a ghost? :P
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apiks

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2012, 12:58:12 pm »

No silly, I'm that IgnoreThreadPerson. That's why it's "wooo" instead of "booo" :P .


Anyway, good thread. I am expecting newspaper now.
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BFEL

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2012, 12:59:37 pm »

Well I think I'm going to move this over to Community Games and Storys, since it is kinda a story more then a discussion.

It is now in the Story section place thing
« Last Edit: September 20, 2012, 01:01:28 pm by BFEL »
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Firehawk45

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2012, 01:21:16 pm »

Dear Sir, i regret to inform you that recent "surgery operations" on dead elves by Urist McBloodysaw and Urist McTreehater revealed a disturbing fact regarding the elves tendency to trade their parasite-wood against metals, glass, and even stone.
The tests showed that elven parasites, if fed with materials of dwarfen origin, grow stronger, which has a direct effect on the elf in question. In our example, Urist McTreehater had his head torn off by the surgery object, before guards were able to ensure that the elf remained dead. This happened after exposing the parasite to a superiorly crafted iron mug. According to this, the conclusion is obvious: Elves are able to be repaired, which gives them the ability to reinforce their armys as long as they have access to their bodys and materials made of metal and stone.

Although this has not been verified yet, leading scientists (including the famous Urist McDrunken) believe that human crafts may serve the same purpose, but may leave the elves weakened, possibly due to the superior quality of dwarfen goods. Messengers to human settlements have been considered, but the idea was abandoned because of the close contact of the two races.

Every dwarfen overseer is advised to stop trade with the elves IMMEDIATELY, and (as long as the fort is able to do so) to destroy every last elf in sight, and to destroy the bodys. Magma is perfect, but just throwing the bodys down a deep pit should also be sufficient.
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pisskop

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2012, 01:25:31 pm »

It makes so much sense now!  What is the forest spirit then?
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Sprin

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2012, 01:39:16 pm »

WAIT!
What about Cacame?
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IamanElfCollaborator

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2012, 01:41:09 pm »

Cacame was the last true elf. All the ones after were parasites.
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apiks

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2012, 01:45:20 pm »

You see Sprin, like how zombies are made via magic or a virus, the current elf population is inflicted with something similar which changed them the way a human might've change into a zombie.

And in this case, all read elves have turned to either dust (burnnnnnn!!!MUAHHAHA), died by some means or converted.
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Tirion

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2012, 01:50:56 pm »

Elf = Thorian Creeper infiltrator caste.
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Rtyh-C

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Re: The Elf, A theory
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2012, 01:52:27 pm »

I think that we should further investigate this hypothesis. We will need to cut the elves' scalps and tear their heads open. Of course, first we will need to immobilize them with spikes. In their heads, we will either find a brain or one of the evil parasites you speak of. Either way, we'll have to burn it with magma. Drop by drop, of course, so that we can investigate its effects more clearly.

...wow, that turned out more sadistic than the average DF session.
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By that logic, you shouldn't be able to play dwarves because they don't show thinking ability.
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