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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 611159 times)

TheBiggerFish

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3000 on: December 29, 2015, 03:22:40 pm »

Again, the jokes are supposed to not be funny.  There's a different thread for that, guys.
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Comrade P.

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3001 on: December 29, 2015, 03:23:01 pm »

From Gran Torino, told by old man played by Clint Eastwood:


In a clip
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Adragis

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3002 on: December 29, 2015, 03:23:25 pm »

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
DOCTOR WHO YOU JUST SAID IT AHHAHAHAHA
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thincake

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3003 on: December 29, 2015, 03:35:47 pm »

Hey, can I ask you a question?
What's that? Yes?
Okay, thanks.
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crazysheep

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3004 on: December 29, 2015, 03:37:17 pm »

An Englishman, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Norwegian and a Swede were all on a plane together. The flight was going well, until the pilot informed everyone that due to a faulty engine the plane is overloaded. They ditched all their luggage and everything that wasn't nailed down, but the plane was still overloaded. They tore all the seats and other nonessential parts of the plane and threw them out as well, but the plane was still overloaded. It was clear someone would have to sacrifice themselves for the others to survive. The Frenchman jumped out, screaming "Long live Liberty!" The plane was still overloaded. The Englishman jumped out, screaming "Long live the Queen!" The plane was still overloaded. The Finn and the Norwegian threw the Swede out, screaming "Long live Nordic co-operation!"
Slightly different version I learned:

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a plane and the plane gets overloaded. The pilot says that 3 of them are going to have to sacrifice themselves if the other is to survive. The Frenchman says "vive la France!" and jumps out. The Englishman says "Long live the queen!" and jumps out. The Texan says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
We have a rather different version over here:
A Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cuban and a Japanese man are on a boat trip down a river somewhere.
Halfway through their journey, an engine problem develops and the captain advises the passengers to ditch unessential baggage to lighten the load.
The Cuban throws out a crate of cigars, stating "Plenty of this in my home country."
The Japanese throws out his collection of digital watches, also stating "Plenty of these in my home country."
The Indonesian throws a crate of clove cigarettes overboard, also saying "Plenty of these in my home country."
The boat continues sinking, and all eyes are on the Malaysian. Without batting an eyelid he throws the Indonesian overboard.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3005 on: December 29, 2015, 03:42:29 pm »

I suppose the same could be said for the Mexican and the Texan  :P
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Grim Portent

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3006 on: December 29, 2015, 03:45:28 pm »

The version I heard goes like:

There's an American, an Englishman and a Mexican on a boat that begins sinking because it's overloaded.

The Englishman throws his tea overboard saying 'we have plenty of tea back home.'

The Mexican throws his beans overboard saying 'we have plenty of beans back home.'

The American throws the Mexican overboard saying 'we have plenty of Mexican's back home.'
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Orange Wizard

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3007 on: December 29, 2015, 05:25:28 pm »

The New Zealand version:

There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3008 on: December 29, 2015, 05:46:06 pm »

The New Zealand version:

There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
That's totally racist. The others were understandable, but you just took it waaay to far. [/sarcasm]
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Helgoland

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3009 on: December 29, 2015, 07:58:35 pm »

The version I heard goes like:

There's an American, an Englishman and a Mexican on a boat that begins sinking because it's overloaded.

The Englishman throws his tea overboard saying 'we have plenty of tea back home.'

The Mexican throws his beans overboard saying 'we have plenty of beans back home.'

The American throws the Mexican overboard saying 'we have plenty of Mexican's back home.'
We've got that one in Germany too, except with a Dutch guy, a Turkish guy, and a German. 'Wir haben zuhause eh zu viele davon.'

Not a joke I'd usually tell, really.
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Orange Wizard

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3010 on: December 29, 2015, 08:08:55 pm »

The New Zealand version:

There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
That's totally racist. The others were understandable, but you just took it waaay to far. [/sarcasm]
yeah there's not a single white person in sight

so much for diversity huh
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Hard science is like a sword, and soft science is like fear. You can use both to equally powerful results, but even if your opponent disbelieve your stabs, they will still die.

a1s

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3011 on: December 29, 2015, 08:53:38 pm »

totally racist.
Alright.

An elf, a human, a dwarf and an ork are flying on a dragon (consensualy- the dragon is being compensated in a fair manner determined by flyer's union) and the dragon is shot (for reasons other than being a dragon.) The non-gender specific people of various races look around and discover they only have 3 scrolls of featherfall.
So, the dwarf says "I have 17 children and 3 wives, I have to survive", grabs a scroll and jumps off.
Then the elf says "I'm the smartest one here, so I have to survive", grabs a scroll and jumps off.
The ork says "We orks, for reasons unrelated to racism are always ready to die, and since we're such good friends, human (or whatever- I'm raceblind) I'm going to give the last scroll to you"
"No need " says human (or the ork, it doesn't matter. Maybe it was the human who was all self-sacrificial. You don't know, because this joke isn't racist.) "the smartest person on this dragon just jumped out with my lunch menu".
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3012 on: December 29, 2015, 08:55:41 pm »

I bet it was a black dragon because it got shot.
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hector13

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3013 on: December 29, 2015, 08:56:44 pm »

I bet it was a black dragon because it got shot.

Oh shots fired!

... Otherwise they wouldn't be in this mess.
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Dutrius

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3014 on: December 29, 2015, 09:54:39 pm »

Why not give the scroll to the dragon, so they all survive?
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