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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 646912 times)

Mech#4

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #45 on: November 19, 2012, 02:10:58 am »

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies “for you, no charge”.
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Kaypy:Adamantine in a poorly defended fortress is the royal equivalent of an unclaimed sock on a battlefield.

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Knight of Fools

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #46 on: November 19, 2012, 02:48:56 am »

"Oh, crap. I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"
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The Darkling Wolf

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #47 on: November 19, 2012, 02:57:30 am »

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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My cabbages!
[Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker]

I am fat, eating is my great joy.

Remalle

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #48 on: November 19, 2012, 02:58:13 am »

So Heisenberg is driving down the road one day, right?  A police officer pulls him over and asks him "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies "No, but now that you've pulled me over I know exactly where I am!"
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RedWarrior0

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #49 on: November 19, 2012, 03:02:22 am »

Does the really, really long one about the man dying in the desert who then meets the snake count?
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Pnx

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #50 on: November 19, 2012, 03:34:21 am »

Ok, here's an Irish Catholic joke, which is common in areas where they don't like Irish Catholics... or where they just happen to have a lot of Irish Catholics, like the republic of Irleand, which is where this is set (it's a bit of a long one).

So a an Irish teenager goes to church and makes a confession to the priest.

"Father," he says, "forgive me father for I have sinned in the most horrible way."
"Well son, tell me all about it and we'll see what we can do."
"Well father," says the teenager, "me and this... young girl in town who I promised I wouldn't tell who she was, we got together and we did some things that are only done between married couples."
The father is shocked by this, "Really?!? I can't believe it... surely this girl, it wasn't Nelli, just at the bottom of the street."
"Father, I really can't tell you who it was, I'm sorry."
"I understand... I understand... but surely," the priest continues, "it wasn't Caity the bakers daughter, she always seemed so open to temptation."
"Father, please... I can't tell you." The teenager says.
"It wasn't Samantha who just moved into the house on the hill was it? She seemed like such a nice girl..."
"Father, I've said this three times now, I can't tell you who it was." The teenager says.
"It's alright, I understand," the priest says, "I'm sure this girl will come forward on her own. In the meantime, I'm afraid I'm going to have to excommunicate you for three weeks while you think about what you've done wrong."
"It's a harsh punishment father, but a fair one."
The teenager leaves the church and meets two of his friends outside. "Well, how'd it go?" they ask him.
"Well..." the teenager says thoughtfully, "I don't have to go to church for three weeks, and I got us three leads."

----

Oh, and since you guys seem to want truly horrible jokes, have this one I just remembered.

Why do so few sailors know how to read?

Because when they try to learn their alphabet, they spend months stuck at C.
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The Darkling Wolf

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2012, 04:10:46 am »

Does the really, really long one about the man dying in the desert who then meets the snake count?
That's not a joke, that's an essay :P
 
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My cabbages!
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Neyvn

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #52 on: November 19, 2012, 04:33:33 am »

My Comedy is like Medicine...
It has a Terrible Taste and not even Children like it...
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Mech#4

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #53 on: November 19, 2012, 04:39:59 am »

Hm, has anyone heard the joke with no punchline?
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Kaypy:Adamantine in a poorly defended fortress is the royal equivalent of an unclaimed sock on a battlefield.

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The Darkling Wolf

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #54 on: November 19, 2012, 05:05:37 am »

How about some terrible computer jokes?

Ethernet (n): Device used to catch the etherbunny

Bad command. Bad! Bad command! Sit! Siiit...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Southern DOS: "Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)"

SENILITY.EXE has crashed, out of memory error.

Computer (n): A machine designed to speed up and automate errors.

Press any key to continue. Wait no! Not that one!!

I'll stop these now :P

« Last Edit: November 19, 2012, 05:08:03 am by The Darkling Wolf »
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My cabbages!
[Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker]

I am fat, eating is my great joy.

612DwarfAvenue

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #55 on: November 19, 2012, 06:48:22 am »

How about some terrible computer jokes?

Ethernet (n): Device used to catch the etherbunny

Bad command. Bad! Bad command! Sit! Siiit...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Southern DOS: "Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)"

SENILITY.EXE has crashed, out of memory error.

Computer (n): A machine designed to speed up and automate errors.

Press any key to continue. Wait no! Not that one!!

I'll stop these now :P

C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN
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Starver

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #56 on: November 19, 2012, 08:17:55 am »

(BTW, I took the theme of the thread to be groan-worthy, or perhaps incomprehensible, rather than bad taste.)

So Heisenberg is driving down the road one day, right?  A police officer pulls him over and asks him "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies "No, but now that you've pulled me over I know exactly where I am!"

(Alternately a version, that when he gets told how fast he was going, he now has to ask where on earth he is...)



Schrödinger's wife berates her husband: "I don't know what you've been doing to the cat, but it looks half dead!"



The electrician stumbles in after a long session.  The wife asks "Wire you insulate?" and he grumbles "Watt an ohm!"



A man wants some exotic pets so he goes to an exotic-pet store and (after some irrelevant banter) settles on snakes, taking a male and a female thinking he might try to breed them.

After a while of still no little teeny non-existent taps of teeny little non-existent feet, he goes back to the store and asks the owner what he's doing wrong.  "Ahah!" he said, "That's easy!  Cut down a tree, cut slices from the trunk, make little legs to prop them up in the air a bit and put those in their terrarium."

The man does this, and soon ends up rewarded with a whole mass of slithering offspring.  Delighted he goes back to the shop to let the owner know it worked.  "But how?" he asks.

"Those snakes you got," explains the owner, "were adders.  And adders need log tables to multiply..."



C++ is just the same as C.  What I want to use is ++C!


(And now a risqué one...)

Q: How many <insert racial/professional/stereotypical group here>s can you fit in a <make of small car>?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and maybe room for a small child.


(This might not survive transition overseas.)

So... I went into the fish'n'chip shop and asked for cod and chips twice.  The guy behind the counter told me he'd heard me the first time.
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Max White

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #57 on: November 19, 2012, 08:46:47 am »

The neutrino then asks for a beer. A neutrino walks into a bar.

Draxis

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #58 on: November 19, 2012, 08:47:39 am »

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A priest, an engineer, and a duck walk into a bar.  Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Why do elephants hide in cherry trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

How do the elephants get into the trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

How do they get out of the trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

What did he say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Once, when we were at a Chinese restaurant, Bill Gosper wanted to know whether someone would like to share with him a two-person-sized bowl of soup. His inquiry was: “Split-p soup?”

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Darvi

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #59 on: November 19, 2012, 09:00:52 am »

I call bull on that, I never saw an elephant hiding in a-oh my god. They're good.
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