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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 572246 times)

Twinwolf

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2985 on: December 27, 2015, 01:13:23 pm »

There should be a "Not-Terrible Jokes" thread.
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Kot

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2986 on: December 27, 2015, 01:15:34 pm »

Funilly enough it was my girlscout friend who told me that one.
But yeah, it's still terrible, because, well, jews.
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2987 on: December 27, 2015, 01:16:11 pm »

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KingofstarrySkies

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2988 on: December 27, 2015, 04:01:00 pm »

I wish I could unwatch a thread because every time I look at this I can feel myself dying faster
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IcyTea31

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2989 on: December 27, 2015, 11:26:49 pm »

Dying of laughter?
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KingofstarrySkies

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2990 on: December 27, 2015, 11:30:17 pm »

Dying of pure unbridled hatred, actually.
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Sigtextastic
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hector13

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2991 on: December 27, 2015, 11:32:52 pm »

Dying of pure unbridled hatred, actually.

"Mark all messages as read"
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Kot

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2992 on: December 27, 2015, 11:54:33 pm »

We love you too.
























Haha, good one.
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Kot finishes his morning routine in the same way he always does, by burning a scale replica of Saint Basil's Cathedral on the windowsill.

a1s

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2993 on: December 29, 2015, 06:54:43 am »

A priest walks into a gun shop. The clerk sneers at him:
- Doesn't the bible say "thou shalt not kill", Padre?
- Worry not, my son, I'm only going to shoot the kneecaps.

An old lady walks into a gun shop and asks to see some handguns.
- is this for defense? - asks the clerk
- Oh, goodness, no - says the lady - I've got a lawyer for that.
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2994 on: December 29, 2015, 02:18:31 pm »

A church pastor gets in a taxi and drives for home. On the way there, the taxi crashes and both the Pastor and the taxi diver both die. They both go to heaven and God gives the taxi driver a large beautiful home, but he gives the Pastor a small shack. The pastor asks "why do I get so much less than the taxi driver?" And God answers, "When you preach, people sleep. But when he drives, people pray."
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TheDarkStar

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2995 on: December 29, 2015, 02:26:08 pm »

A church pastor gets in a taxi and drives for home. On the way there, the taxi crashes and both the Pastor and the taxi diver both die. They both go to heaven and God gives the taxi driver a large beautiful home, but he gives the Pastor a small shack. The pastor asks "why do I get so much less than the taxi driver?" And God answers, "When you preach, people sleep. But when he drives, people pray."

Wrong thread, this was good.
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IcyTea31

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2996 on: December 29, 2015, 03:11:04 pm »

An Englishman, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Norwegian and a Swede were all on a plane together. The flight was going well, until the pilot informed everyone that due to a faulty engine the plane is overloaded. They ditched all their luggage and everything that wasn't nailed down, but the plane was still overloaded. They tore all the seats and other nonessential parts of the plane and threw them out as well, but the plane was still overloaded. It was clear someone would have to sacrifice themselves for the others to survive. The Frenchman jumped out, screaming "Long live Liberty!" The plane was still overloaded. The Englishman jumped out, screaming "Long live the Queen!" The plane was still overloaded. The Finn and the Norwegian threw the Swede out, screaming "Long live Nordic co-operation!"
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2997 on: December 29, 2015, 03:14:07 pm »

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It has been determined that Trump is an average unladen swallow travelling northbound at his maximum sustainable speed of -3 Obama-cubits per second in the middle of a class 3 hurricane.

origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2998 on: December 29, 2015, 03:17:27 pm »

Slightly different version I learned:

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a plane and the plane gets overloaded. The pilot says that 3 of them are going to have to sacrifice themselves if the other is to survive. The Frenchman says "vive la France!" and jumps out. The Englishman says "Long live the queen!" and jumps out. The Texan says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
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"'...It represents the world. They [the dwarves] plan to destroy it.' 'WITH SOAP?!'" -legend of zoro (with some strange interperetation)

Arx

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2999 on: December 29, 2015, 03:20:51 pm »

If we're telling heaven jokes...

A very wealthy man is diagnosed with terminal cancer. As people are wont to do in these circumstances, he converts to Christianity and starts praying desperately for God to at least let him take some of his stuff with him to heaven. After a bit of thought, God agrees, and says he may bring one suitcase full.

Very pleased with himself, the man converts as much of his cash as possible into gold bars and has them packed in a rolling suitcase, which he keeps under his bed. The time comes that he dies, and he arrives before the Gates with his suitcase. St. Peter asks him about it, but he explains God's special dispensation.

"Well, this is very irregular, but if God says so..." Peter replies. "But I do need to have a look at what you've brought."

The man, glee barely contained, opens the suitcase. Peter's jaw drops.

"Bet you've never seen anything like this before, eh?" The man asks.

"You brought paving stones?" Peter replies.
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