Dave, moved by God's approval of getting this mad party up and running in dentureland, lets the power run through him as he prepares his next spell. The power of the gods themselves burns inside his body, begging for release!
[Dave's affinity roll: 1-->1+1]
There's a bit of an issue here, Dave notices as he begins to conjure a massive amazing underwear cyclone to lighten the place up. It escapes him for but a moment what that might be, but then the burning sensation of power input greatly outpacing the respective output. What follows next is a rather bad feeling as underwear begins to stream from his fingers, godly power animating it into tiny tempests to fill the denture skies. He's about to suggest that maybe God should step off a little on the jim-jam, if he knows what he means, but then he notices his skin has begun to glow. And then it suddenly randomizes all over, which feels really tingly for some reason, each bit of muscle, skin and bone flying every which way, transmuting into underwear more heinously gaudy than Dave previously thought possible mid-flight, changing their trajectory violently in the process, carried by the power of Dave's spell and the engine of raw magic that the God of Dentures seems to be, a runaway process that continues for but a few moments before Dave, or at least his previous form, is gone entirely, as is the underwear, having screamed off in the distance without a care in the world, seemingly having no concern for behaving atmospherically as Dave wants them to.
Where Dave was, only one thing remains - well, two things. A pair of floating eyes, for one, or at least that's what Dave can currently see. Then there's Charles, floating around confusedly, looking at the space where his host seemed to be moments ago, seemingly displeased at seemingly being two-legged due to the loss of the hip that made the impairment rather moot.
"Huh. Weird. Sorry, dude. Didn't mean to do that."If Dave could speak, then perhaps he'd have a few choice words for God.
* * * * *
Larry, waiting for Cal seemingly being his only option, tries to make a little smalltalk to pass the time.
"For angels, they sure do get along well with demons. You seen any here?""Nah. They're segregated pretty fully, which I think is a real shame. I hear they're good people, funny as that sounds," his host says.
"Or at least not a bunch of raging assholes, mostly. Maybe a bit weird and dogmatic at times, though. Hence why the angels like to mess with them a lot."Before he can tell Larry more, however, there is the sound of a vehicle slowly coming to a halt with gravel grinding underneath its tires, which Larry finds more odd when he looks to see that it seems to be Cal's van, currently standing on nothing at all off the edge of a walkway outside.
"What's up, guys? Come on, Larry, time's a wastin'!" the angel says, sounding pretty excited for some reason.
"We want to get there before the place freezes over, optimally."* * * * *
Eta is interested in the secret wisdom of this man or possibly woman (though she wouldn't bet on it) of the Internet. Being a polite reader of blogs, she starts out from the very first post on the subject, titled...
[stock image of an angry man in a robe and a pointy hat which is slightly on fire]
So the gates of the far beyond have opened in your neighborhood, and nothing, you realize, will ever be the same. The age of humanity is coming to an end, the age of dinosaurs is restarting with a whole monsoon of the dang things and more and more inexplicable things are bound to pile up on your doorstep, perhaps literally, without any warning whatsoever. You're in deep trouble, regular reader, but don't be afraid! It's the start of an exciting new age of change, sort of like Y2K, but actually a thing (still sorry about messing up on that one, guys, but this is the real thing, I swear), and everyone's invited to partake of it, and by following these guidelines gleaned by yours truly through the magic of investigative reporting, you can make your path to wizarddom (and possible eventual domination of the world, more on that in a later installment) easier than ever before (it was literally impossible before so now that you've read this that's already like a 600% improvement, right
).
Now, first things first, you might be a wizard already. You just don't know it yet! Kinda like it is with Mormons and the Amish, basically. It's just a question of awakening that inner potential. I want you, dear reader, to try and shout to your inner magical voice (bear with me on this one) that you're ready to get your magic now. Try it!
Seriously, try it!
Anyway, that probably didn't work for 99% of the non-insane, and that's okay. You just need to look out for that other 1%, and then ask them to give you magic as well! It's that simple, since they'll be able to take you all the way from there if they are in any way on top of things. Speaking of, the rest of this post is for them. Non-chosen ones, don't look!
[stock image of a face melting with the caption "Or this is gonna happen! Don't say I didn't warn you!"]
Now that they're gone, dear chosen ones, let's get to business. Your first question is probably "what do I do with a spell like Implode Underwear, that sounds sick, you freakish person, you!" That's not a question. You should feel ashamed. Try to speak to your voice again and again and again until you get spells that are cool and awesome, like Attract Cheese or something. Spend an afternoon on the process, it's fun! Mostly risk-free, too! Chosen ones, consider this your homework assignment for next time! Familiarize yourself with the way you get spells. Intuitive, innit? And fun, too, after you let go of certain ethical constraints!
Now, the next obvious question is, how do I cast spells? That's even easier! You cast spells by casting them. Imagine you're a wizard, and then do what you'd do if you were a wizard, and then things will happen exactly as if you were a wizard! That is, if wizarding is in you rightly and properly - it should be in you if you've got the voice, but if not, rehearse a little. Get the wizardliness down pat. Think of regular everyday activities in terms of "what would a proper wizard do in this situation?" You'll find that the more effortlessly you manage to pretend to be a wizard, the more wizardly power will come to you, sometimes unbidden and at odd hours. Don't worry about that, though. Not yet, anyway. More on the extraneous details later!
And by later, I of course mean the next installment! Watch out, chosen ones, and make sure to do your homework! I'll be back soon with more on what you need to do to become a Wizard, capitalization intentional!
She finds it a little odd that the next installment is posted mere minutes later. As are the rest - all of these seem to have been posted roughly simultaneously, probably been written in advance. Almost all of them were posted yesterday morning.
[stock image of a copycat of the Necronomicon Ex Mortis eating a lady's hand, lady is screaming unconvincingly with a cartoonish expression]
Hey there, true believers! You have your spellbooks yet? All wizards need spellbooks unless they're one of those really hip wizards who think they know better (THEY DON'T, I TELL YOU WHAT). If not, ask your inner magical voices! They'll steer you in the right direction, I'm sure. It kicks all manner of butt to have a spellbook, or at least a magical crystal to gaze into if you don't have any sufficiently dignified paper to carry the images and words of a proper spellbook (for fun magical crystals, check my earlier posts, especially Crystal Fever! Make sure to mount them on gnarled staves, too, if you're feeling like going the extra awesome mile!).
Anywho, spells! Spells! They're what you need! They're everything to you, they're like medicine for your wounded souls. Magic makes everything better - it's proven. Whether it's a beam of immaculate pornography to cheer up your friends or a blast of extratemporal paper for your enemies, magic can potentially improve your life a whole lot. But for that to be the case, you want to be careful with picking your spells - spells are like friends, a bad crowd is going to get you into a jam and maybe kill you dead when you don't share your lottery winnings with it. But a good set of spells can get you out of basically anything! So if you're having trouble choosing what to pick, here's a few suggestions - I know better than anyone that a lot of these spells ought to sound very good to you!
First of all, you should keep anything with an adjective to it, at least right now! Adjectives mean you're creating or becoming something, and that's some of the best fun you can have at your current level of power! Plus, wouldn't you like to be the lucky person who gets to cast something described as Eldritch? I know, right? So watch out for those adjectives - they're a sign of good times ahead.
Second of all, feel free to drop the situational spells like, say, Repel Fans when the situation calls for it. At your power level, I'm sorry to say that holding out hope for them being awesome is a little bit vain, and you should be more realistic! They come into play more later, when you can [REDACTED FOR MAXIMUM ;P, SEE NEXT UPDATE]. Right now, the only really cool one might be Control, but that's awesome at any level of power as long as you can manage to get a reasonably common element, like Canned Goods. So much versatility, so much yum.
Third of all, make sure to keep your spells refreshed! There's much to be gained from a rotating spell list, not least of all the fact that you can always surprise your bitter enemies this way. And you will have bitter enemies, let me assure you, if you're anywhere near being a wizard worth their salt! That's what being a wizard is - you against the world, magic at your fingertips, unlimited power, that sort of thing! Plus, often new and interesting spells will become possible through the currents of magic becoming more powerful, and you might end up with something stupendously powerful that none of your friends have even bothered to try looking for. It can be quite glorious, I assure you.
And make sure to practice your spellcasting! Maybe stage a mock duel with your wizard friends, maybe experiment a little with synergistic effects, what little you can muster at this point, because soon we'll be talking about the greatest challenge you've faced yet, a way to increase your power level and induct you into the higher echelons of magical society! Stay tuned for the next installment, true believers, and keep spelling away!
Eta's about to start reading the next one, but she hears a voice from unsettlingly close by.
"Hey, baby! How's the morning treatin' you?"Ah yes. That explains the lack of noise and sudden smell of smoke in the room. Hope he doesn't set off the fire alarm.
* * * * *
Halesey, though his mind is cleared of any proper doubt and has been for a while, is still somewhat perplexed, as his rather vortex-like tummy presents quite a problem - namely, what it will feel like if he tries to travel through this same vortex. And though it does feel completely unnatural to do so, he heeds God's request to tone down the whole vortex thing a little, since it's pretty clear he's impressing no one with it thus far. He shrinks it to the point where his head is fully reformed, as are his limbs - his torso, though, is still one gert big vortex, he's pleased to note.
"Er, yes, Derek was quite hard to impress. I think he dislikes me a little because I tried to make him impressed by the glory of Potato. I surmise he has not yet entirely reached emotional maturity. And... yes. Sorry. I presume that is my mortal world You can see - I've never looked through myself to see it, and... well... it is quite Potato-free. Most Potatoes there are confined underground, or in plastic bags. I will try to make the mortal world Potatoeyer. Which reminds me of something - how can I get back there to find a third disciple? Because before, I travelled through vortexes. Now I am one. Can I travel through another one? Forgive my humble questioning.""A very good question, my prophet. You can, naturally, but it would be more convenient to just use the vortex on your own person - simply dive through it with all of your limbs, that is. It may be a tad difficult if you are not experienced, but I understand that it is like turning a shirt inside-out - strange, and yet completely intuitive. Try it, should you dare."* * * * *
The voice has not convinced
John of the stylistic merits of the oil lamp, and a counterplan of using a fancy box of chocolates to provide magic occurs to him, and his voice can, at best, offer a shrug of acceptance.
~Yeah, that works, if you're into that limited-use thing. It's a bit overwrought, in my opinion, but hey, I admit there's a lot of style points to be had for offering shady candy to innocent neophytes on the street.~Meanwhile, Tracey the waitress seems to be regaining consciousness, rather rapidly so. She gets up immediately, looking spooked.
"Did I really just pass out and fall on the ground?" she says, looking over at Mr. Pilton.
"It looked kind of like a seizure, actually," Mr. Pilton offers.
"Kitty! That's no way to treat your friends!" she shouts, looking up at the ceiling.
"In his defense, maybe it's better to research magic sitting down," he says.
"I could have gotten a concussion, and then where would I be? Hospitalized and magical, that's where. And that's no way for a person to be, not around these hospitals," she replies, a touch angry.
"I'm pretty sure Kitty's a she, too. I think she's a she.""Anyway, you have any pressing questions, maybe?" Mr. Pilton asks, seemingly starting to get bored of both this situation and Tracey.
"Uh, none I couldn't ask her, I guess. Though she seems to only be able to reply to me in cat sounds. Is that normal?"
Author
Topic: The Forgotten Art: Approaching the Nexus (Read 256910 times)