1. Yeah, I suspected as much
. It seemed though that at least some
of the "overcome fear of death" articles I've found (of which there are strikingly few, at least if you want a site focused on psychology and related, instead of something overly-religious) suggested "distract yourself by being with friends etc." (i.e. denial), which never sounded right to me. I guess I'll go google "how to accept your death" after this
2. Like I said earlier, it'll take some work to overcome all the mental barriers I've set up involving talking with my parents, but I feel I should do that at some point (preferably very soon). I'm really feeling that I'll need some help in accepting the inevitable, in addition to getting a better life.
Some other thoughts:
I think what's happening is that I don't have anything to look forward to in my life at this time, so perhaps my brain has defaulted to the one thing left to look forward to? Also another possibility, could I just be mourning my death ahead of time, simply because I won't be around to mourn it afterward
I'm also confident that, once I finally accept this down to my core, I'll have decades
of my life where it's not something I worry about, even when it comes to mind, instead of worrying and accepting it when my days are numbered. That's something to look forward to, I guess.
I realized just a short while ago that perhaps Dwarf Fortress can give me a little motivation for doing stuff when it seems we and most of what we do is fated to fade into obscurity so what's the point: Losing is Fun!
Perhaps that's how I'll accept it in the end: someday my adventurer will fall to a hydra, someday my fort will flood, and someday an entire dwarf civilization will be wiped out. But, I should have fun while it lasts, not like it's permanent or anything
I should really take a look at the stuff I want to do, come up with tasklists for doing those things, and work on stuff. That, I predict, would help a lot. Also spending time with my family helps. When I'm in the middle of doing stuff, and I get twinges of those feelings and thoughts, it's much easier to say "not now brain, I'm busy doing fun stuff". I definitely have to find more to do with my life, so that I at least don't spend all day
with only these thoughts to contend with.
As I said before, were I in school right now, I would've likely dropped these feelings entirely by now, because of all the stuff I'd be dealing with. Come to think of it, it's entirely possible (and likely) that those previous depressing episodes I mentioned earlier only occurred during various week-long school breaks (where my standard vacation plans were "stay home and do nothing"), and then those spells were broken within a few days back at school. I can remember one of them happening during winter break one year. Something to consider.
Also, I need to trust that the set of things I like to do, listen to, watch, and so on will change and expand over time. My brain seems to think that all the stuff in that collection is set in stone, and then I have trouble imagining a fun life when I have such a small and stagnant collection of "things I like" to carry through the decades with me. (The whole "hard to predict new things happening in the future that I like" in one of the early posts.)
Finally, while I don't refuse the possibility of religion being correct (there is life after death! in particular), I'm merely trying to accept the worst-case scenario of nothing.
Here's to my ongoing fight with these issues!
EDIT: I just realized: perhaps some of my panic surrounding this whole mess of my stagnant life comes from me being just 18. For example, when you've got a plan in place that may take up to a couple of years, it seems like it will take up a lot of your life when you're younger. At 18, two years is 1/9 of your life so far. If you were instead, say, 66, two years is 1/33 of your life. I should remind myself that a year here or there to get my life in motion is comparatively little, especially when the right effort throughout a few years gives you decades of a better life.
Also, I am still meditating (it helps a lot, I plan on doing it in the morning too in order to combat that "painting of despair" I described previously), and I should give an earnest try to journal-writing this time 'round. I'm also thinking that perhaps I could write a short story and then share it with this fine community, as a small step towards "doing substansial stuff"