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[TD1]

Nice, as always.

I experimented with a poem I posted here a while ago to see if I could make it shorter but mean much the same thing:

Edit: Hey, funny enough, my university just posted a poetry one-page competition. Maaaay stick this in there.

If you want to read the changes, I can PM it to you? (Open to all who may (but probably won't ) be curious.)

[Tomasque]

That is. Wow.

It's like reading a babbling brook as it tumbles down a hillside. I've never considered myself a fan of free verse poetry, but this is probably the best argument for it that I've heard.

Some thoughts I had as I read and re-read the poem:

I think it'd be a perfect touch if you tacked on "And knew." to the end. It feels to me like this is missing two syllables there, and it would rhyme nicely as well. Does adding that seem right to you, thematically and metrically?

Also, I always read "I had a longing for the sky" directly after "onwards, ever upwards", and keep tripping over the syllables. Does "I had longing for the sky" or "With a longing for the sky" sound better to you? It feels more natural to me.

One last thing. The 's' in "onwards ever upwards" drag a little bit, and I found myself just saying "onward ever upward" without realizing it. I feel like it sound better that way, but what do you think?

[TD1]

High praise indeed! I edited it with your suggestions to see how it would read - and added a space at one point. I'm happy with the result, though I put 'I knew' in a different place.
Thoughts?

[TD1]

Another old one edited. Honestly, I'm finding editing to be fun. I've never done it before, but tightening stuff is actually about as fun as writing it.


       

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 Oh moon
you knew King Alexander
and Cleopatra. You
shone over empires
growing fat as you
waxed round.

Oh yes, your memory is long.

But still
no silver secret
will be released
‘til Triton blows his horn.

The scrolls
of Alexandria.
The wheels
behind a henge.

         A thousand
modern curses aren’t enough.

But if I gaze on you
and see you silver-limned
know you
see your benevolence
writ plain in chalk
may I… just crack the seam?

The secret I would have
is soft as wings in summer –
you would not know its loss
beside the heavy Caesars
and Napoleons.

Two nights ago,
she looked at you
and mouthed some sentence
unheard
over my heart’s wings
a-thundering.

All that followed
was an echo
of that purity.

She’s gone
as women and life go;
a-waxing and a-waning.
But I need…
I need to know.

Search through
the heavy burdens which you bear,
the woes and joys
and find for me
the girl
who walked with moonlight in her hair.

And in return?

I’d share your load
‘til Triton rose
and world-below
was ash.

I ask
for one thing bare and plain.
I ask
of you again.

Oh moon,
what did she say to you?

And another....

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Betrayal

I know anatomy
And so I know
His sword
,,,,a needle through its eye…
It’s pierced my heart.

I saw him first
When with autumnal glory
The heavens burned
And fire was in his eye,
A flame within responding.

All I did was smile.
It was enough.

With winter
Love warmed us
And time brought
Children picking
Blackberries.

But somehow
It was not enough.
He was a path
I walked too often.

It was only once.

But he knew.

And now his sword
Is in my heart
And I can think
How funny it is
How insane
That my last thoughts

Are not of someone else

But are

Of him.

[Tomasque]

Inspiration struck during lunch. Less of a poem, more of a song. Not really finished, but I don't know how to keep going.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I'm familiar with the notion
I see in your eyes
and I must surmise
it's that frivolous devotion
I'm above.

But this curious emotion
I would like to see
so let's you and me
go through the motions
of love.

Smile.
Laugh.
Kept a trace on my face
for the photograph.

Dance.
Sing.
When you thank me for the date
I'll say it's nothing.

[TD1]

You could try writing it in a stream of consciousness style? I often end things in unexpected ways which I can then work into the narrative.

Also, I continue to experiment:

Running

The sunset is a blood-red orange stain
While hedges cleave the darkness of the path.
I see my mother cook, alive again
Waiting with oven-spiders and a laugh.

I run to stretch the unattainable,
Feel past-life memories still bound in twine.
Grimly I climb the postal pathway hill
Knowing I must return; that’s why I climb.

We brought as orange freshness fabric pleats
Into a kitchen sweetness weighed by words
And stirred the ripples which my father eats
Unheeding of its making on his boards.

I will clench out the juice in my next mile
And give her it for sweetness and a smile.

[TD1]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Persephone

Skeins of power tied into a knot
Around the chain that bites her marriage finger
Feel like water in the peak of summer
When birds fly in a cage yet clasp the key
Releasing dregs of winter.

Knowing blue-black dogs may bite
She laughs.

I have delved into the realms of poetry theory. Interesting methodologies involving contraction and expansion. Kinda fun to do.

[TD1]

Kvothe's Walk

Bled red of heart and hand Kvothe stands as King
Alone before last season’s emperor;
The scissor-tree which makes a warrior.

Then sudden seizes wind’s imagining,
Spins it into a tale of Taborlin,
Remembers the mythologies of age.
 
Such whips as these could make a mage
Or raise the wind in channels, brim
The bunching wind in blustering of hearts

Until there lies a silence, deep as any inn’s
Where memory is wrought by light of sins.
The scissor-tree falls flat by namer’s arts

And Kvothe walks through no-one’s applause to ease
The knotted tree exhaling in the breeze.

[Naturegirl1999]

Poems can be fun to write
Riddles can be fun to solve
Jokes try to make people laugh
All of these can distract

There are currently riots and fights
That are sadly lethally resolved
People killed by police staff
Even if they didn’t violently act

It seems distractions don’t always work
It’s difficult to clear my mind
Of all the thoughts that occur
Of possible futures soon in time

People may or have already gone berserk
Conflicts will likely increase, not unwind
Neutrality is what I prefer
To strive for during the increase in conflict and crime

I think that my country will finally fall
That the conflicts will become a civil war
I wonder if what once was whole
Will split and become more countries anew

A country this big cannot last through all
Especially given corruption to its core
A good thing that may come of this is a loss of control
By those who want all money from me and you

The sad news is history tends to repeat
With power being taken and forming new nations
Causing similar things to happen
Such as wars, sickness, poverty, and famine

It seems this poem is almost complete
Combat’s the majority of history’s information
There’s not much peaceful change that happened
People seem to worship Mammon

I guess I’m not done yet
I hope the section I end up in
Cares about the environment
More than the country that it’s part of now

I hope neutrality will protect from threats
Not getting involved in the war my country’s soon to be in
Hopefully my family and I survive this experiment
I wonder how

The idea behind being neutral
Is that you’re not on anyone’s side
And thus you’re not enemies
Because you’re also not allies

At least I’m in a rural town
Buildings spread out all around
So if some were to burn down
The fires won’t spread too far around

There’s not that many people here
Less threats that may come to our house
Less potential for raiding groups to form
Less people to worry about

Well the attempt to clear my mind has failed
But now you know what I’m thinking now
I’m thinking about what might likely happen
What I hope for doesn’t matter

Peace seems to not be an option
If history and modern times are teachers
Sadly we humans are not known for peace
With wars and conflicts seemingly constant

There’ll probably be more poems here
Hopefully they’ll be more lighthearted here
But I doubt these thoughts of mine will clear
Anytime soon maybe never

How does one clear their mind
Of thoughts like this for a long portion of time?
I don’t think I’ve had a clear mind
Since, well, forever

I have thoughts like this nearly all the time
Of war, conflict, and other things around the world
Thoughts of things I can’t control
I need to stay inside

Yes, the pandemic is still a thing
So why are businesses reopening?
All of this stuff happening
Will likely aid COVID’s spreading

My brother and a friend are visiting a lake
That is open, regardless of what’s at stake
I hope they make it back ok
I hope they remain healthy

I didn’t come with, because of the pandemic that still exist
Because of the riots and protest and shootings that still persist
My brother didn’t mention which lake it was, nor did they mention the city
I am filled with worry

[Yoink]

Necro!   
I was rummaging around through old belongings earlier and was hoping to find the original copy of a very bleak poem I vaguely remembered posting in this thread years ago. I found plenty of other ghastly writings, but unfortunately not that one, and upon searching the thread for a word I remembered using in it I discovered, to my horror, that I'd originally posted it as an image of the paper itself - hosted on bloody TinyPic.   
Fortunately, I'd also included the text in an abbr tag, so I am now going to re-post this vintage Yoink. Along with some newer shit (I've barely written anything in years) in the hopes of getting this thread moving again.   

I am having a bad day.
On the plus side, though, some of this unhappiness has manifested itself in the form of a poem! I am unable to tell whether it is any good or not, however - right now everything seems terrible.

Spoiler: Written on a sheet of my employment agency's notepaper on the way home from the pointless tedium of my weekly appointment. (click to show/hide)

[IMAGE REMOVED]

I want a soul-crushing job,
The worst that I can find,
So that my aversion to employment can prove amply justified

Once I have this job
I'll be vindicated, victimised
They'll see a workplace, is no place,
For a sick and feeble mind.

At last I shall obey
I will "grow up" and "get a life"
And maybe if it's bad enough
I'll even find the strength to die.   

   

   

Strange dark highland forest   
Where the trees have learned to sweat   
Leaves green, as are the trunks   
And the very air is wet   

And creatures, spread throughout,   
In their thousands at the least   
Scream in voices myriad   
'Tis a noisy kind of peace.   

It's alien to us,   
With our blood from far away,   
This land our forebears won   
But here we plan to stay.   

   

I'm thinking of connecting this one with a couple of other verses I wrote a year or three ago, with similar themes and rhyming scheme. Probably should. Maybe I'll even continue it the next time my ageing brain decides to fart out something remotely inspired.   


Edit:   

Kvothe's Walk

Bled red of heart and hand Kvothe stands as King
Alone before last season’s emperor;
The scissor-tree which makes a warrior.

Then sudden seizes wind’s imagining,
Spins it into a tale of Taborlin,
Remembers the mythologies of age.
 
Such whips as these could make a mage
Or raise the wind in channels, brim
The bunching wind in blustering of hearts

Until there lies a silence, deep as any inn’s
Where memory is wrought by light of sins.
The scissor-tree falls flat by namer’s arts

And Kvothe walks through no-one’s applause to ease
The knotted tree exhaling in the breeze.

Oh my goodness, that was fantastic. It's been too long since I kept up with this thread.   

[TD1]

I'm thinking of connecting this one with a couple of other verses I wrote a year or three ago, with similar themes and rhyming scheme. Probably should. Maybe I'll even continue it the next time my ageing brain decides to fart out something remotely inspired.   

Do so! It's sounding good 


Written for Valentine's Day:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Love?

It is not curled within a ring, or caught
Between the pages of a night. True love
Spreads no wings, though poets write
Evoking Cupid chasing doves.
I offer tailored similes instead
Of love like crossing empty fields at night
With nothingness an ember in the head
And clouds in canvas blocking sight.
Then, you speak. A clarity
Comes to clean the stars, reveals my pathway
Like the slender whispering of wind
Pressing close before oncoming day.
Love is not curled within a ring, or caught
In anything less than this.

[Domaryx]

I've read it all over and over again! It's great! It's a pity I can't do that (

[Nildur]

Dwarf Haiku

LIBASH

NIMEM ARÔL ONOL
NOKZAM, ETÄG LIBASH LEGON
AZIN KIRUN

AXE

LONELY UNDER MOUNTAIN
A BATTLE, BIG AXE WANDER
WATCHING THE MUSHROOM

NILDUR

[Domaryx]

How many talented people are around! You are super guys

[TD1]

I've read it all over and over again! It's great! It's a pity I can't do that (

I honestly recommend just giving it a try. No one's first poems come across particularly polished, and I know mine were (are?) choked by cliches. The simple act of persisting is what brings improvement!

A villanelle I did a bit back:

When dying seasons churn the restless sea
Into a foam-flecked frenzy, freed at last
Sane men are known to flee.

Some homeward to the hearths of family
Bring word that hope is necessary
When dying seasons churn the restless sea.

Others, feeling fear of sinning, to Holy See
Bring warning and a plea, for
Even sane men are known to flee.

Jaws taut, the brave leave quay,
Seeking untethered souls
When dying seasons churn the restless sea.

Yet more, while locking doors with silver key
Sigh to feel the wind which
Sane men are known to flee.

But I, feet edging sand, fling open arms
And laugh a challenge, though I know
When dying seasons churn the restless sea
Sane men are known to flee.