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Author Topic: The Poetry Thread  (Read 40369 times)

scrdest

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #60 on: March 17, 2016, 09:47:17 am »

Did you intend to have a broken rhythm in your poem? It works as it is, though, I think.

Also, The Great Minimum is a Great poem too.

Here's one of mine
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I have a nagging feeling that the last line of the first stanza would scan better without the 'sleeping'.
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #61 on: March 17, 2016, 05:18:15 pm »

I'm going to PTW this.
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #62 on: March 21, 2016, 09:07:46 pm »

(bump?)

The poetry thread is
And yet nobody uses it.
Much sad very haiku
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Tomasque

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #63 on: March 21, 2016, 10:23:49 pm »

Hey guys, I'll be starting a poetry contest soon. Where should I put it?
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #64 on: March 21, 2016, 10:47:22 pm »

(bump?)

The poetry thread is
And yet nobody uses it.
Much sad very haiku

The thread is not used
As much as I would like it,
So don't expect life.

Hey guys, I'll be starting a poetry contest soon. Where should I put it?
Contests are good, so
Put it where you want it, man
And see where you are.
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Poetry Thread

Tomasque

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #65 on: March 21, 2016, 11:10:36 pm »

Creative Projects
or General Discussions?
Perhaps somewhere else?
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #66 on: March 21, 2016, 11:16:34 pm »

((Good one!))

Creative projects
Is most likely I would say,
But you decide it.
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #67 on: March 22, 2016, 05:06:35 am »

I would too suggest
Creative Projects for this.
But it is your choice.
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Cinder

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #68 on: March 30, 2016, 06:03:41 am »

PTW
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TheBiggerFish

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #69 on: March 30, 2016, 09:43:50 am »

Yay, Cinder PTW.
It is good to see this day.
Refrigerator.
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Solifuge

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #70 on: April 06, 2016, 02:24:20 pm »

Two and two,
Bare footsteps fall on blades
Of grass,
A mass of edges cool and soft
And sharp
For bruised ones.
In warmer rains
They press them flat,
First with timid step
Then stride
Side by side.
A path trod safe
For bruised ones.

Tokens given,
Words said twice,
It's nice
To share a dream sometime.

Hand in hand,
Across a darkling land,
Up foothills hard as mountains
To an outlander.
But at the top
A full-sweet moon hung low,
Promethean fruit, aglow
In borrowed fire,
While far below
Bright Winter's waters
Washed away old wounds,
And night bloomed to Spring
The rarest thing
For an outlander.

Glances given
Lips pressed twice
It's nice
To share a dream sometime.

At least for some time.

Moment by moment,
The soft nights lapse.
"Acta est Fabula!"
As Morpheus claps.
And curtains,
Sharply drawn
Admit
A sharper dawn.

One and one, now.
Shod footsteps fall
On white pavement.
Hills, like nothing
Stretch ahead, behind,
A quiet sea of snow.
While, fire taken long ago,
The Sun above burns colder.
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #71 on: April 06, 2016, 07:55:02 pm »

That's a brilliant poem, Solifuge. I really like the repetition of important phrases, and the very theme. Also, "Promethean fruit aglow" is my new favourite description :P

I do think the last stanza could be improved slightly, (the last two lines are slightly off-pace, I'd say) but it's so slight that it really doesn't detract from it.

Two by me:

Where oft the Dionysian sits
And sups his cup of wine
In maddened thought of older days -
When gods controlled the heavens
And all the careful, rule-led ways
Of man were charted as the stars,
Each in his own allotted time -
There fills a pool made of eternity.
Here the fair drinker sighs into his cup
And thinks that pool is nestled in his glass,
Never aware that as he dreams, he drains
Into the stillness of the water, drop by drop.


The second one:

I am he who the poet said once flew
The sound-fraught bay, vex'd the dim seas
And sped the globe around to chase
The rainy Hyades.
I've smelled the ocean brine
And knew it well - each curve,
Each twist of its tempestuous swell
Laid open for my eyes.

The far-off wooded cove oft struck my sight
When on the sea-tossed boards,
And often when the ship was slow
Strained forward, ever forward
With thought and mind in equal store
Yearning to set my foot upon the distant shore.

But now a sea-dog left to dry,
I while away the dreary hours,
Well liked, and oft remarked to cry
“Oh how I'd sell my soul for but one fee,
To ride once more upon the rolling sea!”

Yet I am old, and age hath left me
But a shadow of my youth,
Kept nothing of my features bold,
But graven on me the likeness of death.
The blood that courses in my veins is cold,
But not from just the passing years.
You may not see it, who hears this tale
But I have wept a thousand tears
For every week away from Neptune's hold.

Take me on board and I will serve
As faithfully as God does man.
Let me once more feel land's retreat
And I will kneel down at your feet,
The broken remnant of a broken sailor.
Once, I fought on land and sea for glory,
For distinction dearly won, and wore it well,
But it does me no favour now
When I must ask with bated breath
If when you leave this god forsaken isle
You'll berth one more to sail before the swell.

Edit Edit Edit: Thanks to Smirk for the improved ending!
« Last Edit: April 07, 2016, 09:55:19 am by Th4DwArfY1 »
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smirk

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #72 on: April 06, 2016, 11:07:39 pm »

...hmm. Had to go back a few lines to change the rhyme, but what about:
Quote
For distinction dearly won, and wore it well,
But it does me no favour now
When I must ask with bated breath
That when you leave this god forsaken isle
You berth one more to sail before the swell.
Hells, I'm not at all sure that's an improvement; I like your ending too. It's an excellent piece! I'm a sucker for sea imagery, and you've got it down in a very evocative manner.


@Solifuge: O_o I like. It flows so well! And this:
Quote
And curtains,
Sharply drawn
Admit
A sharper dawn.
...might be the best thing I've read all week.


eurgh. Need to go improve my own writing and post something. ...eventually.
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #73 on: April 07, 2016, 08:08:27 am »

Smirk - that's an excellent ending. Thank you! I'll change it now.

As for improving your writing, just write. "Good" is subjective - so long as it appeals to someone, then it's better having existed than not. Besides, given the way you helped me, I don't know that you need to improve all that much at all.

I always like to see people getting into poetry - keep at it!
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Th4DwArfY1

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Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #74 on: May 04, 2016, 07:15:49 pm »

Deep in the depths of darkness rise
The pearls of silver, golden eyes
And ribbons made of steel.
Whatever man has made for king,
Whatever he has thought to feel
Captured is by my hand, upon a ring.

Fountains of fury burst from stone,
The bellows make a distant moan
And door stands open to the yard.
I am a Blacksmith, simple-born
Raised in a landscape plain and hard,
Yet of my past life I am shorn.

Here flows the golden river bright
Blinding to man who has no sight,
Fairest to those who fair are not.
This stream I mould to suit my mood;
Made bright by demons I have fought,
Or plain when thought is calm and good.

And still I pound the anvil on,
Embrace it as a birthing song
And set the chaos of creation free.
The strain is fierce, but delicate
I craft the fairest jewellery,
So ladies can feel elegant.
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