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[Xvareon]

Hello there, fellow Bay12'ers! I was originally going to put this in General Discussion, but I felt that wasn't the right place for it, since this is meant more as a request than a question or topic of discussion (although it may become one; who knows?). The reason I am making this thread is: I need friends. Friends that can give me the kind of reinforcement and inspiration to not only succeed in life, but WANT to succeed in life. Most of the people I associate with on a day-by-day basis are indeed good, decent and loyal friends, but many of them are intently focused on their own problems in life; the friend I associate with the most these days either talks about trivial matters or rants about how bad things are in his neighborhood, as the very first topic of discussion. Granted, he's an excellent source of second opinions and the perfect person to talk to if I have a problem, but it seems to me that I have to prompt him anytime I want to take the tone of the conversation in a different direction -- and even then, the first thing he does is usually find the negative angle of things. I do have two very good and very positive friends that are wonderfully inspiring, but one of them has moved to Houston, Texas to pursue full-time college classes + a job, and the other... well, let's just say that there are some lingering emotions there, right now.

The biggest disadvantage of being surrounded by people who are either negative or will not show me anything to inspire me is that it massively promotes procrastination, because it makes it much harder to see a definitive goal to strive for in life. I work far, far easier when I have someone nudging me along, or at least holding a stick and carrot in my face by sharing their own experiences with or aspirations for a career, what drives them forward, etc. etc. I seriously need that kind of reinforcement and direction. Something to aspire to. I don't really have much, at the moment. It'd take a bit long to explain my situation here fully in the limited time I have tonight, though. But still, even something as simple as regularly asking me how things are going in my life -- but not stopping when I say that I'm 'fine', and instead asking me what I've done specifically -- would help me greatly, too. I currently don't have anyone who can give me that regular nudge or spark of inspiration I often need to get myself going.

And so here is what I'm asking of you, dear reader. If you consider yourself at least a relatively optimistic person who knows what they want from life and is willing to work to achieve it; if you have developed good and constructive habits and/or ways of thinking about life and its challenges; if you genuinely want to make a difference in someone's life by inspiring them to be the best they can be; then I hope that you will at least consider talking to me. Perhaps we can become great friends that help each other out and keep them going. ^^  I would return the favor as best I could, either in the same way you would help me, or simply talking to you about whatever is on your mind. I am a very good listener, and I do enjoy helping my friends out when they have something they want to discuss, be it an idea or an issue they are facing. I'm really looking forward to meeting you!

If anyone is interested -- and I really hope at least one of you are -- then please give me a PM here, or contact me on Skype or Chatango. My contact information is below:
Skype: umbranoth
Chatango: http://setokaiva.chatango.com/
FiMFiction: Setokaiva

P.S: I have no working computer microphone right now, so I can't talk via voice. Only text. Sorry. I honestly prefer it that way, though, most of the time.

[Vector]

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[Xvareon]

I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I did kinda write this in a hurry, so I didn't iron out all those little details. No, Vector, I'm not looking for a 'coach'. You know that saying that if you surround yourself with negative people, you start to become negative; but if you surround yourself with positive people, you begin to become more optimistic and start seeing things better and from more than one angle? I've noticed that exact effect when talking to those two optimistically-minded people I mentioned in my original post, versus how I felt after a discussion with my friend about how absolutely annoyed he was at someone from a group I was part of a while back. That's what I'm talking about -- I just want to associate with people in that latter category, who are more likely to talk about an idea they have for applying a computer program or writing a story than they'd be to complain almost constantly about how bad things are at school or something.

The point:
I am NOT looking for perfection, in ANY sense of the word. I am not looking for a life coach or someone who will only talk about positive or inspiring things. I'm not naive, and I know that everyone is multi-spectrum and has their fair share of good/bad/positive/negative elements in their life to deal with. I know it sounds like I'm asking for help, or a personal therapist or "You go, man!" coach or something, but that is absolutely incorrect. I am simply looking for a friend. Or friends. Positive and negative are like both sides of a meter; I'm just making this post because I want to associate with people who aren't so far on either side of that meter as to be uninspiring, or toxic, etc.

Does that make sense? Or do I need to explain it better?

[Cheeetar]

Consider seeing a therapist if you'd just like to talk to people who are invested in seeing your life get better.

[Phmcw]

Well I do like meeting new peoples, and your approach is interesting plus I may use a bit of practice in English so I'm game.

[Caz]

Most of the people I associate with on a day-by-day basis are indeed good, decent and loyal friends, but many of them are intently focused on their own problems in life; the friend I associate with the most these days either talks about trivial matters or rants about how bad things are in his neighborhood, as the very first topic of discussion.

So you want your friends to focus on you instead of themselves... Which is exactly what you're doing? Wat. This sounds pretty selfish and not a good way go about friendship.

[nenjin]

I'm kinda with Vector and Caz. Being your friend sounds like a job instead of fun, if you're in need of someone to inspire/talk to you about your life that bad. Most of my friends set very distinct boundaries around how much they want to share, and how much they want to have shared with them.

Why exactly do YOU need someone inspire YOUR life? It sounds like you're trying to put your excuses off on someone else.

The best advice you're going to get from friends will be offered, NOT owed.

[Xvareon]

You two aren't getting it. I never said I wanted people to focus on me instead of themselves, and I NEVER wanted to put my excuses off on someone else. I fully understand and accept that people have their own problems to deal with, and I do enjoy talking to them about those and helping them either through suggestions or just through listening. I would never want someone to bottle that up just for my sake; that IS selfish, and it's simply not how friendship works. I completely agree with you that advice -- I'm just going to use that as a catch-all word, here -- should be freely given, and not feel like an obligation. I know because I've felt before, numerous times, that feeling when you are doing something you aren't comfortable with for a friend and feel like it's due to coercion, because you owed him it, or you felt obligated to do it due to group loyalties (there is a long, long story about that that I would be glad to share with you, but not right now). Why do I need someone to inspire me in my life? Because I am currently surrounded by people who are either too far on the negative side of the spectrum, unavailable to talk due to work or other things, or who are TOO far in the positive side and see only the best side of me without digging even a little, which would uncover the fact that everything is not alright with me.

Being my friend sounds like a job, huh? All I am saying here is that I want to meet new people who can give me that spark of inspiration or even just a friendly nudge now and then, because many of the people I deal with now have their own problems to contend with, and the ones who could help me are often just not online or busy. I am not going to stop talking to the friends I have that talk to me about their problems just because I meet others who take the conversation in a more constructive direction. If anything, talking to people in that latter category will help me in responding to my current friends by burning away stress and giving me something good to focus on. I am fully aware of the personal boundaries that everyone sets for themselves when it comes to sharing things with others, and I have absolutely no intention of violating that. I'm not going to dump a whole load of my issues onto someone or ask that they tell me their whole life story. Friendship is a balance of willful give-and-take, not an obligation.

This is why I said that positive and negative are like two sides of a meter. I don't want someone to bottle up their negative emotions just for my sake, because I don't want them to hurt themselves like that on my account; I would rather talk to them about whatever is bothering them instead, because it'd be the least I could do to repay them. And I also don't want people to be too far on the negative side of that meter because of all the reasons I stated above and in the last two posts -- because it forces my own perspective towards the negative side of the spectrum, making it harder for me to focus on doing things constructively. I want balance, not perfection. I thought I made that clear in my second post. Sorry if I left something else out.

[pisskop]

On completely general terms:

  Like hangs with like, and by doing things people you want to be around do you will naturally come into contact with them.
What I find when I try to hang out around 'better' people is that it requires a mentality change, or even a lifestyle change.  People are the way they are for a reason, and they gravitate towards people who tend to share the same views, activities, and stressors.

-Perhaps you need to evaluate who you want to be
-Then evaluate who that person wants to hang around
-Then decide what makes those people the way they are
-Then adopting some of their lifestyle choices, even if its just to understand what they go through or how hard it is.

Generalized, of course.  Not necessarily directly applicable to your situation.

[nenjin]

See, I've never maintained friends for anything other than the pleasure of their company. I don't pick friends because I want them to help me shape my life. I don't go find biker friends because I want their hard work ethic and focus on exercise to inspire me. I don't go hang out with college grads so their intelligence and success makes me feel like I should get my shit in gear.

So in a sense, I find what you need out of new friends a little alien because that's not how my thought process works. I can certainly understand finding new friends because they're dragging you down emotionally though. Had an entire circle of nihilistic trouble maker friends that pretty much fits that bill. But on the other side of the coin, I've never gone looking for friends to elevate me. So maybe I truly don't get where you're coming from.

[Phmcw]

See, I've never maintained friends for anything other than the pleasure of their company. I don't pick friends because I want them to help me shape my life. I don't go find biker friends because I want their hard work ethic and focus on exercise to inspire me. I don't go hang out with college grads so their intelligence and success makes me feel like I should get my shit in gear.

So in a sense, I find what you need out of new friends a little alien because that's not how my thought process works. I can certainly understand finding new friends because they're dragging you down emotionally though. Had an entire circle of nihilistic trouble maker friends that pretty much fits that bill. But on the other side of the coin, I've never gone looking for friends to elevate me. So maybe I truly don't get where you're coming from.

Never wanted to be around peoples enthusiastic about work and serious stuff for a change? I like my "party and sentimental" friends, but I like to be around peoples that have other center of interests.


More specifically, during my studies, I lacked having peoples enthusiatic about the field, and everyone being gloomy about the exams annoyed me.

[nenjin]

Never wanted to be around peoples enthusiastic about work and serious stuff for a change? I like my "party and sentimental" friends, but I like to be around peoples that have other center of interests.

Honestly? No. If I'm not going to find the motivation myself, hanging out with other people who 'lead by example' isn't going to do it for me either. Fun and sentimentality are the basis of friendship for me. Not inspiration and "being serious about serious stuff." That's almost the antithesis of friendship to me.

[Caz]

Never wanted to be around peoples enthusiastic about work and serious stuff for a change?

Yeah, you call those work colleagues.

[Antsan]

[snip]

I agree with pisskopp and Phmcw. You need to find out what your problems actually are and then find someone who is willing to deal with that instead of looking for someone who is willing do deal with generally everything. Most people probably also want something back when they give such help to you, so a good way to signal that you actually can give something is by finding that person via interaction instead of posting a request and then waiting for someone to come along.

If you are not able to do this you'll need to either hope for pure chance or pay a person which can exchange the services you need for money.

By reading your posts I have no idea whether I would be able to do what you want and I cannot really find out until I try and you tell (and show) me that it is working.
The same goes for everyone else.

Something you could try is to find a place where the stuff that you need help with is discussed generally. Try to get in there and look out for people who are helpful to you (whether intentional or not, whether specifically for you or generally – it doesn't really matter) and contact those.

[Vector]

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