I seem to recall you wanting rather badly to leave America. Do you think your recent experiences will make coming back different this time round?
Also, you’ve been a way for a while. Coming “home” may be like going to another foreign country as a lot of things are going to have changed while you were gone.
I've got a little more perspective now, a little more calmness about the state of the world and the state of the country. That should make returning easier, and to be frank, the place hasn't upended itself, and state-by-state, it won't be all that much different. I think family will be a little more important to me this time around. Country is a little like family- love it or hate it, some part of you wants to hold its name in high standard and put things right when it's not. It's not nationalism, it's home.
A little part of me thinks that maybe letting my home country go is a little like letting my last relationship go. I'd be coming back to all the things I left and none of the creature comforts I'd built for myself, but those comforts are what I idealize the most. The keenest, sharpest points of a bygone love aren't the highest highs or the lowest lows, but the little calmnesses, the bedtime ritual, the bustle to the couch with a hot bowl full of dinner and the next episode of Cowboy Bebop on the TV, that little moment as your partner falls asleep on your chest, or whatever other soft nothing that fills the space between the joys, angers, and sorrows. I know that none of that awaits me on my return, if I return, but that what comes to mind when I think about going back. I realize also that this sort of idealism is probably what destroyed that relationship to begin with- a bitter pill, that!
I'll have new priorities with family if I go and stay home, but for the moment, I'm hopeful about a future here. I don't feel particularly trapped now, that's probably the biggest change, and that's pretty wonderful. It'll only get better once I get some form of motorized vehicle to get around, too. Ask again in a week, we'll have to see where I'm at!