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[Zyr0]

Hello there, masters of fortresses and witnesses of unfortunate destinies.
Let's have some fun shall we ? You post your funniest/weirdest/most badass reports.
If I find them worthy, I'll give you an artwork.
I'm not exactly the most skilled artist on earth but I can handle myself, here's an example of my average artwork :

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

(This is actually a representation of the legendary duel between Urist Mc Captain of the militia (Not remembering his name, sorry.) and the Demon Lord at the Hamlet of Tyranny.)

• HS : Don't expect the Mona Lisa, I'll try my best to give cool results but hey, I'm no super-skilled digital artist. 
  
  
• HS2 : If you want to use those arts ( Heh, you never know ) you can post them, share them, modify them, do whatever you want, I don't care, it's free.

EDIT : I'm going to put the results of my work on this first post so it's easier to find.

- Here's a report form Button, the story of two dwarves being a little too daring for their own good :

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

tl;dr: Idiot tailor rushes a giant mantis. Swordsdwarf doesn't reach the mantis in time to rescue her. Swordsdwarf gets a foot bitten off, then his ear chopped off with one of those big creepy mantis forearm blades, then his other foot bitten off. The rest of the militia arrives while he's bleeding out and dispatches the giant mantis. Miraculously, the swordsdwarf survives his injuries (and since all the wounds were clean cuts, isn't even brought to the hospital for evaluation!) He is now retired and spends his days crawling around the tavern drinking.

- This is a report from A Thing, two commanders facing each other. Unfortunately for A Thing, his character faced a blood crazed adversary :

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This happened to the commander I was playing in a object testing arena battle (the link provides more context if you need it) the commander was female, wearing I think steel platemail, and a troll-fur toga with a cloak (I wanted clothes under the armor to some degree, so I just gave everyone togas and cloaks.)

[Zyr0]

Misspost cuz i'm stupid

[Foxite]

PTW

[Zyr0]

PTW

Oh come on, why u so mean ? Have I done anything wrong ?

I'm new to this forum (And to the DF world in general) so I don't really know what to expect. (What is the community like ? Are there things I shouldn't do or say ? Etc...)

[Foxite]

Oh come on, why u so mean ? Have I done anything wrong ?

Sorry if you thought I was being mean. "PTW" means "posting to watch". You can actually watch topics without posting, but people do it to let the OP know that they have at least one new reader (I think).

Out of curiosity, what did you think I meant?

[Zyr0]

Oh come on, why u so mean ? Have I done anything wrong ?

Sorry if you thought I was being mean. "PTW" means "posting to watch". You can actually watch topics without posting, but people do it to let the OP know that they have at least one new reader (I think).

Out of curiosity, what did you think I meant?

OOoooh, okay, I'm sorry too, I'm more used to the "Professional Time Waster" meaning. (Used to stay too long into hostile areas of the internet) But I'll know from now on, thank you. 

[NJW2000]

Would post if my fort was involved in any combat. But I don't really need images of a bunch of herbalists beating a stork man to death very, very slowly; so ptw, until I have interesting reports.

[TheBiggerFish]

But yeah, post to watch too.

You can actually watch topics without posting, but people do it to let the OP know that they have at least one new reader (I think).

The notify button and a PTW are different things, if that's what you're talking about.

If I notified on every thread I've PTW'ed it'd be a massive deluge of emails...

[Dirst]

Oh come on, why u so mean ? Have I done anything wrong ?

Sorry if you thought I was being mean. "PTW" means "posting to watch". You can actually watch topics without posting, but people do it to let the OP know that they have at least one new reader (I think).

Out of curiosity, what did you think I meant?

OOoooh, okay, I'm sorry too, I'm more used to the "Professional Time Waster" meaning. (Used to stay too long into hostile areas of the internet) But I'll know from now on, thank you.

When i tried to look it up, the top result I found was "pass the weed," which didn't make much sense in the thread's context.

[Zyr0]

Would post if my fort was involved in any combat. But I don't really need images of a bunch of herbalists beating a stork man to death very, very slowly; so ptw, until I have interesting reports.

Oh you know, funny reports will do too. Anything interesting really.

When i tried to look it up, the top result I found was "pass the weed," which didn't make much sense in the thread's context.

Wow, seems the range for miss interpretation (at least for a newbie like me) was indeed quite large.

[Button]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Feb Delerlor, Tailor cancels Store Item in Stockpile: Interrupted by a giant mantis.
The Tailor misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis snatches the Tailor in the left calf with his right lower foreleg, tearing apart the fat through the long pig tail skirt
The Tailor attacks the giant mantis but He jumps away!
Feb Delerlor, Tailor: Gruesome wounds!  This does not scare me.
The Tailor misses the giant mantis!
The Tailor loses hold of the rope reed shoe.
The Tailor loses hold of the X(giant cave spider silk sock)X.
The giant mantis bites the Tailor in the right foot and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Tailor falls over.
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the upper left back teeth with his right lower foreleg!
The Tailor punches the giant mantis in the left second foot with her left hand, chipping the chitin!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right lower foreleg on the Tailor's upper left back teeth.
The Tailor attacks the giant mantis but He jumps away!
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the right thigh with his right upper foreleg!
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's right hip with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg!
The Tailor punches the giant mantis in the left third leg with her left hand, chipping the chitin!
The giant mantis falls over.
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's right thigh with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg and the right hip collapses!
A ligament in the right hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's right upper foreleg on the Tailor's right thigh.
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's right hip with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg!
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's right thigh with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg and the right hip collapses!
A ligament in the right hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The Tailor gives in to pain.
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's right upper foreleg on the Tailor's right thigh.
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right upper foreleg on the Tailor's right thigh.
The giant mantis bites the Tailor in the head, tearing the muscle through the ramie hood.
The giant mantis latches on firmly!
The giant mantis shakes the Tailor around by the head, tearing apart the head's muscle!
An artery in the head has been opened by the attack!
The giant mantis shakes the Tailor around by the head, tearing apart the head's muscle!
An artery in the head has been opened by the attack!
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the left thigh with his left wing!
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's left hip with The giant mantis's left wing!
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's left thigh with The giant mantis's left wing and the left hip collapses!
A ligament in the left hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's left wing on the Tailor's left thigh.
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's left hip with The giant mantis's left wing!
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's left thigh with The giant mantis's left wing and the left hip collapses!
A ligament in the left hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's left wing on the Tailor's left thigh.
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's left wing on the Tailor's left thigh.
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the first finger, right hand with his right wing!
The Tailor loses hold of the ramie hood.
The giant mantis snatches the Tailor in the head with his right lower foreleg and the severed part sails off in an arc!
Rith Mozibzaneg, Swordsdwarf cancels Pickup Equipment: Interrupted by a giant mantis.
Feb Delerlor, Tailor has been found dead.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the left foot with his right lower foreleg!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the ramie shoe.
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the x(hemp sock)x.
The giant mantis bites the Swordsdwarf in the left foot and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Swordsdwarf falls over.
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis snatches the Swordsdwarf in the left ear with his right lower foreleg and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the lower right back teeth with his right wing!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right wing on the Swordsdwarf's lower right back teeth.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the xramie right mittenx with his right wing!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the ramie shoe.
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the x(hemp sock)x.
The giant mantis bites the Swordsdwarf in the right foot and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right wing on the Swordsdwarf's xramie right mittenx.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the second finger, left hand with his right second leg!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right second leg on the Swordsdwarf's second finger, left hand.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the fourth finger, left hand with his left second leg!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's left second leg on the Swordsdwarf's fourth finger, left hand.
The Swordsdwarf vomits.
Rith Mozibzaneg, Swordsdwarf: I've been injured badly.  Waaaaa...
The giant mantis strikes at the Swordsman but the shot is blocked with the (copper shield)!
The Swordsdwarf retches.
The Swordsman stabs the giant mantis in the abdomen with her *steel short sword*, tearing the muscle and tearing the guts!
A ligament has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis looks sick!
The giant mantis attacks the Swordsman but She jumps away!
The giant mantis vomits.
The giant mantis misses the Swordsman!
The Swordsman strikes the giant mantis in the left wing with the pommel of her *steel short sword*, fracturing it!
The giant mantis attacks the Swordsman but She jumps away!
The flying ({bismuth bronze bolt}) strikes the giant mantis in the head, tearing the muscle and tearing the brain!
A ligament has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis has been knocked unconscious!
The ({bismuth bronze bolt}) has lodged firmly in the wound!
The Swordsdwarf vomits.

tl;dr: Idiot tailor rushes a giant mantis. Swordsdwarf doesn't reach the mantis in time to rescue her. Swordsdwarf gets a foot bitten off, then his ear chopped off with one of those big creepy mantis forearm blades, then his other foot bitten off. The rest of the militia arrives while he's bleeding out and dispatches the giant mantis. Miraculously, the swordsdwarf survives his injuries (and since all the wounds were clean cuts, isn't even brought to the hospital for evaluation!) He is now retired and spends his days crawling around the tavern drinking.

Edited to remove redundancies (lots of vomiting), stuff unrelated to combat, characters that weren't rendering properly, and grabs followed immediately by releases.

[Zyr0]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Feb Delerlor, Tailor cancels Store Item in Stockpile: Interrupted by a giant mantis.
The Tailor misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis snatches the Tailor in the left calf with his right lower foreleg, tearing apart the fat through the long pig tail skirt
The Tailor attacks the giant mantis but He jumps away!
Feb Delerlor, Tailor: Gruesome wounds!  This does not scare me.
The Tailor misses the giant mantis!
The Tailor loses hold of the rope reed shoe.
The Tailor loses hold of the X(giant cave spider silk sock)X.
The giant mantis bites the Tailor in the right foot and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Tailor falls over.
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the upper left back teeth with his right lower foreleg!
The Tailor punches the giant mantis in the left second foot with her left hand, chipping the chitin!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right lower foreleg on the Tailor's upper left back teeth.
The Tailor attacks the giant mantis but He jumps away!
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the right thigh with his right upper foreleg!
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's right hip with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg!
The Tailor punches the giant mantis in the left third leg with her left hand, chipping the chitin!
The giant mantis falls over.
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's right thigh with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg and the right hip collapses!
A ligament in the right hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's right upper foreleg on the Tailor's right thigh.
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's right hip with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg!
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's right thigh with The giant mantis's right upper foreleg and the right hip collapses!
A ligament in the right hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The Tailor gives in to pain.
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's right upper foreleg on the Tailor's right thigh.
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right upper foreleg on the Tailor's right thigh.
The giant mantis bites the Tailor in the head, tearing the muscle through the ramie hood.
The giant mantis latches on firmly!
The giant mantis shakes the Tailor around by the head, tearing apart the head's muscle!
An artery in the head has been opened by the attack!
The giant mantis shakes the Tailor around by the head, tearing apart the head's muscle!
An artery in the head has been opened by the attack!
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the left thigh with his left wing!
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's left hip with The giant mantis's left wing!
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's left thigh with The giant mantis's left wing and the left hip collapses!
A ligament in the left hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's left wing on the Tailor's left thigh.
The giant mantis locks the Tailor's left hip with The giant mantis's left wing!
The giant mantis bends the Tailor's left thigh with The giant mantis's left wing and the left hip collapses!
A ligament in the left hip has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis releases the joint lock of The giant mantis's left wing on the Tailor's left thigh.
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's left wing on the Tailor's left thigh.
The giant mantis grabs the Tailor by the first finger, right hand with his right wing!
The Tailor loses hold of the ramie hood.
The giant mantis snatches the Tailor in the head with his right lower foreleg and the severed part sails off in an arc!
Rith Mozibzaneg, Swordsdwarf cancels Pickup Equipment: Interrupted by a giant mantis.
Feb Delerlor, Tailor has been found dead.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the left foot with his right lower foreleg!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the ramie shoe.
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the x(hemp sock)x.
The giant mantis bites the Swordsdwarf in the left foot and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Swordsdwarf falls over.
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis snatches the Swordsdwarf in the left ear with his right lower foreleg and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the lower right back teeth with his right wing!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right wing on the Swordsdwarf's lower right back teeth.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the xramie right mittenx with his right wing!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the ramie shoe.
The Swordsdwarf loses hold of the x(hemp sock)x.
The giant mantis bites the Swordsdwarf in the right foot and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right wing on the Swordsdwarf's xramie right mittenx.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the second finger, left hand with his right second leg!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's right second leg on the Swordsdwarf's second finger, left hand.
The giant mantis grabs the Swordsdwarf by the fourth finger, left hand with his left second leg!
The Swordsdwarf misses the giant mantis!
The giant mantis releases the grip of The giant mantis's left second leg on the Swordsdwarf's fourth finger, left hand.
The Swordsdwarf vomits.
Rith Mozibzaneg, Swordsdwarf: I've been injured badly.  Waaaaa...
The giant mantis strikes at the Swordsman but the shot is blocked with the (copper shield)!
The Swordsdwarf retches.
The Swordsman stabs the giant mantis in the abdomen with her *steel short sword*, tearing the muscle and tearing the guts!
A ligament has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis looks sick!
The giant mantis attacks the Swordsman but She jumps away!
The giant mantis vomits.
The giant mantis misses the Swordsman!
The Swordsman strikes the giant mantis in the left wing with the pommel of her *steel short sword*, fracturing it!
The giant mantis attacks the Swordsman but She jumps away!
The flying ({bismuth bronze bolt}) strikes the giant mantis in the head, tearing the muscle and tearing the brain!
A ligament has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The giant mantis has been knocked unconscious!
The ({bismuth bronze bolt}) has lodged firmly in the wound!
The Swordsdwarf vomits.

tl;dr: Idiot tailor rushes a giant mantis. Swordsdwarf doesn't reach the mantis in time to rescue her. Swordsdwarf gets a foot bitten off, then his ear chopped off with one of those big creepy mantis forearm blades, then his other foot bitten off. The rest of the militia arrives while he's bleeding out and dispatches the giant mantis. Miraculously, the swordsdwarf survives his injuries (and since all the wounds were clean cuts, isn't even brought to the hospital for evaluation!) He is now retired and spends his days crawling around the tavern drinking.

Edited to remove redundancies (lots of vomiting), stuff unrelated to combat, characters that weren't rendering properly, and grabs followed immediately by releases.

Allrighty ! Work in progress.

EDIT : Your report being quite long, I decided to make a comic. Here's the first part :



To be continued of course.

HS : Sorry about the pixels, don't know what happened here.

[Button]

Glee!

[PTTG??]

Adorable. Speaking of adorable, I recall the time I built an above-ground clay fortress complete with open-air courtyards. Then we got sieged by the undead. My militia was slaughtered to a man, and ultimately the only survivors were four or five children in one of these courtyards, the doors all locked, and only a tiny supply of food. They didn't need to wait for starvation, though; after milling around on the roof for a while, the zombies decided to "drop in"...

[Zyr0]

Adorable. Speaking of adorable, I recall the time I built an above-ground clay fortress complete with open-air courtyards. Then we got sieged by the undead. My militia was slaughtered to a man, and ultimately the only survivors were four or five children in one of these courtyards, the doors all locked, and only a tiny supply of food. They didn't need to wait for starvation, though; after milling around on the roof for a while, the zombies decided to "drop in"...

Hehe, typical Dwarf Fortress "fun".