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Author Topic: Asking for help with loneliness  (Read 5375 times)

Tiruin

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #30 on: July 07, 2016, 09:24:11 pm »

Well... any particular rpg forums? I didn't have the best of luck with them.
Bay12? :P

Seriously though, if you are feeling lonely, getting involved with an existing community is the way to go. The people here are pretty solid. An IRL club or whatever would be a great idea.
You say you prefer one-to-one, which is completely fair, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect close friendships right off the bat. You need to build up to that, and the first step is simply engaging with people.
Well... maybe I should try that, too.
There's also the note of wanting to be with people--not necessarily in those words, there's at least the idea that you aren't estranged from them. Your perception affects your interactions; people are social by nature, and the social experience makes up most of their lives (cognitively and otherwise). As noted from that point above--where you do say 'everyone is different from me', that already creates a basis to act on, so...it then becomes more comfortable doing only online talks at the moment because of that, because of that vague idea of everyone being too different to find common ground on. There comes a point where this may be more self-enforced than realistic, and you'll only know this difference when you begin branching out.

Pencil_Art has a very good point, as the youngest among us. Wherever you go and no matter what you try, in the least don't separate yourself in idea and in perception from other people. Be ok with meeting others. Be ok with being with others, and that helps you not be lonely by a longshot. If you have any thoughts that do separate you from other people, perception or otherwise, it will help to express them one day. If there's anywhere to start out on, it's in knowing and believing that being expressive with your concerns--and that others do have solutions to them even if initially uncomfortable--can be done with "the generic other people".

Would love to share my story with loneliness but unsure if you'd be ok with it. But it does fall under good stuff :P
What kind of interests do you have (other than the Interwebs)?
Roleplaying, video games, talks about good things.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2016, 09:30:58 pm by Tiruin »
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Detoxicated

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #31 on: July 14, 2016, 05:35:47 am »

Did you know that babies strive better if they are regularly hugged and kissed. Physical contact is very important and face to face meetings too. Your loneliness will not go away by speaking with forum avatars.

You asked for help here, so listen to the advices made to you, as i evaluated all of them as not harmful.

You are not only lonely, you are full of fear of people. Grab hold of that, not all people are unlike you, afterall your genetic makeup is 99.9% equal to all surrounding you. You belong to the group of people in your area, your city, your country, you are human. Your nature forbids eremitism.

But you have come to a good place to fight your loneliness, people here on lifeadvice/bay12 are very educated and helpful, most of the time, and if you open up to their suggestions you will succeed.

People have failed you in the past, but that does not mean they'll do it again.

I wish you success in your goal...
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Sam Polson

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #32 on: August 09, 2016, 11:42:47 am »

Did you know that babies strive better if they are regularly hugged and kissed. Physical contact is very important and face to face meetings too. Your loneliness will not go away by speaking with forum avatars.

You asked for help here, so listen to the advices made to you, as i evaluated all of them as not harmful.

You are not only lonely, you are full of fear of people. Grab hold of that, not all people are unlike you, afterall your genetic makeup is 99.9% equal to all surrounding you. You belong to the group of people in your area, your city, your country, you are human. Your nature forbids eremitism.

But you have come to a good place to fight your loneliness, people here on lifeadvice/bay12 are very educated and helpful, most of the time, and if you open up to their suggestions you will succeed.

People have failed you in the past, but that does not mean they'll do it again.

I wish you success in your goal...
When you're going without conversations at all for months, if not years, you don't care, if you're talking with avatars, or real persons. You just need to talk. And that's what I feel right now. I wish somebody would talk to me... well, somebody I can understand.
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Tiruin

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2016, 12:06:02 pm »

My advice for you is to communicate in turn; improve your own communication if you can't understand certain things, or work with the other person because everyone is pretty much open and reasonable. I've been quiet about this because this has run in PMs for the recent weeks, and...the responses on your part could do with a lot less passive-aggression, and being...considerate.
I didn't have any problem with talking to practcally anyone, before. We're just too different, that's all
I feel like talking, just not with you. Sorry
Making conclusions like these don't help. :-\ Especially when you make vague statements referring to something you aren't directly talking about, it doesn't give a clear message.

When you're going without conversations at all for months, if not years, you don't care, if you're talking with avatars, or real persons. You just need to talk. And that's what I feel right now.
This is common with people who may lack others to listen to them; people who don't have an outlet to tell their concerns.
But personally, Detoxicated has points you can learn a lot from. In the recent weeks...I received little to nothing on your part. :-\ Messages for days would be composed of single words, or one-line sentences.

Branch out. Talk to people. Get on IRC channels. See others as important in your life. Work with others rather than forming conclusions outright, like you've done to me because of first impressions. >_< Saying positive ideas that you sincerely mean in your message to others also brings yourself a reflection of what you're saying. And don't stop with the internet in your communication; use what's present there to help you. Landlines, therapists, and other ways and forms of communication. You can't limit yourself to the internet and find solace through that alone. Whenever you have the opportunity, online or offline, talk with people, get to know them, find similarities...and see others just as you'd see yourself.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2016, 12:19:45 pm by Tiruin »
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Parsely

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #34 on: August 09, 2016, 12:18:20 pm »

Gently prod topics you like when you're at work. One of my coworkers turned out to be someone who actually does a lot of work on a Rome: Total War mod and I wouldn't have known if I didn't try talking about video games.
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WillowLuman

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2016, 12:48:48 pm »

Negative self talk ain't the answer.  Believe in yourself, whether it's true belief or forced fake belief, it doesn't matter, it IS needed.  To get a start, and to make any sort of change.

This. A thousands times this. It might feel fake at first, but telling yourself positive things about yourself really will start to sink in if you keep at it.

Online gaming is a good way to work slowly into being less lonely. Find a good group of players who use voice chat, as it makes a world of difference in feeling connected. Faceless communication is different than face-to-face but it's a quick, easy and mostly costless way to get some cheap companionship. And you can have fun at the same time too.

I guess that'd be me my cautionary advice to you. Simply not wanting to be alone is not a great motivation for someone to hang out with you. Shared interests, shared activities are the lubricant of friendships.

Getting involved with a gaming group would be a very good way to start. Even if you're just seeking one-on-one, you can probably progress to that with members of the group after playing with them for a while.

Failing that, this forum is probably one of the best RP ones there is. Check the "Forum Games and Roleplaying" section and find something interesting. Playing an online game with voice chat is also a good idea, as being able to talk to people out loud helps establish a connection.

Didn't really answer some my question SP. Do you have a job? Are you still in school? Do you have actual opportunities to meet people and get to know them or are you having to invent them all?

I'm a really big introvert. I often feel "different and weird" and awkward compared to people around me. It's easy as an introvert to reduce your chances for social interaction to zero if you let yourself, then feel bad for being isolated.

Truth is, you just have to be out there, be relaxed and hope for the best. A job and/or school (hopefully not high school) are chances to meet people. The secret to meeting people once you're around them is ask about them. Ask about the stuff they're into like you're genuinely interested in the answer (and you should be since you want to meet people.) Just be relaxed and be honest and you'll find people that want to know you will seek you out. Be calm and not self-pitying enough to be funny, smart, gracious. Because if you walk around with a black cloud over your head or surrounded by your own self pity, people see that and they ask "Do I really want to hang out with someone who is this hard on themselves/angry/sad." I'm not saying all that to be mean, it's just truth. If you want people to want to get to know you, you have to show them the best of yourself.

I mean, here's an example.....I've been sitting here asking you questions about yourself and you have.....nothing to say. You haven't really told me or anyone anything other than generalities about how you've tried everything and nothing works and, sorry, but "oh woe is me." Think on that.

This, I think, is what I've been trying to tell you for a while. Focusing on the negative, on the misery, leads to a downwards spiral, an interaction that takes more and more emotional energy to keep up. Finding positive things to discuss will also mean thinking along positive lines more often.
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Sam Polson

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2016, 01:27:17 pm »

Getting involved into a gaming group sounds fun, but I don't think I would be able to share the thing that saddens me and get something more than just mocking.
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Tiruin

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #37 on: August 09, 2016, 01:37:31 pm »

Sometimes you don't need to share it outright. You can branch out, work on other areas. Go in for the fun and learning, meet new experiences as they are. Seeing it as mocking will put you down though; there's a lot of ways on how others can react.
It's not like you're limited in that regard.

And most importantly, develop your EQ. One's feelings of loneliness is also connected to one's EQ in a major way. Empathy and other characteristics alongside it.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2016, 03:24:15 am by Tiruin »
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Catmeat

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #38 on: August 23, 2016, 06:31:12 am »

Do you want to have coitus?
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Reelya

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Re: Asking for help with loneliness
« Reply #39 on: August 23, 2016, 08:03:47 am »

There's your problem.  You need people in real life.
People in real life have drastically different lifestyles, purposes, desires, etc. than me. I'm kinda of an odd one around here. So finding people in the web is much more likely.

Find out about any clubs or groups in your are. Surely some people ... play chess or somesuch.

Activities ia the answer, not "plz be my friend". Find group activities and join in, focus on just doing the activity, whether offline or online this is a good first step. Also, find web games that have lobby / chat built in, ask question get involved. One good source of communication is sharing knowledge with others. For online games, many players enjoy acting as a "mentor" in the later stages once they have detailed game knowledge. You get community respect and the feeling of helping others.

Getting involved into a gaming group sounds fun, but I don't think I would be able to share the thing that saddens me and get something more than just mocking.

It sounds like you're looking for someone who you can just bounce off things you want to say, and they'll respond how you like. That's called a therapist, and it's a very one-way communication. Things don't really work like that. People talk to each other through mutual exchange - there needs to be some emotional payoff for both sides. The goal shouldn't be to dump "things that sadden you" on some random stranger, the goal is to build up positive interactions. Hopefully you find fun things to talk about that more than balance out the sad things in your life so they're not as important.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 08:36:31 am by Reelya »
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