The writing's pretty stilted, especially dialog (which is just... strange - although that may be intentional), there are multiple misspelled words, the action's hard to follow, and there's a noticeable discrepancy in detail when you're describing the character's weapons versus when you're talking about anything else which is quite distracting. Also, I don't think that the swap over to the pig's point of view really works.
Now, to put some 'constructive' into that criticism, I actually decided to do a full re-write of the story: (note - this is all just
, take it as you will. Someone else may very well come along and say my version's worse than yours.)
I decided to leave as much of the dialog alone as possible, although I heavily modified the ending.
"Belay...wake up, Belay."
*Snorfle* Belay grunted, slowly waking, "Mmmmmmm, what want you?"
"If I stay awake, you stay awake." Cornchip said, leaning against the stalk of the mushroom tree where Belay had fallen asleep.
"The roof lichens have grown dim. Let me sleep, Cornchip." Belay said, closing his eyes.
"But we must watch for cave piggys; we keep the shroom field safe!" Cornchip said, pushing off the stalk and standing at attention.
"Just wake me, you, when piggy gets here." Belay said, his voice drifting off as he rolled over.
Cornchip glared at Belay’s sleeping form and grunted, then leaned back against the wide stalk of the mushroom. “If not for me, piggy would walk up to Belay's snout and say ‘Hi, I’m a deadly piggy; I just met you, and isn’t this crazy, but maybe I’d like to eat you.’” He grumbled under his breath, staring off into the distance.
Around him spread the forest of tree-sized greatshrooms, interrupted only by carefully cultivated fields of small fragile mushrooms, various tasty beetles, and a few "feety worms," all dimly illuminated by the ceiling lichens overhead.
“Same sights as ever,” thought Cornchip, head shaking as he yawned widely, showing off his canines. Without even noticing he’d done it, he found himself sitting against the mushroom tree’s stalk, and shortly after his snores joined those of Belay.
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*Squee...* *Squeee...* *Trampling noises...* *Chewing noises...* *Snifflesnifflesniffle...* *Snort!*
Cornchip was sleeping. He was sleeping in the comfort only obtainable by sleeping when one is not supposed to be. Something nuzzled against his whiskers, causing him to twitch his nose. The nuzzling stopped… but only for a moment before it returned again, tickling his muzzle. Still not fully awake, he swatted at the irritant, his paw connecting with something solid, and the feeling stopped. He breathed a sigh of relief, and was about to return to deep sleep when his whiskers were once again assaulted.
Rubbing his face in frustration, Cornchip stretched as he opened his eyes, blinking. Suddenly, his eyes went wide, and his arms, still mid-stretch, froze in place.
"Belay... Belay, a cave piggy is staring at me." Cornchip whispered hoarsely.
"Mmmmmhhhg, leave me alone. Don't wake me unless the boss lady shows up."
"Belay! There is a piggy. He's looking at me."
"It’s just the lichens on the walls, yes, tricking you into seeing glowing eyes."
"Open an eye Belay, just one. Please, pretty please."
Finally stirring, Belay let out a frustrated sigh that suddenly deepened into a breathless wheeze as his eyes focused in the gloom.
"Cornchip, you’ve got a Piggy. Right there. At your snout."
"Is what I said, yes." Cornchip replied, still trying to hold perfectly still.
"Be still. I'll get it." Belay slowly unfolded himself, paw reaching for the spear that lay behind him. He could feel its comfortable weight in his hand, as he turned its ungainly point – once the broken sword of a now long-dead Lega, which his father’s father had slain – towards the pig.
The cave pig stood nearly as tall as the guards, and it outweighed both of them put together. Bits of mushroom fell from its toothy mouth as it menacingly chewed. Its stupid, beady eyes gave a blank stare, which despite being aimless, still managed to convey a bestial hatred of all things.
Belay hefted his spear in both hands, pads squishing into the hardness of the shaft, nails scratching further lines into the wood, elbows ready to thrust its payload of stabbiness forwards.
"No one eats our bosses’ plants!" Belay shouted as he struck, stabbing the pig in its meaty shoulder, burying the tip all the way up to the shaft.
The pig's eyes suddenly grew two sizes as its head suddenly swiveled from Cornchip towards Belay. With a *squeee* of rage, it rose majestically on its hind legs, taking Belay’s spear with it, knocking Belay to the ground.
Dazed, Belay attempted to get to his feet as the pig charged straight for him. In a panic, he jumped straight up, trying to jump over the great beast. Clearing its head, he landed on its back, but was barely there for a moment before the enraged beast started bucking wildly, throwing Belay off to crash into the ground.
Cornchip had used the distraction to grab his own stone-tipped short spear and wicker buckler. "Belay, what we do?" Cornchip quivered, ears down and tail between his legs.
“Ughhhh" groaned Belay, slowly righting himself; “the tree! Get in the tree!”
Both guards scrambled for the shaft of the mushroom they’d just been sleeping against. The pig had stopped bucking, and was making a quick turn, bringing its glowing eyes, so full of hate, back towards the two. With an enraged *squee*, it charged towards them, hooves digging divots out of the soft ground as it built up speed.
Belay had managed to shimmy up the smooth shaft, panic giving him previously-unknown climbing skills; but Cornchip remained at the base, unwilling to drop his weapon and shield, but unable to climb while holding them.
“Look out!” Belay cried, as the pig charged into the mushroom.
Cornchip fell backwards, shield blocking the terrifying sight that was about to trample him, spear dropping from numb fingers.
A massive *clonk* rung out and the air was filled with a white cloud of spores. Belay yelled out in surprise as the mushroom twisted under him and he was thrown off his perch, falling to the ground with a crash.
“Ugghh,” Belay groaned, “Cornchip? You okay?”
"Belay, look! Look with eyes," came Cornchip's voice, trembling with excitement.
Belay slowly opened his eyes, scared of what he might see. The pig’s massive form was unmoving, leaning against the stalk of the mushroom. The shaft of Belay’s spear still dangled from one shoulder, but what had stopped it was Cornchip’s spear, which had lodged against the mushroom, punching through the pig’s chest, spitting it cleanly through.
Cornchip gave a toothy grin from where he lay on the far side of the mushroom.
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The delicious sent of cooking meat filled the air as the lichen overhead slowly grew brighter with the start of a new day.
The pig’s carcass hung suspended over a low fire, still spitted on Cornchip’s spear. Grease dripped into the flames with a sizzle.
"I see that you’ve earned your rocks today, boys;" said a voice out of the darkness.
"We killed a cave piggy and..."
"Yes, Cornchip, I can see that,” Ooola said, giving a handful of smooth richly colored rocks to Cornchip and Belay, “if only all my watchmen were as professional as you two, I would never worry again.”
Chopping off generous portions of the roasted pig with his spear and stuffing them into a sack, Belay and Cornchip grinned at one another as they headed along the road that would take them home.
“We’ve got rocks, and we’ve got meat - you know what this means, Cornchip?”
“Beer and piggy, piggy and beer, beer and piggy!” Cried Cornchip.
Author
Topic: zubb's ingenious stories (Read 1146 times)