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Author Topic: "Ongu" - A Dwarf Fortress Inspired Story  (Read 396 times)

Brokuya

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"Ongu" - A Dwarf Fortress Inspired Story
« on: April 27, 2017, 10:31:06 pm »

Testing the waters to see if you guys enjoy my writing!
Here is the first chapter of (hopefully) many.
Please post any constructive criticisms.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9Jd3FPCLvegV1dIWGRzdVdrMHc/view
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eerr

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Re: "Ongu" - A Dwarf Fortress Inspired Story
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2017, 11:18:15 am »

"Cold, all around him, an encompassing mass of ice and black."
Something, at the location of person, stuff that is around him.
What did the cold do?
Did the cold arounded him?
Did the cold encompass him?

"Except in his lungs, a deep flame of choking, punctuated by spastic coughs."
At this place, thing that does something, and other things happened.
What did the deep flame do?
Did the deep flame choke him?


"A plume of dust ejected from his mouth as he rolled over on the hard, cold surface."

A plume of dust ejected from his mouth
Passive voice??? He ejected a plume of dust. He is Acting on (creating) the dust.

These sentences should be long because of details, not artificially slapped together for extra length.
When you write for drama, never substitute the pace of story for the pace of reading speed.
No matter how badass it seems, you don't need to make a sense of urgency, or a sense of long duration, by dragging out your sentences, or your descriptions.
Imagine talking like this, but with no need to drag out your words.
Heeeeeeeey Buuuuuuudddddyyy Whhhhaaaat RRR UUUU DOOOOOING.
You can inferred or describe pacing with words, rather than malformations of sentences. (I fall into this trap too!)


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