Prompt: A dark, gritty character attempts to retain his dignity in a world full of lighthearted anime-esque shenanigans.
An Odd Day in an Odd Place
Mr. Hawkins tapped his foot as he waited for the cab he called over his phone to arrive. Mr. Hawkins was fairly sure that the cab should have already arrived. Perhaps on a different day he might have been less impatient. But today, his briefcase actually had papers in it. Though he had the habit of bringing his briefcase with him for its use as a shield and bludgeon, he only put papers in it when he needed them for a case.
Finally, the cab pulled up. Thankfully, it was painted with blatant orange paint. “Not yellow. Good.” Mr. Hawkins frowned, then sighed when he remembered he was trying not to talk to himself.
Mr. Hawkins opened the cab’s front side door and hopped inside. Standard orange jumpsuit on the driver. Not yellow. Good.
“Ah. Mr. Hawkins. Where to?”
“The courthouse.”
“Of course.”
The driver of the Orange Cab Company took off.
Mr. Hawkins was more than willing to strike up a conversation with the driver.
“How’s business?”
“Not very good, unfortunately. We keep being outraced by the other Cab Companies.”
“Shame. Orange is the only good one around here. Yellow always takes the scenic route with me—I suspect they’re trying to sabotage me, but I can’t prove a thing. Red gets me to my destination quickly, but it’s always a bit too fast, and that punk rock they play… ugh. Blue only runs on the canal system. I would be willing to take them, but I don’t live in the district with the canals. Which was it? Eleven? Nine? Thirty-two?”
“What about the rest?”
“Are you playing a joke on me? Okay, I suppose Green might be considerable, but as for White and Black?”
“There’s a Black Cab Company?”
“Not common knowledge. In order to ride with them, you have to sign away your firstborn child, among other things. The privilege of being able to choose to ride with them instead of any other Cab Company isn’t really worth that.”
“Huh. My wife might be interested in that. She’s sterile.”
“They have a clause for that.”
“Shame. So… what do you think of the Green Cab Company?”
“A lot like the Orange Cab Company, actually. The only problem being they have horrible legal security. They’ve been a case study for a poorly defended firm in Oddplace Legal School, actually. It would be far too easy for my legal opponents to lawyer them to delay me. No serious lawyer takes the Green Cab Company if they can help it. Sadly, they often can’t, due to this city’s idiotic taxi laws.”
“Some people would argue that this city’s taxi laws are part of its charm.”
“You mean to say that people actually like not being able to choose what taxi company they travel with?”
“I think it’s more of the surprise factor, really. You never know what your experience will be.”
“Madness.”
“Mr. Hawkins, we’re all mad here.”
“I’m not.”
“Not yet.”
Perhaps the conversation would have continued if the driver hadn’t slammed on the brakes.
Mr. Hawkins’ attention switched to what caused the brakes. Then he scowled. “What gave that bastard Captain Power the right to hold his book signing in the middle of the bloody street?”
“You’re a lawyer. Shouldn’t you know this?”
“I’m a bit too angry to call up my memory of superhero law right now. Actually, I have a better question now. Why does Captain Power have the right to hold his book signing in the middle of the bloody street?”
“The law.”
“Next question: why are Oddplace’s laws the sort that give such rights to superheroes? Why do they get the privilege of messing everything up for us mundane folks?”
“Because of the public service they provide for Oddplace?”
“Can’t they be compensated some other way?”
“If you don’t like it, run for office.”
“Madness.”
“Then don’t complain.”
“Alright. Can you find an alternate route to the courthouse now, please?”
“Can do.” The driver began to back up… then braked again.
“What bloody now?” Mr. Hawkins turned to look out the back window… “To think I thought today was going to be sane. Well, at least Doctor Diabolical might be able to get Captain Power to get out of the way.”
The robot legion that was advancing behind Mr. Hawkins’ cab wasn’t the sort of thing that could be driven through, after all.
“Captain Power! It is I, Doctor Diabolical! My latest scheme unfolds!”
Mr. Hawkins put his head in his hands. “Why do these things happen?”
The driver pondered the question. “Who can know?” The question echoed in Mr. Hawkins’ mind.
“Doctor Diabolical! How dare you crash my book signing!”
“Do you really think you can stop me, Captain Power? As you can see, my latest creation is more than capable of defeating you! Electro-bot, attack!”
The towering monstrosity that was the Electro-bot unleashed a hail of lightning bolts that promptly changed direction in mid-air to strike a variety of metal objects. Including the taxi-cab that Mr. Hawkins was riding in. Mr. Hawkins closed his eyes when he noticed the surprisingly slowly moving electricity swerve towards his cab, expecting to have to tough out some pain. No such thing occurred. Mr. Hawkins slowly opened his eyes. “I’m… unharmed?” If he had gone into scientific study, he might have known that a metal car could act as a faraday cage, providing complete protection against electricity for anybody not touching the metal part of the car. For instance, Mr. Hawkins.
The driver wasn’t so lucky. As soon as Mr. Hawkins noticed that the driver was out cold, he moved over and felt the driver’s chest. “Still breathing.” Mr. Hawkins didn’t bother to admonish himself for talking to himself. Now wasn’t the time for such a thing. Mr. Hawkins surveyed the area. Doctor Diabolical and Captain Power were duking it out. Or rather, Captain Power was duking it out with Doctor Diabolical’s robots. Then Mr. Hawkins had a stupid idea.
Mr. Hawkins almost dismissed it without contemplation. But after surveying the situation, he decided to give it a go. He needed to get to his case without being late. Doing that meant getting the madness out of the way. The sooner the fight was over, the sooner he could resume travel to the courthouse.
Mr. Hawkins slowly opened the car door, and crept out, holding his briefcase. “Ha ha ha ha! As you can see, citizens, Captain Power is useless against my Electro-bot! Surrender to my rule now or be—“ Mr. Hawkins swung his briefcase around and slammed it into Doctor Diabolical’s head.
Mr. Hawkins silently mused that perhaps Doctor Diabolical’s choice not to bring power armor was an idiotic one. On the other hand, Captain Power never actually managed to hit Doctor Diabolical, always being occupied with his robots. Mr. Hawkins gazed down at Doctor Diabolical’s downed body… which was sparking, as if it was a robot. Actually, given how Doctor Diabolical’s smashed open head looked, perhaps it was a robot body double. Mr. Hawkins had heard that robot themed supervillains liked to use those.
Mr. Hawkins gazed up at the other robots, which were fleeing into portals as was their custom when defeated. Captain Power was punching the Electro-bot full of holes. Good. Perhaps now he could get his book selling out of the way so that he could get to the courthouse… with a knocked out taxi driver. Blast.
Wasn’t there a legal rule for this? Mr. Hawkins furrowed his brow as he thought. If he was paying attention, he would have noticed that he was muttering under his breath. The train of thought Mr. Hawkins had accumulated was destroyed as if by a superhero’s punch when Captain Power clapped his hand down on Mr. Hawkins shoulders. He was speaking. “As you can see, even an ordinary citizen can make a difference against a supervillain when the time is right! Precisely what time is right to do so can be found in chapter four of my earlier book Anti-Villain Super Maximum Tactics, available at a 50% discount upon purchase of A Powerful Life! As for this gentleman—“
“No. No free book copies. Please. Can you please just invoke code Alpha-293-Epsilon-Phi-Fox-12 so I can drive to the courthouse I’m due at? I have a case to get to.”
“… that is a very good suggestion! The law waits for nobody! Our citizen here is a lawyer, and is called to the court to do battle! In my capacity as a superhero, I invoke code Alpha-293-Epsilon-Phi-Fox-12 to allow him to drive that Orange Cab Company vessel to the courthouse where he is due!”
“Thank you.” Mr. Hawkins picked up his briefcase, then walked to the orange taxi. Mr. Hawkins was a strong enough man to move the taxi driver’s body onto the passenger’s seat. With that, he closed the door and began taking a detour. As much as he would have liked Captain Power to move his book signing off the street, there was a detour he could make that would let him get to the courthouse barely on time, assuming nothing else happened. It was a good thing that Mr. Hawkins could drive. Within Oddplace, nobody other than the Cab Company drivers learned to drive, but Mr. Hawkins came in from outside at an age where he had already learned.
Mr. Hawkins drove in silence until the cab’s original driver awoke. “Uuuugh. What… happened?”
“You were knocked unconscious by Doctor Diabolical’s robot.”
“And… why are you… driving my car?”
“Because you were unconscious.”
“… can we trade places now?”
As it happened, the cab was at a red light. Mr. Hawkins put the cab in park and opened his door. The driver did much the same. Mr. Hawkins and the driver were in the process of trading seats when a large van pulled up next to them. The van was oddly decorated. If Mr. Hawkins had recognized the paint job even a moment later, the pirates would have gotten him. Instead, his briefcase was ready to smack the Captain in the face before the Captain could abduct him. The Captain fell to the road, stunned.
Mr. Hawkins leaped into the passenger seat of the orange cab as quickly as he could. The door slammed shut. “Drive! Now!” The driver floored it, ignoring the red light. Mr. Hawkins wasn’t worried. Code Omega-593-Delta-Phi-Raven-43 permitted the running of red lights if one was attempting escape from criminals, provided the criminals were trying an abduction and it was Tuesday. It was Tuesday.
“After ‘em! We’ll show dem landlubbers not to mess with the Pirates!”
“Aye aye, Captain!” With that, a car chase began. Mr. Hawkins recalled another reason he liked the Orange Cab Company: they made vehicle combat training mandatory… and they stocked anti-vehicle measures in their cabs. “Caltrops?” The driver nodded, then pressed a button underneath his dashboard. Shortly afterwards, Mr. Hawkins heard the sound of popping tires. Looking out the back window showed that the pirates had given up, turning down a different street.
“Floor it. I don’t want to be late.”
“But—“
“I’m fairly sure I can nullify the speeding penalties, given the pirate interference and the fact that you’re driving me to work.” The sound of the engine grew as the orange cab accelerated.
Before too long, the pair were at the Oddplace Courthouse, the one and only location where legal battles were held in Oddplace. “And… we’re here, Mr. Hawkins. Phone?”
Mr. Hawkins obliged, taking out his phone and tapping it to a specific part of the cab, the payment reader. A few taps added an extra tip.
“Glad to drive you, Mr. Hawkins!”
“Glad to be driven, driver!” Mr. Hawkins tossed back the standard thanks for being driven somewhere in a cab. Other thanks weren’t available on most days.
Mr. Hawkins ascended the courthouse staircase. Once he entered, he went past the foyer to get to the trial court, where the case would be heard.
Nobody was there. Mr. Hawkins frowned, and walked to the front desk. He dispensed with the usual pleasantries. “There’s not time. Where is case 30295 being held?”
“Room 309, sir.”
Mr. Hawkins didn’t bother to give any thanks. Rather, he ran to the elevator.
A few minutes later, he finally reached the room where the trial was being held.
The opposing attorney smiled wickedly at Mr. Hawkins. “Ah. Mr. Hawkins. You’re late. Motion: punishment of Mr. Hawkins for lateness.”
Mr. Hawkins was thankfully trained for such a thing. Ordinarily, under the current circumstances at least, there would be nothing he could do, however… “Objection! Under code Alpha-294-Epsilon-Phi-Fox-34, a part-time superhero is given leeway on lateness laws—three times as much as normal!”
This surprised the opponent lawyer. “Part-time superhero?”
“To qualify as a part-time superhero, one must have a day job and fit the qualifications for being a superhero that the day job does not nullify! Earlier this morning, I defeated Doctor Diabolical with a surprise attack, as well as the Captain! One supervillain fight, one mundane crime-stopping!”
The opponent lawyer fell silent. “Objection sustained.” Mr. Hawkins breathed a sigh of relief. Today wouldn’t be the day he had the chicken costume code pinned on him. Now he could counterattack. “Motion to dismiss case due to improper venue!”
“Objection! Adequate warning was provided of the change of case location!”
“Warning?”
“A letter was sent to Mr. Hawkins’ home this morning warning about the change in venue.”
“Counter-objection! When a letter is used as warning for a change in venue, it must arrive prior to the recipient’s leaving to join court!”
“Counter-objection sustained. Prosecution must pay a penalty.”
“Motion: shortening of available time available for examination for prosecution.”
“Sustained.”
Mr. Hawkins ignored his opponent’s glare. It meant nothing to him.
The judge slammed his gavel upon his podium. “Court is now in session. Under the February Tuesday rules, the prosecution and defense must present their initial statements at the same time. Mr. Hawkins grimaced before he began to speak. The other attorney didn’t seem to have any such distaste.
Parallel, “I, Mr. Hawkins, am arguing that John Andrews Meyer is innocent because he possesses three alibis and DNA evidence shows that he is not the killer.” “I, Mr. Toad, am arguing that John Andrews Meyer is guilty of committing the crime because his lawyer is incapable of defending him.” This was, unfortunately, an acceptable tactic under Oddplace law(except on Friday the 13th, Christmas, and cases involving the Mayor of Oddplace).
Parallel, “John Andrews Meyer possesses three alibis. The first of these is witnessed by his many friends. He was present at his friend Alexander Caesar’s birthday party. Later during this case, I will call upon several of the people present at the party to give witness to the fact that he was present. The second of these is witnessed—“ While Mr. Hawkins was presenting his case, Mr. Toad was fiddling with an object. Mr. Hawkins didn’t consider it relevant, and as such ignored it.
The gunshots rang out clear in the courtroom. John Andrews Meyer fell with a cry of pain. Before the judge could speak, Mr. Toad spoke. “Motion for order in the court! Motion to recognize the Seventh and the Fourth Vigilante Laws’ effects on this action! Motion to dismiss Mr. Hawkins from the case for failing to defend his client!”
Mr. Hawkins had dropped his briefcase in surprise and was about to speak before realizing the masterstroke Mr. Toad had just performed. Under the Seventh and Fourth Vigilante Laws, Mr. Toad couldn’t be prosecuted for killing John Andrews Meyer until John Andrews Meyer was proven innocent. A loophole in the phrasing in the essential court laws… defend could be construed to mean actual physical defense of his client.
Mr. Hawkins grabbed his briefcase, and with a cry of rage, threw it at Mr. Toad. Before it impacted, Mr. Hawkins withdrew his emergency medical kit from his suit and sprinted to his fallen client. “Dying.” Mr. Hawkins didn’t bother to admonish himself for talking to himself. Now wasn’t the time for that. He needed to stop the blood loss before his client died. If he succeeded in that, he could use the Second and Sixth Vigilante Laws to prosecute Mr. Toad for attacking but not killing a suspected murderer. Surgical string. Sewing needle. “Stitch the wound. Prevent blood loss.” Mr. Hawkins rapidly closed the holes the bullets made, leaving the bullets in John’s body. Removing the bullets could be done later. After the application of an antibiotic spray, a large bandage was promptly applied to cover the wounds, preventing what blood loss would otherwise occur. Finally, Mr. Hawkins removed a syringe from his medical kit and injected it into John’s neck, inducing relief of pain and doing a variety of things to keep the wounds from being lethal.
“Motion to send for paramedics!”
“Approved!” The judge reached under his podium and pressed a button.
Mr. Hawkins turned to Mr. Toad in the meantime. As it seemed, the briefcase had done more than Mr. Hawkins expected. Mr. Toad was lying unconscious from skull impact, the briefcase next to him. “Motion to adjourn until patient recovery! Motion to punish Mr. Toad for attempted serious disruption of trial! Motion to punish Mr. Toad for bringing a firearm into the trial!”
The judge was looking at something on his podium. “Approved. Denied. The action was legal. I will however, on my own time, send a recommendation to the mayor and the Chief of Criminal Law to fix that particular loophole. Denied. The law specifies a loaded usable firearm. The firearm was unusable and unloaded prior to being brought into the courtroom. Case dismissed!”
Mr. Hawkins examined his client again, making sure he was stable enough for the paramedics. Seeing nothing that merited further attention by a relatively unskilled human, Mr. Hawkins picked up his briefcase and medical kit, slotted the medical kit back into its pocket, and left the courtroom and soon the courthouse.
Mr. Hawkins pulled out his phone, intending to call for a Cab. Then another gunshot went off, and the phone was rendered unusable. Mr. Hawkins turned to face… the Captain, holding a surprisingly accurate flintlock pistol. “Blast.”
“Yaarrrr! It be the landlubber who escaped our grasp! Mateys, let us press this landlubber into our crew! Yo ho ho!”
The Captain and his “crew” advanced. Mr. Hawkins hefted his briefcase. The pirates were already all around him. There was no running from this one.
“I hereby invoke code Negative-Theta-928-Delta-Phi-Elephant-11!” Or, the Mook Chivalry codes. He would have to go through the full invoking later to make it permanent, but for the moment, the pirates would have to attack him in ones and twos at a time or face legal penalties their villain status couldn’t get them out of. “Bloody… alright mateys, he’s used the Mook Chivalry codes. Means we can’t hit him all at once, and I have to get him last or near that. You know the drill. Have at!” Two Mooks detached from the larger group and charged Mr. Hawkins, waving their hopefully blunt cutlasses. For their trouble, they received several briefcase impacts.
“Next!” Another two received the same treatment. “Next!” Another two stepped up, and withdrew flintlock pistols. But Mr. Hawkins wasn’t afraid. The Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy code would protect him—common criminals weren’t allowed to use their full firearm accuracy on human targets, and firearms training was far more expensive for them. Regardless, Mr. Hawkins didn’t like having flintlock pistols pointed in his direction, so he batted them out of the pirates’ hands using his briefcase, then followed up with a few kicks.
It occurred to Mr. Hawkins then that he actually was decent superhero material, minus the lack of powers—and that hadn’t stopped Ratman. Martial arts, smarts, legal knowledge, and good equipment could compensate for the lack of powers. And he had much of that. His father had taught him martial arts personally, he was very intelligent and possessed plenty of legal knowledge, the only thing he really lacked was equipment, but his briefcase was good enough for the moment. “Alright mateys, looks like this one’s the real deal. I’ll handle him myself.” Which meant a tougher fight. The Authority Equals Asskicking codes required the leaders of organizations to be proficient in combat techniques to a higher degree than their minions. While it wouldn’t apply as much here as in a government organization, the Captain was still affected by those codes. Mr. Hawkins readied himself for a tough fight.
Within the first seconds of the fight, Mr. Hawkins was glad his briefcase was bulletproof and then some, given how much it blocked sword strikes. Mr. Hawkins was also glad for his martial arts training, which was probably the only reason he was managing to block. But he could feel that he was tiring. He needed to end this. A sweeping kick did that job, sending the Captain onto his back. A few movements of one of Mr. Hawkins’ feet knocked the Captain’s cutlass out of his hands and sent it flying away. “Arrrrr, men, he has me at his mercies! Bring out the cannon!” Mr. Hawkins frowned.
The back of the pirates’ van opened up, revealing a cast iron cannon pointed directly at Mr. Hawkins. “Firrrrre!” There was no time to dodge. There was, however, time to raise his briefcase. The cannon went off in a deafening bang that really should have been louder. Mr. Hawkins felt a huge impact against his slightly angled briefcase, then pain as he was knocked onto the ground. In the background, he noted the sound of the cannonball impacting a car. Thank goodness for the Hero Insurance codes.
“They won’t be helping you much longer, though!” Mr. Hawkins realized he spoke out loud, but he had bigger problems. The Captain had retrieved his cutlass and was now holding it to Mr. Hawkins’ throat. “You’ll be coming with us! It’ll be a pirate’s life for you!” Mr. Hawkins dimly recalled that the Captain was allowed to force non-powered people to join his crew under code Beta-492-Delta-Beta-Crow-90. And there was no way he was letting that happen. There was no way he would speak with that ridiculous accent!
Mr. Hawkins rolled next to the Captain, and before he could react, sent a kick upwards into the vulnerable region. The Captain’s expression would have hurt any man but Mr. Hawkins to see. Mr. Hawkins then rolled to his feet, picked up his horribly scuffed but intact(surprisingly) briefcase, then angled a glare at the pirates. They didn’t stay around. “Avast! The Captain be down! Yaarrr, we should be going!” The pirates moved with astounding speed, gathering the Captain and his cutlass into the back of their van, and before long it drove off.
Mr. Hawkins sighed, looking at his destroyed phone. It looked like he was going to have to walk home. He didn’t have much cash on him after all, for that matter, not many did at all, given the convenience of the phone payments. The odds of the bus cost randomizer giving him a sufficiently low price that his five dollars could pay for a ticket were very low, after all. Sighing again, Mr. Hawkins began the long slog home.
Oddplace was an odd place, and a slog to get through if one walked. It wasn’t Wednesday, thankfully. Only the Cab Company drivers could effectively get through the non-euclidean roads that occurred on that day.
Mr. Hawkins stopped to watch a telekinetic mime performance. After all, they were one of the few performances that had no audience participation in Oddplace, and Mr. Hawkins definitely needed some stress relief. Mr. Hawkins didn’t find many of the performances of Oddplace funny, but this one… Mr. Hawkins chuckled as the giant invisible hammer was brought down onto another mime’s head.
Mr. Hawkins dropped one of his five dollars into the invisible basket that the mimes had placed down. Ordinarily, he would tip more, but he did intend to buy a coffee on the way home. Provided he could find one of the decent moving coffee shops. Mr. Hawkins didn’t want a coffee laced with hallucinogens, after all.
As it turned out, he did manage to find a decent coffee shop. Literally. Decent Coffee Shop was only average outside of Oddplace, but within, its sheer averageness made it an asset. Mr. Hawkins didn’t want anything too weird. Mr. Hawkins walked inside. The shop was empty, aside from the barista. She smiled. “Hello sir, welcome to Decent Coffee! Can I take your order?”
Finally, something ordinary. “Could you please make me a Dark Chocolate Mocha, small size?”
“Coming right up!” Mr. Hawkins idly pulled the four dollars needed for the mocha plus tip from his wallet, and handed them over. After a minute, the barista handed him his mocha, as well as three cents in change. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, please come again!”
Mr. Hawkins sat down at one of the tables, and savored his coffee. It was average for a mocha outside Oddplace. But within? There wasn’t anything odd about it. Aside from that, anyway. The familiarity alone made it worth buying.
Mr. Hawkins finished his mocha, and tossed the empty cup in the trash. He then exited the shop… to a location completely different than where he started. “Blast.” Mr. Hawkins hefted his briefcase. The Muggers frequented alleyways, and he didn’t want to be off guard. Mr. Hawkins advanced towards the alley exit.
No incidents occurred, thankfully. And for once, it seemed that the changing coffeehouse location was an advantage. Mr. Hawkins recognized the location. His trip to his house had just been greatly shortened. Mr. Hawkins smiled, and began walking.
“Three pennies to have your fortune told!” That was… oddly specific. Mr. Hawkins turned to face the elderly woman with a crystal ball who was looking quite pointedly in his direction. Mr. Hawkins stopped. No good came from defying elderly mystics. Mr. Hawkins had learned his lesson there. His week as a golden retriever had been interesting, but definitely not an experience he would prefer to repeat.
Mr. Hawkins turned and walked towards the elderly woman. “Three pennies, youngling.” Mr. Hawkins reached into his suit and withdrew the three pennies, which he dropped into the woman’s expectant hand. “Thank you, youngling. Now, please place your hands on the crystal ball. Let your chakra flow into it, and we will see what your life holds.” Mr. Hawkins placed his hands on the crystal ball. “Hm. No, that’s not doing it. It seems I’ll need to help you here, youngling.” The woman grabbed Mr. Hawkins’ hands, and with a toothy smile, squeezed. And Mr. Hawkins felt something happen. On a side note, his hands hurt.
“Excellent! Your chakra is rich, if hard to coax out. This will be an easy reading. Keep your hands on the ball, youngling. Wouldn’t want to botch the reading.” Mr. Hawkins kept silent. “Now, let’s see. Three pennies, threefold showing. First, your past.” The woman seemed to focus. “Your past. Not an Oddplace native, eh? Very practical and tough father. Dead mother. You have my condolences. From your past, you gain strength. Resolve. Practicality. Skill. You also gain rigidness. Roughness. Silence of heart.” The woman took a deep breath, then focused once more. “Now, your present. You are about to see an old woman die. And the process of change that has begun in your heart and mind will kick into high gear as a result. And you will adopt a cat.” This began to get slightly unnerving for Mr. Hawkins, but he knew better than to interrupt. “Finally, we have the future. Interesting, it is. Now, free will makes the future hard to decipher, but I can make some guesses. Firstly, you will find that special someone for you. That will require you to make a choice. Your new life or your old life? Secondly, when you see the supervillain, you should duck. Thirdly, as you lie dying, you will have one more choice to make. Oddness will spread or die at your hand.” The old woman looked Mr. Hawkins in the eyes, looking away from her crystal ball. Then her eyes rolled into her skull, and she collapsed.
Mr. Hawkins was not fazed. He certainly didn’t feel changed. He placed his hand against the old woman’s heart. No heartbeat. He could use the portable defibrillator in his medical kit, but he didn’t think that would work. Mr. Hawkins peeled his hands off the crystal ball and went on his way. The rest of the way to his house passed without incident.
Mr. Hawkins walked up to his door and opened it. Doctor Diabolical turned in surprise. “You aren’t supposed to be home yet! I haven’t finished turning your house into a deathtrap!” Mr. Hawkins ducked. The cannonball shot over his head and hit Doctor Diabolical in the chest. Thankfully for him, he was wearing power armor… which wasn’t good enough to stop the cannonball.
Doctor Diabolical was sent flying, crashing into Mr. Hawkins’ television, provoking a wince from both men. Doctor Diabolical stood up, groaning… then a large pendulum swung down from the ceiling and hit him again, punting him into the kitchen. Mr. Hawkins turned his attention to the pirates, who were busy trying to reload their cannon. “Excuse me? May I have a word with you?”
Mr. Hawkins advanced slowly and confidently towards the pirates and the Captain. It was the sort of look that said only one thing to a mook: run. They did so, scrambling away from Mr. Hawkins. “Cowards! Get back here, landlubbers!” Turning back to look at his crew was a mistake for the Captain, who received a briefcase strike to his face for his troubles. Mr. Hawkins dusted off his hands unnecessarily. “Now for Doctor Diabolical.” Mr. Hawkins hefted his briefcase, and began to walk into his house. He considered calling the police or the superhero hotline, but shook his head. Mr. Hawkins would handle this himself, period.
Mr. Hawkins stepped inside, slowly. He remembered Doctor Diabolical saying something about turning his house into a deathtrap, and it certainly didn’t have that pendulum before. Mr. Hawkins continued advancing, then turned into the kitchen. Doctor Diabolical didn’t seem to be there. With a shrug, Mr. Hawkins grabbed a meat mallet from one of his drawers, then continued moving.
Little screws and bits of metal were strewn in small amounts on his staircase. Like they had fallen off Doctor Diabolical’s power armor. Mr. Hawkins smiled. “That man’s going to get what’s coming to him.” Mr. Hawkins noted that he was speaking to himself, but mentally shrugged. He had lost any chance of caring about that now, given the circumstances. It was plainly irrelevant now. He had bigger things to worry about. Mr. Hawkins started climbing the staircase. A click of his floor interrupted him halfway up.
The swinging weights were promptly ducked. “Can’t you do better than that kid in Home Alone!?” Mr. Hawkins’ taunt seemed to go unheard. Mr. Hawkins continued ascending the staircase. Then he turned and faced a blue-striped tiger. A larger one than normal. It held Doctor Diabolical in its mouth. Seeing Mr. Hawkins, it placed Doctor Diabolical down and knocked him over to Mr. Hawkins with a paw.
“Sorry. I’m too tired for this right now. Maybe later.” Mr. Hawkins was truly tired. Technically, he shouldn’t be going to sleep, he thought, but a day such of this merited extra sleep. After dodging another pair of traps, Mr. Hawkins leaped into his bed. He wouldn’t have done that yesterday—he valued his suits far too much to sleep in them. Now, however, he didn’t care. Though he probably would when he woke up.
The tiger, meanwhile, bit ahold of Doctor Diabolical and walked downstairs. The tiger walked to Mr. Hawkins’ front door just as it opened. Captain Power stared at the tiger for just a moment. “I was sure you would need assistance, but as it appears, I was mistaken! Congratulations on gaining powers of your own, Mr. Hawkins! I will apprehend the criminal Doctor Diabolical now!” The tiger found this very amusing, though Captain Power definitely couldn’t tell. The tiger tilted its head, then jerked it at Captain Power, tossing Doctor Diabolical through the air and into Captain Power’s arms. “Pleasure to work with you, Mr. Hawkins! I would advise you choose a superhero name soon!” The tiger stalked off as Captain Power closed the door.
The next day, Doctor Diabolical broke out of prison as was normal. Something else was also broken out: Mr. Hawkins’ small liquor stash.
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Topic: Fallacy's Writing Practice: Another new story, taking prompts! (Read 985 times)