Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: [1] 2

Author Topic: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!  (Read 2765 times)

FourierSeries

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« on: February 10, 2018, 09:41:24 pm »

So I hop on the 'ole adventurers wagon. Get the fundamentals out of the way, first. Hit the beach, roll around with the hermit crabs, play some bogie golf, chase after a few esoteric artifacts, raid all the warehouses assembling my gorgeous ensemble, and run an army or two into the ground. You know, the usual. After getting myself good and ready I go exploring. I land in one town late at night without anything better to do and no one to talk to. Hit the catacombs. Wander around. I run into one guy who is out and about. Check him out, but he's nothing special. Oh well, I might as well chat him up a bit. I could use some mild conversation to keep myself from becoming distracted.

Me: Can you tell me the way to the Misty Pear?

Master spearman: Egu is well-traveled and probably would have that information.

(In short, this guy is useless. I'm not really sure what I want from him at this point. More importantly, something ... doesn't feel right? Nah, he's just some ignorant pincushioner, but ...  let's try wandering off the usual dialogue script for a change.)

Me: It sure is dark down here.

(Oh, you smoothtalker you! No response. Nighttime, duh! Everyone in town is asleep. Even the criminal gang I passed a few rooms back was zonked out snoozing away. I'll try one more time to pry some useful information outta night owl boy before I push past and continue crypt diving.)

Me: Tell me about this area.

Master spearman: Clanlobsters is (blah blah blah). (Blah blah) farmer (blah).

(I know for a fact Clanlobsters is the single most butter famished and boring ... wait. Everyone is asleep. Except this guy. That means ... ah ... hah?)

Me: Whosoever would blight the world, preying on the helpless, fear me! I call you a child of the night and will slay you where you stand.

The Vampire spearman spits!
The Vampire spearman's spit misses you!
Vampire spearman: Fool! I've defeated many fearsome opponents!

(Cool! Hey now, sweetie, don't be like that. Tell you what-)

Me: Come, join me on my adventures!

The Vampire spearman spits!
The Vampire spearman's spit misses you!
Vampire spearman: I will agree to travel with you if you lead me to glory and death.

Yeah! I've never had a vampire companion before. This could be fun, although, hmm. He seems a little inadequate, a little lacking in, you know, bling. Bling is the vampire thing, after all. Bravado aside, I suspect he's fresh off the vamp boat. That's way too green to take out on a troll army murdering rampage date. I need to get a better feel for things, maybe pin down his real age. More sweet chatting is required.

Me: Tell me about your family.

The Vampire spearman spits!
The Vampire spearman's spit misses you!
Vampire spearman: I have a cousin named Egu. In 158, Egu settled in Boyishguard.

(What's with the spitting? Why now? Boy, I'm being nice here! I ... maybe ... uh ...)

Me: How are you feeling right now?

Vampire spearman: I hate you. You are lady.

Yep. He's all guy. I'll give him that. What a pair we could make. Come what may, I think my adventure is taking a turn toward the epic.

Note: Since the game doesn't model any physical distinctions for gender in this mode, neither do I pay any attention when creating an adventurer. Yep, imma petite, sweet, murder hobette. Also, the dialog was edited for clarity. Even still, this is how it all went down. Save for the part where I fell off my chair from laughing so hard.
Logged
I don't think losing guts actually kills you, you just throw up and pass out and bleed to death.

Cathar

  • Bay Watcher
  • Adequate Engraver
    • View Profile
    • My shit
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2018, 09:57:32 pm »

I'm just writing to say that I absolutely love this.
Logged
I suppose you missed the whole thing of me thinking that fapping was the noise a keyboard made when being typed with.
Current project : Mong Kima
Commission me

IndigoFenix

  • Bay Watcher
  • All things die, but nothing dies forever.
    • View Profile
    • Boundworlds: A Browser-Based Multiverse Creation and Exploration Game
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2018, 11:47:12 pm »

"Lady" is a noble position that you can acquire if you take over a site.  Did you claim ownership of the site before talking to him?

FourierSeries

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 01:13:29 am »

"Lady" is a noble position that you can acquire if you take over a site.

Guys always thinking about power and prestige. Who said anything about politics? See! That's exactly what I'm talking about. Adventure girl. Not lady.

I'm starting to feel like I've fallen into some surreal Little Rascals vision quest. Like, I'm having flashbacks about the he-man woman haters club of famed days long past.

Speaking of flashbacks:


(Previously on A.G. Quest)

I'll stop here for the night. Sigh. All this training without nary a sign or gimmick to attach myself to. I need something special. Something big.

What the? That little star just flew across the map to stop and disappear ... there. A cave? Cool! Let's see what we have here ... dead body ... dead body ... cooking cauldron. Hrm, maybe I better go about this fully prepared. I ready my shields, wield the cutest little silver hammer you ever did see, and sneak around the corner. Why hello there big boy!

You: Greetings.  My name is Itvid Taperedmeads the Trustworthy Siege of Packing.  This servant of jealousy greets you.

The man of shadow Obi Melirethi: Hello, human.  I am Obi Murkydied.

(Big, dark, mysterious. I like that.)

You: You look like a mighty warrior indeed.

The man of shadow Obi Melirethi: I am a peasant.

(Why, so am I!)

You: Come, join me on my adventures!

The man of shadow Obi Melirethi: I would...  rather not.

(Dammit!)

We go back and forth on other subjects for a while.

He's cute and all, and big. What's he's not is armored, with no way of finding armor his size. That means he'd be no proper long term companion anyway. Plus, if I could be bothered to look him up in the quest log I'm sure I've got sixteen or so outstanding requests to evict him from home and hearth, or body, and so on. I finally decide to try something I've not done before. Leave things to chance. If he's cool with it, he lives.

You: I'm in charge of Necrobones now.  Make way for lady Itvid Taperedmeads the Trustworthy Siege of Packing and Fruity the Stern Coalition!

(A proud subsidiary of the United Fruit Company.)

The man of shadow Obi Melirethi: I don't know anything about that.

The man of shadow Obi Melirethi draws the copper carving knife with his Right hand.
The man of shadow Obi Melirethi charges at you!

That escalated quickly. Oh well, it was not meant to be.


Did you claim ownership of the site before talking to him?

No? That wasn't even a one night stand. He rejected my claim and jumped me instead. So I killed him. There was no one left to claim the cave from! How would that even work?

You know what? Just ... just .... hold that thought.

Oh vampie sweetie! We need to talk. About us.

You: I got into an argument with Vampire spearman. I'm terrably bitter about this...

Vampire spearman: I hate you. You are lady.

(Fine. It was worth a shot.)

You: Would you agree to become lady of Fruity the Stern Coalition, taking over my duties and responsibilities?

Vampire spearman: I accept this honor.

(Domestic bliss at last! Now maybe I can have a nice conversation with him?)

The Vampire spearman spits!
The Vampire spearman's spit misses you!
Vampire spearman: You are my traveling companion.  You are a pleasure to speak with.

A polite acknowledgement? Still with an attitude. That is an improvement of a sort. I ... like it.

Onward!
Logged
I don't think losing guts actually kills you, you just throw up and pass out and bleed to death.

Enemy post

  • Bay Watcher
  • Modder
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2018, 02:01:30 am »

I hate you. You are lady.
Logged
My mods.
Minimalism and Milk:I,II.
Enemy post has claimed the title of Dragonsong the Harmonic of Melodious Exaltion!

Cathar

  • Bay Watcher
  • Adequate Engraver
    • View Profile
    • My shit
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2018, 05:13:03 am »

You: Would you agree to become lady of Fruity the Stern Coalition, taking over my duties and responsibilities?


Lady ?! :o
Now this is becoming a real kink
Logged
I suppose you missed the whole thing of me thinking that fapping was the noise a keyboard made when being typed with.
Current project : Mong Kima
Commission me

Spriggans

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2018, 07:00:19 am »

I love this ! ;D

But, I don't love you, I hate you, because you're a lady. :P
Or are you still ? Ask the vamp to become her lieutenant (I assume he is a she), and inquire about any troubles.
Logged
[ETHIC:MURDERING_DWARVES:UNTHINKABLE]
[ETHIC:CUTTING_TREES:REQUIRED]
[ETHIC:USING_EXPLOITS:JUSTIFIED_IF_GOOD_REASON]

Megaman_zx

  • Bay Watcher
  • or megadorf.....megaelf?
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2018, 01:31:21 pm »

Great story, keep it going!!!
Logged
Tales of the Third Age, 34.11 rp stories from Genesis Reborn

“Name none of the fallen, for they stood in our place. And stand there still in each moment of our lives. Let my death hold no glory, and let me die forgotten and unknown. Let it not be said that I was one among the dead to accuse the living.”

-Deadhouse Gates (Book 2 in the Malazan Book of the Fallen) by Steven Erikson

FourierSeries

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2018, 08:55:34 pm »

Behold! A cold open to an episode you'll never see because in game dialog doesn't really work this way. This pseudo-dialog however ...

The Vampire spearman spits!
The Vampire spearman's spit misses you!

You: Back in we go, Vampie.

Vampire spearman: Why do we return to the crypt?

You: We're making progress! I'm so happy to have met you! Really I am and ... well ... we need to spend some quality time together. You know, more talk and less ... uh ... spitting.

Vampire spearman: About that. Titles aside, I have a name. Jonic.

You: Oh. OK, Jonic, sweetie. Let's go!

Jonic: Hrm. The time is late and maybe you should sleep on this before returning. Yes, you should rest. Allow me to guard you throughout this night in recompense for your generous gift of entitlement.

You: No. This is better. You'll really like this.

Jonic: Are you sure? My treat.

(Nope. Not that way, ain't gonna happen. Nice try though.)

You: Sweetie, I don't do that no more. Play, yes. Sleep, no.

Jonic: Hrmf. You do have a touch of such a scent about you. Yet, you do not look like one of us. Unless ... no. NO!

You: No?

Jonic: You have been to the tower!

You: Ah-HAH!

(I wiggle my fingers at him in a gesture of mysterious power. No shuddering, no sudden reanimation, no dice. No spitting either, which is nice. He just glowers back at me.)

Jonic: You are wasting your time and mine. My kind exist far beyond your feeble trickery.

You: Oh. How?

Jonic: Free will.

You: Good! Now that we're all square and settled in, it's back to the crypts.

Jonic: Why do we return to the crypt?

You: I found a room full of sleepers before we met and you're looking a bit thirsty. The night is young! Come along now.


... gives an idea of what I've been up to.

The wiki's pretty straight forward on this: vampires are proof against reanimation. I did try. Always good to put the wiki to the test.

I am a little worried about what might happen when we roll into some keep at night. I'm totally unfamiliar with how (semi) friendly NPC Vampires work. I've been trying to lead him on (and how) over to some isolated sleepers, but Jonic's either absurdly shy, or just not hungry.

Meanwhile, the crypt was a boring wash out so we skipped out. We took off cross continent and a lair just up an poofed into existence right in front of us. I think it high time to see how Mr. Vampie tough guy handles himself.

Next episode: Home sweet home.

Ask the vamp to become her lieutenant (I assume he is a she), and inquire about any troubles.

Asking might turn out weird because I've just been promoted again. I'll find a way to work it into the next episode. Jonic is becoming quite the conversationalist with other people. Starting to come out of the shell a bit I think.

Jonic (to splayed-ears lady): It's wonderful to be out exploring the wilds!
Jonic (to splayed-ears lady): Mastering the forces of nature would glorify us in the eyes of the world.  Blossomoaks is in The Violent Fields.  Seek this place if you hunt Eslome Skinwind the plains titan.

My ears are undamaged. Jonic's talking to someone else. Nice to hear even though I'm pretty sure I've been there, killed that. Speaking of troubles, Jonic keeps going on and on about stuff like:

Jonic: Particular outlaws have been causing us much hardship.  They have a camp called Romanceyawn somewhere in The Field of Morning.
Jonic: Particular outlaws have been causing us much hardship.  They have a camp called Dancedunion somewhere in The Prestigious Desert.
Jonic: Particular outlaws have been causing us much hardship.  They have a camp called Thieftrussed somewhere in The Basic Dune.
Jonic: Particular outlaws have been causing us much hardship.  They have a camp called Postrouts somewhere in The Steppe of Humidity.

When I ask for directions to these places Jonic always claims someone else would know better. Must be fixated on repeating rumors I guess. More talking than spitting is happening now, so I can't complain.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 08:57:29 pm by FourierSeries »
Logged
I don't think losing guts actually kills you, you just throw up and pass out and bleed to death.

Cathar

  • Bay Watcher
  • Adequate Engraver
    • View Profile
    • My shit
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2018, 09:39:00 pm »

This thread
Logged
I suppose you missed the whole thing of me thinking that fapping was the noise a keyboard made when being typed with.
Current project : Mong Kima
Commission me

Spriggans

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2018, 06:44:39 am »

The wiki's pretty straight forward on this: vampires are proof against reanimation. I did try. Always good to put the wiki to the test.
This is sad :(

---

You could maybe dfhack to get information about Jonic, like his thirst level. You could then alter it to make him thirsty and see if Jonic drinks or if this is not implemented.

---

Could we please know more about your character from Legends mode ?
Make a backup, retire, go to legends, and learn what exact positions you have, and what/who Jonic is :)
« Last Edit: February 14, 2018, 06:48:07 am by Spriggans »
Logged
[ETHIC:MURDERING_DWARVES:UNTHINKABLE]
[ETHIC:CUTTING_TREES:REQUIRED]
[ETHIC:USING_EXPLOITS:JUSTIFIED_IF_GOOD_REASON]

Egan_BW

  • Bay Watcher
  • Chaotic Neutral ---- (for now! maybe I'll change!)
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2018, 08:07:27 pm »

Still a better love story than Twilight.
(PTW)
Logged

Vivalas

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2018, 01:01:39 am »

Go hunt another vampire with your vampire companion
Logged


The NSA is always watching you!

FourierSeries

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2018, 02:10:20 am »

Herein, we attempt to strike a blow against patriarchal hierarchic systems of attachment. And so, in honor of the late Ursula K. Le Guin do I dedicate this episode.

Also, Valentine's day. Yay!

Ask the vamp to become her lieutenant (I assume he is a she), and inquire about any troubles.

Yes, I am a she. I misread that at first as, "ask to become Jonic's lieutenant." This makes more sense as he's the one with the title. However, I played ahead before I saw your question. As it stands now we both have titles, suggesting a much better approach. We shall each pledge ourselves to the other, lieutenants of blissful reciprocity! Outside of of hacking, that has to be the closest thing to marriage in adventure mode. Right?

Episode synopsis: life with a vampire is, in a word, suck.

There's a tavern only a short walk away from the lair. I feel like some prep work is in order before we get to gate crashing. I'll pick on some random asshole in the bar to argue with instead of Jonic, but first, all things done well are to be done right and proper.

You pick up the pyrolusite barrel with your left hand.
You drink the Longland beer [40].
You drop the pyrolusite barrel.

Jonic: I think self-control is key.  Master yourself.

Yeah, well, I don't really need to be focused to be dangerous do I? Hokay, sensei, let's do this your way. Back we go.

We discover the lair entrance. As usual, I have some difficulty moving through the hatch. I keep missing the down-slope and end up hopping around the entrance. I slide down the slope on the forth try and turn to watch how Mr. Snickering handles this. He casually strolls in like he's playing some kind of game with me. Fine. Score one for the boys. I kit up and we hunt.

The resident night troll turns out to be an unarmed, unequipped, completely bear assed bint with wings. Perfect.

You: I'm in charge of Burialdead now.  Make way for lady Itvid Taperedmeads the Trustworthy Siege of Packing and The Council of Spattering!

(Prophetic. Let the testing begin! Obligingly, she goes after my beau.)

The moon woman Rufithi: I don't know anything about that.

The moon woman Rufithi punches Jonic in the left foot with her left hand, but the attack is deflected by Jonic's bronze low boot!

Jonic: This is my fight too.  There is no need to feel vengeful.

Jonic attacks the moon woman Rufithi but She jumps away!

(She dodged directly away from me but is still next to him. It's just Jonic and her now. I stand back and watch.)

The moon woman Rufithi grabs Jonic by the nose from the side with her right wing!

(Whoa. Nice move. Get her, Jonic!)

Jonic stabs the moon woman Rufithi in the right wing with the bronze spear, tearing the fat!
The bronze spear has lodged firmly in the wound!
The moon woman Rufithi punches Jonic in the thumb, left hand from the side with her right hand, but the attack is deflected by Jonic's bronze left gauntlet!
The force bends the left hand, tearing apart the fat and tearing apart the left wrist's muscle and bruising the bone!
A ligament in the left wrist has been bruised and a tendon has been bruised!
Jonic loses hold of the bronze spear.

(No and nope! I sprint back into the fight and try to get between them.)

Jonic misses the moon woman Rufithi!
The moon woman Rufithi takes Jonic down by the nose with The moon woman Rufithi's right wing!

Jonic: The battle rages...  I laugh in the face of death!

Jonic stands up.

(Yo!)

The moon woman Rufithi releases the grip of The moon woman Rufithi's right wing on Jonic's nose.
The moon woman Rufithi charges at Jonic!
The moon woman Rufithi collides with Jonic!
Jonic is knocked over!
Jonic stands up.

(Yo, bitch!)

The moon woman Rufithi misses you!
You attack the moon woman Rufithi but She jumps away!
Jonic attacks the moon woman Rufithi but She jumps away!
The moon woman Rufithi strikes at Jonic but the shot is blocked with the bronze shield!
Jonic misses the moon woman Rufithi!
You bash the moon woman Rufithi in the left lower arm from behind with your *«≡silver war hammer≡»*, chipping the bone!
The force bends the left upper arm, tearing apart the muscle and bruising the bone!
An artery has been opened by the attack, many nerves have been severed and a tendon has been torn!

(THAT'S FOR TOUCHING JONIC!)

Jonic: Those injuries...  Begone fear!

(Close your eyes and hide in the corner, sweetie.)

The moon woman Rufithi misses you!
You bash the moon woman Rufithi in the left wing with your *«≡silver war hammer≡»*, chipping the bone!
The moon woman Rufithi attacks you but You jump away!

(HA! No flying escape for you. Wait! Jonic NO! Sprinting in again, go I.)

The moon woman Rufithi grabs Jonic by the upper front teeth from behind with her right upper arm!
Jonic misses the moon woman Rufithi!

Jonic: I've defeated many fearsome opponents!

The moon woman Rufithi punches Jonic in the upper body from behind with her right hand, bruising the fat through the sheep wool cloak!
Jonic is unable to break the grip of The moon woman Rufithi's right upper arm on Jonic's upper front teeth!
Jonic stands up.
Jonic misses the moon woman Rufithi!
The moon woman Rufithi releases the grip of The moon woman Rufithi's right upper arm on Jonic's upper front teeth.
The moon woman Rufithi charges at Jonic!
The moon woman Rufithi collides with Jonic!
Jonic is knocked over!
Jonic stands up.
The moon woman Rufithi misses Jonic!

(GET OFF HIM!)

You bash the moon woman Rufithi in the head from behind with your *«≡silver war hammer≡»*, bruising the muscle and chipping the skull!
The force twists the neck and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The moon woman Rufithi has been struck down.

Jonic: Death is all around us.  This is truly horrifying.
You: Hey Jonic.  Life is, in a word, the moon.

(Really? Whatever. Jonic eats this stuff up.)

Jonic: Hello.  It is good to see you.  It really is a pleasure to speak with you again.  It's good to see you have companions to travel with on your adventures.
You: How are you feeling right now?
Jonic: How fleeting life is...  Begone fear!

You pick up the bronze spear and put it in your hemp backpack.
You strap the *«≡silver war hammer≡»* to your Upper body.
You strap the +iron shield+ to your Upper body.
You strap the +«+iron shield+»+ to your Upper body.
You strap the +«+iron shield+»+ to your Upper body.
You take out the bronze spear.

You: Let's trade.
Jonic: You should probably try a shopkeeper.

Oh that attitude! He's a little ruffled right now. I understand. I eventually figure out how to talk him into retaking his spear. As his hand is injured he sensibly folds this into a rope reed pouch for safe keeping.

We return to town so I can fetch a splint for his hand, but it turns out he only needed to walk it off. With that out of the way I pick up a few things for our lair. A few odds and ends, a chest or two, a zinc cage, and a barrel of the good stuff. Along the way I ask discreetly about how entitlements and lieutenantshipping works. My grand plan flashes to vapor before my eyes! Turns out there's some cosmic law against, although there might be a loophole if work my way up instead. Try going steady first off. OK!

Back at the lair again we settle in. I sit down and inch up to him. He senses some nonsense or other is brewing but I miss his warning shot and press on.

You: Hey Jonic.  Praise the moon.
Jonic: Hello.  It is good to see you.  It really is a pleasure to speak with you again.  Hopefully your friends can dissuade you from this foolishness.
You: I would be honored to serve as a hearthperson.  Will you have me?
Jonic: You are not worthy of such an honor yet.  I am sorry.
You: I would be honored if you would become a hearthperson.  Will you have me as lady?
Jonic: I cannot accept this honor.  I am sorry.

You aren't picking up any odor in particular.

*sniff*

I hate Valentine's day.
Logged
I don't think losing guts actually kills you, you just throw up and pass out and bleed to death.

FourierSeries

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: I'm. No. Lady. You male chauvinist PIG!
« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2018, 02:15:28 am »

Fear not for a response. I'm reading everyone's feedback. I have the whole day free tomorrow to dive into legends mode, decide what to do next, etc.

Until then, happy Vampire day!
Logged
I don't think losing guts actually kills you, you just throw up and pass out and bleed to death.
Pages: [1] 2