Finally... > Life Advice
Being "scared" of relationships
Stuebi:
So this is something I'd like to get some other opinions on, since my friendcircle is unified in calling me either damaged, or unhealthy.
I've not been in a relationship for roundabout 5 years, give or take half a year. And I've blown off one or two cases when a girl was interested, due to me hating the idea of being an "Item" with somebody.
I had 3 relationships so far in my life, none of which lasted longer than half a year. All 3 of them ended badly. One ended after I got cheated on, the other two were basically me dumping the gf in question after getting annoyed and/or having multiple fights.
The problem is, from my experience so far, relationships are work. Tons and tons of work. They mean dumping whatever you enjoy out of the window 50% of the time for another person. Add to that the fact I'm not very good at opening up, and much better at bottling, and I usually just tend to get annoyed the "closer" I grow with my partner, and the more time we spend with each other.
The ideal weekend for me is spent playing games, maybe going for a swim, but mostly just being lazy after a week of work. While my past "flames" wanted to go out, or wanted us to meet people, or just "get out of the house". Usually I could weasel my way out of that one way or the other, but all 3 of them were appearantly waiting for the next step, waiting for me to stop "liking the Computer more than them".
Is this just an issue with two incompatible people getting together? Or are relationships always like this? Because I can honestly not tell. Even the people I know that are in relationships often have this problem. If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
nenjin:
You and me are in the same place.
I haven't dated anyone in....probably about 10 years.
I've turned down a couple of leads in that time.
I've been called or at least it's been implied I'm damaged, by my nosy opinionated therapist aunt. Most of my friends are married with kids now. My immediate family is all married. I'm the only bachelor.
--- Quote ---Is this just an issue with two incompatible people getting together? Or are relationships always like this? Because I can honestly not tell. Even the people I know that are in relationships often have this problem. If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
--- End quote ---
Unless you two are identical in your interests....relationships are just like that. They're about compromise. You will do stuff you don't want to do for the sake of the person you're with, whether that's going out in public just to be out in public, visiting parents and in-laws or friends of theirs. That's just normal relationships.
And you clearly haven't found anyone that you want to sacrifice for. Is that ok? It's up to you. My take on it is......I have no fear of being alone anymore. I would rather be single and happy then not-single and miserable. I don't want to have a relationship just so I can be in one. I don't want to be with someone just to not be alone.
So I'm waiting. I'm waiting for that person I want to spend time with, legitimately, who I want to put before myself. I'm not going to the bars booty hunting, running through different women until I find one that's a match. It may mean I'm alone forever but if so.....? I will be alone doing what I enjoy instead of running around not enjoying myself in pursuit of some societal expectation.
One day I may be so sick of being alone that I will go out and find someone. I'm attractive enough, I have social skills, I've had women seek me out and I've shut them down. I have no worries about my ability to find someone.
So yes, relationships are work. The trick is to find a relationship that doesn't feel like work. And I think this is the trap many, many people fall in to. They don't want to be single so they attach to the first person that likes them before they consider what that person is about. Once the honeymoon phase is over, that's when the demands start. That's when the jealousy starts. That's when the resentment starts. That's when people start slipping in to their relationship roles.
For example, a friend of mine just got divorced by his wife of 5 years. They'd dated off and on since college (where she dumped him before.) While he was married to this chick, she basically ran his life. She controlled what he ate, what he spent his time doing, who he spent his time with. She used him as a handy man for her family so his time was always called for doing shit for someone else. She only could hold a job for a couple weeks at a time at best, so most of the time she was unemployed while he worked a full time job. She was always unhappy, sniping at everyone and everything outside of their relationship. She started influencing how he saw the world. He could hardly spend any time with me or his other friends because his wife simply was unhappy when he was doing something and she wasn't. Didn't matter what or with who.
He was becoming incredibly miserable. Even when he had permission to hang out, his wife would text him with trivial bullshit constantly just to remind him that she was out there, bored and unhappy while he was having fun. A total bitch move.
And when he started to stand up for himself, assert his right to do what he wants on occasion, then she dumped him for someone else and they got divorced.
Who you hook up with has a direct impact on your quality of life, and I don't think it's crazy at all to weigh that against the peace and comfort of being single. I don't deny that not being in a relationship deprives you of intimate contact, and no matter how self-reliant or self-confident we are, humans need intimate contact. But waiting for the right fit for you is not something you should feel bad about or be made to feel bad about. Most couples I see that go on in time just get fatter, more lethargic and possibly unhappy with each other. They crank out a few kids, their free time evaporates completely and before you know it they're basically different people. That's not what I'm looking for out of life. Maybe one day, however many days I have left. But for right now I'm looking for that special lady who isn't hung up on all the bullshit like "going out" and "excitement" and "competing with other couples" and "marriage" and "babies." Maybe I'll never find her. But that's ok, because it's the choice I've made. Not the choice I was forced in to.
Shook:
I've never been in a relationship, so take what i'm saying with a grain of salt, but i'm thinking that ideal relationships (alas, ideal rarely happens) should arise because two people already like each other for who they are. They enjoy the company of each other, respect the needs and quirks of the other part, and share at least SOME interests. It does sound like what you mentioned with two incompatible people getting together. It's clear that you're probably somewhat introverted, whereas your exes were more extroverted. A more suitable partner for you would probably be one who'd be lazy with you, rather than try to pull you kicking and screaming out of your cave (in the best intentions, mind you). Those do exist! Mind you, finding similarly introverted people might be difficult, precisely because they don't go out much. :v
So, is something wrong with you? Probably not, at least not from what you've given us here. It just sounds like you've had bad experiences with relationships, so it makes sense you'd be reluctant to engage in more of them.
brewer bob:
--- Quote from: Stuebi on June 07, 2018, 09:02:22 am --- If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
--- End quote ---
It's perfectly fine not to be in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you.
Personally I've been feeling much happier without relationships and being able to spend as much time alone or with projects that I enjoy. It's not that my relationships were bad (quite the contrary), but I realized that they were not my thing - atleast for the time being.
KittyTac:
I feel much happier alone.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version