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Author Topic: Being "scared" of relationships  (Read 5488 times)

nenjin

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2018, 09:50:55 am »

Quote
but they haven't written love stories since the stone ages as a marketing ploy

Love stories are no more every day reality for 99% of humanity than being cut and shredded 24/7 like a Greek god is. Love stories are there to sell the idea of relationships. "Happily ever after" however is their attempt to gloss over what actually matters in a relationship. All relationships are magical when they start out, even mine. It's what comes later that actually defines a relationship.

It's not a matter of being bitter. It's a matter of being extremely picky, because life has taught us that not being extremely picky has consequences we don't enjoy.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2018, 10:00:37 am by nenjin »
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dragdeler

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2018, 01:00:12 pm »

-snip-
« Last Edit: January 18, 2019, 01:49:23 pm by dragdeler »
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Cathar

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #17 on: June 23, 2018, 04:59:35 pm »

Hey, I've just read the OP, and while I haven't read the responses I thought I'd add my two cents. I'm sorry if what I say have already been said.

I've had myself three relationships in my life. First had a lifespan of five years, the other two, a couple months each. The first ended because I was getting tired of her and she put me in a "commit or end" kind of deal, with her family pushing for commitment on their end. I genuinly felt bad for ending the relationship, she was nice and caring but I clearly wasn't the guy for her and I thought ending it, so she could find husband material while she was still young. No regret nor hard feelings, it's just better for everyone.
The second two were hell on earth and consisted of a rollercoster of verbal abuse with a angry ending.

Then I decided to take a break from girls. Like, genuinly stop looking, thinking to myself "ok, there must be more to life than just fucking". I started drawing, I reinstalled DF among other things.
That's how I found what I was really pationnate about, and when I found my occupation to be stable and interesting, I just didn't felt like going back into the hellhole that is the dating market, pay lot of my hard earned cash to do something that would eventually be less interesting to me that what I do on my own.

Really, relationships are an overinflated goods. Recquire a lot of maintenance and care for the little happiness it brings. Bad deal for me - some people are just not cut for it.

In short ; there's nothing wrong in just not being interested. If you don't like pottery, don't feel shame in not buying vases.

That said - people will judge you harshly for that choice, because mostly they are [redacted], humans are like that. If your friends think you are damaged because you don't spend your days chasing pussy, do like I do ; tell them you're looking and do your stuff on your own.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2018, 05:39:48 pm by Cathar »
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #18 on: June 24, 2018, 02:03:14 pm »

Then I decided to take a break from girls. Like, genuinly stop looking, thinking to myself "ok, there must be more to life than just fucking". I started drawing, I reinstalled DF among other things.
That's how I found what I was really pationnate about, and when I found my occupation to be stable and interesting, I just didn't felt like going back into the hellhole that is the dating market, pay lot of my hard earned cash to do something that would eventually be less interesting to me that what I do on my own.

Really, relationships are an overinflated goods. Recquire a lot of maintenance and care for the little happiness it brings. Bad deal for me - some people are just not cut for it.

A lot of people here seem to be saying that being in a relationship is expensive, or that it takes a lot of work - if you're with the right person, it won't take either of those. Everyone I've ever dated has been the sort of person that doesn't need expensive gifts, fancy restaurants or anything like that, because that's just not the sort of person for me. Likewise, I wouldn't date anyone that was high maintenance or that I didn't have shared interests with.

There's no issue in not being bothered or taking a break, just have the most honest conversation with yourself you can - make sure it's not just that you are afraid of commitment/failure/whatever.
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nenjin

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #19 on: June 24, 2018, 02:38:59 pm »

You're thinking the wrong kind of expense.

Time. Energy. Emotion. Freedom. These are the real costs of a relationship. Anyone not able to monetarily afford a relationship quickly finds that out. Most people only learn AFTER they get in to a relationship though if they can truly afford those other things.
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Cathar

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #20 on: June 24, 2018, 03:12:49 pm »

A lot of people here seem to be saying that being in a relationship is expensive, or that it takes a lot of work - if you're with the right person, it won't take either of those.

Truely they are, especially if you have something going on in your life, you're passionate about and want to reach a high level. It costs time. A lot of it. Even a week end worth of time is a huge deal for me, and has been for at least five years. My successful relationship was with a carreer girl, so I had to move a lot, and do the most I could once I met her, so factor in the cost of travels and yes, restaurents and all. After a time, if the girl is not a complete gold digger, she starts paying for herself, so that's cool, but it doesn't make dating cost free at all.

I guess it's the same for friends and human relationships in general, but none of them are exclusive, and your friends won't replace you if you disapear for a time and won't throw a shitfit if you forget their birthday

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Everyone I've ever dated has been the sort of person that doesn't need expensive gifts, fancy restaurants or anything like that, because that's just not the sort of person for me. Likewise, I wouldn't date anyone that was high maintenance or that I didn't have shared interests with.

I never gave a gift out of feeling of obligation, that's the opposite of what gifts are supposed to be, but I'm talking about the general cost. Yeah if you're dating a gold digger you have to ramp up the cost even more I assume, but I never dated those.

It's a question of priority. You put your time and money in what you think has value. If it's girls, so be it, but from my experience and point of view it's just not worth it.

Quote
There's no issue in not being bothered or taking a break, just have the most honest conversation with yourself you can - make sure it's not just that you are afraid of commitment/failure/whatever.

lol, absolutely not. I find relationship boring at best. I may want kids, later. But not now. If I was afraid of failure, I would have picked another carreer, that's for sure, and for commitment...
It's not the point of being afraid of it, it's a question of not taking bad deals with huge inputs and no return.

Edit : And for "being afraid" and looking honestly upon oneself, I'll return the question to you : why are you afraid of being alone ? What scares you to the point you feel the need to take action against it ? You should take a breather, dive deep into solitude and understand that you will not die the moment your existence is not validated by the opposite sex.

See what I did there ? It's called poisoning the well. None of us is really afraid in reality.

You're thinking the wrong kind of expense.

Time. Energy. Emotion. Freedom. These are the real costs of a relationship. Anyone not able to monetarily afford a relationship quickly finds that out. Most people only learn AFTER they get in to a relationship though if they can truly afford those other things.

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« Last Edit: June 24, 2018, 03:56:49 pm by Cathar »
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #21 on: June 25, 2018, 01:08:20 pm »

You're thinking the wrong kind of expense.

Time. Energy. Emotion. Freedom. These are the real costs of a relationship. Anyone not able to monetarily afford a relationship quickly finds that out. Most people only learn AFTER they get in to a relationship though if they can truly afford those other things.

Quote
It costs time. A lot of it. Even a week end worth of time is a huge deal for me, and has been for at least five years. My successful relationship was with a carreer girl, so I had to move a lot, and do the most I could once I met her, so factor in the cost of travels and yes, restaurents and all. After a time, if the girl is not a complete gold digger, she starts paying for herself, so that's cool, but it doesn't make dating cost free at all.

Oh I completely understand they're all major 'expenses' (although money seems to come into it a lot as well which is why I focused on it), but my point is that if you're with the right person, none of those things become expenses. It doesn't feel like sacrificing time - it's what you'd want to do with all your time anyway. It doesn't feel like it's an expense of energy, as being with that person perks you up. You don't feel that they constrain your freedom, as they're someone who wants to explore with you.

If you feel that it's a massive time sink then you're either just not in the right place for a relationship, or you've not found the right person to make it not feel like a time sink. Both of those are fine, I'm just saying it's not always 'expensive' - not by a long shot.

Quote
Edit : And for "being afraid" and looking honestly upon oneself, I'll return the question to you : why are you afraid of being alone ? What scares you to the point you feel the need to take action against it ? You should take a breather, dive deep into solitude and understand that you will not die the moment your existence is not validated by the opposite sex.

See what I did there ? It's called poisoning the well. None of us is really afraid in reality.

Very clever. A truly astounding feat of logic.

I wasn't accusing anyone of being afraid, I was just trying to ask people - from the heart - to look into why they've chosen to be alone as I've seen what not confronting it does if it isn't built on the best reasons.

I've done exactly as you've said, and I was quite happy to be alone, but found that I eventually missed having companionship. Nothing scared me about being alone - I took action against it just like I'd take action against being bored or tired, I just found the state not what I wanted and changed it. I don't need the validation of the opposite sex, and if you believe that's what relationships are then you're sorely mistaken.

You and others here may differ from me, and want to have a solitary life with no one to bother you from your other pursuits - I honestly think that's fine and I wish you great success in it, I have just seen many men go down that path because of bitterness or fear and regretted it very, very much later in life.
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dragdeler

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #22 on: June 25, 2018, 01:35:29 pm »

-snip-
« Last Edit: January 18, 2019, 01:48:48 pm by dragdeler »
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Reelya

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #23 on: June 27, 2018, 07:29:21 am »

Relationships always involve compromise, and it's something you need to work on. I say that, because I know a few guys nearing their 40s who never compromised and now they're feeling very, very lonely. By not compromising or working at the relationship, you're just being selfish.

Yeah, they're feeling lonely but once they get into a relationship, it's the back to the same shit within 6 months and wanting out. The good ones already snapped each other up well before 40. And if someone has brushed off other people before, but now regrets it because they're lonely, it's most likely that the pattern will repeat once the novelty of being a couple wears off.

It's the mythology of being with someone that sucks people back in - and it's often only that first 3 months of relationship glow that they're really after.

Very few other people are worth letting someone else take over your whole life, especially once the fireworks are over. And if they're single and available, that in itself can be a red flag  - why, if they're so amazing aren't they already snapped up by someone else? Sure it's possible, just less likely.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2018, 07:36:31 am by Reelya »
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #24 on: June 27, 2018, 02:24:59 pm »

Relationships always involve compromise, and it's something you need to work on. I say that, because I know a few guys nearing their 40s who never compromised and now they're feeling very, very lonely. By not compromising or working at the relationship, you're just being selfish.

Yeah, they're feeling lonely but once they get into a relationship, it's the back to the same shit within 6 months and wanting out. The good ones already snapped each other up well before 40. And if someone has brushed off other people before, but now regrets it because they're lonely, it's most likely that the pattern will repeat once the novelty of being a couple wears off.

It's the mythology of being with someone that sucks people back in - and it's often only that first 3 months of relationship glow that they're really after.

Very few other people are worth letting someone else take over your whole life, especially once the fireworks are over.

I do agree it's harder as you get older, but not always. There's going to be people in the same situation as you, and people that were too focused on their career/whatever - you're going to be cutting out a lot of the bullshit time because you're both not going to care to go through all that. Sure, you'll have to look harder, but that's not always an issue.

Quote
And if they're single and available, that in itself can be a red flag  - why, if they're so amazing aren't they already snapped up by someone else? Sure it's possible, just less likely.
Because what's amazing to one person isn't amazing to someone else. Someone here said that they wanted to spend the weekend playing games - for someone that'd be the best time ever, for someone else that'd be hell.

I'd agree that there are few people that are worth letting take over your whole life, but they're out there.

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KittyTac

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #25 on: June 27, 2018, 09:37:51 pm »

I had an opportunity back in middle school. There was a girl that had the same interests as me, i.e gaming, but I just did not feel attracted.
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Reelya

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #26 on: June 27, 2018, 10:01:59 pm »

Back to something the OP said the line "you love the computer more than me" is a bit of a red flag statement.

It's a needy and insecure statement, that is also projecting onto the other person. It's pretty much guaranteed that the computer is not the problem. She/he would be jealous of any conceivable hobby or person who takes up your time.

My one, she didn't like me playing guitar or gaming or going to pubs. I also didn't seem to get any reading done for several years, because she didn't like me "not paying attention". One night a week they had some alternative/punk/rockabilly DJ thing at the pub and one time, she said it was ok for me to go, then must have messaged me 40+ times with passive aggressive texts, while I was there for a few hours.

But all she wanted to do was watch TV together - watching only the shows she liked of course. While she wasn't bitching about me not making sweeping romantic gestures, or heaping on random verbal abuse. This is the problem with dating an emotionally needy and abusive person. They don't like you doing anything that suggests you have an independent life, since they end up using emotional blackmail to control you, and they know that you finding happiness in anything else is a threat to their control. That's the reason you get the feeling "i did everything for her, but nothing was ever good enough". The game is that they keep you jumping through hoops, because that's how they self-validate that they're needed and wanted.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2018, 10:16:43 pm by Reelya »
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birdy51

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #27 on: June 28, 2018, 06:21:47 am »

I think it's complicated, and rightfully so. When you're trying to find someone you're willing to spend your life with, shit, be picky as hell. I know that eventually, I do want to find someone who I am able to fight with without breaking, be able argue with, but still be able agree. Someone to share to quiet times just as much as the loud.

But until then, I am not going to try to sweat it too much.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2018, 06:24:21 am by birdy51 »
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #28 on: June 29, 2018, 04:44:39 am »

Back to something the OP said the line "you love the computer more than me" is a bit of a red flag statement.

It's a needy and insecure statement, that is also projecting onto the other person. It's pretty much guaranteed that the computer is not the problem. She/he would be jealous of any conceivable hobby or person who takes up your time.
This can be a bit of a red flag statement, but it does all depend. Unless you find someone who is also into gaming then gaming is a pretty solo activity. If they don't have an interest in it, they just won't get it - quite in the same way as I don't understand people watching hours of reality TV every night.

So for them, it'll seem like you're doing something really boring and pointless over spending time with them. This comes back to finding someone who has similar likes and dislikes as you, and also sharing why it's important. One of my ex's thought all PC games were just arcade games/CoD multiplayer matches type things - that was literally her entire exposure to it. Once I showed her adventure games, and the stories in The Witcher and Mass Effect she was completely blown away, and understood why I'd want to play them.

All this to say, if gaming really is that important to you, you'll need to find someone to understand it completely or it'll never, ever work.
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KittyTac

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #29 on: June 29, 2018, 04:56:30 am »

See, this is why I decided that I want to stay alone. There are barely any people that really understand gaming in my immediate area. I will just stay out of this.
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