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Author Topic: Being "scared" of relationships  (Read 5493 times)

Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #30 on: June 29, 2018, 08:59:59 am »

See, this is why I decided that I want to stay alone. There are barely any people that really understand gaming in my immediate area. I will just stay out of this.

If that's your main criteria, there are ways to go about it. Meetup groups, online dating (which isn't as bad as it once was) and gaming nights/stores/etc are all options, these will all allow you to look a bit wider than your immediate area. More than that, long distance stuff will work better if you're both into gaming - playing multiplayer games with your significant other is probably one of the best ways to spend time with your partner, and I feel that those that don't do that are missing out. I went through Icewind dale with my partner and it was pretty much the best bonding experience ever.

You might also want to cast your net a bit wider than just video gaming - people into board games and general geekery will get it, as will anyone that has a really passionate hobby. Just be open about how important it is to you, and realise that regardless of how important you view it, you'll still need to make time for them. If the thought of making any time for someone is too much, then you're not ready for  dating.

 
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KittyTac

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #31 on: June 29, 2018, 09:10:13 am »

I just want to live a life alone. Can we please stop this discussion already?
« Last Edit: June 29, 2018, 09:12:19 am by KittyTac »
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Reelya

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #32 on: June 29, 2018, 09:19:30 am »

What? That's what this thread is about. if you're not interested in the topic, then just don't post in this thread.

It's a bit silly to demand that everyone else on the forum stop discussing the topic.

KittyTac

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #33 on: June 29, 2018, 09:31:43 am »

What? That's what this thread is about. if you're not interested in the topic, then just don't post in this thread.

It's a bit silly to demand that everyone else on the forum stop discussing the topic.
By that I meant "Stop talking to me."
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nenjin

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #34 on: June 29, 2018, 09:41:22 am »

What? That's what this thread is about. if you're not interested in the topic, then just don't post in this thread.

It's a bit silly to demand that everyone else on the forum stop discussing the topic.
By that I meant "Stop talking to me."

Then stop posting in the thread?
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Reelya

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #35 on: June 29, 2018, 09:55:53 am »

KittyTac, I'd like to point out that you've posted the same general statements here about not wanting a relationship 4-5 times over a 3 week period. Nobody directly responded to any of them except the most recent of those. So it seems weird that you'd complain that other people are pulling you back in by replying, since you kept posting the same general statement until you got a reply.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2018, 09:58:15 am by Reelya »
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #36 on: June 29, 2018, 12:07:20 pm »

I wasn't trying to single you out or anybody - but if you post on a thread you've got to assume you'll get a reaction; that's the whole point of a forum.

More than that, you posted a 'problem' (of no one in your area being like minded) and I tried to give you some potential solutions. This whole sub-board is called 'life advice' so it sorta suggests that if you post here, you're looking for advice.

 
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Stuebi

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #37 on: September 13, 2018, 08:01:10 am »

First of all, thanks for the responses, I apologize for not checking in again, I had a busy workload.

One thing that I should mention, I also find dating in general horrendously akward, and could probably do with finally getting off my butt and losing some weight. So it's not like I'm this stud that sits in his fortress of solitude constantly shooing away ladies.

But everytime it DOES come around to someone being interested, or me feeling attraction, I sort of shut down. Even though that I do sometimes feel lonely.

The big issue is something that was mentioned: I have a hard time finding somebody where the interests align. Any girl I ever met and was interested in me, had little to no interest in games, or any other media I consume for that matter. And I assume that this majorly hinders any sort of development as well.
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #38 on: September 13, 2018, 01:05:03 pm »

First of all, thanks for the responses, I apologize for not checking in again, I had a busy workload.

One thing that I should mention, I also find dating in general horrendously akward, and could probably do with finally getting off my butt and losing some weight. So it's not like I'm this stud that sits in his fortress of solitude constantly shooing away ladies.

But everytime it DOES come around to someone being interested, or me feeling attraction, I sort of shut down. Even though that I do sometimes feel lonely.

The big issue is something that was mentioned: I have a hard time finding somebody where the interests align. Any girl I ever met and was interested in me, had little to no interest in games, or any other media I consume for that matter. And I assume that this majorly hinders any sort of development as well.

Fitness/feeling good about yourself is always a great thing to do and I will vociferously shout down anyone who says otherwise. You don't need to get ripped or spend every hour in the gym, but showing you care for your self shows you can care for others and you'll feel 10000x more confident.

That shutting down thing may be in part due to your awkwardness - eventually you'll just sort of reach critical awkwardness and not want to continue. I think it's very common, but that'll go immediately if you have similar interests. Topics getting awkward? WHY HASN'T HALF LIFE 3 COME OUT YET OH MY GOD ISN'T IT AWFUL. Repeat until friends.

The interests aligning is a big one though - just try to get involved in more social stuff around your interests. Gaming meetups, conventions, etc. are all good. You DO have to put yourself out there, but it's the only way.

That being said, some stuff is very, very male oriented and you'll have to live with that if they're your main thing; if your big thing is craft beer drinking, it's gonna be a dude fest wherever you go. There's always a way though - if that was my thing, I'd go along to some general drinks festivals, go to some bar openings and get involved with my local artisan groups etc. the girls I met might not love craft beer, but we could discuss the general hobby area. More than that, you'll make friends who will know single people - if they're friends with them, then they're at least slightly on board with the hobby/interest.

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Parsely

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #39 on: September 13, 2018, 01:33:57 pm »

Here's my personal experience viewed through my outlook of optimism:
I have found dating to be nothing short of delightful. I started dating this year, since then I've met several people online and then had dates IRL. Sometimes it was awkward but I was glad I was meeting new people and trying something I'd never done before. I'm also not afraid to say no or even stop talking to someone if they're making me uncomfortable, and because I shut people down early the discomfort is minimal and I can focus on what I want: meeting new, interesting people, who are also interested in me.

Dating is only painful if you are forcing yourself to do it, or heaping loads of expectations on yourself or the other person. If you relax, be flexible, and be 100% honest with yourself and others, you can have fun dating. Don't date if the only reason you're doing it is because you think you should or other people want you to (i.e. don't do things that you don't wanna do).

I think that it's difficult to do any of those things if you can't love yourself first though. I've never been interested very long in meeting (keyword meeting) someone who hates and pities themselves, which is a shame because often those are people who need attention the most.

Lord Shiteblast

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #40 on: September 21, 2018, 08:43:21 am »

If you relax, be flexible, and be 100% honest with yourself and others, you can have fun dating. Don't date if the only reason you're doing it is because you think you should or other people want you to (i.e. don't do things that you don't wanna do).

I think that it's difficult to do any of those things if you can't love yourself first though. I've never been interested very long in meeting (keyword meeting) someone who hates and pities themselves, which is a shame because often those are people who need attention the most.

If you are that type of person though (anxious and depressed) then you can't exactly be honest about it when you're trying to meet people. It's a real turn off. You have to either endure being single until you're ready to meet people or suppress your symptoms and put on a face, neither of which are particularly healthy.

We're social animals, we need companionship and if you can't date then you're missing an essential part of life. I don't want to sound cruel, but the people that say "I want to be alone" or "I don't need anyone", I think you're honestly kidding yourselves. You can't replicate the feeling of being wanted or needed by someone romantically and going without it permanently is going to seriously mess you up.

As someone who has never had a relationship, it's completely soul-crushing. It's wrecked my self-esteem and the longer I go without the more I end up obsessing about it.

If you're also depressed then it feeds right into that too. The misery and hopelessness of it becomes a part of who you are and ultimately the centre of your existence.

We all feel alone sometimes, but feeling alone for your entire adult life is going to lead to an early grave.

I'm sorry for being such a dour bastard, but that's honestly how I feel about it at this point. It's just fucked.
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nenjin

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #41 on: September 21, 2018, 09:46:05 am »

For those of us that have been in relationships, we're better able to weigh the need for companionship versus the costs of said companionship. Being wanted by someone that isn't good for you isn't a net positive gain. And the energy it takes to sort through humanity to find someone that is good for you is also a cost to factor in.

Relationships seem magical and fulfilling from the outside. But they're just like everything else in life, they have the good and the bad. And, personally, the agony of relationship problems far, far outweighs any feelings of loneliness I may have.

The flipside to the good feels of being wanted is the pain of being rejected by that same person.
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Retropunch

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #42 on: September 21, 2018, 12:42:50 pm »

For those of us that have been in relationships, we're better able to weigh the need for companionship versus the costs of said companionship. Being wanted by someone that isn't good for you isn't a net positive gain. And the energy it takes to sort through humanity to find someone that is good for you is also a cost to factor in.

If I was to weigh it objectively I'd say they were a net gain for me - I've learnt more and shared something with people I've been in relationships with than anything else from 'normal' friends or family. More than that, whilst I pride myself on being a rigorously logical person, I think it's shallow to put relationships down to an objective cost-benefit analysis. There's a reason that most of the human race (and the reason everyone is here) has been in relationships of some sort, and I think it's because a truly great relationship goes above and beyond just 'does the fun outweigh the risk'

Whilst I don't think being completely alone is healthy, it's not that it can't work; there's always the small proportion that are completely different to everyone else and that's fine. However, I have to agree with the Lord that I think there's some self-delusion when a lot of people say they want to be alone - from what I've read here (and a lot of other people) they're scared/hate the idea of rejection to the point where they don't want to risk it, rather than that they actually truly don't want to be close to someone. All I can say is that from my experience, it's worth it in the long run.

That being said, a 'traditional' relationship may very well not work for you. I know a lot of people in all sorts of 'alternative' relationships. One of my friends classes themselves as completely asexual, however they have a very loving relationship with someone without any sexual component for instance. It may be you need to think about what sort of 'closeness' you want and how you think you can get it as it may be radically different to the 'norm'.

If you are that type of person though (anxious and depressed) then you can't exactly be honest about it when you're trying to meet people. It's a real turn off. You have to either endure being single until you're ready to meet people or suppress your symptoms and put on a face, neither of which are particularly healthy.
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As someone who has never had a relationship, it's completely soul-crushing. It's wrecked my self-esteem and the longer I go without the more I end up obsessing about it.
If you're also depressed then it feeds right into that too. The misery and hopelessness of it becomes a part of who you are and ultimately the centre of your existence.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that - I really am. I think the core is not to rush it - whilst I do think it's an important thing, it's not something that has a time limit on it so you don't need to worry about it happening right now. I know a lot of people who haven't found someone serious until late 40s and that worked for them.

As with the OP, you may need to go wider to find the 'right' person for you - if you have social anxiety, meet someone you can chat with for ages online with first and then meet doing something you're comfortable with. I know one guy who was terrified of dating but he was a mini golf pro - he always used to take them there, as he had something he could concentrate on no matter how it was going. He even used to go for a test run if they changed the track.

It's also fine to be clear about your situation - you don't need to reel off your symptoms to them, just say 'So, I find it hard to meet new people - would you mind if we chatted for a while before we moved it further?'. Again, couple this with working on yourself religiously - gym, learn a skill (to the point of mastery) and take care of yourself as best you can - even if gym/whatever isn't you, try it for 6 months and get back to me.

Not qualified at all, but if anyone's struggling and needs a chat/vent, I'm a PM away.
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nenjin

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #43 on: September 21, 2018, 04:20:27 pm »

The point is to act when something feels right, rather than throwing yourself out there to check that relationship box. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for that to happen, and am ok with not finding it. Separating the biological drive to couple and mate from what's actually good for you.

I'd rather be in no relationship than be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I've watched enough collapsed marriages, couples that are unhappy with each other but are still together, and people cheating like fucking crazy to know this. I've had enough relationships that I eventually wanted out of to know this.

If you've never been in a relationship, then yes, being in one regardless of its content is going to seem like a goal. Before I'd been with anyone, I thought this was how it worked.

Once you've hooked up with someone just to hook up though, it changes your perspective a bit. Just being in a relationship isn't enough; being in a relationship you *actually want to be in* is the point.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2018, 04:22:53 pm by nenjin »
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If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the Gods, and the nights will flame with fire.
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Parsely

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Re: Being "scared" of relationships
« Reply #44 on: September 21, 2018, 11:31:01 pm »

If you've never been in a relationship, then yes, being in one regardless of its content is going to seem like a goal. Before I'd been with anyone, I thought this was how it worked.

Once you've hooked up with someone just to hook up though, it changes your perspective a bit. Just being in a relationship isn't enough; being in a relationship you *actually want to be in* is the point.
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