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[IronyOwl]

GET IN HERE NERDS WE'RE RAISING A PRINCESS

-Begin
-Begin without backstory you uncultured swine
-Violate causality

Good to know where we stand.



Please don't name either butts please don't name either butts please don't name either butts


Please choose a delivery option.


Please be older than the princess please be older than the princess please be older than the princess


"When would you say it all started to go wrong?"


Finally, our daughter will need a blood tie, because she's the corniest horror villain.

[IronyOwl]

Table of Contents
-Intro
-Update 1: Swag
-Update 2: Extravagance
-Update 3: "Gendo Ikari Tier"
-Update 4: Nice Pension, Dad
-Update 5: Everything Fixed Forever

[Dermonster]

Time to make the *best dad*

Surname: Helbindr. A good wizardly dad name. Best dad. No bias.

Name: Nullaria

Birthday: April 1st

Age: 25

Birthday2: July 30

Blood Type: AB

[EuchreJack]

I wanna go back in time!

For the Princess, where are we at in the alphabet?  I though we were going alphabetically.

[birdy51]

I wanna go back in time!

For the Princess, where are we at in the alphabet?  I though we were going alphabetically.

You might be thinking of Long Live the Queen. That said, I support Derm's opinion on naming. Nullaria was her mother's name, god bless her dead ass soul.

[IronyOwl]

I wanna go back in time!

For the Princess, where are we at in the alphabet?  I though we were going alphabetically.

You might be thinking of Long Live the Queen. That said, I support Derm's opinion on naming. Nullaria was her mother's name, god bless her dead ass soul.

That was indeed in Long Live the Queen, but we did briefly get to C for Chillodie.

[IronyOwl]

Update 1: Swag



They didn't mention Heaven's grace enough, so Heaven sent demons to murder them all. I can't imagine why the people weren't blabbering nonstop about Heaven's grace.




Being peaceful made it extra easy for Heaven to righteously massacre them all.




Judgemental wandering asshole appears out of nowhere, eh? TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME


Did I mention overpowered wandering asshole?


You guys are missing out on a fantastic deep Japanese samurai voice here.


If he was wrong, they'd probably have at least one guy in the kingdom who could do what we did on a lark.


On the other hand, we're a wandering asskicker, not a theologian.


Some duel to the death! Unless demons are immortal instruments of the Will of Heaven and so cannot die or something.


Not to detract from our own heroism and glory but I feel like an introspective "holy shit we are bad at war" might also be appropriate here.




A pension. Demons would be sipping blood wine out of your skulls if we hadn't singlehandedly stopped it, and you're going to award me the greatest honor you can bestow:

A pension.




I hear good things come from listening to voices beyond the stars.




That's our name alright, Mighty Warrior. Our middle name is Heroic.




This better not end with us getting probed again.


Not to nitpick and I know this is the least miraculous thing here but this looks like more of a beam of light than a ball.


Easy to remember, at least. None of this Earl of Frankfurt which doesn't actually contain Frankfurt nonsense.


Oh, so the humans down here were so crappy you had to handcraft perfect replacements for after demons ate them all?!


Now I know you're one of the guys who voted yes on murdering all life but are you SURE this is a good idea?


Okay but you remember we're dumb enough to duel a demon lord to the death to save some worthless assholes and get a shitty pension right?


That sounds ominous. Was that meant to be ominous, God of War?


"And, you know, just sayin', last time we watched over somebody and didn't like what we saw, well, I think you were there!"




At least we got a slave out of the deal.


Okay, it's parenting time.


I don't know what any of these do, but I'd think a girl who literally descended from the heavens would have higher faith.


This is how we plan her schedule. There are three blocks, and we pick an option for each block. I have no idea if order matters.


Each broad option contains several sub-options. Note that most things cost money, but working a job produces money.


So! How shall we plan our daughter's first month since a year after we found her?

[Dermonster]

: Listen, no kid of mine is going to run aroudn willy nilly without knowing how to at least set something on fire.
: It's shameful, I tell you. Two rounds of magic class! No I don't care that she's a toddler- get off my back, it's an important familial legacy!
: Then she can relax by 'Working' at the Inn. Those lazy bastards never seem to do anything. Easy money, and early exposure to numerous dumbasses so her expectations for her fellow humans will be properly shattered. Plus there might be a bar brawl!
Win - Win - Win.

[IronyOwl]

Update 2: Extravagance



You guys could have stopped this. Why didn't you stop this?


Whaddya mean children like food?!




Oh, haha, uh


Turns out those costs were per day!

Oops.


Protip: Do not get in debt to a wizard. Just don't do it man. It's gonna get weird.


At least there's still manual labor.





I foresee a lot more toiling in the fields and a lot less magical training than originally envisioned.






Why not! We're in a money-spending mood and magically inclined.






I spent half a day's magical training on this.






Apparently you can visit the palace now and then, and talk to somebody to increase your connections. I went with the gatekeeper because oops, but it sorta worked out. He recommended we talk to fancier people.

So that was an unmitigated disaster. Now what?

[Dermonster]

: Listen.
: Just because I'm an all powerful walking disaster of a magician doesn't mean I know anything about money.
: Why the hell am I in charge of this again? I thought the butler was taking care of the bills. Why didn't they warn me?
: Someone is getting plus or minus fingers for this.
: But shit, We're almost flat broke. I'd go murder a dragon but my show's on and I don't feel like it.
: OI BUTLER! SEND THE HELLION TO THE FARM! It'll be a learning experience. Get some chloromancy going on.

[E. Albright]

She's learned everything there is to know about magic now, it's high-time she learns to make her way in the world. There's gold in them dunes! To the desert!

[IronyOwl]

Update 3: "Gendo Ikari Tier"



Derm's vote counts twice because he has pretty pictures and there's only one other person to stop him.

Cube's vote counts for nothing because DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M MADE OF WEAPONS AND ARMOR?


Ten year old heavenspawn daughter of the hero who saved the kingdom, working in the fields like a peasant.


Yes tell me more about how if heaven gets pissed at its own daughter we'll have to kick their asses a second time.


Two days?! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN

She does better the second week, gaining 7 days' worth of work and reducing my urge to feed this asshole to his own pigs.


As you can see, toiling in the fields boosts strength and stamina but reduces elegance and builds stress. Unfortunately total gains are displayed only briefly so I can't reliably get good images of them.


This will end well!


Thank you desert management service.


A visitor!


This isn't a charming prince. This isn't a charming prince at all!


I guess we talk to strangers?


Another wandering guy! Maybe these are what adventurers farm for loot after all?


Like preachy old people instead of gold in them dunes?


All these people and still no giant scorpions! This desert is crap!


I mean, you're out here as far as we are.

Oh! Or did you mean brave for an unarmed, unarmored ten year old girl with no combat training because her father is dad of the year?


Either he hasn't made much progress later that night or all unwashed vagrants look the same to us.


Finally! Nullaria smells blood!


Uhhhhhhh little serial killer ish here, we may have made a mistake.




Diplomacy goes about as well as expected.


I don't think we got this guys.


At least she's spry!


She misses her attempt to punch the goblin and then this happens.


WE FUCKED UP


Yes... yes it's the lady that's a lot of work, and not her mooching irresponsible father.


Still better than hauling us home after we blow our pension at the local tavern.


Probably asking "The fuck was that, Dad?!" for most of those days.


But she's led such a charmed life!




So our first few months of official parentdom have best been described as "Who trusted you with a child?!", to which we answer HEAVEN ITSELF. Unfortunately that brings up the demons thing and how we explicitly disagreed with that so we still end up diverolling away more often than not.


We are also once again allowed into the palace for our monthly hobnobbing. Additionally, we can have a father-daughter talk, lecture, or discuss the subject of pocket money, if we think those will help.


Schedule options courtesy of Derm's whining.

[Dermonster]

: Who the- I said go to the woods! The desert is for intermediate adventures, not ameture hour!
: Are- Was that backtalk!? Sounds like someone needs more time at the farm!
: And then you can go to the eastern forests like how everybody starts out. Since you don't know anything and I'm not letting you near a wand yet, you can run if you have to. Try to get some treasure this time?
: After that, if you did good, you can have some free time. if not YOU GET TO CLEAN THE HOUSE!

[Maximum Spin]

: NO
: RESTAURANT
: IMMEDIATELY


: FOREVER

[IronyOwl]

Update 4: Nice Pension, Dad



Derm wins by initiative, so she goes restaurant->forest->rest instead of serving food for all eternity.

: "Are you SURE you don't want to give her an actual weapon?"

: "I'm not made of knives, damn it! At the moment. Long story."

: RESTAURANT FOREVER

: "..."

Spoiler: Part 1, Restaurant (click to show/hide)

It could have gone better.

Spoiler: Part 2, Forest (click to show/hide)

Random guards say hello.


Ooh, a hole. That means...


...more guards interrupt with more advice.


Night was falling just as she crawled out of her hole in the middle of the forest, so you could tell good things were about to happen.


RUN AWAAAAAAAAAY


What do you mean you can't outrun a hawk?!


Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

Incidentally, a common hawk has a fighter reputation of 129, while an unarmed ten year old girl weighs in at 40. These are some interesting scales.


20 HP is a lot if you deal 0 damage per hit.


Nullaria wisely flees after taking some talons to the face.


"He who fights and runs away...?"


"Is run down like the coward they are for breaking formation," apparently.


It's almost like it's a predator built to run down small fleeing mammals.


HERE GOES NOTHING


SMALL CHILD used CHILD PUNCH. It's not very effective...


WRETCH HAWK used SNATCH SMALL TERRIFIED MAMMAL. It's super effective!


Cocky bird.




This should probably count as rest but it doesn't.

Spoiler: Part 3, Rest (click to show/hide)

: "I will, of course!"

: "That'll take you away from your work, and thus cost 100g."

: "You will, of course!"

: WHAT WORK

: WHERE PENSION

I have taken the liberty of annotating our child labor character building options with their general stat effects.