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Give it a rest!

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Go on an adventure. Claim your rightful place at the had of The Sect of Knighting.

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OH GOD YES!

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Total Members Voted: 3

[CaptainArchmage]

Here's the update for the rest of autumn.



The poll has been reset! I just want to know where you want the fortress to go (overseer has overrides). As to the last one, the winning poll option was "be more adventurous", so sometime (likely at the end of next year) we're going to be shifting attention outside of this dwarven colony or outpost. It's still an important location like for when some attempted coup on The Sensitive Continents inevitably fails.

10th Timber

With the full moon having blown over, the lockdown is raised and attention turns to the state of affairs in the fortress. As enough barrels were made to economically store the meat we bought (a whopping 797 separate dietary units are in the fortress) I’ve dismantled the stockpiles in Staging Area 7.

13th Timber



Atop the tower, I’m going to see whether we can get a proper plaque put on this masterwork door. The first plaque will be made of giant kea bone and this is the potential door to The Abbey of Thundering.

17th Timber



This train of production is actually very useful. This door is going to be fitted to the temple now, but I’m going to go ahead and decorate the other doors while I can.

19th Timber



Military reforms day! The Cheerful Theatres under Zasit Hailwhips now represent a separate squad. I’m not making him Sheriff yet because he’s too important for that.



The new barracks has been set up. The floor hasn't been smoothed up but we'll get around to that sometime. Because we can have a couple of squads training in here at a time, I'll probably fit in a few more beds.

21st Timber




Oh Geez.

23rd Timber



Of course, the news of a legendary beer mug being in Claspedbowels is hard to contain, given everyone’s been drinking out of it. Our fortress grows more cosmopolitan by the day. Soon, the surrounding areas will be unrecognisable - a fitting transformation for The Combined Forests.

25th Timber



We have a new permanent resident, Jathbi Yoretile. I just rubbed-stamped the request since our fortress is mostly concerned with fixing shit.

1st Moonstone



Winter is upon us, and the trees are bare. I Fakerfangirl has again put together a report for the accounts. Population is up 2 (permanent residency cards), and created wealth is up 39047 Suns. Imports in the last season were worth 10094 and exports were 23034. In terms of food stocks, our stores are up by 983 units but drinks are down 104 units. Therefore, this season a lot of beer and cherries will be processed.



I cannot stress how hard this was to do, but we have a couple of decorated items. I think we can actually personalise the furniture around here, and it would help with all the moves being made from room to room. One of the items is a replacement armour stand which is going in Imic's room, and then there's this well-deserved coffer with a masterful image of FakerFangirl on it.



After all the hustled management of putting the right bone plaques on the right things, I got a look at Jathbi Yoretile, our newest resident. She was 16 when applying for residency, but just turned 17 today and I’m kind of sorting out a new room for her. I find the nature of her personality disturbing, but even more so I find disturbing her reaction to arts and downright contradictory on personal freedoms.

Spoiler: Let's go, dwarves? (click to show/hide)

Sounds like The Realm of Jungles needs some freedom… as does the Council of Dragons, which rules Chestnutdots about three days travel away on the other side of the continent.

I think we have a good extra year to fix shit in our fortress, and we need to expand the underground dwellings. The surface is woefully indefensible so some walls would help. I also want some plumbing and a shaft down to the [REDACTED] but prioritisation comes first. We are better laying low, however, and I don't want to get the attention of the goblins before we have our militias ready to go, so we're keeping the fort population restricted to below 80 residents and citizens. Instructions from the Mountainhomes say keep trouble to a minimum, but exploring an empty or abandoned site like the elven retreat directly to the north shouldn't be a problem. The plan is... going all according to plan.

Just as planned.

[Verb]

Excited to see how grimdark this fort is going to become : ]
Dorf me as the tavern keeper or chef please.

[CaptainArchmage]

Excited to see how grimdark this fort is going to become : ]
Dorf me as the tavern keeper or chef please.

Easter means a bit more time here (and on Boatmurdered 2200 Redux with Dwarf Megacorporations).

Spoiler: No Shit Urist (click to show/hide)

The Grimdarkness happened because the chief medical dwarf, Led Clutchedcrypts, literally decided to make a legendary coffin and name it... Led Clutchedcrypts. Its value was about 30-50% of the fortress wealth at that time.



As to you, you have the perfect dwarven match.


You are now the tavern keeper, Solon "Verb" Rosyearths. You are 135 years old, and will turn 136 on the 25th of Obsidian, conveniently a few days before the big ass-lockdown that always accompanies the second full moon in that month. Once upon a time, you were a humble fishery worker in the hillocks of Boltwet in The Hill of Canyons, which borders on The Solitary Dune on the westernmost fringe of dwarven settlement, where you were incidentally born. Further to the west were the untamed wilds of The Combined Forests, but you were discouraged from ever travelling there. The hillocks, being on the fringe of civilization, were also the site of kidnappings and based on the news you picked up lately this hasn't changed. In Boltwet, your daily work involved fishing, cleaning fish, and occasionally dissecting moghoppers for the precious and extraordinarily valuable mog juice.

Afterwards, you decided to chase your fortunes elsewhere and moved to the more cosmopolitan mountain halls of Lancechanneled in the very heart of The Letter of Bands beneath the peaks of The Competitive Horns, where you met your wife Zutthan Distinctbolts, a travelling salesdwarf with a subterranean agrarian background. You had seven children by her, three sons and four daughters, but your employment was sporadic, becoming dependent on Zutthan's income for support. There were no moghoppers deep underground, and most food was either farmed in the caverns or imported.
That all changed just over a year ago when you got wind of a new fortress named Claspedbowels established within The Combined Forests, a little to the northwest of birthplace. You and Zutthan made the move there tailing behind the autumn caravan. As luck would have it, a tavern was established named The League of Legends within a day or two of your arrival, and you were made it's keeper. In the following months, a legendary figurine named Kinwasps, was added to the interior. Business picked up quickly and now your job is to deliver vast quantities of alcohol to visitors, burning through the supply of alcohol and mugs. You recently had a new, epically legendary mug called Wanedcrews delivered to the mug stockpile but you can't help but feel you need more.



This is the current scene at The League of Legends. You are socialising with Fikod Frostyrazor, a marksdwarf, in the south section, which should be a musical area but never ceased being a mason's shop. There are five legendary-skilled warriors visiting here right now. The dwarves to the north are eating meat, bought from the caravan. You think this place should really have a lot more cooked food. Fakerfangirl has just entered the room to the south, after filling in the final accounts for the season of autumn. An exceptional quality armour stand was just taken out of here and you reckon it's either going upstairs for decoration or downstairs for installation. In the southwestern corner of the bar, Aban the trader is socialising with Satta Brunchboys, a human lord-consort from one or other human nation. She lately produced the artefact mug Wanedcrews you stored in here, which was made out of rock salt but insulated by a layer of mule bone. Aban has no memory of this, because her body was possessed by some spiritual force beyond the shroud of comprehension (so far - scholars are working on that). Zuthan is drinking without a cup in the next door drinks stockpile, which sucks. Maybe we need a new goblets stockpile here...



This is your current abode. It's a modest quarters with an -oaken bed- and a ≡rock salt coffer≡ and actually varies little from the rooms that were standard around here, until recently. In the last season, however, dwarves have started to get more personalised furniture of far higher quality, often depicting themselves. Long term plans both from the fortress' leadership and your own suggest these rooms would, in the future be rented out to guests so you might be moving soon. Within reason, you could have a house built or carved out, either deeper underground or on the surface. It might be a good time to place some demands on the fort leadership...




This is your current state of mind and body. You are a casual worshipper of Atír the Tan Saffron, and there happens to be a large temple named The Monastery of Mushroom on the surface should you ever need to pray to her. Nish Uzolothôs (Canyonangels) is your granddaughter through your second eldest daughter, Medtob Adagbim (Soakedsling), part of your large and expanding extended family and you're uneasy having been away from them. You are uneasy after having not being able to practice a skill, and you are distracted as you haven't practiced a craft lately... not that you ever did but now would be a good time to start. You also feel like you should learn a martial art, especially after that Weregila monster attack last year left three animals dead and could have really threatened the fortress.



You could start fishing again, and that would be a great source of alternative diet and shells in case someone ends up in a strange mood and needs one. These pools are a great source of moghoppers during the summer. This central peninsula is a perfect place to establish a surface retreat or something, and can be made super-defensible if a wall and keep is built to the south.

Of course, fishing isn't a craft per se. There are, however, professions nobody in the fortress is skilled in. You don't have any metal crafters, blacksmiths, armourers, and you don't have potters or waxworkers either. However, facilities for those will have to wait until you have the infrastructure. You do know nobody in the fortress can make wood or bone crossbows though, and actually there's a recruitment drive for crossbowdwarves right now without the fortress having the requisite crossbows. You have a season or two before you have to make a decision but you think it's OK to go part-time on your tavern duties.

It's your call... probably...

[Verb]

Wow, thanks for dorfing me! On further reflection I realize that I should have gone with 'grimdorf me' to stay on theme, however.

Thanks in addition for that excellent narrative and breakdown of Solon! He's my first dorfed character! As such, I think I'll break out the ol' drawing tablet and see if I can make some lines of him that don't look terrible! : ]

I'm amazed that he has seven children, yet considers his dream of raising a family unfulfilled, how many does this dude want?!

Reading his thoughts however, he seems to take much pleasure in running the tavern, however he may enjoy working to capture fish and such on the side to fill his need to practice a craft and acquire objects (if a fish or such thing counts as an object).

In any case, I'm looking forward to seeing more from you, as I've really enjoyed what you've written so far, and the future of this fort in general!

[CaptainArchmage]

Wow, thanks for dorfing me! On further reflection I realize that I should have gone with 'grimdorf me' to stay on theme, however.

Thanks in addition for that excellent narrative and breakdown of Solon! He's my first dorfed character! As such, I think I'll break out the ol' drawing tablet and see if I can make some lines of him that don't look terrible! : ]

I'm amazed that he has seven children, yet considers his dream of raising a family unfulfilled, how many does this dude want?!

Reading his thoughts however, he seems to take much pleasure in running the tavern, however he may enjoy working to capture fish and such on the side to fill his need to practice a craft and acquire objects (if a fish or such thing counts as an object).

In any case, I'm looking forward to seeing more from you, as I've really enjoyed what you've written so far, and the future of this fort in general!

Thanks, that's very encouraging! The fort is probably going to be retired within the next year or two to focus on another part of the world with an adventurer. You can actually set up multiple fortresses and adventurers in this game.

I think the technical reason why "dreams of raising a family" is unfulfilled is it only gets checked when a child is born to the family inside the fortress. If/when children happen, it will be "fulfilled".

Also :-/ update. There's more, but won't be up today.

1st Moonstone 251: Continued

   After creating our new Marksdwarf squad, I decided to look at our labour and infrastructure situation. Unfortunately, that produced quite grim results, with multiple dwarves having long periods of unemployment without doing anything productive, and when they do something productive it is usually construction work or shifting items from A to B. This is a result of kicking the can down the road when it came to assigning labours during the migration wave last autumn, so we’re now facing the consequences.
   We’re lacking entirely in certain skills, such as metal crafting, blacksmithing, armouring, pottery, wax working, leathercrafting, and bow-making. The majority of those require extra infrastructure to make use out of but the last two are actually good to go. We have 294 tanned hides, most of which are located in the stockpiles. We also have 220 logs accessible for use, so we can train up a boyer.

   I promptly order a temporary leather works in STORAGE AREA 51 and assign Kib Mansionstroked the poet to work in there. She’s a great poet, and has fulfilled her dream of raising a family but seems to want to practice a craft and a martial art as well. We’ll deal with the former first.
   As to pottery, I’m going to assign that job to a number of dwarves. Zutthan Distinctbolts, wife of Solon “Verb” Rosyearths comes to mind, though she has picked up some mechanical skills as well during her time in The Barricaded Vault and I have asked her to be ready to work on those jobs. Additional dwarves I have put down for pottery are the fisher dwarves Rovod Loneknife and Limul Weakpillar; for now these duties will be sporadic and feature collection of clay we can later turn into pots and bricks.

   I still trust only Sanctume with the manufacturing process for mechanisms, so I’m integrating an engineering room across from The Barricaded Vault and will move the current residents, including Limul, down to sexier quarters downstairs in Staging Area Seven. The plans are shown above, and while we’re on them I want FakerFangirl to move into the southern room with all the armour as a bigger office someday, but that isn’t today.

   Regarding fishing, The new fishing areas have been designated and will be used once the fisher’s workshop is done. I realise we have several dwarves who used to do this kind of work. Rovod Loneknif and Limul Weakpillar were two of them, but also included are Solon “Verb” Rosyearths, Dumed Pagedcontained, and Besmar Calmgears and a few others. I’m not going to screw up the farming industry but we’re going to start fishing again.  A fishery will be set up next to the tower’s craftsdwarf shop where all the decoration is going on.

5th Moonstone

The alert’s just gone up for the full moon. Everyone is being pulled inside and the doors are going to be locked. Sorry fisher dwarves, you’ll have to finish that later.

7th Moonstone



Our doors are sealed to protect against any more vile incursions by the creatures of the night. In the meantime, I decided to chase up an issue I heard the Tavern Keeper, who seems to have started referring to himself as “Verb”, moping about - a certain Nish Canyonangels, who was apparently his granddaughter. As an upstanding citizen who is carrying out a vital task, and who wants more involvement in fortress affairs, I decided to commission a set of artworks as a surprise for “Verb” about his family and specifically Nish Canyonangels. I told Rigòth to keep it under wraps and this is what came up - Nish was abducted - according to my logic, multiple times.



You see, it seems there are two goblin civilizations that rule the north of this world. One is The Grasping Phlegm-Vice, which rules over the dark goblin fortress of Shameprofane, with a population of roughly 10,000. This site is literally tied the leader with the Dark Goblin Fortress of Demonfences here in terms of population.



Demonfences is the likely capital of The Scorpion of Juices. It’s also cut off from The Sensitive Continents, rather located on this remote Continent of Ash where it vies for dominance with the Confederations of Working, a human civilization. It’s not yet part of the grand scheme of things but one day, we may extend our reach there. One day, sooner than later.



Back to The Sensitive Continents. So there is a second goblin civilization which is kind of minor. It’s called The Demon of Rats. They launched a successful raid on the goblin fortress of Shameprofane and took Nish to the  dark goblin pits of Hatedrespect. Judging by the placement of Shameprofane, it was once the capital of The Demon of Rats but probably got taken over in some goblin-on-goblin conflict. Nish must have been abducted by The Grasping Phlegm-Vice and then abducted again by their rival civilization. Anyways, maybe we need to send someone to rescue Nish or get her out of there. Fortunately, Hatedrespect has way fewer goblins and so getting someone in will be easier.

Holy shit. I mean, “Verb” can literally see these statues sitting in there in the mason's stockpile and I don’t literally even know what to say now. Hopefully I can make up for this clusterfuck of a present .

[Verb]

"Holy shit. I mean, “Verb” can literally see these statues sitting in there in the mason's stockpile..."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Solon “Verb” Rosyearths expressed concern upon viewing the finely-crafted «Present»

[CaptainArchmage]

"Holy shit. I mean, “Verb” can literally see these statues sitting in there in the mason's stockpile..."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Solon “Verb” Rosyearths expressed concern upon viewing the finely-crafted «Present»

Well at least you can draw. That's a good start. Keep up the good work and you might even get exhibited one day.

9th Moonstone



The full moon is over, so yet again the alert goes down and the doors are unlocked. Downstairs, I have asked for some cobbling work to be done so our dwarves have fresh pairs of shoes to wear. We’re also going to be making some fresh robes, coats, and other items of clothing... might put in a work order for that through Imic whom I'm going to go to a place called Blackout Drunk with.

(scribbled in, just about legible)

Pre-drinking for Imic's 80th has got me quite tired so, I'm going to go sleep for a while. It's not like everything is going to get totally fucked up when I'm asleep?

13th Moonstone



So as soon as I awaken, I am asked to part with Wanedcrews by some marksdwarf and of course, I say “hell no”. Then I go upstairs and figure out what the fuck else happened.



Uhhh, what? So firstly, this guy turned hostile about two days ago while I was sleeping. Secondly, it's the 13th. Better up security around here. And take a name check on those other dwarves!



The apparent thief is making an escape to the north. I'm not going to hunt him down... yet.

15th Moonstone



As long as she doesn’t cause any trouble that’s fine by me.



She certainly seems to be less extreme than Jathbi Yoretile.



Shit, it was Imic’s birthday yesterday! Damn I was sleeping so long! I guess I missed the show but he’s got some great rooms! Happy belated 80th! Oh well, must have been delayed due to the commotion. We did have a red alert...



These are all his holdings.



We get this masterfully designed, masterwork armour stand for Sanctume with an image on it of him being promoted to motherfucking militia commander. It’s definitely going in his office, no two ways about it.



Another petition! These are getting serious now! Population stands at 54 citizens and residents. I can risk about 21 more, but then we’ve got to move on to upping our defences a lot.



I need some more cards to make some permanent residency documents. Over the previous few months I went from these more sexy cards like these ones...



... to this. I've stuck in an example for how a card should normally look, but we're also out of paper. Now as it turns out, our messenger has been stressed out because he hasn't been practicing a skill or craft, and I can sort both of those out at once. Having experience making paper, there's a little paper making project awaiting him to alleviate his situation. A screw press is or has been installed in the library workshop, so he can start pressing paper out of slurry which is coming from the mill on the surface.



There sure are some embarrassing situations that can happen in life, and one of the biggest inconveniences is this one. Thankfully, with a source of paper, and naturally preservative rock salt scroll rollers, we can once again clean our rear ends properly. Running water is next in that department.



Wow. Tosir is a legendary stonecrafter and she made an artefact once. Now that’s what I'm talkin' about!



We’re not delaying the walls any longer! Claspedbowels has had too many close shaves. We’re going to start churning out all the rock salt blocks we can and secure our destiny. If only our broker Rigòth would stop discussing The Wedge in The Barricaded Vault and get up here...



Yet another residency request by Cosla Tangledeagle. My rubber stamp will run out of ink at this rate!

18th Moonstone

Today, I approved request of Cobár Bridgedcheeks to reside in Claspedbowels. There is little more to be said, it seems our fortress has grown in influence and popularity, yet we must spread out our population to the outlying areas and fortify first.

19th Moonstone



Aw fuck!



Figures.

At least she only needs rocks!



Oh NOW we’re talking! Sadly I don’t think mercenaries ever ask for citizenship but this guy is a huge boon to us nonetheless. Human pikeman!

20th Moonstone

I’ve decided to fix the military issue since we’ve got only one swordsdwarf squad. I arm up all the legendary dwarves (Ber Bronzedrill, Number 2; Logem Helmedmost, Number 4) with the remaining obsidian swords after assigning them to The Diamond Play, add Rovod Loneknife to the squad at Number 3, and finally put in Penoc Tomedells at Number 5.

I also gave Innah Webreigned residency.

25th Moonstone



Cerol Torchtest has just begun work on her artefact. The base material is rock salt, then there’s some limonite and magnetite involved. I have high expectations.

Unfortunately, Penoc Tomedells seems to not be able to equip the pike he was carrying. Truly Disappointing.

26th Moonstone



Turns out Mercenaries just use their own equipment. I released Penoc from the squad, but also picked up Kûbuk Mirroredbent, a speardwarf. They’re now using their old equipment, so it should be fine. I’m a bit worried about not being able to direct them around though…

[CaptainArchmage]

Update as to the first half of midwinter. A lot is going on and the micromanagement and planning has slowed down progress. A crown fitting of Claspedbowels is created, we get another terrifying look at the food industry, and we find out just how many dwarves have had relatives abducted...

1st Opal



We’re now through to midwinter. Once the outpost is established more cleanly, by which I mean we have a defensible site which can serve plenty of industries, we can start looking away from the fortress. My first inclination is due north, to the ruins of the elven retreat known as Ordermauve.



I think “Verb”’s leaning towards practicing some craft (he’s currently preparing raw fish), any craft, which means I’m going to make him also the fortress boyer for now. At this rate, he could become one of the most important dwarves in the fortress. Tavern keeping and fishing also suite him too, so I’ll have to set up some kind of fishing settlement in the central peninsula next to the mills. This is great, because there’s an obvious aquifer underneath it that stop us building huge connections between the surface and underground there. Might as well use that for farming and less defence-critical surface lodgings.

The full moon is in three days, so I’m going to be raising some alerts soon.

2nd Opal: The Crown of Salt



Cerol just finished her artefact, Tôsed Gulnas “The Stop of Islands”. It is an epic-level rock salt crown, which she has claimed as an heirloom in the name of the family ancestor Asmel Helmscry.



There are no images on it, but it does not matter. We now have a crown to go with our fortress, and it shall be displayed in The Barricaded Vault. The value of the artefact is 21,600 Suns.

I immediately order a figurine to be made of Asmel Helmscry, or I would have if the workshop had any space in the jobs list.



Oh hey Dumed Pagedcontained cooked a masterpiece meal! I haven’t checked in on how he’s doing for a while now.



Shit, that biscuit is nuts.



The other crap in the barrel is literally, nut roast and this diabeetusgeddon whopper.



I try to see what’s on his mind and he whimpers something about îton Shovedrope. After the incident with Solon’s horrorstatues I should probably not do this but my curiosity has the better of me… I commission a statue.



Yep. It’s another abduction horror story. I guarantee it. îton is his niece.

3rd Opal

Lockdown is in effect and the doors are barred.

4th Opal

The full moon is out. Now we will know whether any were beasts have come… normally they run in immediately or something.



The duo of images concerning Dumed Pagedcontained and îton Shovedrope came out. Seems like Dumed is frankly out-shone by Ber Bronzedrill.



And then there’s this kicker. Fuck man.



Manorentered is a dwarven hillocks under The Letter of Bands, our civilization. It is located in The Hills of Attacking, and borders on The Scarlet Desert. We had one report of a goblin invasion in this area, and unlike the southern edge of the mountains it is a dangerous area. Two dwarven fortresses lie ruined in this area, and there are literally no tunnels leading through raising the travel time to four days. I don’t know where îton Shovedrope has ended up, but we probably rely on an adventurer. îton Shovedrope is 5 years old now, so there’s a good five-six years to come up with a rescue option.



I finally had the space to order a figurine of Asmel Helmscry. He was born in 54, and that’s all the information we have.

Maybe I’ll make the full moon shutdowns a time for storytelling or checking out the history of our population? I don’t know, it seems like a good idea though…

And shit. Degël Galleyoil, a bard, just showed up in the outskirts of our fort. I guess tomorrow we can open up the fortress early…

6th Opal



We ended the lockdown early - something I didn’t want to have to do, but all the signs said it was OK. We now have designated and made considerable progress on the first major entrance to our fort, though it will not be for a while until it shall be given a name. Some major tree-cutting will be required around this area, something I held off on for a while.

7th Opal



I wanted this on the damn coffer, not on the bag. But it’s still pretty snazzy. Damn. It’s going in The House.



This House, resided in by our resident 14-year-old astronomer.



This astronomer.



The figurine of Asmel Helmscry was finished so I finally know what his history was like. He was promoted to the position of mayo of the Wall of Combat. Strangely enough, that was Minehush! Damn, two descriptions of Minehush’s history. I order another two figurines, another of Asmel Helmscry and one about Minehush. Surprise us, Imic.

8th Opal



Shit. So this is the southern gate, and to the east you have what will be the southeastern most corner of the fortress. Now, fucking up all our plans to the contrary, is this giant mosquito. At least it’s only one giant mosquito, and nobody is around at the moment.



This is the current situation in The League of Legends. So first of all, I have set down a goblet stockpile (literally labelled “Goblet Stockpile”) because dwarves who are not directly served don’t have self-serving access to those items. Secondly, I’ve commissioned some new statues to Leto Shipsprayed.



Leto Shipsprayed is the Human goddess of coasts. The most notable worshipper so far is Isun Haregrains and he is the only worshipper, but I feel we could set one up on the edge of the waterfall.



That’s this location  for the temple. I’ve set up some wall designations, one of which will be an entry point conduit to the central peninsula. A keep will be constructed around the northern area, complete with a surface inn and shit. There’s a cherry tree on the edge of the waterfall, and I will put the temple down there with a suitable colonnade.



The other human deity who is worshipped, only by Cosla Tangledeagle, is Posa the Rapid Dawn. Posa is the god of the sun in The Realm of Jungles, and in the last century appears to have become a major state-sanctioned cult there. In the year 104, the dwarf Meng Mansionclears authored a work named “Greases” in order to glorify Posa, and since then the deity seems to have attracted a deeply intellectual following with over 112 different works being published since.

*A large stain of beer has soaked into the page here. An even deeper mark to suggest a wet tankard was perched on here for some time. A loose sheet with a fucking long timeline has been attached to the journal.*

   The literary tradition came out of this forest retreat named Hornbeans in the year 104, with the effort of the dwarf Meng Mansionclears. Meng published “Greases” in praise of Posa. Meng is a dwarven name so obviously he wasn’t “humanised” and must have carried with him the written tradition of our people. Now Hornbeans currently has only a population of ten, so obviously the place was taken over by intellectuals at some time.
   After a pause of twenty years, the elf Viena Sparkleriders published two further works; the following decade the humans were finally introduced to this tradition and it sprung up in the human town of Surprisespattered, which is currently home to about 400 people. There may have been some kind of purge or persecution and no further works appeared for 20 years. We all know The Realm of Jungles don’t value freedom.
   In the year 163, the writings spread to the Dwarven Fortress of Helmeddeer and four works were published in the following decade. In 175, the tradition spread to the Hillocks of Tacticoiled, just south of where “Verb” was born. The most active periods appear to have been between the years 220 and 240 with 40 works being published in that time, out of a total of 112 known to exist. We don’t really have much more information. It seems the cult is a major driving force in The Realm of Jungles.

I’ve designated a potential cornerstone to the temple, but have to see how this proceeds.

9th Opal



The south gate’s initial form is finished, so we can install a drawbridge or portcullis and secure that part of the peninsula off. In the meantime, our newest resident is Degël Galleyoil the bard, who is also a competent macedwarf and was the dwarf who waltzed in during the full Moon paying no attention to reasonable were-beast related health and safety concerns. One day, he may become a citizen and use his non-performance skills for the better. He’s a great musician. With our strict population cap reached, I doubt we’re going to take more residents anytime soon.

13th Opal



Damnation, looks like our copy of “A Treatise on Elves” or something was nicked by one of the visitors. In order to stop this shit happening The Barricaded Vault is only going to be used by citizens and long term residents, at least until we can restock the books and have a reasonably large number of stocks. I’m going to demand at least three copies of each book just in case. Scrolls are currently being prepared by Rigòth Landwind, our Messenger, and our scribe Vutok Decentring has been told to cease assisting the aboveground constructions.

At least mugs are being used on the self-serve scheme now.



Oh you.

15th Opal




WTF, man. Up to 62 citizens and residents now. Also some peddlers showed up in The Monastery of Mushroom. They seem to be spiritually distressed.



The Sanctuary of Soaking has just been founded here, by the waterfall. How appropriate. Those who seek spiritual communion with Leto Shipsprayed will now have refuge here in Claspedbowels.



I checked on Rigòth Wheeltower (the broker) and Imic’s work again. Rigòth made four statues of believers in Posa, while Imic depicted the foundation of Minehush in the year 87.

[CaptainArchmage]

I'm back! This update will be in two portions. Firstly, the Mystery of The Grimdark Eye... then we see the chaos of the end of the year. Upload of the second portion will be later tonight.

25th Opal



So, after trying out some snazzy beer the name of which I can't remember, the first thing I did today was order two shell figurines… but I then took a nap and forgot what I’d asked them to be made out of. I mean, what they were meant to show. Oh well guess we’ll find out when they come out, eh? I asked for five items to be decorated with shell (I will determine what to put on the images later), and three further “artists choice” shell figurines. Should keep our bone carver (that’s Logem Zontel) busy.



I check up shit we've asked to be worked on and shit that hasn't been designated, and of course I hear that our miners have been XXunemployedXX for quite some time and are screaming for some action. The plumbing is totally done on one level, but only that level as pictured here (along with fortified expansion plans to the east). The connection is currently in use as a shortcut, but that will change after it goes into use. I promptly begin to designate the rest of the pressure pipe, upwards and downwards. The trouble with these plumbing things is, there has to be a good supply of water that can be shut off quickly, and there needs to be a drainage chute to dump the water somewhere at the pull of a lever. Normally the drainage is a cavern, but that involves opening up the tower to dangerous access from someplace or other. Every leg of plumbing has to be open to drainage too, and in some historic plans the plumbing is carved out before the fortress.

Spoiler: Perspective of the Surface (click to show/hide)

This is the topside side of the fortress, emphasis drawn to the east. I decided, fuck it. I can save trees for ensuring we have some fruit inside of the fortress area (which equals booze during a siege) but I’m not going out of my way to do it. Several trees are getting the chop; those that survive will provide a natural setting for some visitors and shade for beehives. Those left along the side of the river will be cut down when we can ensure they will fall in the right direction. Construction of major buildings will continue, what you see there is the eastern wall line, a temple, and a tower base or surface dining room.

28th Opal

A bunch of shit got made, so I decided to go over it before cutting some more trees. Not going to show it here, the only masterwork improvement I got yet from this run was on a masterwork rock salt door, which was menaced with muscle shell spikes. It will probably go on a door of the temple to Leto Shipsprayed because it’s totally appropriate.



This will be the door to èrith Mistycloister’s room, when someone installs it. As a founder and legendary miner in Claspedbowels she deserves this.



This will be the door to Zas Fencepulled’s room. She is expected to become legendary and fulfil one of her dreams soon.



I got the two figurines I specially ordered, seems the subject was “The Tusk of Slings” or something elven. The first I saw concerned the formation of The Spattered Dunes...



The second concerns the foundation of Packedblood by The Fleshy Glacier...



And lastly, considering that the full moon is coming up in two days, this has me worried. Scratch that, the alert’s going up everyone. I’ll get to the elf-related details as I cover history during the full Moon. I’m now off to sleep.

1st Obsidian



Currently in bed here, in my chambers opening onto The Barricaded Vault. Well, I took notice of what was going on in the library, and it seems like we have a book written in Claspedbowels! It is called “Time Spent with the Eye”, and concerns with the anatomy of the eye. I wonder how Kib Constructscaled did their research on that… probably while we were processing a mule and some puppies into meat and bone. Fuck man, I didn’t need to be reminded of that now! The Grimdarkness has returned. It is officially 0 days since the last Grimdark incident at Claspedbowels.



Hell, who the fuck is Kib Constructscaled?! It was Kib Mansionstroked who was reading the scroll, which caught my eye in the first place. We don’t take visiting scholars into this place either…



The only other “Kib” in Claspedbowels is Kib Copperships, who is in a meditative trance while locked in The Monastery of Mushroom! Shit I’d better do some investigating. SOME INVESTIGATING I TELL YE! At least the fort is totally locked down.



These are the only scholars we have. Rakust “Sanctume” Martyred is my number two and he’s definitely OK. So is Rigòth Wheeltower; we came here altogether. That narrows down the case to one of the other three scholars: Zutthan Distinctbolts the Scholar, Sibrek Clanhatchet the Astronomer, and Asmel Goldenwhispered the Siege Engineer. Wait, what?



Sibrek Clanhatchet the Astronomer?! You mean the 14 year old scholar who migrated here, who has the surface house?! Funnily enough I’ve never seen her up there… every time someone’s come to barricade the place up for the full moon, she’s not been in. It’s literally just her bedroom and I understand crap’s not been finished yet…



Uh. Well, she was discussing how to note down large sums before... I leave my room and start unloading some questions to Rigòth W who is pondering "shadow clocks" in a corner... It’s good that everyone except Asmel Goldenwhispered is doing shit in the library now, because we can fucking get to the bottom of this. Fine. Doors locked. We have an investigation to do!



I ask Rigòth to do a quick artistic check on who the fuck Kib Constructscaled is, because I found their signature on the new scroll we have in here. I’m thinking of ordering a statue of them anyways. Rigòth tells me Kib Constructscaled is a dwarf born in 138, which puts them at about 112-113 going 113-14 next year. Kib is a “he”… OK? Well maybe, aside from gender-related alterations. It kind of rules out Sibrek, and we actually have her birth certificate.



Conspiracy theories aside, that will do.



I then check the visitors list again… oh. Kib Constructscales is a VISITING astronomer. I thought permanent residents and citizens only in here… anyways if Kib the Visitor pinches our copy of “Meditations on Hornbeams” we have another in store. CRISIS averted. PHEW!



I then have an awkward conversation with people about how nobody can keep their mouths shut about the stuff we have around here and we like have a shit state of the military. Ugh, time to go back to bed. I order a statue in Kib Constructscale’s honour, but Rigòth tells me we need some stone delivered. I set up the job, suspended. Man, I need to sleep. If Kib asks residency, I shall grant it.

[CaptainArchmage]

Aaaand the end of Obsidian rolls around.

*Imposing narrator voice*: And so at the beginning of the month of Obsidian, CaptainArchmage thought he had stumbled across an intricate mystery featuring deception, shadow clocks, and maybe even supernatural forces. But it was not so, save for the Grim darkness of "The Mystery of The Eye", regarding the dissection of the eyes of the animals that had met their ends within or surrounding the fortress. CaptainArchmage went to sleep and awoke to a new month in the midst of a full moon.

And now, the conclusion. We learn of The Ageless Continents and its inhabitants... as well as its ruins. The bowels of... Claspedbowels... begin to expand in mysterious, or perhaps totally expected ways. And a great chaos descends upon the fortress, setting the stage for the reorganisation of many of its locations. As the year comes to a close, a new job opportunity opens up.

3rd Obsidian

Spoiler: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK (click to show/hide)

I wake up to Rigòth Landwind requiring psychotherapy over how fucked up he feels his life has been. Dude, WTF. You were caught in the rain and there was an issue with mugs. Otherwise, you’re somewhat focused. You’re OK.



Of course, a shitpile of visitors show up and we have to maintain an open door to let them in. Fuck, man. Again, the presence of Wanedcrews has been revealed. What the fuck is it with people not being able to recognise they’re drinking out of a legendary mug?!



I see this axedwarf leaving. He’s an axedwarf, but carries a toy hammer. A toy. Fucking. Hammer. That said, it’s also a fucking artefact toy hammer. I wonder if it’s actually good in combat. If he runs into a were-creature on the way out, we'll find out, but I hope it doesn't come to that.



The toy hammer is made out of a gem, so it's literally a green hammer with an image of Lolor Workscar being elected mayor on it. I'm guessing there's some kind of heroic tale which features a greenish crystalline substance and green tourmaline looks a lot like it.



After the guests move in and out, I lock the doors tight. Time for story time.



Firstly, I check through the new muscle shell figurines we have thanks to Logem Helmedmost. The first is a finely-designed image of two lion tamarins, a useful trade good. That, my fellow citizens, is what we do in Claspedbowels… when we’re not selling overpriced hazelnut dishes that cause gastro-intestinal distress. Oh well, the next two works are… more interesting.



This exceptional work depicts the ettin Agal Fametaught killing Nguslu Menacedfancies in The Combined Forests about 13 years ago. As everyone should be aware, this is where Claspedbowels is located. Who knows, we may face off this being in combat in the not-too-distant future. We may even be able to capture them.



We also have this masterful figurine depicting the foundation of Claspedbowels in the early spring of 250. While not artefacts, I will ensure these last two works will be placed suitably for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

Now onto the main story: Just who the hell are the Tusk of Slings?

Spoiler: World map for perspective (click to show/hide)

To the South of the Sensitive Continents, across the Colourless Waters, lies The Ageless Continents. X marks the spot. It is the second largest landmass in the known world, and is currently home to two elven civilizations. One of them is the Tusk of Slings, likely ruled from Carnagelarks in The Forest of Incense. Carnagelarks is tied the leader for the biggest elven forest retr3eat with Tangleroars in the north.



Tangleroars is ruled by The Brass Howl. It is in the north of The Ageless Continents and of the forest of incense.



There are a few other elven outlier settlements on the southern coast and to the north. In The Null Jungles, we have the forest retreat of Woodenwork. How fucking imaginative, it is a secondary capital to The Brass Howl, and yet, it is also home to a lot of artefacts… probably the largest collection on The Ageless Continents. This secondary capital is home to about 600 folks, so it’s a lot smaller than Tangleroars.

In the Forests of Proliferating, there are at least three forest retreats: Weaverincenses, Clutchtressed, and Budfolds, all held by the Tusk of Slings. The northern colonies of The Tusk of Slings are Crabpetal, Joinedgale, and Mirthfulkissed, all in The Bronze Jungle.




Also on this continent are the ruins of at least one, perhaps two human civilizations. We still need to do our research on that one, but there is a ruined city and there are two ruined tombs in the remote parts of the continent. They were destroyed by either the Tusk of Slings, or The Brass Howl some time ago, but the ruins may yield useful artefacts or salvage.

Conveniently placed in the middle of the continent are two mountain ranges. One is The Points of Wire. I have no geological data on that, but it lies in the middle of The Forests of Incense. The second is The Esteemed Bulbous Beak, bordering on The Mechanical Desert and The sprawling Hill of Cherishing. One day, that continent may be accessed by dwarfkind and those hills shall be claimed in our name.



How, my fellow dwarves, can this continent be accessed? One method, my fellow dwarves, is to swim-



Yeah right. Everyone’s laughing, right? Because who the fuck can swim in here. Who the fuck WANTS to swim?



And there’s, well, rafts. But nobody wants those either, do they? You know, it would be GREAT if someone invented like a kind of floating building that you could live on and wouldn't sink, and which you can take where you want to go. Like a boat. Or... a ship. I think that's the term. Zuglar. Zuglar. But we're going to aim higher.

But there is a chance that the gap can be tunnelled under. All it will take is a skilled team of miners, and The Letter of Bands can dig a tunnel under the ocean. Then, The Ageless Continents may be open to our colonization efforts! But that, is a story for another time and another embark.

Let’s get back to work!



*Booming narrator voice*: And that's precisely when the shit hit the fan

5th Obsidian




Shit. A puppy started yapping at this… shady macedwarf, who proclaims the desire to capture Wanedcrews! Dwarf the gates! Shut the doors! Lock the... locks!

7th Obsidian



Looks like Stukos Anglorbam (“Redstandard”) turned tail when he saw us barring the gates. Hopefully he fucks off, and if he doesn’t The Cheerful Theatres will open up with some crossbow fire.



AT LEAST THE WEATHER CLEARED not that anyone is outside to enjoy it. In the meantime, progress is, or was, being made on the entry to the fortress proper. Of course, it fucking stopped because the additional area was out of bounds during the alert cycle. Of fucking course.

8th Obsidian



During the shutdown I decided to re-assess where everything is in this fortress, and whether arrangements and plans are a “good idea”. That’s when I notice we have insufficient “dance floors” in just about every fucking location. The minimum size is 5x5.



That is save for The Laconic Abbey, which is conveniently dedicated to Tecàk, god of dance. Turns out having statues means people can’t dance around them, so we have to put all the furniture to the walls or expand the temples. Laaaaaame. Fine. I start re-arranging the furniture so we can have religiously-themed raves. Sadly, the Sanctuary of Soaking and The Temple of Law will need structural changes to achieve these goals.



In the vein of looking over our religious arrangements, I decide The Monastery of Mushroom is a bit… small. I’m OK with the aboveground section but a real monastery should be fucking underground too right? So I do the responsible thing and designate this extra big-ass crypt.



I also designate some underground rooms, so dwarves dwarven monks and visitors pilgrims can rest. There is a tentative kitchen area and brewery so we can put up with a large number of pilgrims. Since I’m having a hard time judging what should go where, I am leaving tentative locations tentative.



Finally, since Omât the Lacy Letter is associated with jewels, I finish up the initial plans with a fortifiable jewellery works for working jewels. Kûbuk Mazegate turns 42 next year, and I am hopeful he will get a nice birthday present in this!

I decide we can move FakerFangirl’s office down to the barracks, so she’ll have a bigger room to work in (albeit with some stores in there currently). I am open to a request for better furniture. Once we get more rooms, we can move Zas Mountainvalley to proper accommodation and FakerFangirl will have an even better bedroom. Good job performance should be rewarded!






I’ve not drawn it yet, but Stukos naturally makes his final stand, by which I mean, retreat. A legendary macedwarf, now defeated by the sudden bolting of the fortress (heh). Here, he pauses by a rock salt boulder laden by decaying leaves from the nearby ginkgo tree.



I’m going to deal with the situation by assigning a sheriff who will carry out a “background check”. I personally think he may have been in the military of some fortress or other and wears armour with our nation’s insignia on it. Naturally his description will be passed around the fortress, and mayhems around The Letter of Bands, and we’ll make sure he is tracked down. Perhaps, he may be brought to justice.

Nonetheless, in the aftermath of this small victory a shadow hangs out over Claspedbowels. The shadow of fame, which attracts not just travellers, artists, performers, scholars, mercenaries, and entrepreneurs, but also scheming villains, to what was once a forgotten backwater filled with a dead elven civilization; a no dwarf’s land between the settled, civilised regions of the south, and the goblin-run dominions in the northern reaches of the world.

9th Obsidian



More of this bullshit. NOPE! and why the fugue does everyone keep coming into my bedroom and watch me wake up. It's like privacy and peace are priority minus one around here.




I take my morning beer and take a look at this book on waxing and waning. Maybe I can now memorise the lunar cycle so I don’t have to keep reminding myself when the full moon is. It's at the end of the month.

Since Stukos has disappeared, I have unbolted the doors to the fortress.

12th Obsidian



The more that goes on here, the slower progress seems to go. The re-arrangement of the pedestals in The Monastery of Mushroom has caused the figurines to go… missing or hard to reassign them to it. However, today Rigòth Wheeltower finished this masterpiece granite statue to Kib Constructscaled. It will go down in the barricaded vault.

15th Obsidian



If we’re going to host a sheriff, we’ll need to make some preparations. I order a full set of granite furniture from our master mason.



I also order a shitload of ropes so we can make sure people are tied up according to regulations. A few extras will provide ropes for our wells. Of course, a proper sheriff should be some asshole who isn’t necessarily too strong. Maybe I’m being too stereotypical, but the real purpose of the sheriff is to track down the motherfuckers who will actually cause shit, like Stukos. And maybe they shouldn’t be too popular because the job is known for all kinds of brutality and unnecessary shit to the extent where one starts to doubt the need for the office…



I promptly cut down a bunch of trees while thinking about this shit.

18th Obsidian



I get another petition, which I of course approve. New cutoff will be 75 residents.

21st Obsidian



Hell yeah!



And another! Soon we will be the most secure Merced out fort in The Combined Forests.

23rd Obsidian

As it’s approaching the new year, I promptly have the mason’s shop in The League of Legends dismantled completely. It’s just taking up space there, and we have a new one down in STORAGE AREA 51. Fare thee well, mason’s shop and Stone Stockpile #7!

24th Obsidian



Fugg no!

26th Obsidian



With the full moon and new year’s festival coming up, I am calling up the alert for the new year. Everyone’s going to get inside now. Everyone.



Including you.

28th Obsidian



All doors locked. There were a few stragglers, but that’s it. It’s party time!



And that’s a real happy new year to you! You get the job.

Spoiler: Full profile of Smoma Crushkindles (click to show/hide)

Old, but not wrinkled. Curious, but who am I to judge.



I order three new figurines to be made out of shell, depicting the three abandoned or ruined elven forest retreats to the north, Ordermauve, Glistenwinters, and Riverwealth, and what transpired within them. It will help us learn the history of The Combined Forests and what happened here.

1st Granite, 252



And with that, spring has arrived!

End of Year Report: 251-252



And so a second glorious year ends at Claspedbowels. The fortress is actually starting to get on its feet now, despite the RISING GRIMDARKNESS in some aspects of life

Over the last quarter, we have seen population rise from 52 to 67 inhabitants, all of who were visitors given permission to reside here permanently. Quarterly GDP was 202,152 Suns, which means our wealth has more than doubled since the end of Autumn!
Over the past year, our GDP was 326,126 Suns, and our population rose from 32 to 67.

State of the Fortress, 1st Granite 252

The past year has seen some extraordinary growth, and we had a large number of artefacts produced. I'm still trying to get all the information in one place for that. We've also produced an incredible number of temples and began work on our outside fortifications. We even have some plumbing laid down.

Unfortunately, the year came to an end with a somber reminder that our security isn't as great as it could be. The artefact Wanedcrews is now a favourite target for bandits and vagabonds, and it's only a matter of time before a disaster happens. We need to secure the surface, since only one entrance can be gated as of yet. We're going to have to cut some trees down to make room for the fortifications on all sides.

The expansion of the fortress outside of the tower base now begins. We'll need to bring the fortress operational in the coming year, so everyone's got to be doing something useful. I'm going to aim for a small-scale forge facility deep in the ground by the end of autumn, while expanding the plumbing.

*Booming Narrator's Voice*: And so the second year of Claspedbowels came to an end. OK, it really comes to the end on the 15th but who the fuck cares. Anyways.

In The League of Legends, the focal point for all drinking and dining activity in Claspedbowels, a sign appears. It is a simple piece of pig tail fibre paper, and on it is written in black, ashen ink:

ClaspedBowels: Sheriff Wanted. Pay Grimdark, no prior experience required.

Right. Any takers?

[CaptainArchmage]

Here's the first month of the year, Granite. A lot has happened. A lot absolutely hasn't happened. We have a sheriff (first come first served to be dwarf'd as them), and we also learn some uncomfortable truths about goings on in the fortress and family bloodlines.

Unfortunately, I didn't screen cap everything. There was a lot going on here, really there was.

LATER THAT DAY, by CaptainArchmage

Now the report’s all written out, I checked the state of work around the fortress and discovered that we’re out of barrels.

> CaptainArchmage: Be enraged at the lack of barrels

It’s a total fucking disgrace, I tell you! Of course, we did cut through our barrel supply by brewing a shitload of drinks. I also ordered three more cloth ropes, ordered some more “leather goods” for the military (backpacks and so on to you).

> CaptainArchmage: Designate Dungeons

I also designated the two jails, so we have seven cells available. But what about the eighth, you ask? So we ran into this thing called “pitchblende” in there, so we’re not using it. Apparently there’s some funky shit with that stone and that means it’s good for some hot shit. Not sure what.

No decision on a sheriff yet but I want to have one by the end of the month. In the meantime, since we’re closed during the full Moon, I decide to check out what the fuck’s up with our new fortress residents. Or what the fuck’s down with, for that matter. I’ve rubber-stamped a lot of applications for one reason or other and… I kind of don’t know any of these folks.

[TRIGGER WARNING: Like just about every single fucking dwarf fortress story.]

> Be Smoma Crushkindles



You are now Smoma Crushkindles. You are a human lasher from The Realm of Jungles. You were born to Dujan Patternedspears and Ori Raineddresses in the semi-coastal hamlet of Helmsfarmed, which lies in The Jade Hill on the southern coast of The Sensitive Continents. Helmsfarmed was and is still run by The Routed League. You were the youngest child in your family, out of a total of twelve, so your early life

SUCKED ASS

Spoiler: Literally, even (click to show/hide)

(Literally and metaphorically even the ass of this guy, no less, right after this incident)

At least you’ve had experience running a screw press and a millstone, milling flour. You also helped out with brewing beer, wineing wine, and distilling hard spirits for the local farmers. Your best skill was in tracking down escaped livestock, and you were pretty damn good at it. However, as you got older, you found you had other talents that could probably take you further. One day, you decided to run away for good. We’re not going to know much about the timing of these events until the commissions come out, though… or we get a conversation between you and an adventurer.



Your travels took you east through the elven forest retreats of The Glorious Jungle. You picked some fighting skills up along the way. You didn’t think too much of settling in the Empire of Diamonds, the capital of which - Craftscovered - lies on the eastern coast. Eventually you settled in Flamebuttered, a tiny hamlet of about 20 people that sits on the border of The Unnameable Dune, where at some point in time you became a mercenary. You generally prefer to use a bronze whip. You haven’t actually killed anyone or anything notable so far - for the most part your work involved tracking down escaped livestock and missing persons thanks to your endurance, but you’ve had some close calls. You’re really, not very tough and you learned this the hard way once. You may or may not have gone travelling to see the natural places of the world once, but you don’t actually have any specific dreams or goals at this point in your life.

Somewhere along the way, you married Resmi Sealrider and had four daughters and a son. There’s probably a story behind that, but we won’t elaborate on that just yet.

Your birthday was 4th Moonstone the year 160, which makes you 91 years old, and you will thus turn 92 in nine months, but for official purposes you’re 92. You are a casual worshipper of Histek Putiloslal Ini Juwog, or “Histek Containstarved the Straps of Muck”, the goddess of disease and laws. There’s probably a big story behind that but we’re not going there yet. You are also a worshipper of Thad Almef Thad, Thad the Autumn of Aging, the God of longevity and you associate this with your long life and semi-youthful image. Aside from your (likely chestnut? You can’t remember) hair having gone white, your appearance has not changed much from your youth.

You recently decided to make the journey to Claspedbowels in part with your cousin Nithim Ocgirosmic, who is 99 years old and is a poet. The roughest part was getting through or around The Unnamable Dune and there is probably a story to go with that which we’re not going to get to yet.

Your equipment is standard for The Realm of Jungles’ northern lands. Temperatures vary wildly and requires more than light clothing, and the dust coming over from The Unnamable Dune meant a lot more people wear head veils to keep it off, and clothing tends to be made out of leather and wool.

While Nithim is up in The League of Legends, you decided to seek residency - which you were given immediately. The fortress’ leader seems to have chambers attached to the library, and that makes the level a location for a lot of fort operations. This is called Staging Area 6 in the designs you have seen. Staging Area 7 is just below. For some reason, you haven’t found Staging Areas 1-5, or Storage Area as 1-50 either.



Down in the library, which is called "The Barricaded Vault", you found a copy of "A Meditation on Hornbeans".



You're really emotionally compromised by the scroll you're reading.

Oh, that’s right. The “expedition leader” of the fortress is making offensive hand signs and blabbering about “mercenary issues” integrating with the fort.

> Be CaptainArchmage



YOU ARE NOW DATAN “CAPTAINARCHMAGE” LANTERNDWELLED. You are the stressed-out expedition leader of Claspedbowels, as in the guy who has to sort out shit around here, and also so far the fort’s only woodcutter. Your woodcutting efforts keep getting interrupted by your expedition leading duties… for example, by this guy. Huh, maybe someone else should be cutting wood eh?

You have just come out of the New Year’s !!PARTY!!. Every day, you learn something new - for better or for worse. You’ve been summoned to your chambers because there’s another citizenship request from some visitor or other. Yeah, this bureaucratic work is becoming full time enough to make a mess everything else.

Of course, you’ve signed quite a few more other residency permits quite recently, and one of the recent people you’ve granted them - Smoma Crusdhkindles - to is in The Barricaded Vault, reading a copy of A Meditation on Hornbeans. It's probably one of those being copied for mass readership. Apparently, it is emotionally aggravating for her.

>Captain Archmage: Speak to Smoma Crushkindles.
>Captain Archmage: Do a major tl;dr

Well, you learned the background behind Smoma Crushkindles. Hell, last of twelve kids? That’s rough. You can’t imagine having that many siblings, really. But today, you also figured out why you had issues with the mercs in your fort. Apparently, they own their armour, and weapons, but this causes problems with assigning them a weapon… sadly, this means you’re going to have to wait for the human caravan to have a shot at getting a whip and a pike for Smoma Crushkindles and Penoc Tomedells respectively. Or you’ve got to confiscate their weapons somehow… ugh.

> CaptainArchmage: Approve petition

You rubber-stamp the petition from Erush Earthennamed the Bard. He is a great musician, though his skills outside that could use some work. You guess he’s a better composer of melodies, less so with the instruments, by a few orders of magnitude.





You know that he’s turned 91, and will turn 92 at the end of this year. He is the nephew of Medtob Soakedsling, the Marksdwarf you gave residency some time ago to. He was born in the hillocks of Claspslick, nearly a day’s travel to the southeast, and then moved to Surprisespattered, the western capital of The Realm of Jungles.

You’re now up to 68 citizens, and desperately need more housing. You’ve expanded the fortress to the west, with a section under The Monastery of Mushroom. Of course, that needs to be furnished, and it only has room for like three dwarves. A better strategy would be to build some aboveground housing for the humans and expand the eastern section of the fortress…

A note in “Imic”’s personal journal 2nd Granite 252:

The full moon is over, and in my view we can finally get to work. All doors unbolted, all restrictions are lifted. Farming work is back in full swing, with a new “shitload” of sweet pods planned, in the words of the “expedition leader”.



“CaptainArchmage” dropped this designation. As I kept telling him, we don’t need TWO barracks of soldiers to defend a dead end, and this one is becoming a stoner-works where we can have a “safe space” from trouble to work our stone in peace, and not get in anyone’s way. Of course, I will personally order ten maple wheelbarrows to run these stockpiles, since our existing three wheelbarrows are in Storage Area 51.

Letter found by a masterpiece statue delivered to “Imic”’s quarters on 4th Granite 252:

Hey Imic,

Just made this rad statue for you. I’m sure you’ll like it. DO YOU SMELL THE GLOVE BRO?

Yours truly,
Rigòth Wheeltower

(The letter is splattered with beer and what might be vomit)

CaptainArchmage’s Journal, 12th Granite 252

We’re now well into the new year, and approaching the 2nd anniversary of the fortress’ real founding. After all the talk with Smoma, I decided to commission a set of granite figurines of her family, starting with her. She’s going to be around here a while now.

The order of figurines (along with the information I can get is):
1. Smoma Crushkindles herself. Born 160.
Her first three daughters:
2. Atlel Cobiaro “Pokeblue”. Born 173.
3. Genam Xetanesme “Beltedpalms”, Born 175.
4. Pis Zicabtaram “Reveredsold”, Born 176.
Her only son:
5. Gipest Banecleru “Bowlpeaks”, Born 174.
Her youngest daughter:
6. Eri Ulethina “Openbride”, Born 226.
Her husband:
7. Resmi Epogite “Sealrider”, born 160.
Her birthplace:
8. Helmsfarmed
Her last residence:
9. Flamebuttered
Her father:
10. Ori Sporroupu “Raineddress”, born 112.

tl;dr:


I should have learned the lesson last time, but I decided not to. Turns out Smoma Crushkindles got married quite early on, maybe due to pregnancy… oh well, if she gets a house or room these can go in it.

I also found some sheep and lambs were kind of wasting away in the fortress, so I ordered them pastured. We are also expanding the wall outside.



FakerFangirl’s new bedroom is set up, and I moved Zas down to the granite layer. When she wakes up, she can move her stuff down. I’m not moving her no-quality oaken bed down though. I moved her existing furniture down there though, and she’s getting the special chest.

15th Granite

> Be CaptainArchmage



Just going to leave this here.

> Be the Reader

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 15th Granite 252: Anniversary Day

Naturally, it’s our second anniversary day, and I’ve decided to make some… changes to the fortress, as usual.

But first, let’s see what we got about Smoma and her family:

First, it seems that Smoma Crushedkindles and Resmi Sealrider married when they were both 12. I was hoping to get some non-marriage related figurine but here we are.

Second, Atlel Pokeblue rose to the position of master of The Pale Flickers in 250, aged 77.

Third, Genam Beltedpalms arose to the position of chieftess of The Reticence of Chestnuts in 189, when she was just 14.

Fourth, Pis Reveredsold became ringleader of The Lessons of Summer in 190, aged 14.

Fifth, Gipest Bowlpeeks, Smoma’s son, married Ilda Brushedcolors in 187, aged about 15. That’s an improvement, I admit.

Sixth, Eri Openbride married Guki Soothtlls in 239, aged 13.

The seventh figurine was also a marriage one between Smoma and Resmi, so not much difference from the first.

The eighth, Helmsfarmed was founded by The Routed League of The Realm of Jungles in the year 72.

I don’t have any idea when Smoma moved to Flamebutter yet, but we’ll find out soon...

> CaptainArchmage: Ponder future

You ponder whether you’re really the best person to cut trees down. You’re good at it, and you have trained as an axedwarf. However, your axe is copper and there are far better places and axes to use. You realise this is a fool’s errand, and it’s not as important as other shit that’s got to be done around here, like taking petitions, planting crops, and cheering people up. You decide to take a good look at yourself in a polished copper surface, and -

> CaptainArchmage: Realise there is no polished copper surface.

You realise there are no copper surfaces and you need to up the ante on the forges. Fuck it, let’s see whose doing what and who is not being utilised to the best of their talents.

> CaptainArchmage: Update journal.

Aside from the festivities, I’ve designated some more trees for cutting and am resigning my position as chief woodcutter of Claspedbowels. I’ve done a quick search and have been wondering whether Tun Doublerack is the best dwarf to pick them back up - he did some woodcrafting for us, but is also a fisherdwarf. Kind of a lonely fellow too it seems…



I then see he is actually a great poet and so I assign him to be poet for The Monastery of Mushroom. He will also get a house in there there when possible, which is ASAP.

> CaptainArchmage: Horrible realisation

You realise that The Monastery of Mushroom was dedicated to Omât the Lacy Letter. You had a moment of confusion about it being dedicated to Atir… damn, the foul works of The Vault of Riddles.

> CaptainArchmage: Even more horrible realisation



The Vault of Riddles… wait. You know what’s in Led Clutchedcrypts’ office.

> CaptainArchmage: Narrowly avoid mental breakdown

You realise that statue has been there for… how fucking long? You’ve no idea why the hell you put that thing in Led’s office. Led worships The Letter of Bands, goddess of festivals, music, and revelry. Damn, you probably made a mistake putting it in there… you know you did.

> CaptainArchmage: Admit your mistake.

And, well fuck. For some reason when I was writing previously, I thought the Monastery of Mushroom was dedicated to Atir the Tan Saffron, rather than Omât the Lacy Letter. Omât is not goddess of jewels, so we DON’T need a jewellery workshop there, just a crafting site. The jewellery works can go elsewhere in the temple to Atir, and that will be a good thing because I can move on and add in the forges deep beneath the Monastery of Mushroom. Sorry guys. I’ll make it up to all of ye, deities or no, later. No probs.

But I’m wondering just how the fuck I put that statue to The Vault of Riddles into Led’s room. Hope I didn’t jinx her or anything, the grimdarkness is as bad as it is… we only have four worshippers but Rigòth Wheeltowers literally pulled that one out of his imagination… come to think of it he is a-

> CaptainArchmage: Ohshi-



Oh, crap.

> CaptainArchmage: Do some more fortress optimisations to take your mind off things.

You immediately turn your attention to other matters. No point in bothering yourself more when there’s more shit to do as fortress leader. You decide to see who else isn’t fulfilling their true potential.



I thought the name Shorast Fikodegul was familiar, and she’s currently visiting. She’s the baroness consort of Claspsocket and the paternal grandmother of Litast Towerpassions! He’s probably one of the heirs, and only has one cousin literally - Kadol Lumulegeb. After some internal debate, I decide tome Litast Towerpassions the sheriff and woodcutter of the fortress. Animal caretaking doesn’t seem to get much rap these days, he can learn to train animals if he wants to stay around them though. He seems to respect traditions and so he’s not going to be some absolutely corrupt shitwad, and he’s well connected to do the detective work we need. Plus, his room is a repurposed hospital bed, so I’ve freed that one up and moved him into the sheriff’s flat.



Lastly, Kib Copperships is a diagnoser who hasn’t been doing much lately. I’ve assigned her to armouring, asked her to be ready to do any other kind of medical work.

16th Obsidian

> CaptainArchmage: Check on figurine progress



You check on the two figurines that were still outstanding from yesterday, and find that they have been completed. The first is this lovely granite figurine of Kasat Listencamp becoming a peddler in Flamebuttered. You guess the fishing industry either dried up there, or becoming a peddler up there was just a better job.



The last figurine features the marriage of Dujan Patternedspears to Ori Raineddresses in 124. You really don’t want to know what age they were when that happened.

> CaptainArchmage: Commission new statues and furniture.



You commission two new granite statues of Litast Towerpassions, so you can put them in his quarters. You then, noting there is a god of volcanoes named Litast the Irons of Aquamarine from The Tome of Shoves (the other dwarven civilization in this world), commission a rock salt statue of that guy too. You finish off by ordering some new cabinets because dwarves are running out of wardrobes around here fast.

17th Granite

> CaptainArchmage: Drop off your axe

You look at your copper axe one last time, and drop it into the *Weapon Bin (ashen) #24* in STORAGE AREA 51. It wasn’t that good an axe anyways, but you’ve carried it with you these past two years and you feel really sad about it going away. Oh well, may Litast use it well.

> CaptainArchmage: Sleep



You promptly fall asleep, while Rigòth Landwind the Messenger hangs over your bed. Apparently he needs another psychotherapy session.

22nd Granite

> CaptainArchmage: Awaken

You immediately get yelled at by Rigòth Landwind again and go through the whole damn psychotherapy process again.

You then order the aboveground mason’s shop, so all the blocks can be made… above ground.

Oh, an Axewoman named Ulco Spiraledgazes wants to talk to you about something…

> CaptainArchmage: Write in journal



FUCK NO.

25th Granite

Ulco Spiraledgazes returns with the same request, and I make sure some militia dwarves are nearby in order to prevent trouble. I think this one might mean issues. Anyways, we’re at the full moon so the fortress is in lockdown. She’s leaving, I hope… no worries now she’s out of here, and I’ve locked the doors. Alerts are up.

> CaptainArchmage: Notice shortage of beds

You notice there’s just one bed left, and that’s supposed to go in the jail. You order three persimmon beds for The Monastery of Mushroom. They will be heavy.

> CaptainArchmage: Designate completion of mining works.

You decide to order a big shaft to be cut down into the magma. Well, it’s just a little shaft. But it goes down a hell of a long way under The Monastery of Mushroom.

26th Granite

>CaptainArchmage: Present the Full Moon’s latest story.

“Gentledwarves and Gentlehumans of… however you identify yourselves, I am PROUD TO PRESENT the three new mussel shell figurines regarding three human nomadic groups!



Firstly, the Pale Flickers. Hardly anything is known about this group! Although Atlel Pokeblue, eldest daughter of Smoma  Crushedkindles rose to the position of master of The Pale Flickers in 250, aged 77, Athra Worthycrest held that title back in 185! This is some longstanding organisation!



Secondly, The Reticence of Chestnuts was another nomadic human group! This masterful mussel shell figurine depicts the rise of Genome Beltedpalms to the position of its chieftain in the year 189!



And finally! Last but not least! Who are The Lessons of Summer? In the year 190, Pis Reveredsold rose to the position of its ringleader!

28th Granite



> CaptainArchmage: Celebrate end of full moon!

[CaptainArchmage]

Unbelievably, this report consists of ONLY the first part of Slate. OK, fine, 82% 86% of Slate. Still, that's crap progress. In my defence, a lot happened.

I've also put up the first piece of fan art (courtesy: Verb) on the OP. Anything more that comes in will likely be collected there.

1st Slate

> Be Erith Mistycloisters



You are now èrith Mistycloisters. You are one of the two miners as well as a founder of Claspedbowels. You are 88 years old and your 89th birthday is coming up soon on 10th Hematite. Until a few moments ago, you were digging the stairwell down to the magma beneath the Monastery of Mushroom, as CaptainArchmage the fortress leader had asked you to.



You were interrupted in the process when your pick crashed through a cave wall, revealing a vast cavern. You spent a few seconds gathering in the view.



Not only that, but you swear you saw a downward passage. Somewhere. But you can’t remember where.

> èrith Mistycloisters: Investigate the immediate area.

First things first, caverns are dangerous places. They are REALLY fucking dangerous places, even ones as high up as this one. There are foul creatures from before the beginning of time living in these places. You do not spot anything moving though.



To the northeast, you spot old bloodstains and a troglodyte skeleton. Whatever happened here, you missed it.



You then see the smears of drying pus on the skeleton, which to indicates it was the likely victim of a helmet snake attack.



Shit, actually there are two of the dead troglodytes, but the other was covered in cave spiders.



At least they’re not brown recluse spiders. That would be ridiculously freaky.

> èrith Mistycloisters: Check native flora and fauna



This is why the dwarven civilizations haven’t had great luck with underground wood. The upper caverns are quite dry, covered in a layer of mud. The only flora adapted to surviving here, is rather found in the deep caverns. This place is devoid of large fungi as a result. There are a shitload of spiderwebs everywhere though, and some life manages to eke out here. Obviously, there are troglodytes.

That said, these caverns would be a great place to build a base of sorts, because the mud is easily cleaned and the stone smoothed.

> èrith Mistycloisters: Engage Mineralogy Mode

Spoiler: The Big Picture of the Upper Cavern (click to show/hide)

No follower of Atir the Tan Saffron should forget their mineralogy! Especially not one as faithful as you! You promptly get to work assessing the minerals and gems in your surrounding area.

You identify the main layers present in the cavern as marble and granite. Your knowledge of geology is good enough to suspect there’s another layer of marble further down on the west side, and that’s a good thing because it is solid. Mining the stuff here will be hard, and you know it will be needed for the steel industry.



As to ore-bearing mineral deposits, you can see a lot of tetrahedrite, cassiterite, malachite, sphalerite, galena, garnierite, horn silver, native silver, and native gold. There’s even some native platinum in the Gabbro!

Gem deposits are… everywhere. There’s even some kimberlite, which means you could find diamonds!

> èrith Mistycloisters: Engage Common Sense Mode

You decide to have some common sense. You’re not digging down any further here, at least not without getting some advice from the expedition leader. Anything could happen at this point, and you’ve got to seal off the caverns ASAP. You cancel the designation to dig deeper. You’re sure everyone will understand.



At least you can also tell him where to put the maintenance drain for the plumbing.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 1st Slate 252

Well, shit. èrith Mistycloisters broke through into a cavern on the way down. It wasn’t unexpected or anything, and it’s probably for the better. I’ve re-arranged the downward staircase to fortify the route against invasion, and we’re going to have to install a hatch to block off the entry staircase.




I’ve also finished the plumbing plan for the upper branch based on what she’s told me. This is the emergency drain, which conveniently can rehydrate the caverns if we need to in the future.

> Player: Backup the fucking fortress

Given the number of crashes that have been had… you decide to backup the save here.

> CaptainArchmage: Order some much needed goods and workshops.

Moving everything indoors caused a few… issues, as you no longer have any farmers’ workshops, so you order one built at the top of the tower, enabling the sheep to be sheared in safety.

The fortress is running low on wheelbarrows, and you can see some room for mine carts too. Led Clutchedcrypts will get around to that ASAP. You top off the orders with some lederhosen, divided evenly between dwarven and human sizes.

> Be Solon Oilconfuse



You are now SOLON OILCONFUSE. You are 24 years old, and will turn 25 in Opal. You are an adequate glassmaker from Citymerged, deepest of the dwarven mountain halls. You are married to Rigòth Landwind, the fortress’ messenger and have had one son by him, Rovod Islandpages. You’re just minding your business in the lobby of The Tower.

> Get Taken by a Fey Mood



OH SHIT BRUVVA YOU KNOW IT’S GOIN’ DOWN FOR REAL

> Be Captain Archmage




You are now CaptainArchmage, still the leader of Claspedbowels. You are trying to install Tun Dabblerack’s new bed when èrith Mistycloisters comes up behind you  and says someone else has gone “really strange” and it’s the glassmaker Solon Oilconfuse.

> CaptainArchmage: Flip your shit.

We fade to black as you officially flip your shit.

(Scribbled later in the fortress journal of CaptainArchmage)




So Solon Oilconfuse has been taken by the fey. It was inevitable, and there are stories about this kind of shit going on in The Combined Forests, but it is one of the eventualities I best prepared for. A glass furnace will be established in the other barracks to allow her to work.



I am also forbidding all the raw green and clear glass; we have crystal glass to work with.

Journal of CaptainArchmage: 2nd Slate, 252

Solon Oilconfuse is now in the glass furnace screaming out her list of demands.

Raw Green Glass
Leather
Wood
Plant Cloth
Yarn Cloth

We have it all, thankfully. Seriously though, you could have just used crystal glass...



And just past the stroke of midnight, we also have another masterpiece granite throne. We don't exactly have the time to decorate these, so they'll be going right in where they need to go.

6th Slate

> Be Budget Shockedvise







You are now Bujit Shockedvise. You are a bard from The Realm of Jungles. You travelled here ten days ago to Claspedbowels from the forest retreat of Hornbeans, governed by The Society of Confidence. You’ve been around a lot though. You were probably born in the forest retreat of Fierceseed under The League of Eyes. That was after it was conquered by The Realm of Jungles. Your past residences after that started with the dwarven fortress of Hemleddeer (under The Guilds of Roaring), where you lived among dwarfkind for the first time. You didn’t stay there though, you migrated to the hamlet of Flamebuttered (under the Society of Yawning) and then the hamlet of Shadowseized (under The Even Trussed League). This is to say, you’ve had a varied life, though we aren’t sure whether things happened in this order yet. Time will tell.

You are a faithful worshipper of Posa the Rapid Dawn, and were once a member of the Sect of Knighting which is some kind of religious group.



You are the second youngest child, and youngest son of Cosla Kakthrilener and Puti Botelaroth. You are married to Lipi Guardyearlings and have three sons. You are apprenticed under Kom Stokedknots, who incidentally came to this fortress on 16th Moonstone of last year and is still here.

You were an apprentice under Ismir Mirthfuloaks and Sula Mopberries. This is curious, because you are actually 77 years old now.

You’re the uncle of Dether Targettangles, a human bard who migrated here some time ago.

> Get petition rubber-stamped



You present your petition to CaptainArchmage, who seems to be running shit around here.

> Become the fortress’ 69th permanent resident.



You are now the 69th permanent resident of Claspedbowels.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 7th Slate 252



Today, we had some chicks hatch! I think I need to move those downstairs somewhere.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 8th Slate 252





Today, Tholtig Griffonpillar submitted a petition for residency, and he only arrived yesterday. He identifies himself as an irreligious bard with a varied past. He has dual citizenship with The Letter of Bands and The Realm of Jungles. He seems to have been born in Helmeddeer, but also spent time in the forest retreat of Flightblushed. Curiously, he was once a member of The Zephyr of Axes, a local elven government at the local level. Weren't they were all conquered? I have commissioned a statue of them to find out more, and asked Tholtig to provide input. We can get to know him better. At 35 years old, going 36 next month, sure seems to have gotten around a lot.



I feel like ordering some statues or figurines of Fath Sizzlemerchant, but don't want to upset Tholtig as I have a creeping suspicion about what happened here... he was all happy and shit when I gave him residency but it's obviously buggering him.

9th Slate 252




Solon Oilconfuse has begun a mysterious construction! I have high expectations of this project. We're headed for a legendary glassmaker either way.

13th Slate 252



A commotion breaks out directly downstairs, audible from above (which is The Barricaded Vault)! The artefact is finished! It is called Sedurrodum, Emeraldbowels, a green glass earring. Solon Oilconfuse has offered it to The Walls of Adventure.




There are two subjects on the earring. Firstly, there is an image of the dual between Ngerxung Monsterfiends, a goblin exotic star, and Julosm Strappaddle the Waves of Waxing, a forest titan. Julosm Strappaddle clearly had the upper hand in the battle, and rampaged through the dark goblin pits of Liecastle. There is also an image of Tôsed Gulnas, “The Stop of Islands”, the rock salt crown on it.

Sedurrodum itself is worth 12000 suns, a respectable sum. I intend to make it part of the regalia of Claspedbowels, so it will be displayed with Tôsed Gulnas. As such, it shall be placed on a pedestal in The Barricaded Vault. I have already signed the orders and-



*A very large beer stain, mixed with saliva is on the paper.*

*scribbled in badly* Oh shit, Led Clutchedcrypts just banged on my door to tell me someone’s dead in the river. I immediately ran to Litast, who is meditating meditating on trade in The Monastery of Mushroom, to tell him to get this in order.

17th Slate

> Be the Sheriff

You are now Litast Towerpassions. You are the SHERIFF of Claspedbowels, which makes you like the MOST IMPORTANT INDIVIDUAL IN THE FORT besides CaptainArchmage who is the expedition leader. And who does like all the work. CaptainArchmage that is. You are but the humble grandson of Shorast Fikodegul, baroness consort of Claspsocket on your father’s side, born on 6th Limestone of the year 223. You are now but 29 years old.

In the future, you might even be in line for the title of baron of Claspsocket, unless your cousin Kadol Lumulegeb gets it. And that’s probably not going to happen anytime soon, and you’re pretty sure this title is only deserved by hard work. You worked really hard in the past, like at the elite Wheelbridged academy, where for a couple of years your elders were total wankers to you, and had to do a maximum of three to four hours a day of hard study before getting blackout drunk… until you got old enough to be a total wanker to your juniors and then you just had to get blackout drunk and work for like, four hours a day. It was called character building.

Ah, work. You were, before you arrived at Claspedbowels, an animal caretaker so you took care of some sheepshaggers’ sick dogs and sheep and goats and the like. Emphasis on were. You’ve been hauling shit around Claspedbowels these days though, and you were pretty much just doing that. A hauler who does some bricklaying stuff.

Then CaptainArchmage made you sheriff and gave you some snazzy quarters downstairs. Your main task was to research the background of some scumbags who were trying to steal shit from the fortress.

A lot happened today. Firstly, an artefact was made just before you woke up and the expedition leader was blabbering about it. Then he went to designate some new works or order some statues or something. Then you were called to go to the south because someone saw something in the river… something urgent.



Now, you’re standing with the rest of The Cheerful Theatres at the eastern edge of the canyon to the south. There is a dead dwarf in the river, and the fish are currently eating out his or her eyes. You’re also barfing your guts out. It’s your job to figure out what the hell happened here. This job’s harder than you thought.

> Be Fikud Frostyrazor



You are now Fikud Frostyrazor. You are one of the Marksdwarves of The Cheerful Theatres. You have been tasked by the fortress leadership to confirm the status of Avuz Bridgedjustice, and weren’t able to confirm it from the other side of the river (the scene is drawn here). This has probably been the most riveting experience of your life so far.

> Fikud Frostyrazor: Discuss the matter with the sheriff




It’s now clear as fuck what the hell happened here. Avuz Bridgedjustice decide to enter through the river on the 7th, about 10 days ago and 6 days before being noticed missing. Unfortunately it’s in a canyon. Only a skilled swimmer and climber could navigate this deathtrap, swimming upstream - alas, Avuz was not one of those. You don’t really know why someone would enter from the canyon.

You did notice some of Avuz's gear was scattered and there's a scroll tube. You report it to the sheriff.

> Be Litast Towerpassions

You are now the sheriff.

> Clean the +recycled nut roast+ from your beard

You do your best to clean out the +recycled nut roast+ from your beard. You're not very effective at it, but at least you're cleaner than before.

> Sheriff: Receive report

Fikud Frostyrazor calls your attention to a scroll tube in the river.

> Sheriff: Investigate scroll tube

Running back to the fortress, you hear something about Avuz having penned a guide to Helmeddeer named "The Art of the Mountain Halls". Curious, that place is one of the baronial capitals of The Letter of Bands!

> Sheriff: Report to CaptainArchmage

CaptainArchmage is the expedition leader of this fort. You really suspect someone else should be dealing with this higher up, though. You head to him anyway, and give him the full story.

> Be CaptainArchmage

You are now CaptainArchmage. The sheriff has just given you his report. He’s always been a bit nervous, but… eh fuck it, time to bring the journal up to date.

> CaptainArchmage: Write in Journal

According to Litast, our sheriff, Avuz Bridgedjustice drowned in the canyon. Now what’s strange about that is that she wasn’t under attack or anything, and didn’t jump into the canyon (or we’d have had a combat report about it). She must have either tried to swim up the canyon, or climbed down into it, and both are quite frankly bonkers options.

Litast’s been hard at work trying to track down the dastardly Stukos Redstandard. He’s not made much progress, obviously because he’s got other jobs like cutting down trees. However, the case of Avuz deserves a second look, because something caused her to enter through the river. Maybe another deception by The Vault of Riddles?



This was the last straw for me, when I discovered Avuz had penned a manuscript on Helmeddeer and brought it here. Why? I've signed a joint statement with the sheriff that the Mountainhome needs to take this up at a higher level. Come Autumn, or mayhaps sooner, we will hand our statement to the liaison. I want some senior, competent adventurer to look into this matter. We might have a cult on our hands.



We had a memorial to Avuz carved out, but I might order another since this one says “went missing” rather than the cause we now identified. I don’t know if we can even get the body out of the river, and when the mountainhomes finally sends an adventurer down here, we'll have to get them to do it for us. That said, we can get a coffin set up, as well as four statues.




We also got this no-quality statue of some shit that went down with The Zeyphyr of Axes. It would seem they ran Flightblushed before The Realm of Jungles took it over some time after the year 218, and the history of Tholtig means he must have been witness to what was likely the fall of the elven nation on The Sensitive Continents!

23rd Slate

The alert has gone up! Full Moon session in now in full swing.



The area on the right is Storage Area 51. As you can see, I have tried to boost the syrup production this season by introducing more farmers’ workshops.

To the left, we have the tomb area from The Monastery of Mushroom. I have allowed our miners to continue working on it for the full Moon, unfortunately they broke through into clay for some of the tombs. Damn. I guess I will have to fill in the area with blocks… or just give up that part of the project and build tombs further down, converting that settlement into residence and workshop space.



A poll indicates nobody wants to quit the fortress yet, despite all the shit that happens. Actually, turnout for the opinion poll was utter crap, seriously guys? One person wants to see the world and two want to bring freedom to The Realm of Jungles, because they seem like authoritarian pricks. Oh well. I'll put in a new poll when I can think of what to put in there.

24th Slate 252: The Full Moon Exposé

It's that time of the month again - the time when were beasts are about, so it's also story time. It's also time to face the troubles of this fortress head-on.

My fellow citizens and residents of Claspedbowels, I come to you this full moon under tragic circumstances. Tragic, because we have now lost someone on the grounds of this fortress.

Her name was Avuz Bridgedjustice. She was born in 193, devoted mother and wife, until she drowned in the canyon a few days ago.



She was taken by the Fey aged only 12, and produced some sort of artefact in the forest retreat of Flightblushed.



Ten years ago she authored a scroll called The Art of the Mountain Halls. A curious artefact, it now lies in the river canyon with her body.

We do not know what transpired that day, as she was not pushed or chased into the canyon, nor apparently under any kind of stress of any sort. There is some kind of grim and dark force, perhaps a grimdark force, permeating this location, nay, perhaps the entire continent.

But we shall overcome these challenges, and drive back the darkness! Already, we are raising walls around our fortress! By the end of the year I intend every dwarf to be able to stand upon the surface during the full Moon without fear! Already, we are expanding our plumbing supply! By the end of the year, I intend there to be running water in our fortress! And Already, we are expanding downward! By the end of the year, I intend there to be magma powered forges and glass furnaces! And when the Autumn Caravan arrives, I will send a request for aid to the Mountainhomes! We shall prevail!

Also, I just want to leave this session on a good note. You know, it helps to have a few… well… see for yourselves…

> Be CaptainArchmage

You are now CaptainArchmage. You have just delivered the most nightmarish speech yet, that you never wanted to have to give. You now just have to pull the +hemp cloth+ off this rock salt statue.

> CaptainArchmage: Pull the +hemp cloth+ off the statues.



TA-DAAAAAAAA

tl;dr:

1. We have just about as many citizens as permanent residents. Or maybe that's the other way around.
2. We have a new glass artefact, part of the new Claspedbowels regalia. It's currently displayed in the library...
3. We had our first dwarf death, albeit a visitor who seemed to have fallen into the canyon... or just tried to swim up it. They've left behind an original manuscript.
4.Not shown, but the southern parts of the fortress are now walled off but not gated. The walls are extending northwards so soon we'll have another surface keep.
5.“High climax” of The Sect of Knighting. Seriously?

[CaptainArchmage]

We're not even out of summer yet and we've hit the magma! Progress is a bit... slow for now due to real life and the amount of stuff happening in the fort.

> Be the reader

You are now the reader.

> Reader: Read journal entries

You read the following journal entries, documenting life in the Claspedbowels between the end of Slate and mid-Felsite.

Journal of Rakust “Sanctume” Martyredroughness, Militia Commander of Claspedbowels, 25th Slate 252

As usual, I have raised the alert and unlocked the gates with the passing of the full moon. However, only some of the doors will be unlocked.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 28th Slate 252




Today, I gave residency to Tetha Dippointed. She is 64 years old, or rather will turn 64 in a little under two months. A child of summer, I see.



Tholtig really likes the statue arrangements in Claspedbowels.

Journal of èrith Mistycloisters: 1st Felsite, 252



Orders from the top just landed under my door. I wish I had a fucking desk to work on so I could manage this, if only we had a mining guild or something here! Now originally, I’d been tasked with making some “preliminary” mining charts and I helped outline what I think are the barrier points where there are likely aquifers, with the surface work. This here diagram is supposed to be some underground farm where we grow sweet pods, and then it gets milled into sugar or processed into dwarven syrup just below



But no, the fort's "top" isn’t going to do that. They want to dig straight down. I have a new plan for the underworks around The Monastery of Mushroom, and this is the top end. We’re on express elevator to magma. Going’ down!

I hope the Captain knows what he’s doing here.

Journal of “Sanctume”, 1st Felsite 252

The morning started off with Tosid running his mouth off about Wanedcrews, calling it "the  best thing since dwarven syrup biscuits" I am moving it down to the library and putting it with the rest of the "regalia" on that pedestal. As the only mug in The Barricaded Vault, it will also serve to fuel drunken discussion on communistic economics.



Around midday, Tosid Helpfulcudgel joined the fortress. She’s the former apprentice of Adi (visiting bard) and cousin of Rovod Loneknife.

Not that this matters because CaptainArchmage rubber-stamped the petition as usual.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 4th Felsite 252



The morning starts with another mercenary in my office… great. This one is Sazir Machinemoistness. He’s 97 years old, and an axedwarf. We need more merc to compensate with our nearly non-existent military which I have been warned about.

8th Felsite 252



Sazir leaps right into action, incapacitating a giant grey squirrel in no time at all!

Damn, we need some currency to pay for these folks. Oh right, we don’t. We have booze, cocaine, and bearded hookers.

Journal of "Sanctume", 8th Felsite 252



A few days ago CaptainArchmage gave residency to another merc, who is an axedwarf. "Sazir" is now in a brawl with a giant grey squirrel that got too close to the fortress. I don't agree with mercs because they're hard to control in combat. They can't use their own gear in a squad and never equip it. We have to literally give them a full personal armoury before they store their stuff, too. Oh well, this combat went fine, and this is why we need to fortify the fucking fortress on the WEST SIDE.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 9th Felsite 252



The day started out with Adi, the master of Isun, to whom I gave residency, asking me for residency, so I gave it to her.




Imic decided to try his amateur kickboxing skills out on the squirrel, eventually knocking out its teeth. I think the initial blows from Sazir made this considerable more safe for him to do.



Logem Helmedmost, however, is heading in with her pear wood obsidian short sword. We’ll see how that goes… I have high expectations for our gear.





And in an incredible turn of events, one of the bards, Degël Galleyoil, jumps into the fray the squirrel dual wielding his legendary manuscripts “Could it be the Forest?” And “The Truth about the Forest Retreat”. This is one hell of a defence for both his theses!



Aaaaaand… Degël Galleyoil has it! The Giant Grey Squirrel is down! The Giant Grey Squirrel is dead! Victory is ours!




The Truth About the Forest Retreat struck the final blow. It’s a kimberlite bound codex and a new legendary weapon.



This was the scene, which took place in The Temple of Law. Present counterclockwise around the squirrel are Imic, Degël, Bujit, Kûbuk Mazegate, Logem, and Zasit the militia captainer. On the assist to the west is Asob the Marksdwarf. Ustuth is to the northeast, one of the mercs.

The take home lesson is that the kimberlite codex was extremely effective. Marksdwarf performance was considerably sub-par, as was the obsidian short sword.

A bang on my door tells me it's time to give Kûbuk his weekly psychotherapy session.

Funnily enough, Kib Mansionstroked seems to be fine and I think she was stressed out before she became a leatherworker. Now she’s “Adept” at the job. Turns out keeping busy keeps you sharp!

Not much to report on the shaft, but Zas Fencepulled finished the shaft down to Level 0. I’ve ordered it extended to Level -11 and that will be the floor. We’ll expand exploratory passages from there to magma.

15th Felsite

> Grey squirrel: Fall out of tree



> CaptainArchmage: Read combat report

Dude, WTF

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 16th Felsite

FATALITY

Sadly the now-dead giant grey squirrel is up in a tree. Don’t know if we can get it down and if I cut down the tree it might fall into the pool, contaminating it.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 17th Felsite



I hear a commotion aboveground and see Ustuth in combat with the last giant grey squirrel. I activate The Cheerful Theatres as well as The Diamond Play in hopes to rid our fortress of the last damn grey squirrel.



Aaaand Ustuth has finished off the squirrel! Crisis averted, back as you were everyone else.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 18th Felsite



We finally have the rest of the statues done! Now we can properly memorialize Avuz Bridgedjustice. I'm thinking instead of putting her in the Monastery of Mushroom, we should give her a family tomb or monument or something as she was kind of a perhaps-legendary writer.



Amazingly, Avuz fled in Flightblushed when the site was conquered in 230, so we now have the history of the place nailed down. This was probably one of the last elven forest retreats to fall to the humans.



For the record, Hailedpresent is this human hamlet right here on the east coast. It must have been one hell of a trek!



Oh crap. That’s another abduction, sorry Tholtig

> Be Zas Fencepulled




You are now Zas Fencepulled. You’re currently in a hot ass-chamber deep beneath the Monastery of Mushroom. You and your superior èrith Mistycloisters were carving this place out to make some room for storage and exploration. Now she's going upstairs to drink some fox tail millet beer. Supposedly, there would be magma down here, and it certainly feels like it. You’ve put down a constructed, rough diorite downward staircase and are about to carve to the level below.

> Zas Fencepulled: Strike the magma!



You strike the magma. The semi-solidified rock breaks through and you can sense you’ve hit the bottom of the world. Or maybe not. There’s still some levels which are deeper. You wonder what could possibly be down there.

> Zas Fencepulled: Find adamantine.



You sense adamantine in the nearby area! For some reason it's possible to see through the magma.

> Zas Fencepulled: Determine magmatic pumping arrangements.

You’re not experienced with this matter. Time to hand the forge planning to someone who can.

> Zas Fencepulled: Observe local wildlife



By ïtsas Chirpsongs the Grass of Worth! It's a snake made of fire! Unlike your superior, èrith Mistycloisters  (who is heading upstairs for a drink), you haven't seen one of the things EVER in your life but you've heard of them and have seen engravings of them.

Spoiler: Why did it have to be fire snakes? (click to show/hide)

You're not too bothered by them but they CAN bite and it might be poisonous. They look like they're also made of fire, so it would hurt like hell to hold one for a time.

> Zas Fencepulled: Yell to èrith Mistycloisters to report to a superior

You yell up the shaft to èrith to tell the fort's leadership you've hit magma. Hopefully she heard. You guess it's time to mine out the rest of this chamber and take a well-deserved break.

[CaptainArchmage]

Claspedbowels is back, and with a new load of crap as "Expedition Leader" CaptainArchmage struggles with rapidly advancing developments. I've gone further than this but haven't written up the report yet and there's some mp4s I need to embed on here.

Unfortunately, it's looking like we might be in for more than just three years here. Bare minimum for this fort is enough rooms for everyone + running water + walled off + forges + maybe enough temples to cover everyone (not necessarily done well just done).

18th Felsite 252

> Be CaptainArchmage

You are now CaptainArchmage. Two hours ago, you were told the magma sea has been breached.

> CaptainArchmage: Hold Press Conference



You fuckin' serious? You have to spin it to win it, and so you decide not to hold or bold a press conference. You decide to alert “Sanctume” to the presence of magma.

> CaptainArchmage: Write in Journal

Naturally, your journal ends up in a future library in Claspedbowels and a lot of copies are made as time marches on. This is likely going to be an A1 source of "historical material" for future scholars as they struggle under an eye-watering three-hours--of-work-a-day-regime for their 8-week terms, of which there are three to four a year. To be fair on them, in the future there is "hazing". where one is locked into a well room and forced to drink hydrogenated oxygen and eat raw sliver barbs for two weeks, in order to get accepted to some "society" using an alternative alphabet to give the impression of being "secret" and "cool".

Journal of CaptainArchmage, Expedition Leader, 19th Felsite 252

Today we finally struck the magma. I called a fort leadership session, and there’s like three furnaces we need in The Monastery of Mushroom’s magma facilities: Kilns, Glass Furnaces, and Smelters. We could also use a forge for metal. The best shot now would be literally be a glass furnace and a smelter though, so we can get the steel we need.

Journal of “Sanctume”, Militia Commander, 23rd Felsite 252

The full moon ended without incident. At least that's how I'm supposed to "report" this although disturbingly, no alert was raised. We were so indulged in managing the excavation of the furnace room(s).

Happily though, our stairwell is now sealed off from the caverns with some of the rock salt. A couple of trolls were sighted a few days ago and we were getting worried they’d climb the walls.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 24th Felsite 252



Two new statues from Rigòth Wheeltower were completed. The first is what I consider a sub-par statue of Tholtig Griffonpillar’s marriage.



The second was designed for a temple or shrine to Galu Rocksclams the Amethyst of Echoes, object of worship by a certain Messer Helmsummits in the fortress, whom I have covered previously. The statue depicts the destruction of Ragrhyme by the mountain titan. Ragrhyme is a mountain halls, and this was the second rampage of this titan in the place. The Metal of Dwelling was defeated in this incident, though the halls are still in use and therefore must have been reclaimed. Seems like Deduk Helmsummits is part of a cult or club to this being.

I’ve set up an order for barrels and I’ve been commissioning muscle shell figurines on one thing or other lately.

Summer Report by CaptainArchmage, 1st Hematite 252



Our third spring is now over. Phew, that was intense, and the report’s posted above. We’re at 74 dwarves and other people, that’s 6 short of a crisis.

Spoiler: Combat report (click to show/hide)

Sanctume came to me again on the 27th, outlining another “incident” where a giant flying squirrel fell out of a tree and got seriously injured. He thinks they scaling up of their body size by whatever forces were responsible, didn’t quite conform to the “laws of fizzics” or “natural elections” or something so they’re a bit flakey.

The season in perspective featured a fey mood yielding a new artefact earring and legendary glassmaker, several lockdowns, a major battle with giant grey squirrels, an attempted robbery of Wanedcrews leading to its confiscation from The League of Legends, the opening of the upper caverns, and the discovery of magma in no particular order.

We’re officially building our new glass furnaces and smelters at the base of The Monastery of Mushroom. I might even throw in a kiln. You see, last year Solon “Verb” Rosyearths mentioned being a fisher and a moghopperist. We can capture some moghoppers, but we need some glass aquariums for that… and that’s where our furnaces will come into play.

As to “Verb”, I am preparing a special project for his 136th on 25th Obsidian (and going to lay down some foundations to a manse here, after the fruit is cleared away. I intend it to hold, like, the rest of his family if necessary. This summer though, he’ll need to be able to fish up without one.)

Farming has hit a crisis as we no longer have enough space for other crops. We’ll need to prioritise the forges, but afterwards we’ll start on a syrup refinery.

I’ve decided to turn our imported cinnabar into two statues for Fakerfangirl. I think it’s time to start paying attention to residents’ preferences and this was one we could easily do.

Journal of Sanctume, Militia Commander and Number Two: 1st Hematite



Yegadz! We caught a hammerdwarf named ònul Lalturustuth (Coverfenced) sneaking around. He’s now on the run.



Distressingly, he’d signed the visitor register on 28th Slate, so he’s been here before and scouted the place out. I’ve passed his description to the sheriff.

The following notice was posted in THE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS later that day

BY ORDER OF LITAST URDIMISHN, 2ND IN LINE TO THE BARONY OF CLASPSOCKET, 1ST WOODCUTTER-MARSHALL AND SHERIFF OF CLASPEDBOWELS



HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DWARF?

ònul Lalturustuth (Coverfenced) was spotted sneaking around Claspedbowels at midday on 1st Hematite, 252 and promptly fled the scene to the north. Estimated age is over 70.

He is suspected to be involved in extensive organised crime within The Letter of Bands and is ex-military (discharge status uncertain) and is known to have scouted out the fortress after 28th Slate of the same year.

He was last seen waring a blue cloth dress and hood, undyed wool trousers robe and cloak, silk gloves, copper gauntlets and chain leggings, bronze helm and low boots (possibly bismuth), and three mail shirts, one of which is iron; two are bronze and carrying the insignia of our civilization in brass and kaolinite respectively. Carries a steel shield and armed with silver war hammer.

Reward for information leading to his arrest or disposal is both his giant cave spider silk socks (no assurance of quality, delivered unwashed), a personal statue in brass or preferred material (no guaranteed delivery timescale), or anything you want for five minutes with Beardy B.

In unrelated decree, jokes about the High Climax of the Sect of Knighting are officially unfunny and must be frowned upon for this month for a period of no less than 6.9 seconds per joke.

Journal of the Litast Towerpassions, Sheriff, 1st Hematite 252

Today we had another attempted theft by the criminal scumbag ònul Lalturustuth, or “Coverfenced”. Messer Coverfenced wanted to likely steal Wanedcrews, which we took down to The Barricaded Vault. I put out a wanted poster and I’ve completed my initial investigation.






Distressingly, Tholtig Griffonpillar revealed the presence of Wanedcrews to Messer Coverfenced about a month ago. Additionally, Messer Coverfenced is the younger brother of Logem Helmedmost, our legendary bone carver. This means he’s related to a lot of people in the fortress. Given how this case involves high ranking dwarves and nobody was hurt, I’m rescinding the hunt going to desist at this point but have put a strong recommendation out to fortify the… fortress on that side.

Journal Entry by CaptainArchmage, 5th Hematite 252



Today our fortress got its 75th resident, Zurko Brushgame. He’s another great musician and entertainer.



He likes jet, and has an extensive family.



In my efforts to seal off the fortress, we’re building a wall around the north western mound, and we’ll continue down south with a proper gate being installed a bit later. Unfortunately, I forgot to take èrith off this job so she’s now building a wall instead of mining the furnace or magma storage chambers down below.



Having many steel portcullises would be great, but we don’t have the time to make the bars so I had these exceptional quality rock salt grates made, and will use them instead. After we get our forges going, perhaps we can switch them for steel.

Journal of Sanctume, Militia Commander, 9th Hematite 252



Adil Wordyletter is now a resident at Claspedbowels. I was hoping some kind of background check would be done but residency was approved almost immediately as usual.



In order to secure the fortress against threats from the magma ocean, I directed the engravers to smooth up the furnaces. Rigòth Wheeltower will on delivery cut us four blocks out of quartzite in order to build a magma kiln, magma glass furnace, magma smelter, and magma forge in no particular order. Only then will we breach the magma sea. CaptainArchmage has sent èrith to finish the work and tell Zas to work elsewhere in the Monastery of Mushroom on some other funky ass project.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 10th Hematite 252



Uzo Jumpconfused the human dancer is our latest and 77th resident! Woo. I’ve decided to take two more, then we’re in dangerous territory.



Uzo is 18 years old and the cousin of Er Beanyawns, a lady consort. His uncle is Isun Haregrains the bard. He is a member of The Council of Baking, which rules the hamlet of Pethedges in The Jade Hill, which lies the south coast of The Sensitive Continents. He is married and already has one son. He was once a member of The Noble Group, but is now trying to get away from it all.



Work continues on the western side of the wall. The south and southeastern sections are complete on the ground level. Hopefully nothing worse happens in the meantime. I’ve asked Sanctum to set the military readiness alert on the 17th in preparation for the full Moon on the 19th.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 12th Hematite 252



Crap. I heard reports of bubbling noises and bad smells down at the Monastery of Mushroom's interchange. We have a forgotten beast, named Cèthutha Miyufapíware Cona Esaga, a towering quadruped made of water. I’ve asked Sanctume to assess the threat posed by this beast.

> Be Sanctume

You are now Sanctume, militia commandeerer, scholar, number two of Claspedbowels.

Military Readiness Report, 12th Hematite 252




It was inevitable that one of the forgotten beasts would eventually show up in the caverns. “Cèthutha Cystpusses the Hole of Snots”, however, is likely one of the weaker ones as water-based elementals are stunningly easy to defeat in combat. It might even fall to the troglodytes found in these caverns. It cannot fly and even if it could there are no remaining entrances to the fortress unless it can dissolve rock salt. The main threat comes from the poisonous gas emitted by the beast.



I’ve asked for a rock salt statue to be made of this beast. It’s relevant spheres are water, depravity, and caverns if anyone actually worships this thing.

> Be Troglodyte

You are now a female troglodyte.

> Be attacked by Cèthutha




Oh shit.

> Be CaptainArchmage

CaptainArchmage’s Report, 13th Hematite 252

Sanctume says don’t worry and some troglodytes might take Cèthutha down. Well, there’s now combat down there featuring Cèthutha and some troglodytes.

> Be the Narrator

Aaaaaaaand this male troglodyte is going in for the beating! Does he know he’s up against the beast of depravity and caverns? Does he care? Oh no! He’s laying in a few punches, and there’s blood…

Aaaand he’s dead. Cèthutha claims another victim! But the beast is wounded all right! A good chunk was taken out of his upper body! But what will the fallen troglodyte’s fellow tribeswoman do?

> Be Troglodyte

You are now a troglodyte. You are standing near the mangled corpse of one of your tribe, who was just killed by a massive quadruped made out of water.

> Troglodyte: Engage in combat with Cèthutha



You engage in combat with Cèthutha and lay into the thing with your fists and feet. It rips off your foot.

> Troglodyte: Land killing blow



The beast just ripped off your foot, but you punch it in the stomach. You get caught in the forgotten beast’s extract but the beast is bisected and falls apart!

> Troglodyte: Get named

CaptainArchmage’s Report, 13th Hematite 252, continued



And it’s dead! That was the most violent ten minutes ever in this fortress so far. The victor is this female troglodyte here. A quick fortress poll named her Caÿalathoce, or “Soundvirtue” after her defeat of the living deity of depravity amongst other things. Cèthutha Cystpusses the Hole of Snots is no more!

In the event Caÿalathoce doesn’t make it, I will build a monument to her for assistance to the fortress.

> Be the Caÿalathoce



You are now Caÿalathoce, Soundvirtue. You just got named by the dwarves living in the fortress above, but we’re not meta gaming this. You don’t honestly know that. You’re mainly concerned with not dying.

> Caÿalathoce: Try to stop the bleeding



You use your left hand to try to stem the bleeding on your leg and crawl away from the remains of the elemental quadruped as it disintegrates into a pool of water.

It’s somewhat effective.



You’re in pain and suffering extreme blood loss, but you’re probably going to live if you don’t get an infection. You’re now the heroine of your tribe, though you’re going to be on disability for the rest of your life now. That said you’re 27 years old now and your kind live 45-90 years so you could well become a living legend.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 14th Hematite 252




Happily, Caÿalathoce didn’t die (yet) and I’ve commissioned a statue in her honour.



We’re up to 78 residents now with Oddom Crushstockades. He’s a bard , and author of “The Tree Might Help”, a book on Hornbeans. He has dual citizenship of The Letter of Bands and The Realm of Jungles, and came from the hillocks of Tacticoiled about half a day’s travel to the southeast.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 15th Hematite 252



Oh fugg, I forgot the human caravan was coming in! They showed up the same time as a naturalist named Uvash Orangecopper. Guess we aren’t going to be shutting down the fort for the full Moon after all. I send a letter to the Rigòth Wheeltower to arrange some trading with the main weight of the trades to go on our prepared food.

Entries in the Journal of Sanctume, Militia Commander of Claspedbowels, in Hematite in the year 252

16th Hematite




Today, an insane bowyer known as Doren Kollokum, niece of Kib Mûthkatsat the poet, showed up as a visitor. She’s related as a result to Tholtig as a cousin, and some other residents and citizens. Crap.



She started shedding clothes right on arrival. Not sure what caused this madness but it is not something that is curable and definitely not within a military remit. Guess it’s time to get a coffin ready.

17th Hematite

Word is that Doren is now missing. I’m sending Asob to investigate the north of the fortress (who, notably lately had a well decorated wardrobe made ready for delivery to his bedroom). I fear the worst.

Diary of Asob Sabrestreams, 18th Hematite 252




Sanctume ordered me out here to the northern pools, fearing the worst for Doren. Unfortunately, I now must return to the fortress and file the paperwork with Sheriff Litast - Doren is dead, drowned in a pool.



I am uneasy. I have forbidden all the goods of Doren pending confiscation as several pretentious motherfuckers tried to claim the items. They will then be transferred to a pedestal in Doren’s tomb.



For crying’ out loud.

Journal of Rigòth Wheeltower, 18th Slate 252

The last few days have been absolutely crazy. First I finish a bunch of statues that are going into some kind of “exposé” for CaptainArchmage during the full moon for which we’re not getting a shutdown now. Then I get an order for two rock salt coffins and have to finish them before the trading begins. Someone died again, while visiting the fort. Hope it wasn’t anyone someone knew.



I then go and trade a bunch of trashy sub-par crafts as well as religious goods with the humans. Rule of thumb, if it’s not a specially-commissioned figurine or statue, and not made out of a particularly rare material and not of exceptional or masterwork quality, it gets sold. I also threw in three barrels worth of “decent prepared food” (example above). That term’s fitting of the praise of The Vault of Riddles, because it’s quite frankly crap that gives me “deer shits”. And this is the stuff that’s not the Super Dwarven Syrup Roast Whopper.

I traded for a pile of paper, cheese, bags, clay, sand, leather, metal, and some leather short skirts and head veils from the humans. We can’t produce those two here. I also bought a bronze pike for our resident human mercenary pikeman and a stack of books and scrolls.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 20th Hematite 252




Today we had our first residency request from an elf, Uhos Baldsecret. Wow, it took all of two years for that! She came from the *human* forest retreat of Morningtails, and is 185 years old making her the oldest resident in the fort, and second-oldest visitor aside from Cèthutha Cystpusses. Apparently Morningtails was conquered quite early by The Realm of Jungles as her values align significantly with it… or something isn’t right. Like most dwarves, and like The Realm of Jungles, she finds nature disturbing and the main differences we have are over freedom (rrrrrr). We’ll see. She doesn’t have any identified parentage.

The good news is her needs are easy to fulfil. We have bronze, and shad is a common catch in the river. We have a few bilberries and can use those to make wine.

The following plans were put into the Journal of Fortress Planning, 23rd Hematite 252.



“After much deliberation, these plans were drawn up for the lowest level of rock salt in Claspedbowels”. Unfortunately, they were immediately canned due to the need to design the upper floors first, indicating the importance of top-down as well as bottom-up fortress planning.



A compromise project attempted was Processing Centre Five, the new dwarven syrup processing plant and storage facility. It’s on the same “level” as Storage Area 51.

Journal of CaptainArchmage, 24th Hematite 252

After some pearl-clutching over various crapped out mining plans I discussed with the miners, I’ve given the order to start mining space for new crafting workshops under the Monastery of Mushroom.

I’m going to sleep now and have a meeting scheduled in the morning. Cosla Yorepad seems to be a little desperate though (and is the cousin of Dether Targettangles)… trouble is as soon as I take on another resident I will be attracting attention we don’t want yet. Hell we don’t even have enough bedrooms for everyone anymore! I’ll tell her to come back later. Politely.

[CaptainArchmage]

I should probably change the title of the thread, but I won't. In which the collective leadership of Claspedbowels empties its collective bowels.

Edit: I made a major error thinking it was the bard. Nope. It was Smoma Crushkindles who felled the cyclops with her bronze whip. Dam good first kill there.

Journal of CaptainArchmage 25th Hematite 252



OK, so you were expecting morbidly-obese-dwarf-on-skinny-long-white-haired-human-woman smut? Well prepare to be disappointed: I drank like five ten fifteen pints of Qraft Beer, went to sleep. So CRAPBALLS YO she was just watching me sleep and a total fucking nervous wreck. Without the fucking.



So we're going to go up to the Monastery of Mushroom now. That's, like, the monastery, not anything to do with my mushroom... get it? OK. I need to get this off my chest. I need to tell her politely WE CAN'T DO IT NOW but like, come back in a couple of months or a year and we'll be just A-OK. Right. Heading upstairs, anything that goes tits up is going to be dealt with by Sanctume, my Number Two.



Yeah I was wondering where was my Number One. Then I realised, I am my Number One! Yo let's get this over with.

> Be CaptainArchmage



You are now CaptainArchmage. You spend the night with some human bard watching you sleep, it’s almost as though privacy, self-respect, and common decency have been purged from the dictionary and nobody appreciates them anymore. Also if people are going to keep doing that you need to invest in an obsidian couch.

What next, you think. Are people going to start eating soap while chasing it with spirits?

After waking up, you headed up to The Monastery of Mushroom to discuss her work but when you went inside, you heard the alert go up. It’s not the full Moon yet, wait what?

> CaptainArchmage: Check outside

A visitor and a dog run in, and the doors slam shut.

> CaptainArchmage: Open the door

You can’t open the damn door, because it is locked.

> CaptainArchmage: Open the damn door.

It’s locked and whoever locked it forgot you’re in there. It’s made out of rock salt so you can lick your way out, but you’d probably die from salt poisoning first.

> CaptainArchmage: Look through keyhole




You peer through what passes for a keyhole on this door, and see Cosla Yorepad beating a FUCKING CYCLOPS with her cherry wood ozur. Oh shit. She seems to have it actually scared… but then she took a blow to the ankle and keels over. Sounded like it’s ripped a tendon and maybe a ligament. There goes the neighbourhood and the fortress. You were happy to blow off the request for residency owing to overcapacity, but there’s no way now. Clapsedbowels is officially going off the deep end.

Militia Commander’s Report by Sanctume, 25th Hematite 252



So last night I was having a good gurn at some sexy-a-f granite door while swigging Claspedbowels Wild ’51 wine out of my waterskin, because bruvva waterskins aren’t just for water. Water’s for wells. Whoa man. Well I spend a good ten minutes drooling in that workshop while Ral Wheeltower gets another lump of granite then there’s a bit of commotion upstairs.



The cyclops Athathi Apexmighty arrived at the borders of our fortress and I enacted the usual Full Moon protocol. Several people fled into The Monastery of Mushroom’s surface facility, and promptly got locked inside. I didn’t check who they were, in hindsight that could have been better.



Vutok Spreadclasped was playing make believe way out among the northern pools and the Cyclops headed him off at the entrance. We didn’t have walls finished, so both can get to the fortress. I don’t know how much of a risk he’s at besides “eight your old is out and about alone in the wilderness”.

I’d activated all squads and send them to the trade depot, but the beast engaged with Cosla Yorepad, an artist I thought CaptainArchmage was going to give residency to against better judgement, since it would make the fort large enough to be noticed by goblins and the like with the “critical eighty” members. That’s probably got to change now, Cosla gave the beast a whacking until it broke her ankle, but actually sent it running to the north of the fortress where the thing was trapped and everyone started to wail on it leaving it unconscious.

I’m heading into the fray now with a masterwork obsidian short sword (with oaken handle) but haven’t seen the captain anywhere.

Oh, someone’s banging on the doors of the Monastery of Mushroom from the inside. Wonder who that could be?

The following combat reports were entered by CaptainArchmage, from the 25th Hematite to 1st Malachite

PHASE ONE OF COMBAT



So everyone’s just piling in on it, landing several major injuries. Hope the obsidian swords do some good… but they aren’t. Crap. Are they even working right? Several dwarves are getting stunned too, not sure how. It's like they're stunned how ineffective our military equipment is.

PHASE TWO OF COMBAT



Aaaaand as several bolts go flying outside, I’m going to keep my appointment so I am just sitting here in the Monastery of Mushroom waiting for the meeting to take place. Doors are unlocked though. Now. Whoopsie. Oh wait, they were unlocked a few days ago…

ROUND THREE



It’s now the 27th. Two days have passed since the cyclops got here, and I’m still waiting for the meeting in The Monastery of Mushroom. Also our bashing weapons are mostly ineffective, and everything but the furniture is being thrown at this thing. I get a message the miners have hit microcline, yuck, and tell them to mine moar.

ROUND FOUR



You know what... I’m standing down. Not doing much good here and neither is the squad. Cosla fled into the ditch.

ROUND FIVE



I don’t see how this thing is still alive. It’s been three days now! Also I’m adding Penoc Tomedwells to our squad, and telling him to use a pike but he’s asleep in the library after an all-nighter. WTF dude we need you up here! Also Rigòth Wheeltower shows up hauling a fucking boulder. Just drop and… ah hell.

FINAL ROUND



And now Rigòth Wheeltower is finally getting in there, still goi- oh. It’s dead. Let’s see where Penoc is- oh of course, still getting his ass out of the library. Sorry dude.

AFTERMATH



Looks like a lot of stunned folks out here but no injuries- oh shit it’s the cook, Kol Escortrelic! Bruuuh-

Oh, looks like his injuries from that Giant Kea attack. And he often has recollections of that too, but no signs of PTSD.

I wonder what brave motherfucker landed the final blow. We haven’t had any named weapons I would expect from such a kill as this…



Oh. Figures. It was a scholar with another book. *RAGEQUIT*

Later that day





Contrary to my earlier statements, it was actually Smoma Crushkindles, the 92 year old human lasher, who was just passing by and decisively bashed in the skull of Athathi Apexmighty with a bronze whip. Well done Smoma.



I have ordered two granite statues of Smoma and Athathi. It turns out Athathi Apexmighty is associated with longevity as well, as well as lightning, light, and a few other things.