Diary of Salmeuk, Overseer - 1/13, Year 10Three errant marksdwarves migrated today. The one called Eral brought her two children, a pair of brothers.
The elves arrived with their gaudy wooden trinkets and strange caged animals. Out of curiousity, I started talking with their caravan leader, a female elf named (how appropriate) "Elana Carryberries," about how they are able to domesticate and raise such rare beasts. At first the discussion was guarded, I imagine they don't like sharing their secrets, but after I mentioned that we were raising hordes of ducks she brightened up. It was no longer an awkward conversation between elf and dwarf, but instead between two fellow animal caretakers.
She talked about how every elf knows a special herb that grows in a single, sun-shadowed mountain valley to the north.
This herb, when ground to dust and mixed into a paste with the wine made from sun berries, encourages certain, um, reproductive habits in whatever beast might eat it. I asked what might happen if a person was to eat it. She looked at me slyly and said, "That's not for a dwarf to know."
Now, for last few months our caretakers have been complaining about the apparent unwillingness of our ducks to lay fertile eggs. We've tried every trick in the book to get them horny.
More food - ducks got fat and lazy.
More space - ducks ignored each other to explore.
More golden statues (depicting erotic duck escapades) - this has always worked in the past, but apparently the ducks don't give a damn about smut and would rather just eat worms all day.
We even tried sex educkation, where I stood in front of a classroom full of ducks and showed the "ins-and-outs" of the whole babymaking thing. Didn't work, though I can now claim experience in the biological mechanism of duck love. Maybe I'll write a book about it.
After hearing about this animal aphrodisiac I knew we had to get it. I told Elana Carryberries that I would trade anything in the fortress if I could get my hands on this herb.
"Why would I give such a thing to dwarf? That kind of magic is beyond your folk. Besides, the amount we carry is destined for the forest retreat Twilightmurder, who are attempting to grow their herd of giant leopards. Their climate isn't the best for that sort of thing, seeing as they live in the forests of the northern tundra and rarely see the light . ."
I drowned out her talking. There was only one place that shipment was going, and that was straight into the stomachs of our ducks. And to do that, we needed to 'relieve' the elves of their cargo. One way or another. . .
------------------When we suddenly withdrew our trader from negotiations, the elves didn't notice or seem to think much of it.
When we started constructing new "doorframes" near the exit of the trade depot, the elves applauded our hard work ethic.
When those doorframes suddenly became walls, the elves felt only the slightest tinge of nervousness. An eerie silence fell over the elves, and as their donkeys brayed nervously they talked amongst themselves."Should we go?"
"Do you think it's a trap?"
"No, they are obviously still trading since they left all their stuff here."
"But where ARE they? They were here a second ago, and now they're gone."
"Hey, I think this is a trap. We should go."
"What are they going to do? Drown us? You read the reports, this fortress lacks surface water. Remember, dwarves are not magical. There's no way they could bring water up to surface in this region, it's too far. Their idea of a pump is a dude spinning a giant corkscrew."
"They wouldn't kill us because it would mean war. Plus, you've met their broker, he's such a nice guy!"
"I don't really like the guy. He talks about ducks too much, and you saw how he dressed all shabby."
"Man they ALL talk about ducks too much! Something is wrong with this place. We should go."
With a *kerchunk* and a deep GRGRGRGRGRGRgrgrgrgrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeEEEEEEKKKK the granite gate snapped shut, trapping the elves in a black room with no escape in sight. Their fate is best left unrecorded.
Last Known Image of Elven Caravan #1272---------
I am amazed at how fast the powdered herb worked. I had ordered it mixed in with the usual duck feed. At noon, per the schedule, we fed the ducks and they happily ate up the gruel, magic powder and all. We left them to their business, and lo and behold, today I enter the temple to find this:
A miraculous omen for the new year!
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Topic: Duck Fortress: Seaside Absurdity - Overseers Wanted! Quack! (Read 40803 times)