“Undercover? Incognito?!? I’d rather just show up and punch everyone’s face in!
You should know me! I’m Kung Fu Man! Not Subtle Sneaky Man! I do the Kung Fu and some stay dry and others feel the pain! I ain’t got the time for quiet ninja nonsense. My rage burns with righteous fury and my fists hunger for supreme battle!”“...Right. Why am I not surprised?”The Colonel scratches the back of his head and lets out a sigh.
“Give me a sec.”The Colonel produces a phone and dials a number.
“Hey it’s me. Yeah. I mean no. What do you mean ‘what do you mean’? He’s doing it, obviously, but not with us. No. He says it's not his style. Right. He’s says he’s going loud. Yes. Playing it gatecrasher. Yes. My boys are still good. Yeah. Kinda expected this, not gonna lie. You figure it out, smart-ass!”“THE HEAD!” You interrupt.
The muscular man in white gives you a strange look.
“The what?”“The chicken costume you offered. GIVE ME THE HEAD! I want to wear it. It’ll be...dramatic!”You strike a wild pose. No, Japanese text does not float around you.
He shakes his head, lets out another exasperated sigh, and goes back to his phone.
“You hear that? You still got that extra suit, right? No, he just wants the head. The head. Yeah, I’m serious. I don’t know! Tell me about it. No, I don’t think so. He’s good. He’s kinda crazy, but he’s good. You already told me about your time in Wilmington. I get it. I get it. You crazy S.O.B. Yeah, I’ll save you a six pack. You have fun tonight, ya hear?”*click*“So the deal is..”“Oh yeah, do you have a spare Delorean? One of those sleek metal cars. Gullwing doors. Stainless steel. Very stylish. Very angular. Very 80s. I was thinking of rocking some synthwave with some ultraviolence…”“A Delorean? Hello? Hello? Think, Kung Fu Man, think! We ain’t got no Deloreans. Didn’t the company that made those go bankrupt decades ago? Between you and me, the boss prefers DeTomaso anyways.”“So about that chicken head...”“As I was gonna say, before I was so rudely interrupted: Colonel is stopping by to pick up Popcorn and Buffalo. Got the full entourage for tonight. He’s got the spare costume.”-One uneventful timeskip later-“..so then, get this, I put him in this big box and just threw him into the woods!”“I would’ve just dropped an elbow and caved his skull in!”Both you and the Colonel laugh as you share silly anecdotes to pass the time.
*HONK* *HONK* *HONK*“I guess that’s my cue. Let's get this show on the road!”“Enjoy yourself, Kung Fu Man” Heading down from the dinky safe-house, you are greeted by a white stretch limousine. The windows roll down, and the limo's tricked out sound system speakers blasts out the bombastic opening fanfare of
Also Spach Zarathustra. The door opens slowly...billowing smoke obscures the emerging figure. Did this guy install a smoke machine into his limo? Just for that dramatic entrance? Damn, why didn’t you think of that!
The man steps forward, revealing himself to be another Colonel: an aged fella with the trademark white hair, glasses, mustache and goatee. Looks older than Colonel you just hung out with, though. Looks like an old, busted, leather boot shaped into a man. This Colonel, however, seems to be wearing an ostentatious fur lined white robe. He does a little strut towards you…
“WOOO! CRISPY! WOOO! TANGY! WOOO! HONEY MUSTARD!”He goes in your face. Your nose picks up the smell of alcohol. And then he starts talking. And pointing. And gesticulating like a mad preacher.
“IS THAT KUNG FU MAN? I SEE KUNG FU, BUT DO I SEE A MAN? DO. I. SEE. A MAN? TAKE OUT A CAMERA AND POLISH THE LENS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOW LOOKING THE MAN, THE MYTH, AND THE LEGEND ALL ROLLED INTO ONE! I HEAR YOU WANT TO BE A CHICKEN, BUT ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO BE A CHICKEN? WOOO! ARE YOU?!?”The Colonel holds up the head of a chicken costume while you ponder just how much cocaine this guy snorted in the past half hour.
“NOW I LOOK AT MY $15,000 ROLEX WATCH AND I CAN TELL THAT IN JUST A COUPLE OF HOURS, YOU GOTS A BIG DIRTY DATE WITH THAT LITTLE DIRTY BULLDOG WHO THINKS HE’S A CHEF. AND YOU! YOU THINK CAN GO YOUR OWN AND NOT RIDE WITH THE LIMOUSINE RIDIN’, JET FLYIN’, STYLIN’, PROFILIN’, KISS-STEALING, WHEELIN’ N’ DEALIN’ SON OF A GUN. THAT. WOOOO! THAT IS DISRESPECT! NOW YOU LISTEN HERE, AND YOU LISTEN GOOD. YOU WANT THIS CHICKEN HEAD? YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A CHICKEN? THEN YOU GOTTA SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT! AN EXHIBITION MATCH! OR A DRINKING CONTEST! WOOO!You realize now that this man didn’t snort cocaine. He
IS cocaine. Cocaine as a state of being. Sizing the Colonel up, you get the sense that this fella isn’t just some eccentric loon. Real recognize real, as the saying goes, and you recognize that there’s a real killer tenacity behind that bravado...
But still, that chicken head is awfully enticing...
A)
A fight, eh? I'll show you who's the Man! B)
My liver is stronger than your liver, old man. I'll drink you under the table!C)
Huh?!? What?!? I just wanted to crash Chef Man's gathering in style...D)
Something else...Health: Kung Okay!
Equipment:
White Battle Gi, Black Belt,
Blue HeadbandWallet: 190 Moolah
Items: Bag of Mail Mail-truck KeysWooden Sword Rubber Chicken Bullhorn Medieval Horn (broken):Cleaver 5 Star Beef(?) WellingtonKung Fu Special Techniques: -
Kung Fu Palm Thrust (lv1) -
Kung Fu Chop (lvl1) -
Ro-Sham-BoTraits:Path of JC (lvl1)-
Author
Topic: The Saga of Kung Fu Man! Ch.1 Wooo in the hell is this...? (Read 10585 times)