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Author Topic: ROLL TO ANCHORITE  (Read 7039 times)

0cra_tr0per

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #105 on: March 30, 2020, 02:31:29 pm »

>Find the best weapon(s) I can find, as well as more metal for reinforcing my armor. Getting some people to join me on my crusade won't hurt.
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I'm sure some probably knew, but then again the people on Bay12 tend to strike me as xCOOMers rather than XenoNUTters.
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coalboat

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #106 on: March 30, 2020, 08:39:15 pm »

FOCUS THE HOLY MICROWAVE FIELD ONTO SATAN'S WAIST AND DETONATE HIS KIDNEY STONE INTO A CLOUD OF KIDNEY STONE SHRAPNELS
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Yoink

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #107 on: March 30, 2020, 09:43:54 pm »

"...JEEEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST!"   

AFTER STARING IN DISBELIEF FOR A MOMENT, MOVE SWIFTLY INTO ACTION   
VIOLENTLY SUBDUE BLASPHEMOUS ANCHORITE WHAT HAS SEDUCED POOR INNOCENT POPE, THEN SPIRIT POOR INNOCENT POPE SAFELY AWAY TO MY CELL. GIVE OUT PATS AND/OR HEAD-SCRATCHES TO AS MANY CUTE KITTIES AS POSSIBLE ON THE WAY.   
   

"C'MON BOSS-MAN, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS A WHOLE NEW SCANDAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON OUTSIDE"   
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Booze is Life for Yoink

To deprive him of Drink is to steal divinity from God.
you need to reconsider your life
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King Zultan

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #108 on: March 31, 2020, 02:11:00 am »

Quickly start giving my potions of Ducksplosion out to anyone trying to protect the Vatican.
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The Lawyer opens a briefcase. It's full of lemons, the justice fruit only lawyers may touch.
Make sure not to step on any errant blood stains before we find our LIFE EXTINGUSHER.
but anyway, if you'll excuse me, I need to commit sebbaku.
Quote from: Leodanny
Can I have the sword when you’re done?

Devastator

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #109 on: March 31, 2020, 03:20:55 am »

Record these events for posterity as best I can.
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Avetruetotheimperator

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #110 on: March 31, 2020, 08:40:56 pm »

Yes, it is going as planned! Now, for what the fools above and bellow think is Wormwood, that comet that's supposed to come down and mess up earth...But, in actuallity, is something else. An invasive crystal-plant thing I will call...Tiberium. Let the green rocks come, and smash the vatican!
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NJW2000

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #112 on: April 03, 2020, 10:10:24 am »

Attempt to summon coins via the leftover magic being used in the battle, so I can use the vending machine
4

You summon a handful of things roughly the shape and weight of coins. You now have a food source. You are still trapped underground.



Arm and armor myself from dead Romans laying around.

Using the TIME RIFTS, go downstream in time to grab John Milton. Stick him a few centuries after the present (i.e. after whenever the main battle is taking place), so he can record the outcome. Then use the Rifts to travel to a time after he records that battle in a epic poem, and read it so I know the outcome... and thus how to defeat the Vatican's enemies.

Add my power to DEMON_NOISES plan to summon Jesus, by sending it back through the rift.

4

You manage to collect enough armour from dead human soldiers to give yourself some protection, while still evading the geese, who are mostly busy pillaging and looting.

5

You notice a time rift in a burning building, and leap into it just before the structure collapses, grabbing a large sheet of cloth to aid your passage through the time holes. Thanks to the improvised parachute, you manage to land in 1668. It's a long journey across Renaissance Europe, but you make it through unscathed, witnessing everywhere the depradations of the cruel goose clergy, goose soldiers and goose landowners on the human peasantry. Finally arriving in England, where the newly restored goose monarchy is ruling with an iron palmate. You manage to sneak into John Milton's house, and grab hold of him as he sits at his desk.

"I'm an angel, or something like that. No time to explain. Let's go."

1

Unfortunately, there are no nearby time rifts. Furthmore, the goose police are closing in on you, in the guise of plague doctors investigating a new outbreak. They don't take kindly to unauthorised time travel.


Quickly start giving my potions of Ducksplosion out to anyone trying to protect the Vatican.
4

By widely distributing the anti-duck potions among the surviving Swiss Guard and holy skeletons, you manage to completely remove the giant duck monsters from the Vatican. The potions are less effective against demons, but do explode a couple, presumably ones with duck-derived body parts.


>Find the best weapon(s) I can find, as well as more metal for reinforcing my armor. Getting some people to join me on my crusade won't hurt.
6

You prepare for the crusade thoroughly. Too thoroughly, perhaps. Ok, so you're leader of a heavily armed militia stationed in a remote farming settlement, and the government's already started asking some awkward questions.


Welcome the demons and try to find The Pope. Kill him once I've found him.
Steal The Pope's hat to unlock my true psychic potential.

5

You manage to recruit the demons to your cause. They're pretty big on the whole killing the pope idea. In fact, they're willing to follow you, after you demonstrate your ungoosely strength and psychic abilities.

1

Bizarrely, the pope is nowhere to be found: not in the papal apartments, nor the deepest of the the Swiss Guard's bunkers, nor the champagne swimming pool, nor the battlefield.


Harness the pope's holy power to enhance the lust of the felines!  The catsplosion will not be stopped, and it shall purge all the non-buddhists!  Do not allow the naked interloper to interfere!
"...JEEEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST!"   

AFTER STARING IN DISBELIEF FOR A MOMENT, MOVE SWIFTLY INTO ACTION   
VIOLENTLY SUBDUE BLASPHEMOUS ANCHORITE WHAT HAS SEDUCED POOR INNOCENT POPE, THEN SPIRIT POOR INNOCENT POPE SAFELY AWAY TO MY CELL. GIVE OUT PATS AND/OR HEAD-SCRATCHES TO AS MANY CUTE KITTIES AS POSSIBLE ON THE WAY.   
   

"C'MON BOSS-MAN, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS A WHOLE NEW SCANDAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON OUTSIDE"   
4 v 2

A tug-over-war over the Pope ensues, the upshot of which is that all three of you end up locked in a nearby anchorite's cell with several bottles of finely aged wine, a great deal of catnip, and about thirty extremely amorous stray cats.


Quote from: Satan
Satan
Yes, it is going as planned! Now, for what the fools above and bellow think is Wormwood, that comet that's supposed to come down and mess up earth...But, in actuallity, is something else. An invasive crystal-plant thing I will call...Tiberium. Let the green rocks come, and smash the vatican!
ALRIGHT TIME TO USE OUR POWER TO SUMMON OUR R3SPECTIVE VERSIONS OF JESUS.
FOCUS THE HOLY MICROWAVE FIELD ONTO SATAN'S WAIST AND DETONATE HIS KIDNEY STONE INTO A CLOUD OF KIDNEY STONE SHRAPNELS
Record these events for posterity as best I can.
A CRY FOR HELP IN TIME OF NEED, AWAIT RELIEF FROM HOLY LEAGUE
60 DAYS OF SIEGE, OUTNUMBERED AND WEAK
SENT A MESSAGE TO THE SKY, WOUNDED SOLDIERS LEFT TO DIE
WILL THEY HOLD THE WALL OR WILL THE CITY FALL


THEN THE WINGED HUSSARS ARRIVED
get the shiny flamesword and use it to kill demons
4, 4 v 3, 2, 1, 3, 2

The Vice Commander of the Swiss Guard calls for backup from anyone - the Italian army, NATO, the heavens, anyone, as demons advance on him. But no one comes. He backs away from the infernal creatures, climbing up the back of a huge duck monster corpse, surrounded completely by the ranks of evil. But just before the tentacles and claws of his demonic foes reach him, a bloodied and battered angel lands beside him, wings broken and twisted, but holding a test tube of bubbling green liquid. He gives his ally a leg up onto the roof of the papal apartments, one of the few buildings still standing, then drops the test tube. The ensuing explosion destroys the duck lord the two were standing on just a moment before, as well as wiping out most of the demons. The angel Gabriel is nowhere to be seen.

The disciple of Oolf charges for the flaming sword, but can't reach it, as demonic frogs with human legs grab and swarm over him. He goes down in a heap of pink and green flesh, still alive but struggling for air.

The Holy Anti-Catholic Fourumvirate attempts to summon the Protestant Jesus, but can't decide which translation of the gospels is the most accurate, and just ends up having an argument about ancient aramaic, with arguments put forward of wildly varying logic and coherence, all the while fending off demons with shotgun blasts.

Huddled in his cell, one anchorite scribbles away, writing an account of the terrible events occurring from his limited vantage point. Another anchorite drags his bed back and forth on the floor of his cell in an attempt to destroy Satan. The Prince of Darkness merely laughs and tosses a handful of masonry over the cell, burying the poor musician underground.

The energy shields surrounding the Vatican finally fail and disappear. High in the sky, a burning point of green appears, faint and small at first, but glowing brighter, and becoming larger, and larger, and larger...



Avetruetotheimperator has summoned the dread Duck Lords of the Quack.

CABL has summoned the Time Geese.

Angry Demon Noises has summoned the Holy Anti-Catholic Triumvirate.


The Time Geese have taken over most of Earth's history.

The Vatican is defenceless and collapsing.

Satan stalks the battlefield with his demonic armies.

A huge green comet is on course to destroy the Vatican... or possibly earth.
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I'm not around much anymore. I'll still check PMs though.

0cra_tr0per

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #113 on: April 03, 2020, 10:15:15 am »

>Find spaceship(s) with enough combined crew capacity for my entire militia, hijack them if necessary, and turn my militia into a space-faring fleet and my personal army. Fuck this shit, we're out. Earth is quite literally going to hell and back, so it's best that we fuck off at the earliest available opportunity.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2020, 10:34:23 am by 0cra_tr0per »
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Egan_BW

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #114 on: April 03, 2020, 11:26:20 am »

there is only one reasonable reaction to these events

summon the lurker in the angles
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Eschar

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #115 on: April 03, 2020, 11:44:02 am »

"Stay behind me, Milton!" Give him instructions on how to complete Operation Epilogue by himself.
Pray for the Archangel Michael to rescue me.

If Michael kills the local Time Geese, look for any equipment on their corpses I can use to create/find a closer rift. Then get to a few centuries after the main battle and continue with Operation Epilogue.

If Michael fails or doesn't show up, fend them off with my scavenged weapons. Keep Milton alive at all costs, since I've told him how he can continue the operation without me.

If all else fails, yell through the centuries for OcraTroper to come fetch myself and Milton in his new spaceships. And by yell through the centuries I mean yell loud enough that enough nearby people hear it they will likely record this strange exclamation for posterity, when OT can access it.


there is only one reasonable reaction to these events

summon the lurker in the angles


Oh no no no no no. Also century-shout for someone to counter-summon the Altered.
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"Continue struggling, laws of physics be darned."
 - NRDL
"What, are you stupid or something? Every one of the snake's bones is crushed! Its internal organs are torn apart! There is no way you can - (6) You resuscitate the snake."
- Gatleos

ANGRY_DEMON_NOISES

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #116 on: April 03, 2020, 12:24:41 pm »

NO NOT PROTESTANT JESUS, ALL THE JESUSES! BLACK JESUS, ASIAN JESUS, MORMON JESUS, SUPPLY SIDE JESUS, AND MANY OTHERS.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2020, 01:19:36 pm by ANGRY_DEMON_NOISES »
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Naturegirl1999

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #117 on: April 03, 2020, 12:43:17 pm »

If U can summon things, maybe I can teleport, too? There’s only o e way to find out
Attempt to use as much magic as needed to teleport me and the vending machine to a random country
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Eschar

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #118 on: April 03, 2020, 12:54:00 pm »

If U can summon things, maybe I can teleport, too? There’s only o e way to find out
Attempt to use as much magic as needed to teleport me and the vending machine to a random country
Why not teleport to the battlefield?
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"Continue struggling, laws of physics be darned."
 - NRDL
"What, are you stupid or something? Every one of the snake's bones is crushed! Its internal organs are torn apart! There is no way you can - (6) You resuscitate the snake."
- Gatleos

Naturegirl1999

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Re: ROLL TO ANCHORITE
« Reply #119 on: April 03, 2020, 01:00:03 pm »

If U can summon things, maybe I can teleport, too? There’s only o e way to find out
Attempt to use as much magic as needed to teleport me and the vending machine to a random country
Why not teleport to the battlefield?
I don’t know how isolated the underground cells are, I don’t think my character knows where the battle is, or if there even is a battle, but my character would know about the existence of other countries because how would she gotten here otherwise? Even if she was born in the Vatican, she would have likely heard of the Crusades, and thus would learn that other countries exist. If the cells are as deep underground as I think they are, I’m not sure she would know who is fighting in the battle. She got some magic from it, but she doesn’t know what the magic was from. And she’s a beginner, she hasn’t fought before. She doesn’t know about time rifts or time geese or thst time geese took over
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