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[Vector]

Hi all,

I want some advice from people who have been struggling with isolation during the pandemic. I've been living alone for quite a while and it feels like some part of me that used to know how to relate to other people has shattered. Months and months of being alone at home, and socially distancing from housemates even when we lived in the same building, has taken a toll. I skipped holidays; I've only been more than 5 miles from my house twice in the past year.

I had my second vaccination on Saturday and in about 10 days I'll be able to spend time with others freely again.

The problem is that I'm angry at things like not having been bubbled with or contacted by people who have known I was alone for long periods of time. People have of course stuck to their families and significant others. Even people who I've known for quite a while, where I said repeatedly "this is really destroying me" and they knew what that meant, have basically said: "Yeah, sucks for all of us."

I have a cousin in town whose address I don't even know because she doesn't want to have anything to do with me (I didn't do anything, this is just kind of who she is).

I have a therapist, I'm on anti-depressants, and I have a PTSD diagnosis from a doctor who spent about 20 years in the military. The problem is not formal support, the problem is

1. I need to end my isolation now that it is possible

2. I am too angry at the people I used to care about and love to reconnect with them

3. I wish I could reconnect with them anyway but I don't have the vocabulary to talk to them about the magnitude of the betrayal; they don't want to admit what they did and what that meant. Or they just don't care that much about me.

How do I grow to handle events like this? Please help me out, Bay. My current plan is to get a goldfish.

[nenjin]

Meet new people.

Sucks I know but it sounds like you feel bridges are being pre-emptively burnt with your other connections.

Personally, I take the view that people behave exactly how they are regardless of what they say. People invest time and energy into the things that matter to them. They create excuses for everythin else. If no one reached out to you, provided support, what have you, there's a couple ways you can process that:

1. They're struggling just as much as you are. For me, isolation is how I get a handle on life. I don't "deal" with other people around. And the last 1.5 years have basically all been about just trying to deal.

2. Maybe they've picked up on your anger and are avoiding you because of it, because they find it toxic. I myself have done this all too many times. I like my anger, especially my righteous anger, but it doesn't make me easy to hang out with. Remember: familiarity breeds contempt. I try to keep that in mind when I feel myself getting outraged at people in my friend circle.

3. You've seen the actual extent of your relationship with them when it was put to the test under duress. It's a hard realization to come to but there can be truth in it. For example, I recently moved out of my apartment with a roommate I've had for 6 years, and been friends with for over 30 years. We continued to drift further apart, saying less and less, playing fewer games together. Then I came to the realization that they've been ripping me off for years on weed, and particularly in the pandemic when his hours were reduced and the weed supply was "hit or miss" according to him. It became so flagrant that even all my other friends were like "dude you're being ripped off." Then I found demonstrable evidence of it. It really came to down to, we were friends of convenience. We have a lot of shared history and some shared interests, but the essence of our relationship was: we needed each other to save money, I needed him as a source of weed and he needed me as a source of (dishonest) secondary income.

It was a hard realization to come to and the feelings of betrayal were....really intense. I think he came home one night to hear me venting about how I felt betrayed, couldn't trust him anymore, felt like it was a repeat of the high school years where he used to take advantage of me......he's the one that opted to move out.

So sorry I don't have a lot of good advice for you. Other than, take the time for self-reflection, ask if you're being too harsh on others (which happens easier the more isolated you are. It's way easier to assume the worst and not see others as complete people when you have no outside social contact to help you get out of your own head) and if you've come to the determination that yeah, they're not true friends, then prune some contacts and look into meeting new people through circles you know will guide you to like minded people. On that front, as one of my friends put it "Say yes to everything."

[None]

Nenjin's said a lot of really good things here, tough as some of them are. It could be a case of the drowning knowing not to try to save the drowning, or perhaps a fundamental misunderstanding of how to offer the needed support. Regardless, I'm sorry you've suffered. This'd be that achy filler part to add 'we all have' as though it exonerates another from helping stay afloat.

I think it's okay to feel the way you do, or to acknowledge that this is how you feel as a consequence. I think it may also hurt your friends and loved ones if they didn't understand that the expectations of support were lopsided, assuming they could've done better but didn't know to. It's not something you may be able to mend immediately, and perhaps shouldn't, if the anger is fresh and unfiltered- if they didn't connect before, maybe you can go a little longer while that subsides.

It seems insane to ask just a little more patience having spent a year mired, but a little patience for those who did not know or were shortsighted enough not to (I think we all know a friend or a few friends that fell off the face of the planet once partnered, this is like that times ten), and for that anger to boil down a little. It is perhaps time to be proactive and meet new people.

Make sure your goldfish has a nice big tank so it doesn't grow lopsided and to be very careful about overwatering your houseplants if their pots don't drain.

[martinuzz]

Have you, during the lockdown times, ever actually invited one of them over by saying someting like "Hey, want to hang out for a bit?", without adding comments like 'this is really destroying me', or 'this lockdown really sucks', i.e., without any negative undertone?

[EuchreJack]

Is going to a bar an option?  Usually the bartenders are nice, even if nobody else is around.

Fish are great, I swear by them.

A cat or a dog are the natural comfort animals, if you don't mind taking care of them.  Not my cup of tea, but lots of people swear by them.

[Vector]

Have you, during the lockdown times, ever actually invited one of them over by saying someting like "Hey, want to hang out for a bit?", without adding comments like 'this is really destroying me', or 'this lockdown really sucks', i.e., without any negative undertone?

Yes.





I would say that the main problem here is that I contact people to see if they're OK, and they've all got partners or close friends that they're bubbling with and ~bonding~ to or are literally vacaying in Hawaii. They're flourishing in their careers! Getting promoted! blah blah blah. They have to ask how/what I'm doing, and I basically go: "Oh, you know ... same old." It doesn't matter if I'm trying to be depressing or not. I just don't have anything "Instagrammable" to share.

The problem from my side is that I don't have anything that anyone else envies under the present circumstances.


I guess what this feels like is that I'm getting the bad end of the stick in an evolving class system. I suddenly have nothing that others value. Socially, my broad (international!) professional contacts are no longer impressive; what matters is that I don't have a bubble-buddy I'm eating brunch with every week, or romantic partner, and that I can't live with my family for whatever reason. My parents don't have running water and my 92-year-old grandma doesn't have a functioning heating system. I shouldn't move in with them anyway -- they're all abusive and dysfunctional LOL. My apartment doesn't allow furry pets.

I don't have a car (can't nip away to the mountains to self-isolate in Yosemite or whatever) and no one is impressed with my pandemic fish when they all have brand-new kittens, LOL. I used to be heavily reliant on public transportation and local programs at free and reduced prices that are no longer available. I'm in my first year of remote grad school and I'm not meeting professors and doing exciting research, I'm doing Zoom class without the benefit of an academic library or study group and spent literally my entire second stimulus check on a single order of textbooks. A lot of my friends are suddenly something like wealthy and they've forgotten how, earlier in the pandemic, they were looking at being downsized at their jobs; or they were crying all day every weekend about the massive loss of life, and I was desperately trying to comfort them. The democrats are back in power and their class solidarity has vanished like an old fart.

Part of this of course is that many of my friends are teachers, so they got vaccinated early, their entire social circles are vaccinated, and they're back to working in person.


And of course, part of the reason why I'm not out globe-trotting is that I don't have the money to do it -- before this started I had just received an invitation to teach in China, which would have been a big friggin' deal for me -- but mainly because I don't want to spread disease.


Anyway, thank you all. I'll keep the thread open to keep working through this but immediate actions that suggest themselves include 1. not reaching out as often to my friends who are ~killing it~ and spending more time with the people who are being fairly reasonable during the pandemic 2. trying to find something nice for myself that I won't share with others 3. keeping a diary and maybe 4. not trying to help others who already have more resources than me, regardless of how they are feeling, since most of the people I've tried to be nice to this year have developed a case of chronic backstabbing disease.

I'm thinking something like bookbinding or origami, or writing homoerotic fanfiction about aliens (nice for myself, and definitely not going to share under my real name, LOL).


PS: My fish are named Marzipan and Nectarine. The big one (Marzipan) really likes steamed broccoli! The little one isn't as smart but his tail is bigger, so I guess that makes up for his lack of food-related intellect.

I have three snails too, who are collectively named Handsome Beloved.

[None]

One of the things a good friend of mine and I keep bouncing between us is that our nation has a cultural expectation to work and be productive without regards to or consequence for current circumstance like pandemic, mobility, or seasonality.  It feels ~wrong~ to be 'same old' when same old means 'successfully avoiding/mitigating the global pandemic in my sphere, or 'still breathing' or 'no permanent psychological trauma.' And then pshooooop your standby compatriot has new work or achieves a new milestone through the gray you commiserated though and then you get to bear the bleakness in their absence. He's got his dream job starting in a month or two, is staying with his girlfriend, and now that he doesn't need me to host him for quarantine, he's gone almost totally silent on me.

It sucks, it's rough, I sympathise. I haven't had work in a year, and while I know I'm privileged enough to float the way I have, it weighs on me that having a year's gap in employment is seen as fundamentally strange, and with regards to the compatriot, that our social connection ends when his needs are met.

One of the things I'd like to remind is that most people don't publicly share their strife. The 'instagrammable' is the highlight reel that hides the cooped-up-cohabitation fights, the nights spent in tears, the worry and dread when a family member's caught covid. It is not at all a fair metric to compare yourself against. Granted, I feel you'd probably have a closer, more human connection if you could connect on the struggles, but people are sometimes quiet about their struggles and support nets. Maybe things really are on the mend for them, and that's something to be happy about. From arm's length, perhaps, if they're not interested in lifting you up with them.

'Round these parts you're known as cognizant and compassionate and no amount of time in Hawaii would adequately replace that, and no quantity of kittens would make Marzipan and Nectarine less delightful. Marzipan's a broccoli muncher! That's terrific. I know next to nothing about having snails, but I still think that's neat! I wouldn't sneeze at snails. I have houseplants Murphy and Meryl and I chatter at them sometimes, or slow-dance with Murphy since he's got a bit more body to him than tiny succulent Meryl. Your appetite for literature is astonishing and your willingness to hear others' point of view is admirable. You can't capture that in a photo, but it's worth having pride in all the same!

[nenjin]

NGL Vector. It sounds like you have a case of the mid-life review.

And the pandemic has only made it worse. I'm not trying to be mean but you sound legitimately jealous of other people's successes: professional, financial, romantic. And you're measuring yourself against them and feeling terrible.

Stop doing that, obviously. It's not helping you and it's just building resentment against others who, by my read, have done nothing more egregious than succeeded in their personal lives.

I'm not trying to minimize your circumstances.....but it's not healthy to measure yourself against others and then blame them for doing well when you're not pleased with your own life.

I would say that the main problem here is that I contact people to see if they're OK, and they've all got partners or close friends that they're bubbling with and ~bonding~ to or are literally vacaying in Hawaii. They're flourishing in their careers! Getting promoted! blah blah blah. They have to ask how/what I'm doing, and I basically go: "Oh, you know ... same old." It doesn't matter if I'm trying to be depressing or not. I just don't have anything "Instagrammable" to share.

This sentence pretty much encapsulates it. It sounds like you have a need to compete in the social space (instagrammable, likes, followers, acknowledgement, envy, etc....) while acting as though it doesn't matter to you. Can you really be jealous of the fact others have bonded relationships if you're not trying to find one yourself?

I can empathize with all these things. A friend's brother-in-law is a investment consultant. Has a nice big house. Just bought a lake house where the fam goes and spends weekends. I feel the seeds of jealousy occasionally that I live in a one bedroom apartment and my savings don't even break 5 figures. But then I stop and go "who are you really looking to blame here? Him for doing what he does....or yourself for never pursuing such things now that you're officially middle-aged?" Same story with relationships. When I feel myself getting jealous that some people have stable, happy relationships and I don't, I remind myself that I haven't gone out of my way to be in a relationship. I don't go to bars looking to meet people, strike up conversations with random strangers looking to make friends, or take the leap and just ask people out. I have things the way I've built them. The honest thing to do would be to admit to regret and change if I want to change.....the dishonest thing is to find reasons why other people are assholes for living their lives.

[Vector]

EDIT:ing for calm vibes.

I don't have any social media at all, I think you've misunderstood something.

I'm 31 and I live alone, not by my own choice. Before the pandemic I was one of 9 people. It's been about 7 months now. All of my housemates moved out to be with their families because they were college kids and too depressed to stay here where they couldn't hang out with friends. With the local rental market, I haven't been able to get new people to stay with yet. Throughout the pandemic I have texted friends, made check-in calls, sent like a dozen care packages; commiserated; kept in touch with people who had autoimmune disorders that can't even leave the house; and fed some homeless people at the beginning of this thing when all of the food pantries were closed.

I'm angry because I was there for people when they needed me; and I sacrificed. Money, time, emotional energy, all towards the concept of creating or continuing those bonded relationships in a difficult time. The vaccine rolled out and suddenly everything was on hold until we got shots. Fine; I waited.

I wouldn't normally object if people just didn't want to spend time together. Who cares? But I feel, personally, that if you know a friend has been alone for 7 months, and you say "when I get vaccinated I'll come visit you, it's just a little longer," and instead you get two kittens and are back to bragging about how nice your life is instead, that demonstrates a lack of empathy. Where the frustration about not being able to go to ~Hawaii~ or ~not having kittens~ comes in is that I don't have anything on hand to increase my status and sweeten the pot. It's like if you want people to look better at you and can't afford clothes that don't have holes in them, regardless of how you view your own personal dignity. I am proud of what I've done with my life. I've lived a good life, an honorable life, and I've gotten a lot done. But right now, I was told it was

vaccine -> social life

and instead, when I interact with many of my friends and they ask what I'm doing, they kinda go "Oh."

I would've preferred that people just told me to go fuck myself in the first place. I would've put my energy elsewhere: you know, go off and live my own life. Let them handle their own problems. Stop being the fall guy. Stop running around trying to make sure that everyone's got what they need.

One of my friends literally stopped playing board games with me online once I won a game, LOL. He was good with winning 7 in a row but with me winning all of once he was done. The man's a veteran ... you'd think he could deal ...


(You're also projecting on me LOL, I stopped dating for a few years after I was raped and decided to focus on professional success instead, but have been working on it these past two years. It surely isn't that I've been failing to put in enough time and energy. I'm just not very successful!

Could be that I'm just unlikable and incompetent, but if we have to rely on that assumption, let's classify it as an ad hominem. I don't believe in a world where my problems are insurmountable.)


When the public libraries or bars or indoor dining or local museums or literally anywhere I can go to be out of the house opens up again, I'm sure I'll revisit this and laugh. But right now, it feels like not only has the pandemic wiped out all of the professional progress I've made in the past few years, it's also destroyed the loose sociality I worked so hard to cultivate with so many friends. I can't leave this town fast enough.

I went to the post office this week to get a PO Box so I can write to prisoners without divulging my address, but they won't give it to me because I don't have a lease, mortgage, or car registration papers to show them. I can't volunteer with the humane society. I'll keep looking for things that I can do, but this isn't sour grapes because I didn't try hard enough. Just gotta be stronger >:[

[nenjin]

Sorry, didn't mean to project on you. I only have what you write to go on.

FWIW, on social media, many people talk about "I have to learn how to people again." We've all just lived the "keep your head down, make sure you can pay your bills, try not to go crazy." People cope with that in a variety of ways. I personally took it as an opportunity to isolate because I'm already an introvert, so the pandemic was like "Now I don't have to feel guilty about saying no."

Others deal with it by buying shit. New pets. Take vacations. Brag on social media for clout so they get that endorphin boost of people going "Oh gosh your life looks amazing." As mentioned above, it's mostly a smoke screen.

But it does sound like you gave and it wasn't reciprocated. Among my friends, we talk a lot about "unspecified reciprocity." i.e, I buy you lunch. I'm not keeping tabs on how much lunch I've bought you. I just know, at some point, you will reciprocate. But we put that up front so everyone understands that, when I do something nice or for the sake of convenience, I'm not holding it against an account.  (Many times people have been like "dude you bought me coffee 3 days last week, I'm getting your's" because I literally do not give a fuck about it.)

I would've preferred that people just told me to go fuck myself in the first place.

This sounds like where you're taking it personally, and with good reason. But most often people are not going to tell you to go fuck yourself because you didn't earn that; instead they will sponge up generosity without realizing it needs to flow the other direction. Perhaps because in their mind, you're not actually that close. Reminds me of a coworker I have who is, unfortunately, universally disliked around the office for various things she does or doesn't do. Yet she gives presents to everyone unasked for as a way to ingratiate herself to them. I'm not saying that describes you at all.....but in her case, she's also trying to 'sweeten the pot' on social interaction.

(You're also projecting on me LOL, I stopped dating for a few years after I was raped and decided to focus on professional success instead, but have been working on it these past two years. It surely isn't that I've been failing to put in enough time and energy. I'm just not very successful!

Could be that I'm just unlikable and incompetent, but if we have to rely on that assumption, let's classify it as an ad hominem. I don't believe in a world where my problems are insurmountable.)

Sorry, this is clearly a sore spot. I don't know you, what you've done or not done. So that probably wasn't a good tact to take on my part. But the way you came at talking about relationships, it seemed plausible.

I'll keep looking for things that I can do, but this isn't sour grapes because I didn't try hard enough. Just gotta be stronger >:[

It's fair. I think it's always worth, again, the self-examination to ask if you have done everything you think you can or should to improve your situation. Many people fall prey to self-pity and when you dig a little beneath the surface lots of things come up.

But yeah, in general it sounds like the social connections you built were looser than you thought, and when tested many true friends turned out to be less.

[Vector]

Hey ... thank you. At the very least, I can see how I was coming off, and I imagine that some of my friends are making assumptions along the same lines that you were. I need to not come off like I was, so, sincerely, thank you.

And I really appreciate your passing on what people are saying on social media. I can understand another dimension of the situation: maybe a lot of my friends are getting sympathy/or discussing their situations by broadcasting through posts, not through direct interaction. So maybe they don't want to talk about things, or hear about things in a way where they feel like they're obligated to respond. Or more specifically, I could be speaking a language that isn't being received.

I mean, or they could just hate me forever and ever amen, but the much more likely thing is that I remembered when they were being vaccinated and that promise like it was etched in my memory because I'm barely make it, and they didn't etch it in stone like that because they're distracted, unhappy, and also don't have the same cultural expectations about watching what you say and avoiding making others jealous.

. . . . Yep. Probably that last piece.


Update: The little fish has also learned to eat broccoli! I'm so proud of him!

They keep on sucking rocks in their mouths, gumming them, and then spitting them out with force. Very cute.

[nenjin]

They're sucking up the algae and bits of food that collect on the rocks.

I think at times like these it's always a good idea to ask what you personally get out of a relationship, and how much you're getting is worth to you.

I just actually spoke with a (very attractive) coworker who was telling me about a new guy she'd met at her apartment that she, toward the end of the night, got some bad vibes from. So I asked her "Well, what are you getting out of it?"

"Well he's fun and energetic and he gets me free drinks."

"And how much is that worth to you?"

"Well I like the fun he has but....the drinks are kinda meh."

"And you see what the drinks are for."

"Yeah."

"Think you'll hang out with him again?"

"You know......probably not."

Probably wasn't telling her anything she hadn't already intuited, but it's a useful thought exercise. Identify what people in your life bring to your life and actually put a value on that, to weigh on the other side of the scale against things like: violating your expectations or the code of friendship, personality quirks or traits or habits that you don't like. I don't mean to go full Keynesian on your relationships but when push comes to shove, you'll have to. I had to with my roommate, and tbh, very attractive coworker who were it not for her current boyfriend we actually might be dating, but who is also trouble with a capital T. (See the WTF thread circa 4 weeks ago if you honestly care to know more.) I've had to stop, look at all the stuff I dislike about this chick after knowing her about 2 months in a mostly work capacity, against what I think she currently brings to my life, and ask "is it worth deepening my connection to her?"

(And if I'm being really honest, I've had to take a hard look at relationships I've maintained almost since grade school, in light of average every day developments in a relationship, to the era of Trump, and then the pandemic. I've had to legitimately ask myself if a friend of 30+ years that I cherish has crossed too many lines or changed too fundamentally for it to be worth the anger and hurt and distrust they can occasionally cause.)

Anyways, I don't fight for things where I have to convince someone else of my worth. Fuck that. If they don't see it I won't beg them to. No one should do that. So I personally don't think you should either with your friends you went out of your way to maintain the connection and it wasn't reciprocated. But that math is on you, and we all know you're good at that.

[nautilu]

To OP,
I just watched a video of two real life brothers getting arrested in Las Vegas for breaking a store window. The police sent them to jail separately, to await trial. They were charged with felony burglary. For a week, the older brother became so angry that his little brother got him into that mess. He knew his brother was guilty and he was in jail only for trying to protect him. When they went to trial he was so hateful he was ready to strangle his brother, but when they saw each other they just laughed and he knew he could never hate him.

So the moral of the story is don't let the hate become a monster in your head, let it go when you see your friends and family in person and see how you feel from there.

[EuchreJack]

To OP,
I just watched a video of two real life brothers getting arrested in Las Vegas for breaking a store window. The police sent them to jail separately, to await trial. They were charged with felony burglary. For a week, the older brother became so angry that his little brother got him into that mess. He knew his brother was guilty and he was in jail only for trying to protect him. When they went to trial he was so hateful he was ready to strangle his brother, but when they saw each other they just laughed and he knew he could never hate him.

So the moral of the story is don't let the hate become a monster in your head, let it go when you see your friends and family in person and see how you feel from there.

Or don't break store windows.  That is also a good moral.  Also, felony burglary is redundant: Burglary IS a felony, generally speaking.
Without watching the videos, I'm just going to guess that at least one brother wasn't white.  Totally overcharged.

Back to Vector: Glad your fish are doing well.  As for "friends", remember the old adage "you attract more flies with honey than vinegar".  AKA, you gotta be really nice and tolerant with anyone that you want to connect.  Forgive without telling them they ever did anything wrong, real or imagined, and they'll love you.  Experienced that today myself in meatworld.
Also, sounds like you've been a bit under the weather lately.  That will ruin anyone's mood, so hope you're able to get that figured out.

[Vector]

Yes, from bunches of hair falling out to that three months when I suddenly lost 20 lbs to eczema in weird places to fainting spells, this has been a bad year for old Vector. Funny how rapidly stress can destroy a person's health.

Anyway, I'm signing a lease on a place and moving cities, so this is going to all be a moot point soon anyway.


I didn't really reply to this thread because, I don't know, my feelings have changed. The rage has died down and now I can simply recognize that things aren't going to go back to how they were and most of my relationships have, at the least, been severely damaged, including with blood relatives who have been driving through town and not bothering to visit.

I'm aware that my resentment won't cure anything. But no matter how much I try to just let it go, I can't yet. I think that I have something to learn from it. The pain from the past year has to press us to change.