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[e_i_pi]

Zoza Xestsu - a land known for it's endless snow, high death rate, and insurmountable scrabble scores.  A sea sprawls between the two main continents, a large snow-covered land to the north, and a blistering elven dump to the southeast.  Three mountain regions dot the landscape, two on the main continent and one on the south.  The humans have braved the harsh climate far more than the elves or dwarves, founding empires on the fringes of the arctic regions, and in the heavily tainted areas of undead.  The dwarves dot themselves wherever they can trade with the humans.  The elves are in exile due to their backwards attitude regarding bone amulets.

We begin our tales with a quaint story from the icy region of Ariiyaneelana, "The Euphoric Dignified Prairie", or, as the rest of the world knows it "Where We Chuck All Our Spare Vowels".

The Tale of Gruff Anbacani

His father named him Gruff, his friends called him Gruff, and his enemies - well they never got introduced.  No-one ever knew his last name.  No-one - until now.  Gruff certainly did complain bitterly about filling in the application form for "Local Mercenary", but the mayor was adamant...

"No application form, no quests!"

Begrudgingly, Gruff filled out his full name.  He knew the propensity of vowels worked against him - Ariiyaneelana had come last in every international scrabble tournament since its inception, and the mayor was working hard to weed out "those with inferior surnames".  But his visage, along with his Iron Halberd and Iron Shield worked in his favour.

The mayor perused the form: first name - check, last name - a hearty guffaw.

M: "Anbacani?  Anbacani?!  Hawhawhaw, you're kidding me right?!"
G: "Just - look - quests, give me quests, I haven't got time for this"
M: "Nac, come have a look at this, you gotta see this man"
N: "What's up chief?  Gruff Anbacani, well that's a stout name, I don't see any prob-... wait.  My Xestsuian is a little rusty, that does mean..."
G: "Yes, now just give me my quest will you"
N: "Could you smile for me?"
M: "Yeah go on smile.  Hahahahaha!"

Gruff held his head in his hands.  The moment had come.  The moment of truth.  Well, he thought, I had better do this right if I'm going to do it at all.  He held his grizzled and hairy face high, and drew back his lips into a wrought smile.

Nac, the mayor's offsider gasped - the mayor swooned.

M: "It is true!  You live up to your name, Gruff Girlsmile!"

Gruff blushed.  He hadn't had attention like this for years.

M: "But your name is still a laugh a minute.  Girlsmile hawhawhaw!  Nac - post bills around town announcing our new mercenary, and don't leave out the Girlsmile part hahaha"
G: "Mayor, I object"
M: "Objection overruled.  Nac, hop to it"
G: "Look, I don't see why I should be singled out as the laughing stock of the town.  I mean, what's your name for crying out loud"
M: "Bewa Fortressworker.  My dad was a fortress worker, and his dad before him.  We are a proud line of fortress workers - that's why I'm mayor"
N: "That's right Gruff.  The mayor has a noble and regal name, not like Girlsmiles hahahaha."

Gruff grimaced, but was determined to allay his embarrasment...

G: "Well what's your name Nac.  Probably Pansypants or some such"
N: "Flashquill.  My name's Flashquill, that's why I'm the town scribe."

Gruff moaned, but he knew how to get his way.  He bore his pearly whites - oh they were pearly - they lit up the room like lanterns.  The mayors legs wobbled.

M: "Uh yes, um... okay the task at hand.  Well, I'm speaking on behalf of The Basic Insightful Councils..."
G: "The what?!"
M: "One word Gruff.... Girlsmile"

The drunks sprawled around the room erupted into laughter.  Gruff was going to have to prove his worth with more than simple grins.

M: "We have an ongoing problem with the kobold Srodrukin.  He's holed up in Singlescar, and has been harassing our trade caravans for months.  We need him dealt with pronto."
G: "Singlescar, I've not heard of it"
M: "It's to the northwest, about half a days travel.  You may know it better as The Invisible Persuasive Deeps of Famine"
G: "The...?!!"
M: "Girlsmile, Gruff, Girlsmile.  Now on your way you rugged beast of beauty"

Gruff boggled.  The midnight sun must be getting to these folk he thought.  Just as he was about to leave, the mayor called out to him.

M: "Gruff, take Ibu with you.  You two will make a great pair"
I: "You've hated me from day one Bewa"
M: "That's not true JM"
I: "... oh for crying out loud"
G: "JM?"
M: "Jokemunched... I put him on as jester, his jokes were retarded, I changed his surname to Jokemunched.  Now the jokes on him"
I: "You're a dead man"
M: "Ah, now now JM, off to your deat... journey.  Chop chop"

Gruff grabbed Ibu by the scruff and hauled him out.  The last thing he needed was a murderous rampage through town - he'd save that til later.  Right now there was a kobold standing between himself and his destiny...

[e_i_pi]

It was indeed half a days walk to Singlescar.  The mayor forgot to mention it was half a day's walk during the midnight sun.  Gruff and Ibu had aged a good 6 months by the time they reached their destination.  But when they got there, they knew their task:

G: "Okay, let's find this Babrinar"
I: "Uh, his name is Srodrukin boss.  I know that and I'm a drunk"
G: "I know you're a drunk Ibu, that's why there's a trail of vomit from town to where we are now"
I: "That's so we can find our way back"

Gruff shook his head and wondered what he had gotten himself into.  Beckoning Ibu to follow, he led them round a steep bluff and towards the cave.  Ibu stumbled various times in the dark, muttering to himself, and occasionally cursing the mayor, the dark, and the lack of hard spirits.

I: "How on earth is it night time?  Didn't we leave in summer?"
G: "And we got here in winter... half a days walk... that's what you get for listening to Mayor Gober"
I: "Bewa"
G: "Beware what?"
I: "No, his name is Bewa"
G: "Look I don't care what his..."

A blood-curdling hiss echoed through the desolate landscape.  Ibu jumped.

I: "What the hell was that?!?!"
G: "I'll use my power of premonition... it is... thinking... mmm...
I: "Hurry up"
G: "Shut up Ibu.... it was... a.... snakeman falling into a deep chasm!"
I: "You're full of sh..."
G: "Quiet, we're nearly there"

Gruff led them through the darkness, up a gentle incline and past some stone walls filled with gems.

I: "Crikey!  Let's get those!"
G: "We don't have a shovel"
I: "What the... why don't we have a shovel"
G: "We're mercenaries for crying out loud, not miners.  Pray to Toady if you want a shovel.  Or console yourslef with this cow bone bracelet"
I: "Where on earth did that come from?!"
G: "The ground.  Jeez Ibu, get with the program"

Gruff went to hand Ibu the bracelet, but Ibu had already charged off down the slope, to the north.

G: "Ibu, it's east mate.  What the hell is your problem?"
I: "COINS!  Wheeeee!!!!!"

Gruff went to snatch up the coins that Ibu had found.  No point this drunk wasting them on ale - they could be wasted on other things instead.  Other things - for Gruff.

I: "I hate you"

Gruff flashed his gorgeous chompers - the wounds were mended in an instant.  But before he could grab the money, Ibu let out a battle cry - well, it was more like a drunken outburst, but beggars can't be choosers in this bleak hostile landscape.

Kobold guards had emerged from their hiding spot, cackling to themselves.

"K1: I told you it would work!  They have stuff!  Woooooo!!!"
"K2: Well it's about time.  Those coins have been there for 5 years, and this is the first group of halfwits to stumble across them and into our trap"

Ibu began punching the first kobold guard, mostly in his spine, then Gruff joined in hacking at his hands and feet.  The kobold yelped in pain, his friend still a ways off.  Gruff finished him, slicing through his torso and sending his leg-hip-bum part flying.

K2: "DROBRIDIS!!! NOOOOOO!"

Tugulupaldin, the kobold guard, had lost his only friend.  The friend that had led him to believe that setting an ambush that was stumbled into 5 years later was a good idea.  Tugul still thought it was a good idea, mostly because his natural kobold defense mechanism - of becoming suicidally stupid when outnumbered - had kicked in.

Ibu punched his legs as Gruff worked his upper body.  Gruff was impressed at the gusto with which Ibu flailed in a drunken fashion, and the effectiveness.

G: "You do well Ibu"
I: "This is fun!!"
G: "It is!  Let's drag it out, hell knows when we'll run into the next kobold."

Tugul moaned in pain as Gruff and Ibu went about the process of dismantling his extremeties, limbs, organs, and spine.  Gruff and Ibu smiled widely at each other as they hacked Tugul to bits, covering themselves in green sticky kobold ooze.  Once they had finished, 8 minutes later, they dusted themselves off, and headed towards the cave.  But in a matter of moments, the party was over.

Ibu charged off into the distance before Gruff could stop him.  A howl of pain rang through the valley, and Gruff knew Ibu had met a dire fate.  When he finally broke through the dark undergrowth, he found Ibu on the ground, a kobold standing over him twisting a spear into his chest.

G: "Um, are you alright?"

Ibu cried out:

I: "You fool!  Argh help me!!!"

Gruff shook his head, knowing the drunk had met his match.  At least he was too smashed to feel the real pain, of the other kobold stabbing into his spine.  Or maybe he was simply paraplegic.  In any case, Gruff waded in, Halberd swinging.  Kobold parts flew everywhere - it was a sight to behold.  Within minutes, Gruff had rendered countless kobolds into a pile of bits.  He marvelled at his work.  Unfortunately though, he couldn't tell which bits were Ibu and which were kobold.

Confused, Gruff gathered up what he could, copper shields, copper spears, bloody stumps, and made haste back to town to explain this to the mayor.

[ January 30, 2008: Message edited by: e_i_pi ]

[e_i_pi]

When Gruff got back to town, he ran straight to the mayors office.  The mayor and his cronies were all standing against the wall in an orderly line.

G: "What's going on"
M: "We're all in trouble, we must face the wall"
G: "..."
M: "Ok, that's enough boys, you're forgiven"

Gruff, confused, almost forgot about the task at hand.

G: "Uh, mayor, Ibu is... well... there were kobolds, and it seems you forgot to mention how many there were"
M: "Oh yes.  Gruff, there is a veritable horde of kobolds in Singlescar.  Hundreds I believe, and they are well armed, and well organised."
G: "Yes, I know, you see..."
M: "Now go kill Srodrukin.  It's been nearly 15 months since I told you, why are you standing around?"
G: "We... I... look *sigh* Ibu is dead"

The mayor rejoiced and opened a bottle of 100 year old port.

M: "Drinks all round!  WooooOOOOO!!!"
G: "Is this appropriate?"

The drunks growled at Gruff, feeling threatened by his sanity.  Gruff groaned, and addressed the mayor.

G: "Look, I'm going to need more than a single drunk to help me clear this place out.  It's crawling with kobolds"
M: "Alright alright, take Dik and Oce with you"
G: "Take what?!  Are you insulting me?!"
M: "No, these guys.  They're fine stout warriors.  Nac will stay here with me to finish the port"
G: "Look, when I said I need more than a single drunk, I didn't mean two drunks"

The mayor took a long slog of the port and handed it to Nac, oblivious to the orders he had just given.  Gruff sighed, motioned for the drunks to follow, and they set off once more for Singlescar...

[ January 30, 2008: Message edited by: e_i_pi ]

[e_i_pi]

Gruff, experienced from the first onslaught, took wise precuations this time round.  Taking shortcuts, he led the group there in a matter of hours, long enough for them to sober up, not long enough for them to realise they were sober.  They arrived in the daylight, and Gruff briefed Dik and Oce on the plan.

G: "Okay, we have a settlement of kobolds ahead.  There are dozens of them, we must be on our guard, stick close, and watch each others backs."
D: "Do they have ale?"
O: "Yeah, what drinks do they have?  They better not be expensive"
G: "They're kobolds, I don't think they'll serve us alcohol"
D: "You said we were going to a nightclub"
G: "I said we were going to an infested hole where we're likely to get into some major trouble"
D: "Yeah, a nightclub"

Gruff shook his head.

O: "Look, do they have drinks or not?"
G: "Oce, for crying out loud, Ibu's drunkedness got him killed, can you give it a rest?"
O: "DRINKS!  DO - THEY - HAVE - THEM???!!"

Gruff contemplated the situation.  He wondered if he was going mad, but snapped out of it, and took control of the situation.

G: "Yes, they have drinks.  Srodrukin has them, we must get them off him"

This was a dire mistake on Gruffs part.

D: "CHARGE!!!!"
G: "No wait, the plan.... we have to..."
D: "YARRRRR!!!!"
G: "You really are a Dik.  Okay, Oce, we'll let him soften them up, the plan is..."
O: "Systems online - meatshields activated -"
G: "Have you been smoking?"
O: "Right fist charged - left fist charged - target acquired - engaging enemy"

Gruff boggled at the situation, but realised the only way to survive was to wade in with them.

Dik grappled with a kobold, and Gruff circled round, piercing the kobolds spleen.  The result was a spattering of vomit on all involved.  Oce had charged in the wrong direction - Gruff only imagined what state he'd be in.  Kobolds were charging in from all sides - Gruff swung his halberd, decapitating the latest to join the party. The first kobold continued vomiting.  A snakeman fell into a deep chasm.  Chaos fell all around!

Once the first wave had been dealt with, Gruff led the trio over the rise.  Dik charged past, flailing wildly at an oncoming kobold, breaking his hand.  The fight was messy, so Gruff ended it with by lopping the kobolds head off.  Dik seemed not to notice, continuing to throw the kobold round.  Dik was in a bad shape, but strangely he didn't seem to care.  The sobriety had afflicted him with suicidal tendencies, and Gruff, confused by the situation, looked around for Oce.  Heaven knows where he went, but the cries of the unfortunate kobold reassured Gruff that Oce was on the winning side.

Meanwhile, Dik had spotted another guard, and was pacing towards him - Gruff kept up as best he could.  Dik charged forward, but several kobolds came to the guards rescue - Dik was soon despatched, his heart and lungs splattered over his open sternum.  Gruff leaped over the pile of... well... pile of Dik... and sent his murderer flying.

Spotting a kobold with a name that could rival all other scrabble players in the world, Gruff charged forward.  The kobold pelted him with loam... or faeces... Gruff was in such a state he didn't care - he called it loam, it sounds better in the telling.  Before he could reach "High Score" (his pet name for the kobold) he was struck by a spear.  Gruff hollered in pain, and felt grim about the scenario.  Then, a miracle...

Zombie marmots.  Who knows where they came from, but they gave Gruff a tip of the hat, and engaged the kobolds.  Gruff heard words echoed in his mind...

ZM: Grufff.... grufff.... of the beautiful smile.... we have come to help you
G: You are marmots.  Dead marmots.  You sure you can help?
ZM: yesss.... come with us.... we are here to escort you to the next world...
G: But you don't understand.  I'm not d...

A volley of arrows flew into Gruff.  Who knows what failed first... his heart, his lungs, his brain.  All were laying on the ground before him.  In fact, his body was laying on the ground before him.  But just before Gruff had succumbed to the attacks of the kobolds, he let out a single blood-curdling cry...

G: "BEEEEWAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!"

So ends the tale of Gruff Anbacani.

[Kagus]

Well, that was fast.  Anything else up your sleeve?

[e_i_pi]

Our next tale hearkens from the land of Dur Rere, the Western realm, nestled between the forest and the tundra, and hugged by mountains to the east.  The land is cold, but forgiving, with plains smattered here and there, and rivers aplenty.  We follow the life of a brave young lass, a lass with a mission...

The tale of Sigyn Etruramkal "Earthenlashes"

Sigyn, the daughter of a landed knight, had bold ambitions from an early age.  She knew her father would never let her be anything but a seamstress, but she yearned for adventure and journey.  During her youth, she was courted by a young guard, who taught her the ways of the bow.  She had learned well, and when she came of age, she struck out into the world for fame and fortune.

Knowing her name would proceed her, she journeyed west to a realm known as Dur Rere, where they spoke a language similar to hers.  Yet she knew they would not have heard of her famous father.  She promptly met the mayor of a local village, and introduced herself:

S: I am Sigyn Earthenlashes, at your service sir.
M: Nice... we have a lovely set of stairs just behind me... ascend them, and you'll find your work there.
S: With all due respect mi'lord, I am an adventurer.
M: You'll find plenty of adventure upstairs you saucy little pumpkin.
S: No, I mean...
M: Oh alright, I get it... adventure, killing, slaughter, yes yes... never a break for me *sigh*.  Okay, well if you want to go get some scars, which admittedly I find raunchy, you can go, um...
S: Mi'lord?
M: NITHPA - WHERE CAN WE SEND THIS WENCH?
Mi: *hic* UPSTAIRS!
M: Nithpa there's no need to yell, I'm standing right beside you.
Mi: YOU'RE THE ONE YELLING
S: Uh mi'lord?
M: Oh, yes... let me get my book.

The mayor pushed aside the pile of empty wine bottles that cluttered his desk and grabbed a ledger.

M: Uh, yeah, just go... I dunno... southwest... there should be something there.
S: Mi'lord, they're pretty vague directions.  Is there any reason I'm going there?
M: Cos you refuse to go upstairs.  Now sashee out with those fine legs of yours girly.  And bring back some wine.
S: So my first task is to bring wine?
M: No, your first task is to go upstairs.

Sigyn sighed.  The mayor had taken a chauvanistic liking to her, and so had his sidekicks by the looks.

S: Will you escort me, fine sirs, to the winery?
Cadi: Phwoar you betcha.
Lar: Too right!
S: And what are your names?
L: Well, I'm Crusheddaubed, and this here is Stabbedmurders.
S: Uh mayor...
M: Oh I'm no mayor...

Sigyn looked around the room.  Pirate flags were draped on the walls, and cutlasses lay on the ground.  A point she had sadly neglected when walking in.

S: You're pirates?
M: YAR!
S: I didn't see a ship on the way in.
M: YAR!
S: In fact I didn't see an ocean either
M: Upstairs or outside, your choice. YAR!
S: I'll take the latter.

So Sigyn journeyed off into the wilds with a pair of sozzled ruffians, who often pinched her tush, and whistled at her youth.

[e_i_pi]

To be continued!  In 2 days... sadly I am finished my shift and have tomorrow off.  If I get time, I shall update Sigyn's adventures soon.

[ January 29, 2008: Message edited by: e_i_pi ]

[Armok]

Another awesome story!  

How many awesome ideas can there actually be to get?

[Torak]

It'd be better if you'd put conversations into actual writing format. Other than that, nice story.

[e_i_pi]

After a short journey through grassy plains, Sigyn and her companions reached a lightly forested slope.  There were no signs of a winery - no vineyards, no stills, no people.  Just trees and grass.

S: Where is this winery?
C: The winery's north of here, about 3 days travel.
S: But we've been travelling south.
C: Aye
S: Shouldn't we travel north?
C: After we commit a few murders, aye.
S: Murders?!
C: Well, see, the town is broke.  So we needs to get money to buy the wine.
S: How much does the wine cost?
C: Nothing.  We steal it.

Unused to this ruffian attitude towards life, well, other peoples lives, Sigyn knew she was in for a rocky ride.  Would she ever fit in with these folk?  Would she live longer than the end of the day?  Only time would tell, and that time would have to be spent killing.  Oh well, she thought, better commiting murder than weaving cloth.

Night had fallen quickly, making it hard for the trio to proceed through the undergrowth.  As Sigyn brushed aside some drooping branches, bats scattered from the nearby trees and flapped about her head.  Cadi, ever aware of danger, grabbed a bat by the wings.

C: Yahar!  I got me one!
S: Cadi, you don't need that.
C: Alright milady, here ye go.

Cadi promptly stuffed the bat in Sigyn's backpack much to her chagrin.

S: Get that out of there now!  Ow, its flapping!
C: Nar, we'll sell it to the merchant.  He buys anything!

Sigyn did her best to supress the bat, but it kept flapping.  Looking around, she found a dress, and stuffed that on top of the bat.  Then, looking further, she found some more clothes.

S: Lar, where are you?  You better not be running naked through the trees.

Lar was nowhere to be found.

C: I'll go find him milady, he's probably off burning things again.

Sigyn sighed, and proceeded through the scrub.  Pushing past long grasses she found some more clothes.  There seemed to be clothes everywhere - togas, trousers, left gloves.  And blood.  There seemed to be a lot of blood, especially near a hollow in the ground.

S: "CADI!  LAR!  OVER HERE!"

Cadi and Lar didn't respond.  Sigyn had no idea where they had gone, but decided to venture in by herself.  Maybe if she found riches, she could have them all to herself, and ditch these two for some more reputable companions.  Stepping into the darkness, she found a cave, with damp tunnels leading further underground.

Hugging the left hand wall, she proceeded into the darkness.  The air was clammy and smelt of mould - and something else, something acrid, something like crushed ants.  Sigyn strung her bow, and nocked an arrow...

[ February 01, 2008: Message edited by: e_i_pi ]

[JoRo]

Awesome stories are awesome.  Excellent stuff, though normally structured conversations would make it a bit easier to parse.