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[Schmaven]

I didn't see any thread already in existence devoted to artifacts that just make you shake your head.  So this is such a thread.

Lolor Ingisharak just created "Lärimmubun Mattislam, 'Neopracticed the Bent Dessert' a chicken leather thong...  All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality.  It is encrusted with oval schist cabochons, oval cut red zircons and oval gneiss cabochons and encircled with bands of round gneiss cabochons, dingo leather, steel, and bayberry wood.  This object menaces with spikes of chicken leather, dingo leather and gneiss."
Value: 72,600 Urists, Weight: <1 Urist

I suppose assigning that to the hammerer would increase the shame criminals must experience - to be beaten by someone wearing a chicken leather thong...

Edit: I don't see why non-ridicuous artifacts should be excluded.  A steel battle axe menacing with spikes of steel named "the Viper of Flames" for example, is damn cool!

[Thisfox]

I as an Australian was very bewildered by the fact that thongs didn't come in pairs, when other footwear did come in pairs (unless it was an artifact, artifact boots are made singly). And it took me some time to find out that they weren't in fact worn on the dwarfs feet. American is not always the same language as English.

I've had a fort in which two different dorfs mooded two different boots. One was copper, a high boot, studded with very cheap but decorative gems. I think the other was a low leather-and-bone boot decorated with wood. I did not attempt to have one captain of the guard wear both boots, but he would have looked a picture stomping lopsidedly around.

And my favourite was the rose quartz goblet one dwarf mooded, which he decorated and set loose in my fort. It wandered from one part of the fort to the other (My cup storage areas are binless, so you can see the colours of the cups) and I enjoyed watching it more than I enjoyed watching my dwarfs wander around. I do also love "The Failed Cat", a large yellow gemstone which evidently didn't turn out how the dwarf intended.  A leather dress one overenthusiastic moody dwarf studded with spikes of metal (ouch!) did make me think of a Madonna outfit. Might match up with the underwear your Lolor made.

[HMD Majesty]

We do not recall the Name, but We once got a Toy Axe which menaced with Spikes.

More recently, one of Our Dwarfs created a Spear with three Images of itself on itself, along with some Goblin being killed by a Minotaur and a random brush Titan.

Oh, and one of the very first Artifacts We ever got was a Bed made of Steel.  We still aren't sure how it was supposed to function.

[Magmacube_tr]

A cage made of raw green zircon and nothing else.

[klefenz]

I dont remember my terrible artifacts, but I remember the best one I ever got.
"Shovedfences, the Viper of Flames. This is a steel battle axe. All craftdwarfship is of the highes quality. It menaces with spikes of steel."

[Maloy]

Basically anytime I get a useless artifact like a bracelet or anything I don't even finish reading the description anymore

Immediately categorize it to sell to the next caravan "We respect that this is no mere trade" Yeah sure guy, now give me those dogs and all your metal

[Mobbstar]

Kasithduz, "Prowlsmeared", a singular sheer pig tail sandal, with a band of pig tail cloth.  In other words, a rag of cloth with a strap.

But since "ridiculous" doesn't imply "worthless", here's a valuable and no less mindboggling artifact:

Nicatudesh, "Chainedskin", a native gold throne padded with pig tail and menacing spikes of blue garnet.  On the item is a native gold image of Ruthöshtoral, "The Distant Laws", a native gold throne padded with cave spider silk and menacing spikes of native gold.  On the item is a blue garnet image of...

Sesharak, "The Socketed Shaft", a quartzite throne encrusted with round quartzite cabochons, and encircled with bands of quartzite.  This object is adorned with hanging rings of quartzite and menaces with spikes of quartzite.

[brewer bob]

Can't remember the details, but one artifact I had was Zanortob, "Heartsmashes", a sheer llama wool sock. For some reason multiple questers tried to steal it. I can still remember the first sneaking human crossbowman yelling "You will not stand between me and Heartsmashes!" and launching a desperate attack in hopes of gaining the sock.

[HMD Majesty]

We just got 'The Sensual Clasp', a Peach Wood Bed.

It menaces with Spikes...

[Staalo]

Majority of all artifacts ever created are really ridiculous and useless in any case, if we're being honest.

In my recent forts the most memorable was probably Shameappear the alpaca wool thong, not because of the artifact itself, but because of its effect on the world. For some reason no less than ten different necromancers had claimed it from afar and were sending an endless conga line of undead infiltrators to steal it from my treasure vault. At the time my fort was full of adamantine and gold treasures worth half a kingdom, but no one cared about those; that piece of underwear was the one everyone was coveting.

To stop the flood of infiltrators I started raiding and knocking down necro towers. That worked for a while but once the last necromancer was dead, various high priests and holy men around the continent started sending their agents. You can probably guess what they were after... yes, Shameappear the alpaca wool thong.

[Saiko Kila]

One artefact I got is quite ridiculous. And it had unusual story. A bismuthinite percussion set (large stationary percussion instrument) which was brought to me by a weremammoth (weremammoths were swarming my fortress in its early years, and each one was bringing an artefact). The beast showed up, killed a sentry cat with said instrument, then a monitor lizard, then entered the ocean, only to transform back in the middle. It dropped the instrument, made a few steps, and drowned. Later similar feat (i.e. drowning) was repeated by a couple of other weremammoths.

It took me several years to make a battery of "ocean suckers", pumps which created a current, which brought the instrument to the shore. Even before my dwarves got their paws on it, they were referencing it in their own artefacts. The name of it is "The Root of Growth". And it isn't the only stationary percussion set, my dwarves made a garnierite one (but decorated with adamantine), named "The Solitary General". Now I  need a couple of guitars and can make a metal band.

Other funny artefact is an iron toy hammer - I mean, if it is made with iron, can be this still counted as a toy?

Yet another is a cat bone buckler. Would you protect your life with cat-bone-anything? Because I wouldn't.

Of useless clothing I got a ramie headscarf, and a woollen right mitten.

One of my favourites was brought by an ettin or cyclops - it is a dwarf bone table. Good for negotiations with my outpost liaison.

But the most impossible is the nautilus shell chain. I can't even imagine how it looks like.

[recon1o6]

I got a floodgate made out of ice the other day. No I don't get it either, it menaced with spikes of dog leather, goblin bone and billion. It was also encircled with bands of cat leather and had 2 images of itself and a named vorgria. (personal modded race)
Name was "portalhammer"

Another artifact that comes to mind is a bed made out of leopard gecko remains and decorated with shells and jewels. Where do you even get enough gecko for that

[Schmaven]

Another artifact that comes to mind is a bed made out of leopard gecko remains and decorated with shells and jewels. Where do you even get enough gecko for that

I have a hard time even finding any remains.  I've had 1 mood fail so far due to lacking them.  The atom smashing garbage disposal is just too efficient...

Not too great on it's own, it just reminded me of the great Toady One:
Vuknudges, "The Strangled Persuasion", a giant cave toad leather sandal.  Value: 143,520 Urists

Spoiler: Artifact description (click to show/hide)

And then there's the iron backpack worth 138,000 and weighing in at 39 Urists:

Spoiler: Iron backpack (click to show/hide)

I didn't know it was even possible to get an iron backpack.  I may have screwed it up while trying to forbid / unforbid some of the more interesting leathers.  The eagle leather was leftover at the leather works.  I'll have to test this discovery and see if I can get some other unexpected artifact base materials.

[Mobbstar]

I'll have to test this discovery and see if I can get some other unexpected artifact base materials.

No need, this is a known bug.  I only learned of it second-hand, but apparently it's mentioned on the wiki somewhere.

[Schmaven]

I'll have to test this discovery and see if I can get some other unexpected artifact base materials.

No need, this is a known bug.  I only learned of it second-hand, but apparently it's mentioned on the wiki somewhere.

It seems to result in only changing the base material to iron according to the details on Mantis there.  I was hoping it just went to the next item marked with TSK on the list.