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Author Topic: Ridiculous Artifacts  (Read 15686 times)

Magmacube_tr

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2021, 04:50:45 pm »

A cat bone crutch with bands and spikes of cat bone.

My gosh.
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IndigoFenix

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2021, 03:06:51 am »

What about ridiculous artifact stories?

One of my worlds generated a perfect clear garnet called Graniteecho that was basically that world's One Ring.  It was created to glorify a god and sat in a temple until the city was conquered by a demonic gecko, who stole the jewel and kept it in its dark fortress for 100 years until said fortress was conquered and the demon slain. The jewel was simultaneously claimed by seven different nations, who spent the better part of a century stealing it back and forth from each other until by some twist of fate it wound up in the hands of a random zombie. Who later went on to kill enough historical figures to become a named zombie, Clobberscrapes.

The artifact itself is nothing special, but the stories surrounding it make it memorable. I like to imagine that the necromancer attacked the city looking for the jewel, and the zombie was hiding it like a jealous Gollum.

hanni79

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2022, 11:53:47 am »

I once had an amethyst bed. No clue how that happened, but I loved the thought of it. Apparently, my major at the time did so as well, as he liked amethyst and had a crapton of good thoughts from it.
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Magmacube_tr

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2022, 04:13:53 pm »

Some dwarf went into a macabre mood. I don't know how or why since the fort he lives in has everything a dwarf may want.

He immidiately ran to my vermin corpse stockpile and took a bunch. He made a bed. Out of lizard remains.

Thanks, I hate it.
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Shzar

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2022, 03:46:43 pm »

A visiting intelligent undead stole my artifact iron bucket from its pedestal in the temple. I did not identify the culprit until he was making his way to the exit. Piqued at his gall, I sent my military to kill him.

As it turns out, an artifact iron bucket is a formidable weapon. He killed two of my steel-clad dwarves and was breaking the legs of a third before my Captain of the Guard chopped his head open. The bucket was then returned to its pedestal, now spattered with blood. I like to pretend my dwarves are humbled by its sloppy, gruesome coat of paint.
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dikbutdagrate

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2022, 06:44:22 pm »

Pretty terrible. The dwarfs even had the audacity to provide me with recursive reminders.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

« Last Edit: January 16, 2022, 08:34:48 am by dikbutdagrate »
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Thisfox

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2022, 03:31:37 pm »

Other than "oh dear it's made of adamantine", I don't really see a problem with the hatch cover. Looks lovely. Better than yet another earring or underwear item, you can install it somewhere and it will thuswise never be stolen.
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dikbutdagrate

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2022, 05:02:35 pm »

Yeah, you're probably not wrong. I was just trying to find artifacts that qualify for the thread that weren't just hemp hats, with bands of pig leather. My disappoint when the dwarves made this thing was immense. "It uses platinum and adamantine?! Please be a weapon or armor. Please be a weapon or armor." - I thought I had just hit the jackpot for mail.

Thematically, I will say it was a little silly that a green glass coffin was covered in multiple images of an artifact named, "the lessened suicide", which itself was produced at a fort called, "shankcraft." Not sure what the dwarves were trying to communicate there exactly.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2022, 05:04:25 pm by dikbutdagrate »
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brewer bob

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #23 on: January 17, 2022, 04:40:20 am »

Not an artifact, but several years ago I had a cook make a pretty ridiculous meal:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Pretty much emptied my food stores with this Planepacked styled meal. I tried to trade it away, but it was so heavy that the caravan left before the hauler reached the depot.

Magmacube_tr

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2022, 05:36:23 am »

Holy carp. That meal alone is a siege reason.
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Eric Blank

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #25 on: January 30, 2022, 07:08:01 pm »

Back in iirc 31.07 I had a moody jeweler, and was trying to control which gem he made his artifact out of so forbid them all but the most expensive type. He grabbed it and went to the workshop, collected the rest of his materials and got to work. Then the other jewelers stopped work because I never unforbid the rest of the gems, so I went back into the item list and unforbid them all, but accidentally, and only momentarily, forbid the one the moody dwarf was using.

The game decided instead of canceling his mood and letting him go insane to continue, but at the end didn't know what material to use, so it selected the first inorganic in the list; which at the time was "magic missile," as I was prototyping what would eventually become Spellcrafts.

The artifact that came out of the pipe was a barrel made of magic missile substance, surprisingly usable still. However, it's most bizarre property was that magic missile had no value modifier, so the game assigned a seemingly random value to it, sometimes in the tens of millions, sometimes the negative billions, and it changed every tick iirc. So my fortress value would spontaneously shift from extremely high values to impossible negative values.

No idea if a similar series of events could take place in the current version.

I've also tried to create Planepacked-style artifacts before, got a neat table with a few dozen different historical images in various animal bones.
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Shazial

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2022, 12:45:31 pm »

Over all I've been lucky that most of the artifacts my little ones have produced have been somewhat useful, furniture, weapons, scepters, crowns, or earrings, but there are two that currently give me a smile each time I happen by them:

Not an oddity per se, but it's quite the fun synergy with name and item: Töraszarut, "The Greatest Insanity", a lavender jade puzzle-box. Just the mental image of a dwarf sitting in some corner, forever trying to solve a fancy unsolvable puzzle-box is quite intriquing.

The fact one of my dwarves went through the effort to make a single sandal, the ultimate chancla, is also quite amusing: Tholtiganil, the Barricaded Glory, a nurse shark leather sandal.

While not the artifact itself is causing me gray hairs, but the behavior of its current (unwanted) owner - they are lumbering around the fortress, carrying the legendary bed in their left hand, refusing to let it go.
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Magmacube_tr

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #27 on: February 25, 2022, 03:45:51 pm »

I got a cat leather sock with some worthless rocks on it. Yay.

At least it has Microcline on it.
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NordicNooob

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2022, 12:19:56 pm »

My best fortress Angelcrux has created a large share of memorable artifacts, some of which are silly and some of which are just ridiculously good. The fortress is on a vault, so I have access to slade (and formerly had slade bars, before I used them all in artifact hammers). Aside from the four uber hammers, I have a slade door I like (which also has a few dozen building destroyer kills through a trap), a ridiculous quantity of adamantine armor and weapons (I immediately train children in weaponsmithing or armorsmithing based on preferences so they'll make good artifacts), and a few silly and/or stupid artifacts, like an iron thong I've given to my militia commander and a wiffle bat that made me extremely upset because I still had slade bars when it was made and the moody dwarf wanted to use adamantine instead. I also have an adamantine spear and some crossbows, which sound cool but are unfortunately useless since most of what I fight is piles of zombies, and none of my soldiers are good at using those weapons anyways.
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Schmaven

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Re: Ridiculous Artifacts
« Reply #29 on: March 14, 2022, 05:42:47 pm »

...Aside from the four uber hammers, I have a slade door I like (which also has a few dozen building destroyer kills through a trap)...
What sort of trap setup do you have where an artifact slade door is getting kills?  The only thing I can think of is somehow air-dropping it onto enemies
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