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[Great Order]

Superdry's been having a black friday sale so I got my first actually decent sports bra from them (Still need to go regular bra shopping but Jesus does that terrify me).

The gender euphoria looking in the mirror with something that brought in my lower rib/upper belly was like being slapped in the face.

I need to lose weight still, my belly's got a very male appearance to it, but it's still nice overall.

[Egan_BW]

Did you guys see any cute boys recently?

I don't really go outside much, so no.

[MaxTheFox]

Cute Russian mixed-media short film about the Frog Prince
Said to be more gay than trans but I consider it both.  I am very good at media literacy: I can read trans gender in ANYTHING /j

There's a Soviet cartoon called "The Blue Puppy". It's... lowkey infamous these days in the Russian internet for reasons I'll now explain lol

First of all, the word for blue used it "голубой", which means a more cyan kind of blue... but is also slang for a gay man. Okay that's not funny by itself as it's a common word.

Then you get to the plot. He's bullied for his fur color. Then the Evil Pirate and Cunning Cat, both with masculine vibes, capture him. But then he is rescued by a Kind Sailor... who has a very effeminate design and has a penchant for flowers (yes). The pirate is defeated and the puppy is accepted by everyone.

Since this is from the 1976 USSR, and based on an older poem, and predates the slang term becoming popular, I think this is just a weird coincidence but wow.

[martinuzz]

A new Russian law is being processed by court today.
With the new law, Russia will view being part of a lgbtq+ community as being a member of an extremist organisation, punishable by many years in prison. Activists fear that forced conversion will also become common.

[MaxTheFox]

Heard of it. It's mostly a thing to pander to reactionary vatniks, because these laws are only enforced against protesters and prominent activists. I'm in no danger because I keep it to the Western internet only, which they don't surveil. I don't use VK and I rarely even use Russian forums.

So for the love of God don't tell me and KT to leave ASAP again like the last time this happened. I refuse to leave until I finish what I started.

[scriver]

I won't tell you to leave but I will tell you that I worry about you

[None]

Had a really cute encounter at the grocery store the other day!

I was asking a store associate for the directions to the bathroom since I had a container of fruit spontaneously deconstruct itself in the reusable bag I was shopping with and it needed to be cleaned out. They led me there, then asked which bathroom I preferred (they're locked), the mens' or womens'. I said mens' is fine and thanks for asking, and they were all 'of course! I mean you're clearly gay, so it was worth asking.' The associate looked very nonbinary and had a pride pin in their cap. I agreed that I was definitely some kind of queer (I was shopping with my partner, with whom I'm in a cisgender heterosexual relationship) and was just generally touched about how nice the whole situation was.

I'm very queer-coded, it seems!

We refer to ourselves as partners to destigmatize the use and challenge the queer connotations, since we do present as a cisgender heterosexual couple, but it's a little funny in that we mostly reverse gender roles in the household. She's had coworkers assume that her partner (me) is a woman in conversations she's had with them with how the term 'partner' is used, which is a little fun between us again because of how we invert roles at home.

We also had a nice conversation about gender identity while driving around- she remarked about how queer/gender identity kind of pervades a person's entire sense of self, with which I somewhat disagreed since I don't think much about my gender at all and it broadly has little bearing on my sense of self if we decouple the self from the body, and how we have terms like 'genderfluid' or 'nonbinary' to describe that, and how some people either find liberation in having a term to associate to the feeling or chafed/boxed in by needing to apply a label to that feeling. I think I generally settle for 'cisgenderqueer' as a blanket term for myself.

[Great Order]

Welp, I've discovered my taste in men. I've known I've been bisexual for a few years now, but this has told me what I'm consistently attracted to.

[Magmacube_tr]

You know how catterpillars melt down to reform into butterflies? If an LGBT person's sexuality is like that, I think mine came out all wrong. It is like this half-baked, ungainly abomination sprawled on the floor that sometimes has screaming fits of agony.

I don't know what it is with me. It feels incomplete. I feel like I am missing something, some crucial component that makes it all click. Everyone else seems to have it all figured out. But not me.

You guys are all old, you would know. Did this happened to you as well?

[Maximum Spin]

You know how catterpillars melt down to reform into butterflies? If an LGBT person's sexuality is like that, I think mine came out all wrong. It is like this half-baked, ungainly abomination sprawled on the floor that sometimes has screaming fits of agony.

I don't know what it is with me. It feels incomplete. I feel like I am missing something, some crucial component that makes it all click. Everyone else seems to have it all figured out. But not me.

You guys are all old, you would know. Did this happened to you as well?

Uh, no, that does not sound normal. That sounds like you might be clinically depressed.

[Great Order]

You know how catterpillars melt down to reform into butterflies? If an LGBT person's sexuality is like that, I think mine came out all wrong. It is like this half-baked, ungainly abomination sprawled on the floor that sometimes has screaming fits of agony.

I don't know what it is with me. It feels incomplete. I feel like I am missing something, some crucial component that makes it all click. Everyone else seems to have it all figured out. But not me.

You guys are all old, you would know. Did this happened to you as well?

Sort of, but I think it's internalised homophobia (I grew up in a not-very-forwards part of a country whose kids use(d? Been a while since I was in school) "gay" and "bender" as insults, so it's not too surprising). It could be anything really.

[Maximum Spin]

You know how catterpillars melt down to reform into butterflies? If an LGBT person's sexuality is like that,

I think this whole premise, in fact, is guaranteed to lead you into misery.

There are no butterflies. There are no metamorphoses. And God helps us, "an LGBT person's sexuality" isn't "like" anything. Being gay or bi is exactly the same as being straight, but with different genitals.

What you've said in your post sounds exactly like what I've heard from many straight autistic kids who have the same feeling; it isn't about being one thing or another, it's about depression and how it can make people see only failure and decay. There's no secret you need to look for - you already are what you're "meant to be". What you are is what you're going to be.

[Starver]

If you'll excuse me sticking my oar in, I'm wondering if it's 'just' related to the Hitchhiker's Guide thing...

Arthur Dent : You know, this explains a lot. Because all my life, I've had this unaccountable feeling in my bones that something sinister was happening in the universe and that no one would tell me what it was.
Slartibartfast : Oh, no. That's just perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe has that.

i.e. that everyone's got some form of paranoia/self-doubt/feeling-of-wrongness. What that incarnates as in any given individual just depends upon the particular hooks available to hang it upon (love, sex, money, politics, art, whatever). Which makes it no less important to pay attention to, for all that, but should not be made your be-all-and-end-all. Draw the benefits from that clear side of your personality, let it guide your wishes and aspirations, but don't allow it to submege yourself.

Maybe easier said than done, but perhaps some wider perspective/distraction can help, and work on the general combined life-aim of "better you, happier you, more honest you" from another angle which might improve the perspective.

(Insofar as my 'wisdom' is any use, as far from the model lifestyle guru as I might be.)

[Magmacube_tr]

Uh, no, that does not sound normal. That sounds like you might be clinically depressed.

Is it that obvious? I suppose I should've figured it would be, for you guys anyways. Yes, yes, I am pretty depressed. Clinically, even. I am very mentally ill actually, in all sorts of exotic, queer ways. I lowkey should be institutionalised. Or at least observed. I wish I was joking.

Before you say it, no, I absolutely cannot seek help. Mental health care here is nigh-useless. It is all either conservative muslim woman hoping score heaven points by preaching about Islam, or old hags who use papers from 1960's and classify homosexuality as a mental illness. Not to mention the waiting times. It is not an option. Turkey is not a place that values mental health. Geography is fate.

I do not feel inadequate towards the greater society as a whole. I frankly do not care about the worthless opinions of their obviously false god and con artist, pedophile prophet. I've always found it very easy to completely disregard cultural norms, too. I do not have internalised homophobia. I am sure of that.

My feelings of inadequacy come from within. I can only describe it as a hunch. An overwhelming, dysphoric feeling. It isn't paranoia. It is not a distant, unsure "what-if". It is an alarm. An alarm that says "Something's not right. Something's missing." I don't know what, but it is just that.

Maybe this means I am nuts. Runs in the family, no big deal. Or maybe my subconscious is obsessing over nothing again, perceiving things where there are none. I might even be hyperfixated on a previously miniscule feeling in my attempts to understand it, and accidentally made it larger because feelings are fractal and all that.

I am rambling now. I'll probably be marginally better come spring.

[Loud Whispers]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

utmost betrayal >:|