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[LordBaal]

Hello guys...

As you might know or not know, life hasn't been much easy on me, but that's the same for everyone. In fact as a matter of fact life has been quite nice to me in the last couple years. Right on the darkest moment, on the verge of homelessness and hopelessness, found a life saving job that has been not only quite nice economically, but also mentally. I won't become rich from it, but is a small fortune relatively speaking in a country where minimum wage is $4 per month. It feed us well, clothe us and puts a roof on our heads, plus gives pete a good education. Is stressful at times, as any job but nothing that a bit of effort can't solve. So the job is good, its what I'm trying to say.

My wife and I never argue, over 8 years of marriage we have fought seriously exactly only once, and had exactly one lesser argument. She's not the most affections person in the world, and I know this, but I also know she express her care and love in a different way, not with words, hugs of physically in general. That's just the way she was raised and her 3 brothers and 1 sister are all exactly the same. All apparently good in that front too.

Our kid is a smart, handsome, joyful and energetic kid, healthy as a horse, just passed to 1st grade from kinder-garden and got into a pretty good private school along with some of his buddies. He's just a happy, nice, healthy kid, all good there too.

I'm living, like, basically most people dreams. At the very least my own darn dreams from like 3 o 5 years ago for certain, when we were starving, I had to ration my food for them to eat and had to do a lot of weird jobs were I was even threaten for crap my bosses made and in general was going into an early grave.

Yet, I should be happy, and I am at certain degree, but I just keep thinking on how my family would be better without me. At the worst cases if I'm completely gone or at least just living by my own somewhere else. Cant' stop thinking my wife could definitively find someone better than me in all aspects, my kid can have a better fatherly figure in his life, and basically everyone would be just happier if I weren't in the picture.

Don't get me wrong, I know they love me, specially my kid, but I know they will definitively be better without me. Maybe, I could just leave and keep supporting them from the distance without interfering in their lives until they find someone else better than me, which shouldn't be hard at all to be honest, and then I could simply drop everything and let that dark maw swallow me whole.

My mother in law and my sister in law are with us too, after my father in law died they too had a good darn time and as soon we got into a better position we started helping others, and they were first in the line. My sister in law just started high-school in a good place too. We have helped as many people as possible. But many things are beyond our means to help.

Overall, I think my discomfort is from past mistakes, what I should have done and that I'm simply not good enough, have never been and never will. I've spoken most of this and how I fell with my wife and she assures me things are good, that I should not feel this way and while things will never be the same, things are okay. I don't buy it.

Being honest the worst have passed my head and that just illustrates my point on people being better without me to start. Don't worry however, my rational side just knows that this is not an acceptable answer and it would not solve anything. If anything, I'm more worthy alive than dead, as long I have a job at least. This also makes me think that I'm 36 now and basically have only 4 years more of work worth. Once you are 40 who's gonna give you a job?

Does anyone feels like this? Like an impostor? Unworthy of any measure of success?

[dragdeler]

You're kidding, none of those bums could have lifted themselves up by the bootstraps like Lordbaal, talk about a provider. In situations where everybody is constrained to try hard, stoicism is a given, in such an environment compliments are rare, any dramatic expression of emotions really. You know it, even the kid intuitively grasped the general status. Idk if there is any amount of reassurance that can restore innocence. You can see it in old people who seen rough times, they never stopped having a stock of food for worse times. To know that everything can crumble down in an instant, and not try be prepared would be reckless now wouldn't it.

Everything you have, you more than deserved it. Try to enjoy the good things while they last, even if that feels unfamiliar, even if it stays good indefinitly and yet never becomes familiar, that's not some personal failure, thats just how you got wired, and reprogramming oneself is only realistic to an extent. I get it:

If anything, I'm more worthy alive than dead, as long I have a job at least.

It's terrible what we are constrained to believe, it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong and wether we think it is right or not... Some notions like that have to whole world in a chokehold, wether we want it or not. All I can advise is not to pay attention to it. Your family will be devastated without you, they will end up finding their footing financially, they might not even have a second to spare a thought to you until then, but when they do it will dawn on them that dad had some other qualities that are irreplacable, and that they would probably trade it all back for you. I say that because yes it would be true in many cases, but you strike me as a case where that would be particularly true. **

You know when my dad suffered his head injury in the hospital I was absolutely convinced that life and health is worth all the other stuff ten times over... Then when it was difficult in rehabilitation that certainty wasn't allways readily recallable. We are ten years later now, and he usually drives me nuts but still we can thank the heavens he is still with us, just the other day he told me about helping an 92 old down the stairs, and you know in my mind he is the frail one now, and that kinda blew my mind how much life he still has before him, hopefully. If I die before him he probably won't be able to help carrying my coffin and I bet he'd be kinda mad about it (don't think I'll have a coffin lol, but I have no will yet sooo)... but like who the fuck cares right?!


** IDK why I'm thinking about this now, but the other day I was talking with my mom about a guy who comes a lot to the parc to search for useful scrap, and I happened to mention something he told me about his dad, and somehow that led to me saying, "oh no he lost his dad very young, I think that man has been buried since the 70's" and my mom didn't say a lot after that, but I knew it endeared him to her that he's still taking such good care of the grave 50 years laters... my mom lost her mom at 16, my dad lost his dad at 8 that shit obsesses me because it's deep in my genetic makeup I think... Only girl I ever chose to have a serious relationship with lost her father as well at 15, goes to show you. Trust me this stuff runs way further than our mortal husks ever will.

[nenjin]

Does anyone feels like this? Like an impostor? Unworthy of any measure of success?

Sure. Everyone at my job has Imposter Syndrome, or has had it at one point.

I believe it comes from the inner belief that one is unable to meet high expectations but has to continue on. And possibly also being hyper critical of one's own self. Even realizing intellectually that perfection is impossible, our first instinct is to dock ourselves points for something. Sometimes in the name of "being honest" and getting out in front of criticism. And other times, just out of sheer low self-esteem.

For myself, I know this came from my parents. I love em and all but they were 80s parents. They had shit they wanted to do and they'd gotten me to the point I was an intelligent child so....they tried to speed run me through things and then got frustrated when I didn't keep up. My dad in particular wasn't a patient man at the time and got easily frustrated, and had some boundaries he didn't like having crossed. So as a kid, I learned to be hyper sensitive to criticism and to my own performance because god help me if I didn't meet expectations. I got paddled, spanked and scolded plenty. Which translated into a keen awareness of being a cause of frustration, of being a burden, of disappointing people.

It may be "the truth" of a situation but it's a harsh truth delivered without enough love to pad out the emotional impact of it. Over time, it made me often feel like what I did wasn't good enough even by my own standards and I often let those feelings overshadow the good parts of my experiences, and paid more attention to what I didn't do or reach or accomplish rather than focus on the things I did do. In my job, this reached a peak of anxiety where I had to learn to actively do a thing I might not be able to handle and not melt down. Months and months of that, of feeling like I'm secretly not meeting a standard other, smarter, more technical people did leave me feeling like an imposter.

Anyways, I doubt I've come as far as you have through personal adversity. But I know for the things I've been through I still don't give myself enough credit. I hold back some of that credit for a lot of reasons. But mostly perhaps out of a sense of that I should save that for some *real* milestone I can *actually* be proud of.....which is a crock of shit and just an excuse not to feel good about things. Again, because it's a learned pattern of behavior. Get too comfortable, stop paying attention, fuck up or not do well enough....get taxed for it. Not operating in "survival mode" feels like dishonesty and irresponsibility. There's no real time for self-satisfaction and reflection in survival mode, just the next thing you gotta stay on top of and check off the list, lest you let someone down....possibly even yourself.

So maybe it's time to take your foot off the pedal for a minute and ask yourself what you're still pushing for. What still has you in survival mode? Do you feel like you need to provide more for your family, a better life, than you already have? Think that would be easier if you "just weren't there?" What are you chasing, or running from, that makes it so you can't stop and look at all the hills you've climbed, all the achievements of regular life you've accomplished, the things you've created and feel like you deserve them?

Because maybe the reality is that you don't *have* to survive the way you had before, and *that* is what's leaving you feeling empty. You became so used to operating that way that you don't know how to feel now that you've "arrived" at a different mode and speed and place in your life. A place you worked for and earned but still don't know how to let yourself own.

Overall, I think my discomfort is from past mistakes, what I should have done and that I'm simply not good enough, have never been and never will. I've spoken most of this and how I fell with my wife and she assures me things are good, that I should not feel this way and while things will never be the same, things are okay. I don't buy it.

Be careful. You can create the situation you believe to be true. If you continue to believe your wife secretly doesn't think you're good enough, that's she's basically lying to you about it, then she will eventually feel that way because it's how you feel. Don't go looking for tomorrow's trouble, today. And leave yesterday's failures where they belong: in the past. Just....live in the moment friend. You are your own harshest critic.

[ChairmanPoo]

I think everyone is pretty battered up these days, aince the pandemic

[Loud Whispers]

When you are standing at the edge of the abyss, break off and have a cup of tea. I know that feel bro, but sometimes you're not seeing from the right frame of reference. It gets too easy to live an entire life not celebrating any of your victories to the point where humility turns into self-loathing. You don't know they'll be better off without you, what you do know is you managed to drag yourself and loads of your kin out of despair and into stable lives with good futures ahead of them. That's the part you've got to see. I wouldn't blame yourself for not being happy enough or grateful enough or whatever, because sometimes our own moods are out of our control and have more to do with lingering stresses, sleep cycles broken, diets, or even as nenjin says, finally making it to the end of a dark tunnel and wondering what happens now you aren't constantly attacked by things you must do and now have to start thinking what will I do?
I've felt the exhausting pressure of everyone leaning on you like a pillar to the point where your entire sense of self-worth starts to derive from whether people need you still... And then you start to think what value you have if everyone who needed you doesn't anymore. Eventually you must come to understand your own inherent worth, sooner or later, as intimidating as that sounds. Personally, I think a good person is good, not because they are something useful to be used and discarded, but because they're someone who went from action to action trying to do the right thing. You fit that bill LordBaal. You're still standing - Feel free to laugh and smile now! ;]

[EuchreJack]

I also had a midlife crisis during the Pandemic.
It occasionally threatens to come back, but I'm not 40 yet, so I can keep hitting that snooze button. But I will be 40 in two years.

LordBaal, for what it's worth, I figure you're "better off" than me in regards to certain life goals, and I am probably "better off" than you on a one or two things. Eh, it's life. The only one we're truly competing with is ourselves.

[McTraveller]

Yeah, being an adult can indeed be characterized by... "what am I doing?" I'm 45 and this often happens.  What I do (aside from faith) is, as said above, think of the good things.  One day at a time, that sort of stuff.

It's somewhat "normal."  Just so long as it doesn't linger and become debilitating... then you'd want to get some help I think.

[EuchreJack]

FYI, I got a little help, and it helped. Although in my case, it was essentially grief counseling due to the death of several loved ones, including my father. But it can help and it's ok.

[Magmacube_tr]

Yeaaaaaah... That's your demons talking. No, you are a great father figure, a great spouse, and a great family member. The fact that you even feel your loved ones deserve better than you is a testament to that; you care and put their well being first, before your interests. Sure, the thought process is illogical, but the feelings underneath are genuine.

You are fine. Your partner says you are fine. You should buy it.

[Loud Whispers]

And also eat some chicken soup

Can't be struck by mortal anxiety when seated before a bowl of chicken broth

[MrRoboto75]

And also eat some chicken soup

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ee0syZi9E0

[Ulfarr]

I remember your posts LordBaal, it's good to read that you are doing well.

Compared to you, I barely have enough experience to tell you what to do so I'll keep it short. Your wife, your kid too..to some extent, they choose to stay with you. You and your family went through hell and they stayed with you. Even now that you are doing better and one could say it'll be easier to replace you, they still choose you. You've proven yourself to them!

Worrying about job security is normal. And real. I'm not sure if you ever did move to another country but, now that you are doing better,
perhaps it's a good time to plan for that.

[LordBaal]

Thanks a lot for the replies guys. Thank you, really. I looked up the impostor syndrome and it seems relevant to the situation. I'm not 100% well but well... this too shall pass.

I really appreciate all of you, some I "know" since almost 20 years now.

I miss itisnotlogical a lot. He once told me it seemed to him like no one listened here and was surprised of me and others actually checking on him. None of us are truly alone here.

[Loud Whispers]

bay12 is a small village. Sometimes people listen better here than people IRL

[Folly]

Maybe the people around you would be better off without you. Probably not, but I don't know all the nuances of your situation and can't make that assumption.
But why should that matter? It's impossible to live a satisfying life while sacrificing everything for the sake of others; and it would be extremely selfish for others to expect that of you.
First know thyself. Then love thyself. Until you can do those things, none of the rest will ever really be important.