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[Kilowatt]

#1- Hello.

#2- Is it too late for me to join this game? I find it quite amusing.

If so...

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According to the 1050 Revised Edition of the Pantshelm-Jorundur rulebook, section XVI, subsection BB, addendum 198 A, if two or more megabeasts have been in play at some point, I may spawn a herd of any large animal at the entrance to the fort. If I spawn any animal the size of an elephant or bigger, I must do an undeath check. How convennient, for I wish to spaewn a herd of elephants. *rolls dice*

Failed. A herd of Zombie elephants tromp into the fort's entrance and promptly begin angrily stomping about and trumpeting, rocking the fortress and forcing any living thing to do a sound resistence check. Those kobolds better start rolling.  

[ May 28, 2008: Message edited by: Kilowatt ]

[dresdor]

Well, according to the Boatmurdered Artifact guide, the Boatmurdered lever requires two operators unless:

1. Elven traders have arrived
2. Goblins are sieging the fort

or

3. A herd of elephants (any type) is breaching the gate.

Since the third exception is now in play, Captain Ironblood pulls the lever, and magma surges through the map (note, this is magma according to rule 99 of "The 2d Tacticus Handbook" so it fills the entire map during my turn).

Since Ironblood has a toughness over 10, he gets to make a save vs. the magma's heat instead of just being vaporized (page 28 "Damn that's hot" magma expansion ruleset).  And *rolls* luckily I save by a whole 3 points.  So Ironblood is now swimming in the hot magma, and even though his clothes and non-steel armor has been burned away, he is still perfectly alive.

[Kilowatt]

The immense heat, according to section MCXVI of the Pantshelm ruleset (copyright 1075), subsection MMMCCXVVIVIVIVVVICMMMXM (etc...), states that pon the pulling of any mythical leveron the map, causes any zombie animals to vaporize into Zombie Virus particles.  

Oh dear. Can you say "Aerosolized Zombie Virus?" Oh dear.

Meanwhile, deep underground...

code:

  
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Urist Wetpants has canceled digging: reached ocean, and is now running like hell.

Oh dear.

[Donnigan]

Just before the magma rush, according to the Where the Hell did they All come From? Rulebook, subsection: AG Pg 42, Whenever there are more kobolds than dwarves on the map, a new player is instituted.

I play an 2 space adamantine canoe Which I fill to the brim with female dwarven gemsetters.  According to the Spacial rules in the Quantum Space and how to Fuck with it Booklet released in 1934, There can be any number of dwarves in a single space, there fore, I now have an unlimited supply of Cannon fodder.

I send the first dozen or so to jump into the magma for the enjoyment of all.

[xpCynic]

And I'll place a bet of an artifact cow bone toilet seat that as a result of rule 524434.8, paragraph 667 of Brain-Bruisingly Impossible Exceptions will allow for a single one of them to, instead of melting in the magma, become encased in ice due to an extremely lucky roll. Oh yes, I'm a risk-taker, all right.

[Duke 2.0]

quote:Originally posted by xpCynic:
<STRONG>And I'll place a bet of an artifact cow bone toilet seat that as a result of rule 524434.8, paragraph 667 of Brain-Bruisingly Impossible Exceptions will allow for a single one of them to, instead of melting in the magma, become encased in ice due to an extremely lucky roll. Oh yes, I'm a risk-taker, all right.</STRONG>

Seems you already won THAT one. Man, these rolls are crazy. According to the stats:
89% of my forces were incinerated
3% were trampled by elephants before the great flood of fire.
4% drowned. Somehow.
One of 'em exploded in a cloud of gore. He was at the corner of the map before the magma reached him.
Another one somehow turned into a vermin. Thankfully, I had him warp into a room sealed from the outside chaos.
The last little bugger got encased in ice from a freak roll with the Quantum Space and how to Fuck with itBooklet. Damn you, 1dΞ - ϖ!

To save my forces, I have my kobolds mess around with levers as their last act of defiance. This causes a number of things, ranging from releasing the irrigation waters to combat the lava and saving my kobolds in the farm rooms to causing the Dining Room to collapse into the chasm.

[Kilowatt]

code:

  
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The water from the sea rises up the tunnel and into the main entrance, cooling any magma in its path- OH NO!

[Xenomorph]

I'd like to place a bet of one artifact Birchen table, engraved with an image of dwarves speaking with dwarves, that at least one kitten somehow survives the magma/water deluge, either by learning to breathe underwater or simply not burning up in magma.  And further, that said kitten then goes on to butcher ten kobolds.

I'm sure you all recognise this as a situation outlined in the Pantshelm-Jurundr 1054 supplement Kittens, Kittens and More Kittens: They're Coming Out of the Walls!, specifically from Table 32(c) ('Quantum Catsplosion Effects, with Special Attention to Interaction with Fluids') on page 263.  That one always intrigued me.

[Donnigan]

As the fellow in the ice floats by, I have my gem setters fish him out According to the One More Can't Hurt Any Addendum from the Classic Rules from 1999.  Unfortunately...

*Rolls*

This one Did.  

It seems bringing this Icy kobold onto the Canoe has made the side I brought him onto Reach critical mass due to the Closeness of Solid Koboldium to Excess Amounts of Dwarfinium, as Described in the Even More Minerals Online Rule Blog.

*Rolls 20d8*

Well, that's not Good...The entire left Side of the Canoe is Incinerated, Causing the Ice cube to Fly into the air and begin falling right over the yet to be magmized hilltop where the dwarven spy is.  What is even more strange, is, by a freak roll, he wasn't even on the side that exploded.  Ohh well, That's Physics for you.

[ May 29, 2008: Message edited by: Donnigan ]

[RetSpline]

Ah! This is a perfect chance to take advantage of Urist McRuleWriter's Singularities and their Hazards expansion, wherein it is stated, "At any point should a catastrophic event arising from the misuse of temporal and physical impossibilities, any new play may enter play with 2 dwarves (one of whom must be a Dungeon Master) and a tame Giant Cave Spider.

Unfortunately, the rule also stipulates (in accordance with rule 238 of the compendium, Clauses: We Have Too Many of Them!: "If a new player is to enter the game with any noble dwarven character, his demands must be met within 3 turns, or the noble will throw a tantrum. Use Tantruming Noblesfor specifics regarding tantruming nobles") that the second dwarf, brought along with the Dungeon Master, has no appreciable skills...

*Rolls 3 of the letter dice from Boggle*

...In this case, Professional Fish Dissection...

...and must be the dwarf to prepare the Dungeon Master's wishes.

Urist McPoorchap starts carving a descending staircase into the ground (with his bare hands, as allowed during the 2003 Oklahoma regional competition) while the Dungeon Master looks smug.

[Bricktop]

Remember my fell-mooding dwarf? Well, he's decided that my brewer will be the victim, and has dragged him into the nearest butchers workshop. He then proceeded to make an artefact Dwarven Bone Axe decorated with Dwarven Leather and Dwarven Pancreas (as allowed in the 1999 Internal Organs: For Fun and Profit Expansion Booklet.

I've equipped him with the sword, but he can't go anywhere now as the corridor outside the food preparation area is full of magma. If anybody wants the sword, they'll have to mine in here and kill the dwarf (who is now a legendary bone-carver).

code:

#~########  @ is my dwarf
#~#..###.#  # is either wall or workshop
#~#.@###.#  . is floor
#~+..###.#  ~ is burning magma of death
#~#......#
#~########

EDIT: Also, a note for anyone attempting the Melbil Gambit (as seen to great effect in the InkyRipeness tournament of 2003) that using a Super-Awesome Dwarf to swim through the magma won't work, as opening the door will let the magma destroy the sword (so sending Ironblood down there won't get you the artefact).

[ May 30, 2008: Message edited by: Bricktop ]

[Dr. Melon]

Is it too late for me to join in?
If not, you've got a new, unarmed, untrained Recruit at your disposal. Well, he's carrying a Cougar Chunk.

[Kilowatt]

Ok, seeing as my dwarves are dead and my elephants are too, as Space, Time, Spacetime, and the Universe, and How to Screw With It [Copyright 1550, by Urist Scienceguy] (section B, subsection VI, addendum 142, subaddendum 20453) clearly states that any anomalies occuring when or after all of a player's troops are killed, one can summon any hypothetical beast. In this case I summon a clockwork man squad(From my upcoming mod), consisting of two snipers (marksman), two myrmidons (swordsmen [legendary]), two gearmasters (mechanics), diggers, and clockwork warhounds, all quite heat resistant, in a side room, near the dwarf with the artifact axe.

code:

  
#~##ooooo###
#~################
#~+.w&&.......mmm#
#~+..??..###..mmm#
#~#..//..###..mmm#
#~#..SS..###sssss#
#~##########sssss###
#~##########sssss.I#
#~##################
# is the wall
s is stone
. is the floor
~ is magma
w is wardog
& is myrmidon
? is diggers
S is snipers 
+ is a floodgate
I is a lever- linked to the floodgates
m is a mechanic`s workshop
o is the part of the room established in bricktop's post
All clockwork can remain in magma for a duration of time (but not too long) 
[too long is 6 turns- one turn = 1 post]

[Jualin]

According to Modding: How to F*** with People, volume one, whenever another player mods in a new creature, or mods a current creature, you may add one tag to a currently existing species when it is not your turn.

I give carp the [FIREIMMUNE] tag.

[Donnigan]

Well, The second space of my canoe forms a second according to pg.32 of Ships Ahoy!: Water Crafts and Other Undwarvenly Vehicles, Specifically, the rule pertaining to crafts full of Babes will never sink until every single babe has a chance to scream horribly and get rescued.  Since my Canoe is everfilling with female Gem setters, that will be a long time. As such, A few of them break out the addy Paddles and have them start boating over to the submerged fortress entrance.