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A Modest Proposal for Preventing Stone from Being a Burden to the Haulers

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Granite26:
A Modest Proposal for Preventing Stones from Being a Burden to the Haulers and Instead a Making Them Beneficial to the Fortress

IT IS a melancholy object to those who walk through this great fortress or tunnel in the mines, when they see the caves, the zoos, and statue gardens, crowded with miners of legendary status, followed by three, four, or six haulers, all in rags and importuning every noble for an housing. These haulers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in hauling quantities of stone to out of the mines: who as they are dumped either clog up the works, or damn up the defensive structures, or are used in useless crafts that themselves pile up equally.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of stones in the mines, or on the backs of haulers, or in the large piles, and frequently dumps, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these stones sound, useful products of the fortress, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the dwarven race.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the useless stones of granite and mudstone; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of stones who are carved of miners in effect as little able to haul them as those who demand carting from our streets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a stone just carved from the living rock may be ignored by the fortress for many a year, with little other worry; at most the occasional crafters need, which the crafter may certainly haul, or the value in trade, by minor inconvenience of hauling; and it is exactly at that point that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon the haulers or the fortress, or wanting hauling out of the depths at great cost of time and little material profit, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.
 
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary lesser miners, and that horrid practice of wasting stone, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor miner's time. I doubt more to avoid the expense of hauling than the time to train them, which micromanagement  would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of stones in a fortress being usually reckoned in the tens of thousands, of these I calculate there may be about five thousand whose uses are nil; from which number I subtract one thousand who needed as materials for small crafting, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present economies of the fortress; but this being granted, there will remain an four thousand stones. I again subtract one thousand for those miners who fail to leave stone, or whose hauling becomes impossible due to fortress pathing. There only remains three thousand stone in excess stone annually produced . The question therefore is, how this number shall be hauled and used for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a use by building, till they arrive at the stockpile, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they often travel straight to the site, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a noble in the county of Bleak Lantern, Shade of Cows, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances where the stone was not first carted to the stockpile before use.

I am assured by our merchants, that a common stone is no salable commodity; and even when economic they will not yield above three dwarfbucks, or 3.5 dwarfbuxks at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the trader or the fortress, the sacrificed weight of finished goods having been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing goblin of my acquaintance in BlackGorge the Feather of Elephants, that a non-economic stone is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the four thousand stone already computed, one thousand be reserved as emergency rations; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these stones are seldom the favorates of dwarves, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore mudstone will be more than sufficient. That the remaining three thousand may be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the hauler to quickly store then in the food stockpile to save the cook time. A stone will make two servings as a base and when the lavish meal is made, several dozen servings may be made in a stack, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a square contains 200 lbs of stone, and a good miner, if tolerably skilled, will preserve a stone of 100 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat bland, and therefore very proper for nobles, who, as they have already devoured most of the finer metals, seem to have the best title to the rest.


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Ok, that's enough for now

mutant mell:
So...you want the dwarfs to eat rock?

korora:
Most excellent.


--- Quote from: mutant mell on July 02, 2008, 09:38:31 am ---So...you want the dwarfs to eat rock?

--- End quote ---
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal

mutant mell:

--- Quote from: korora on July 02, 2008, 09:51:55 am ---http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal

--- End quote ---

GAH!  Satire'd!

Elvenshae:
*applause*

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