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Author Topic: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll  (Read 27140 times)

Vaftrudner

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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« on: September 22, 2008, 02:02:06 pm »

An AAR written by Vaftrudner, illustrated by Heffa.

New introduction:

For those who were wondering, I wanted to do something different by jumping straight into the action without a text like this, and since this is above all a playground for me and my AAR writing, I'm not playing this as a community/succession fortress. My writing is the same as all other games I've written about, picture-heavy, attempting to be humorous and poking fun at every oddness I encounter in the game itself. It's not an attempt to make a legendary epic story of win and greatness, it's supposed to be something light and entertaining. I do swear a lot, mostly because I've lived in Ireland for a time, I suspect ;) This might not be for everyone but I hope that you don't just consider me another /b/-tard. I was trying to introduce the characters one by one in the text itself instead of just throwing up seven screenshots in the old "I DARE you to read me!"-style, but since I (as usual) failed to do this in any good way and just made it more confusing, here's a list of the starting dwarves:

Cog: Proficient grower/Leader with appraiser, JoI and all that
Lolor: Proficient miner/Proficient mechanic
Aban: Proficient stonecrafter/Carpenter/Miner
Mafol: Proficient weaponsmith/Proficient armorsmith
Deduk: Proficient mason/Building designer
Obok: Proficient brewer/Proficient cook
Kogan: Likes to chop heads off with her axe


Big thanks to Heffa and Pekkaman for pictures.

Old disclaimer: There will be no original content, except the pictures. Everything Vaftrudner writes is stolen, contains profanity and is about as dirty and meaningless as a night out in Dublin. Please leave your expectations at the door and you may have a real good time.

Prologue by Kogan Betaneshtân

I was surprised when the Captain of the Guard came to speak with me. I still had about seventy years left on my sentence, and I didn't seriously think that anyone would consider my appeals. He was quite blunt - he told me that they would let me go, on the condition that I would accompany some colonists as a woodcutter. I considered telling him that the only thing I know how to do with an axe is cracking skulls, but thought better of it.



So he showed me the maps. The plan was to set up a mining colony on the other side of The Eerie Horns, right on the edge of The Helpful Blizzards. I'd heard about that region before I was locked up, the higher-ups refer to it as "an unfortunate chokepoint of minerals". Now, I don't pretend to be fluent in noble bullshit, but I know enough to translate that into "dwarves are going to die. A lot". They have to be real desperate for gold to actually send someone up to that hellhole. But of course I'd go if it meant I could lay my hands on some alcohol again. I was just about to accept when something hit me.

"Wait.. Why do you need a woodcutter? Last time I checked, there weren't any trees on a glacier, nor on a mountain made up of thirty fucktons of basalt!"

He just put on a friendly smile. I knew I was going to die. But screw it, as long as I don't have to spend the rest of my life in a nickel cage, anything's fine with me.



The guards escorted me out of my cage straight to a wagon the following day. The sun hurt, but at least I got my first proper barrel of dwarven ale in years. I was so used to being sober, I'd almost started to feel human. Well, they introduced me to the colonists and I was baffled. The expedition was led by a planter, Cog. I asked her what the fuck she was going to plant on a glacier, and she just smiled at me and said "Magma."
"What do you mean?" I asked her, but she just continued smiling.
"Fiery, hot. It'll burn the ice, yes."
So I turned to one of the miners, hoping that at least one of them had half a brain.
"Are we going to set up magma farming - just the seven of us?"
"No no! Not at all!", he answered. "Some will haul stuff instead!"
I swallowed hard. "Are you even sure there's magma there?"
"Well, yes, of course! That is, well, there better be, otherwise we'd die and what's the fun in that?"

I just climbed on the wagon, grabbed the steel axe and fell asleep holding it tight.

« Last Edit: September 25, 2008, 01:23:11 pm by Vaftrudner »
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Blurb

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2008, 03:20:32 pm »

After months of lurking, i registered just to say that i will follow this thread. Truly you have caught me in your net of egoism and idiocy. :]
« Last Edit: September 22, 2008, 03:24:25 pm by Blurb »
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Vaftrudner

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2008, 04:18:56 pm »



First spring by Mafol Cattenetost, Metalsmith





Well, it's bad, but not as bad as it could've been. Our wagon is loaded with booze and food, and we have some animals to keep us safe and warm. We met an elf on the way who claimed to know the area quite well, she said she often goes there for "adventures of spiritual exploration". She said we should be careful not to disturb the giant already living over there, but she was also rolling longland grass in paper cylinders while we spoke, so I'm not sure how much I trust her. I asked her if there was anything else living there, and she stared into the snow saying "Err, not exactly living, no..." Anyway, we've decided to name the place Catboldness to honor the courageous animals who have held us company and kept our spirits up. We told her to let the closest dwarven outpost know, if she should pass by.

1st Granite, year 51





Just when we spotted a cave, Cog told us to stop. This would be the place, right on the edge of the glacier. Turns out the crazy elf was right, there is indeed a giant in that cave. I told Cog we should get the fuck out of here, but she won't budge. Says she can smell the magma. Oh, and I see now what she meant when she said that nothing's living here.




There's ice everywhere. And where there's not ice, there's snow. I have no idea what Cog means, the only thing I can smell is my own frozen beard and the rotting of the living dead, but she's the leader. The miners, determined to live another day, started mining out a safe place for us, while the mason, Deduk, told us to forget what jobs we think we should be doing and start piling up the leftover ice from the miners.






7th Granite




Just as we put the finishing touches on the wall between us and certain painful death, a snow storm hits us and Deduk tells us to start building a roof aswell if we really want to be safe. Now, there are about four thousand things I'd rather be doing than walking around in a snow storm on a thin stair made out of ice, putting more ice above fucking ice, but we have no anvil, no magma, no wood and nothing whatsoever to smelt if we could, so I guess I'll just get on with it.

12th Granite



The roof is about halfway done now, and even though I envy the miners down in their reasonably warm, comforting darkness, there are some nice sights up here.




Just look at them! Awww... Hey, wait a minute...




...

17th Granite




I'm starting to feel remotely safe now. The underground storage room is finished and most of the food is down there, we still have a lot of wood and other stuff to haul down but we can leave the surface soon. The miners are carving away slopes, with plans on creating a corridor into what will be the fort's only entry point, so that when the goblins come, we will at least irritate them before we die.

25th Granite



The miners have finished digging away slopes and hit stone below the storage room, so we've got some workshops going to get us tables and beds. It's gonna be a nice change, not sleeping on ice. Surrounded by ice. With workshops, roofs, floors and trade depots made out of.. ice. Cog tells me that since most building and hauling is done for now, she has another fun job for me. I'm supposed to smooth the floor in our aboveground shelter to make it look more comforting. Sure, I tell her, what tools will I be using?

And she just stares at me.

At my hands.

Oh no.

Oh fuck no.



Hello pain, my name is Mafol. We're gonna be friends.
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Krash

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2008, 04:45:08 pm »

moar!
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MyLittlePonyBuiltMyHotRod, this is your first warning. I would like to direct you to read our forum's FAQ and posting guidelines before posting again. Specifically we don't use swear words here, and your picture of Stalin riding a Year3 Limited Edition Starflower inside a German concentration camp was both upsetting and historically inaccurate.

userpay

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2008, 04:46:32 pm »

lol very nice, I like the smoothing part alot.
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http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?topic=24229.0

Eita

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2008, 05:34:29 pm »

Must have war zombie troll.
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Glacies

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2008, 12:48:52 pm »

I like the pictures, a lot. Even if they are made in paint, it's a neat gimick that nobody else has picked up on, and I suggest you continue with it. Also, I loved the line about the hands, smoothing thingy.
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Vaftrudner

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2008, 01:27:01 pm »

I like the pictures, a lot. Even if they are made in paint, it's a neat gimick that nobody else has picked up on, and I suggest you continue with it. Also, I loved the line about the hands, smoothing thingy.
I like Heffa's pictures a lot too, and I think that they go well with the "graphics" of DF. Unfortunately the lazy bastard took a vacation from this update.

Edit: Pekkaman made some nice goat fanart, so I'm adding it!



First spring, continued by Kogan Betaneshtân, "woodcutter" (heh)

10th Slate





The miners finished the new entry to the place and the rest of us are working hard to secure the aboveground area. Except Mafol, of course, the poor bastard. He comes to the new bedroom to rest his bleeding hands sometimes, says he just doesn't want to talk about it. Meanwhile, Cog, reaching ever higher into the realm of insanity, told us that the roof-covered area would be our new dining room. I told her there was no way in hell I'd put tables up on the ice. She doesn't seem aware of the fact that ice reflects sunlight, making it so bright that even humans are fucking blinded. She told me to start doing what I'm told before she sends word for a hammerer. Convincing argument.

19th Slate



The miners are keeping busy, looking for minerals and that elusive magma. Meanwhile Obok's had a kitchen set up so that we can stop gnawing on frozen turtles. I was a bit worried, but when going to ask him he just screamed "NO, FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT COOKING THE FUCKING BOOZE!!"



Apparently this is nothing but an old prejudice, and he's quite sick of hearing it from everyone. I don't blame him, you don't walk up to me and say "Hey, nice axe, don't cut our legs off with it though!"

25th Slate



I'll be damned. Cog woke us all up this morning in an ecstatic frenzy, singing "Burn burn burn the elves, gently into roast, magmily magmily magmily magmily, bitch is fucking toast!" Apparently the miner Lolor struck a hot wall some hundred yards into the mountain. She's very optimistic about it, but there's a problem.




To plan the magma channels, the miners need to get in from above, and there are some cute goats there who might want to say hi, cuddle a bit and eat our guts while we're still screaming. So guess what?



Just send the friendly neighborhood ex-con to deal with it!

26th Slate



Crawling in the snow, their stench hit me before I can see them. I'm almost at the planned digging point when I see one in the corner of my eye. In an instant I'm up on my feet, gripping the freezing steel axe so hard my knuckles feel like they're about to burst. Staring into it's rotting, evil eyes, trying not to vomit from the cloud of miasma around it, I watch the beast charging at me and.. charging.. still charging.. waaait a minute.

Is this supposed to be scary? Ok, fair enough, they're the living dead, eaters of brains and whatnot. But honestly, it's not that frightening when it's charging at you at 10 fucking feet per hour. I could take a nap, do my hair, invent a pidgin language and still have time to plan how to cut it.



Rest in peace on the glacier, sucker. It'll probably outrun your friends anyway.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2008, 02:38:23 pm by Vaftrudner »
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KaelGotDwarves

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2008, 01:38:20 pm »

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL :D
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Vaftrudner

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2008, 04:27:37 pm »

I'm updating this at breakneck speed, just because I'm enjoying myself. Magma engineering is the main ingredient of happiness, after all. Not much exciting has happened though, so I'll bring you straight up to autumn.



End of spring and summer by Mafol Cattenetost, Metalsmith

1st Limestone




I've spent this entire summer crawling around on the ice floor, but finally my hands are beginning to get used to it. The skin is getting so thick that if I'm not careful when I scratch myself, I'm likely to hit bone. They tell me that the big magma project is almost finished though, so I'm just praying that the caravan will bring an anvil. As soon as I've got my magma forge, I'm not setting one foot up here again.





We were all worried when Lolor came back to tell us that we've got imps in the pipe. Zombie imps. Thankfully, Cog, in a rare moment of sanity, brought some nickel silver bars. We had problems getting them from her tough, she went on and on about how she was going to use them for barbecueing, but finally let go when we told her that without them, there would be no magma. The look in her eyes... It'll be enough to scare the zombie imps off if they manage to break the bars. Lolor also made a plan for a magma room that should make it possible to get a farm running.





Kogan's been keeping busy this summer. She got a bit cocky after decapitating the two zombie goats, going on and on about syrup for some reason, but it seems she's got reason to be proud. A kobold and a zombie troll that got too close are now getting their final sleep in our new garbage room. I'm a bit worried about her though, it seems that every time she gets to chop a limb off, she lights up a bit more. I haven't forgotten that she was brought to us by guards..



The miners haven't really made any progress since finding the magma. All we've got so far is some galena, which is terribly effective if you're making weapons to kill fluffy wamblers or some such horror.




The workshops have been moved down below the storage room, and we've set up a small area for future farming. Below, the magma room is waiting to be filled so we can get some water out of this frozen hell. I asked Cog how we're supposed to find iron for a magma pump though, but she told me that she'd already given orders for a wooden pipe section and giant corkscrew to be built. I had to let this sink in for a few seconds before I could find the energy to answer her.

"So.. You're going to pump MAGMA. With a WOODEN PUMP."
"Yes?"
"You.. See no problem with this?"
"It's cool, I'm down with the magma. We're like this!" she told me and put her hands together.

Fine. As long as I'm not expected to go anywhere near that fucking pump, I guess we're just lucky if she gets close enough to actually hug her beloved magma.

« Last Edit: September 23, 2008, 07:29:58 pm by Vaftrudner »
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mainiac

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2008, 09:46:23 pm »

Bare hands ftw!
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Every winter my Uncle Bilbert used to go out and buy clothes for his entire hobbit family.  I remember the first year I came along with him shopping.  His tongue was swollen up so he was unable to speak but my uncle Bilbert was not concerned.  He simply took me and my cousins to town and proudly presented his young relatives to the shopkeeper.  The wise old clothesmaker just smiled and started taking measurements.  After so many years of business he didn't hesitate to in fur my uncle's hobbits.

Zako

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2008, 10:09:01 pm »

Hehehe, I just love the pictures.

Zombie goats...

hehehehe
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Tibbles

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2008, 10:43:47 pm »

>Zombie Goats
>Zombie Goasts
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GODAMMIT KOBOLDS

inaluct

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Re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll
« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2008, 11:22:45 pm »

This is awesome.
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WHEN THE RAPTURE COMES YOU WILL ALL BE SITTING ON THE TOILET
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